page7Shainasfuneral

On January 6, 1999 at 2:00 p.m; we had a graveside funeral service at the breathtaking Gilliland Cemetery. It was an average Oregon winter day; cold and cloudy. The only thing missing was the rain, which held out just long enough for the conclusion of the service. There were enough chairs for the immediate family members, while everyone else stood behind. I never once turned around to look at who was there, but most of the guests signed our remembrance book, though. At the end of the service, a lot of people made a line and walked by us, as we sat there, to give us hugs and tell us they were thinking of us. That made me feel very much loved, with so many of our friends and family there to say their "Hello and Goodbyes".A t least 36 people joined us, not counting the pastor and any others who weren't in the guest book. I had other people tell me that they would've loved to of been there, if only they had known about it. A person that I thought was one of my closest friends, and named one of Shaina's middle names after, wasn't there. She never called. When I finally got a hold of her, she said that the reason she didn't come to the funeral was because her mom wouldn't let her (she was 15). I haven't talked to her more than a dozen times since. Now she has her own daughter, who is now almost 3 years old. Her not being there for me really hurt me and I will never completely forgive her.
   During the serive, Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" played (which now has special meaning to me), along with the lullabye "Hush Little Baby", which I sang to Shaina everyday of my pregnancy. The pastor read our letter to Shaina and also the poem. He choked up a few times while reading them. I could hear a lot of people sobbing as he read the letter. I heard people asking others for tissues.
   Some brought flowers, others had them sent from the floral shop. One person brought a little stuffed kitty and placed it by Shaina's casket. The kitty was kind-of a coincidence, because we had brought a little stuffed dog and placed it by her casket, also. The kitty and the dog could've been twins; they were the same brand and everything. That was pretty special.
   We put one of Shaina's ultrasound pictures, that I framed, in front of her casket, along with her tiny hand and foot prints. I wanted to make sure that everyone got to see that Shaina really existed, if they had any doubts, since they'd never seen her or gotten to know her, as I had.
   The flower arrangements were so beautiful. Most were tiny, pink roses...everytime I see a pink rose now, it reminds me of Shaina. Her casket matched the roses, also being light pink, tiny and delicate. I couldn't have asked for a more special day to say goodbye to Shaina.
   Shaina was buried wrapped in a pink, blue and white blanket that we had previously gotten for her. She was buried with a little teddy bear wearing a white baby cap and an angel necklace, a lock of my hair and also a lock of Matt's hair, a letter I wrote to Shaina (similar to the one read at her funeral), a picture of Matt and I; when I was almost 3 months pregnant with her, and 2 pink long-stemmed roses.
   Towards the end of January, I purchased 2 books from a Christian book store and donated them to our local library, in Shaina's memory. The books are: "A Mother's Heartsong" by Carolyn Larson (the first page of the book reads 'I held you in my heart before my hands could touch you.' It also has a quote at the bottom of that page that reads 'God alone created my inner being. God knitted me together inside my mother.' Psalm 139:13), and "Heaven Sent...The Wonder and Blessing of Every Child" (I'm not sure who the author is). What amazing books! I just had to get them. Of course, before I donated them, I wrote inside of them some info. about Shaina.
   Matt and I attended a support group for people who've experienced the loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbith ,neonatal death and SIDS. We went just twice, although the second time doesn't count, because it was snowing and the facilitator didn't show up; so there was no meeting that night. The support group was at a hospital (not the one Shaina was born at, I wouldn't have went at all if it were!) and facilitated by a labor and delivery nurse. I think it would've been a whole lot more helpful, except for the fact that I couldn't bear to see pregnant women and babies. I didn't want to hear about anyone being pregnant or having a baby. The problem was that most of the women at the support group were experiencing subsequent pregnancies (after their loss) and it made me feel very awkward being around them. They needed to be in a seperate support group for only people with who were pregnant after the loss of a baby. I just wasn't at that point, yet. They had completely different issues as I did at that time. I guess going back to that support group 7 months after Shaina died, might've helped, because I was having a subsequent pregnancy (with my son Koby, who is now 3), and would've had more in common with most of the women.
   I started finding books to order about dealing with the loss of a baby. Those books helped me a great deal. I also felt compelled to write to a family who I'd seen in the newspaper. There was an obituary for their baby girl who had died at the end of January, just a few weeks after Shaina. After a month or so, the mother of the little baby girl, called me and soon came over and brought her baby's scrapbook and momentos to share with me. We definitly could relate to each other. That's exactly what I needed; someone I could call or get together with that was in a similar situation. We have since become good friends. The woman now has been blessed with a little girl, who is almost 2 and has another older daughter who was born before she lost her baby girl.
   The autopsy report arrived sometime in January. I think I was even more frustrated by the findings (or lack of). The 3 page report went through the list of body parts and organs. The word 'normal' was typed next to every part, every organ. The diagnosis reads "Anatomically intact, stillborn infant." The pathological summery reads "This 25 week gestation baby died suddenly during an uneventful pregnancy. Autopsy reveals an anatomically normal female. The cause of stillbirth is not apparent." One thing that bothers me a bit, is in the clinical summery, which reads "The placenta and cord looked normal according to the delivery nurse." For one thing, most of the placenta didn't come out the day of delivery, so the delivery nurse didn't see it at all, so how could she come to that conclusion? Another thing, shouldn't a doctor have examined the placenta? They did when I had my 2 sons...I remember them doing it...and even showing it to us! In the autopsy findings under 'placenta', it reads "Not available for examination" Because they knew they screwed up. I bet the placenta that came out in the shower went straight into the nearest trash. Weren't they supposed to save it for the autopsy? Obviously someone wasn't being thourough or maybe wasn't thinking at all. It might not have made any difference, but on the other hand...we'll never know.
   To keep Shaina's memory alive, I do many things. Some of the things are mentioned throughout her story. I have put poems and ads for Shaina in the newspaper, like for Memorial Day. I bought and donated a beautiful framed rose picture called "The Promise Rose" to the Lebanon Pregnancy Alternastives Center, along with a financial gift. On the back of the picture, I wrote about Shaina. They have it hung in the new part of their building. I love seeing it there.
    I donate money sometimes for Shaina's birthday or just because to the Salem, Oregon chapter of the Compassionate Friends. They call it a 'love gift' and I can have a message to Shaina in the newsletter for only $10.00. I've had a poem published in their newsletter, also; that I wrote for Shaina.
   We have been donating money to our local hospice every Christmas in memory of Shaina. They always have a reading of names ceramony, but I hate to admit it, but I keep missing them. I'd love to hear her name read out loud, and I truly hope I can go to it this winter.
   Just recently, I found out about a special program where I can pay $12.00 a month for 12 months and have a message put on a brick for Shaina at the Doernbecker Children's Hospital in Portland. They said after I make my last payment, they'll send us a note, telling us where our brick is located. I'll have to go up there and take pictures and put one on Shaina's website, for everyone to see.

Click on 'next' to view Shaina's scrapbook