Gao Huan

I am not a writer. But I don��t have to be a writer to write Why I Write.

I write just because I want to. As for the stuff required by the courses I take, I try my best to make it into something that I will be interested in writing about.

I write because I want to express my true self and release my feelings. One cannot always keep everything to oneself, or he will be driven nuts under the psychological oppression. We are human beings, who are in need of communication. But sometimes we simply can��t find the right person to confide to, or the right person doesn��t have the time to listen to what we are going to say, or we just don��t feel all right to speak our mind out to anyone. However, we still desperately long to be understood. Here, writing provides a good means.

Sometimes I find life so unbelievably beautiful that I would love to savor the lovable scenes and incidents again and again. I put the beautiful moments down to paper and keep them fresh in my memory.

Sometimes life is ghastly ridiculous and deplorable and I get confused and frustrated. While I write it down, I try to interpret the whole thing for myself so that life will appear less unbearable to me. I tell myself, ��c��est la vie.�� (That is life) But the absurdity and ugliness of life can��t be whitewashed. Truth is something that can��t be covered. Everyone should open their eyes wide to it. Truth is what I am after and I never lie ill-intentionally. I admire Ba Jin and George Orwell because they stick to what they think is right and true. They don��t cheat themselves in writing, which resembles diary to some extent. If one even tells lies in this sort of private confession or calling from the heart, he gets too hopeless.

Sometimes I find myself naive and silly. I regret but obviously I can��t undo what I have done. Sometimes I don��t understand myself why I have done certain things. I am fond of psychology and enjoy studying it a little bit. So I write to analyze my ultimate motives (can be conscious and unconscious ones) and the outside influencing factors. This requires hard thinking, reasoning and courage, too. No easy job. But I feel compelled to do so because I need to explore into my inner self to understand myself as an individual, as a start to understand the outside world. Only through this rational process of thinking and writing can I learn from my experiences. When I have managed to know myself better, I become more sensible and see things in a more objective light.

There are times when I am caught in bad luck. Unpleasant things I want to forget. So after writing I get done with them: I either crumple up my writing and throw away the unhappiness together with the paper ball, or put the writing aside and when I have got over with it I reread it, with a sense of pride in my endurance and perseverance. Either way I am relieved.

It seems I write largely for myself. I wonder whether or not I want others to read my writings and thus get to know me and know the truth. Maybe I do, especially in the case of essays that I am complacent with. But there is always something that though you want so much to tell someone, you are also clearly aware that this someone simply doesn��t exist in your life. This is indeed a dilemma. But perhaps dilemma has long been a characteristic of human life, from which Hamlet suffers a lot.

Why do I write this essay of Why I Write? It is a said-to-be optional assignment and I choose to do it. Why? I analyze my motives��I really do have something to tell. And now I really have got to understand myself better. I know why I write.