Holtz

Lou Holtz was injured by a moving vehicle late last week. The occurrence wouldn�t have deserved any more attention than is normally necessary when a public figure is injured if the driver of the vehicle hadn�t been Holtz himself.
Apparently, Holtz was out being old somewhere when he was struck by the notion to return home and check his mailbox. So excited by the prospect of finding this month�s issue of Swank awaiting him, coach Lou leaped from his vehicle without making the shift to park.
As the car rolled backwards the overly excited Holtz was trapped between the door and body of the vehicle. His cry for help was answered by a teen who heroically jumped into the car and stepped on the gas.
After realizing that the car was in reverse and he had almost killed Lou Holtz, the teen fled to his friends house where he repeated the story and laughed until he vomited.
Holtz, at 64 years of age, is the oldest looking coach in recent NCAA memory and his mental faculties have apparently been lost somewhere in his flappy neck skin.
As any Jets fan will attest, Holtz has suffered periodic lapses of reason and judgement for most of his professional coaching career. Fans have been unwittingly exposed to Holtz� attacks for decades. Countless times has the veteran coach been caught on camera kneeling at the edge of the

Notre Dame or Game Cock sideline carefully examining individual blades of grass. The press has perpetuated the myth that this idiosyncratic ritual was a tool Holtz used to focus on the game and the situation at hand.
This most recent incident leaves no doubt that the time for endearing stories and false descriptions of the reasons for and outcomes of his behavior is at an end.
The sad truth is that Holtz has been fighting against premature senility, bordering on Alzheimer�s, since the age of twelve.
Holtz� severely aged countenance has been the training ground for plastic surgeons for the better part of six decades, as the condition of his mind and body have pretty well mirrored each other.
At age thirteen Holtz showed the same signs of aging normally associated with geriatric patients. When asked to describe coach Lou at that tender age a boyhood friend replied, �He looked exactly like Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School. Most kids wouldn�t hang out with Lou because we were afraid of catching old.�
Even with the extensive aesthetic work that has been performed on Holtz� face, Father Time has continued to mock the coaching legend.
Rick Mirer, former Notre Dame quarterback under Holtz, was asked about the coach�s uncanny ability to coach football even while suffering from the advanced age disorder, �I think a lot of good NCAA coaches are borderline retarded. Do you really think Bobby Bowden�s all there? I mean come on.�
Holtz will go on coaching his South Carolina Gamecocks, and he�ll probably have another great year. Just don�t be surprised when you see the legendary leader kneeling on the sidelines, drooling his lunch of strained peas, and talking to the grass.