JOKES
iT IS ALWAYS US GUYS WHO ARE ROMANTIC! AND GIRLS ALWAYS PUT US DOWN!!!
>
>HE:I'm a photographer.i've been looking for a face like yours!
>SHE:I'm a plastic surgeon.i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
>
>HE:Hi!didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
>SHE:Must've been once.i never make the same mistake twice!!!
>
>HE:May i have the pleasure of this dance?
>SHE:No,i'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
>
>HE:How did you get to be so beautiful?
>SHE:I must've been given your share!!!
>
>HE:Is it hot in here or is it just you?
>SHE:It's hot!!!
>
>HE:I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
>SHE:Okay,but would you stay there?
>
>HE:Will you come out with me this Saturday?
>SHE:Sorry! i'm having a headache this weekend!!!
>
>HE:Your face must turn a few heads!
>SHE:And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
>
>HE:Go on ,don't be shy.Ask me out!
>SHE:Okay,get out!!!
>
>HE:I think i could make you very happy
>SHE:Why,are you leaving?
>
>HE:What would you say if i asked u to marry me?
>SHE:Nothing. i can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
>
>HE:Can i have your name?
>SHE:why,don't you already have one?
>
>HE:Shall we go and see a film?
>SHE:I've already seen it!!!
>
>HE:Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
>SHE:Nah,it was plain bad luck!!!
> A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it.
> A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want
> because it's on sale.
>
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
> can spend.
> A successful woman is one who can find that man.
>
> To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot
> and love him a little.
> To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and
> don't expect to understand her at all.
>
> Married men live longer than single men,
> but married men are a lot more willing to die.
>
> Any married man can forget his past mistakes,
> there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
>
> A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
>
> A woman has the last word in any argument.
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket
> >> >and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
> >> >Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
> >> >
> >> >"Why?" she asks.
> >> >
> >> > "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out
> >> >of nowhere."
> >> >
> Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore are in an airplane flying
> >> >across the country.
> >> >Suddenly Bill Clinton says, "Hey, let's throw a $100 bill out
> >> >the window and make someone happy."
> >> >
> >> >Then Hillary Clinton says, "No, let's throw two $50 bills out the
> >> >window and make 2 people happy."
> >> >
> >> > Then Al Gore says, "No, let's throw a hundred $1 bills out the
> >> >window and make 100 people happy."
> >> >
> >> >Then from the front of the plane the pilot yells,
> >> >"Why don't you throw yourselves out the window and
> >> >make 200 million people happy?!"
> >> >
> >> >
> >>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>-
> >> >
> >> > Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
> >> >He has two large bags over his shoulders.
> >> >The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
> >> >
> >> >"Sand," answered Juan.
> >> >
> >> >The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
> >> >The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
> >> finds
> >> >nothing in them but sand.
> >> >He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
> >> >only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags
> >> >
> >> >The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, he lifts them
>onto
> >> >the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
> >> >
> >> >A week later, the same thing happens.
> >> >The guard asks, "What have you got?"
> >> >
> >> > "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and
> >> >discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
> >> >He gives the sand back to Juan,and Juan crosses the border on his
> >> bicycle.
> >> >
> >> >This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
> >> >Finally,Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
> >> >Cantina in Mexico.
> >> >"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
> >> >It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep.
> >> >Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
> >> >
> >> > Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
>bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says
>quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
>
>There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are
>NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the
>chief standing in front of you."
>
>So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck
>out of the chief.
>
>As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by
>100 natives with a look of shock on their faces,
>
>Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
>
Money is not everything.
> >> >There's Mastercard & Visa.
> >> >
> >> >One should love animals.
> >> >They are so tasty.
> >> >
> >> >Save water.
> >> >Shower with your friend.
> >> >
> >> >Love thy neighbor.
> >> >But don't get caught.
> >> >
> >> >Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
> >> >And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
> >> >
> >> >Every man should marry.
> >> >After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
> >> >
> >> >A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife can
> >> >spend.
> >> >A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >> >
> >> >Wise never marry.
> >> >and when they marry they become otherwise.
> >> >
> >> >Success is a relative term.
> >> >It brings so many relatives.
> >> >
> >> >Never put off the work till tomorrow >
> >> >what you can put off today.
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >-
Laloo Special
Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: " God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton."
God replies: " Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away. Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: " God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan." God replies: " Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away. Laaloo Yadav visits God and asks him: " God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state." Hearing this, God starts crying. Laaloo is astounded and asks: " God, why are you crying ? " God replies: " Son, I will not see it in my lifetime "
-=-=-=-=-=-
Lalooji at family planning Conference. "Have two children only to save the country.
One reporter says,"But sir you are not following what you are saying."
Lalooji but "Hum Desh Ke Hit main hi planning nahi Kar rahe he. Agar hum planning Karenga to Humara Desh Hamara Bachha to hi Chalayanga na.
-=-=-=-=-=-
What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo
-=-=-=-=-=-
Laloo is convicted in the fodder case and the courts decide that all his property belongs to the state. He is left with nothing and is going around looking for a job. Eureka Forbes (the vacuum cleaner company) gives him a job as a vacuum cleaner saleman. Laloo decides to do well on his first day itself. He goes to the first house in his territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, Laloo runs inside and dumps gobar (cow dung) all over the floor and the sofa. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that gobar right now, I'll eat every chunk of it." She replies, "You want salt and pepper on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
-=-=-=-=-=-
Laloo becomes PM (if you haven't cut your throat yet, read on) and goes to Pakistan for a one-on-one with Nawaz Sharif. They decide to meet without aides and are closeted for about 5 minutes. Laloo then emerges from the room. Reporters clamor for a statement. "Nawazbhai will make the announcement." is all Laloo will say. Nawaz Sharif comes out and drops a bombshell - Pakistan has decided to give up all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached. The world is stunned. Laloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years! How did you do it, what did you promise, the press clamours. "Sab AKAI - waalon ka kamaal hai," says Laloo. "Who kehte hain na, TV loge to fridge doonga, video khareedein to cellphone free... to hum bhi Nawazbhai se kehe diye: "Aapko Kashmir chaahiye na? Le jaayie. Magar saath mein Bihar free milega, bas!"
-=-=-=-=-=-
Extract of laloo prasads thank u speech in english to all his guests at the conclusion of his daughters wedding festivites: "I THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING FROM BOTTOM OF MY HEART AND ALSO FROM MY WIFE'S BOTTOM".
-=-=-=-=-=-
Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...
-=-=-=-=-=-
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji.Could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas..."The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Laloos family planning policy."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR"
-=-=-=-=-=-
At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
-=-=-=-=-=-
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling. Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. Guess the caption!! 'Laloo, third from left!'
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Copyright © 2001 GANESH.