Double-Edged Sword

Did you hear it?
Could you hear my heart as it fell on the floor
and shattered into countless tiny shards of pain...
despair...
longing...
Love has fled;
Left me standing here worse than alone
as you lie beside me each night.
I pull back from your touch,
I cringe at the sound of your voice,
I deny to everyone that I feel abused...
but they see through my act...
and so do I.

Did you hear it?
Could you hear my heart as it fell on the floor
and shattered into countless tiny shards of pain...
despair...
longing...
Emptiness was easier;
Feeling nothing for any man
was less painful than knowing you don't see me.
I laugh with you,
I feel free with you,
I cannot get you out of my mind...
and I cannot say that I want to...
because when lonliness sets in all I want is you.

This double-edged sword
pierces my heart.
One man I love out of a sense of duty.
One man I hold at arm's length,
unknowing.
The first will not admit to abusing me.
The second forces me to see.
One rolls away from me at night.
The other has never even held me tight.
Yet if one came home,
I would rush into his arms.
While the second would have me
wondering about future harm.

So this double-edged sword
will just stay,
and twist,
and maybe someday
sunllight will break through the mist...

Feb. 14, 2002