page24Nathansstory2

A Mother's Love

I didn't have to look into your eyes
to fall in love with you.
I didn't have to hear you cry
to know you loved me too.
I didn't need to hold your hand
to cherish you for always.
Within my womb, we shared our hearts.
You touched my soul.
You sweetened my spirit.
You gave me memories I'll always hold dear.
Yes, my heart aches since you departed too soon.
But a mother's love does not end with death.
For you are my child.
Forever my love is yours.

Wrote by: Kathy Schmucker...Louisville, Ohio
in memory of Jason, Christopher & Ryan

This is copied from my "pregnancy journal"

The day we found out the news: April 25, 1999 (2 days after Matt's 25th B-day & 4 months after Shaina died). I knew that I was probably pregnant & wanted to be. It wasn't a huge shock to me.
Our reactions: I was very happy (& of course more than a little worried). Matt was shocked- he didn't think he was ready to go through another pregnancy so soon.
The first people I told the news to & their reactions: My mom, my step-neice Christy, my brother Cory, the lady that I met at the support group. Everyone that I told was really happy for me.
We didn't tell a lot of people, I guess I wanted to wait at least a few weeks. Maybe I was a bit afraid to tell some people, because of how they reacted when we announced Shaina's pregnancy.
What I was feeling: Physically- no morning sickness at all. Some might say that wasn't a good sign, but to me; I thought it was good, since I was so sick when I was pregnant with Shaina. I thought "Hey, every pregnancy is different, maybe this time I won't be sick." I didn't know that the hormones that are needed to support a normal pregnancy might be the cause of morning sickness and if I wasn't sick, that might mean I didn't have enough of those hormones; meaning something might not be right.
Emotionally- I was extremely happy, but really scared at the same time. I'm so worried that I will lose this baby. I have a lot of mixed feelings, but I'm trying my best to eat good and stay positive. I just wish Matt was more happy about me being pregnant again.
The best part of knowing I was pregnant with my baby was: That hopefully I'll be able to experience a pleasant pregnancy, feel this baby kick and give birth to a healthy baby.
Doctor's visits: May 14- ultrasound (because I started bleeding). I had a transvaginal ultrasound, which makes it easier to see the baby when it's so tiny. They drew blood. They told me that everything looked normal, but they couldn't tell much from the ultrasound, since the baby was just too small. They couldn't do much for me, if I was going to miscarry- they had no way of stopping it. I had changed doctors right after Shaina died, otherwise it might've been worse (if that's possible).
*One thing I remember about that day was, we didn't tell hardly anyone that I was bleeding (most people, including Matt's family & most of my family didn't even know I was pregnant). I really went through it totally alone. Another thing is; when we had the blood tests done at the hospital...after I was done...Matt's truck wouldn't start! We had to call a taxi. There I was; standing in front of the hospital, bleeding (knowing for sure I'd miscarry at any moment), while Matt ran laps around the hospital trying to flag a taxi down. Finally, a taxi pulled up and he took us home (approx. 15 miles!) The taxi cab driver told jokes and tried to be funny the entire ride. I wanted to open my door and jump out, literally. Matt kind-of acted like nothing terrible was even happening to me. I think he wanted me to go back to Albany with him in the car, so he could pick up his truck and I could drive the car home!
May 16- I had to go back to Albany for blood tests to test my HCG hormone levels. My HCG levels were down, so they knew something was going wrong. That same evening, I had a miscarriage at about 8:00 p.m. at home. I was told to save everything from the miscarriage, because they wanted to examine it. They said to put it in a tupperware container and put it in the refridgerator, until I could come in the next day. I couldn't believe that they'd want me to do something like that! It was horrible.
May 17- I had to go in to my Dr's office to bring them the miscarried baby. There I sat, in the waiting room for well over 20 minutes, surrounded by pregnant women, their husbands and children; with a small paper bag on my lap. I was just waiting for someone to ask how far along I was or what was in the bag. I knew I would run out of there in tears if even one person looked at me strange. I kept my head down, until my name was called. They sent the baby to pathology. The report says the description of the 'specimen' (MY BABY) is 6x3x1 cm. That includes the sac and all. What a tiny, tiny baby.
Well, now it was true...I lost 2 babies. I seriously wondered what was wrong with me and if I could ever have children.