An update

After nine years the relapse came. Ten days (and nights) of heavy drinking. Tried to count the empty bottles afterwards. Think I had at least ten bottles, maybe twelve, of Paddy's whiskey. Six liters of red wine! I don't even like red wine. The beer cans were uncountable. I never do anything half-heartedly...I'm just such an over-achiever.

It was July 27, 2002. Payday. Boiling hot summer's afternoon -- a Friday. Went downtown to do the usual shopping after work. Bought smokes in the tobacco store right opposite our liquor store. Out of the blue came the idea that I should go in there and buy six bottles of beer. I knew exactly which brand I wanted and how many!

I went in there and after some searching (had not been in there in nine years), I found them and paid for them. Then something weird happened. It's like I lost my memory that moment -- like some kind of amnesia. Apparently I must have gone to the other side of the store and ordered two bottles of Paddy's. All other memories of that day are very vivid, but it is like after I'd paid for those beers, the recording stopped.

Well, the rest of this is very fragmentary. I have a close, online friend who sort of kept me alive, even though I don't think he realizes this. The only thing I did during those days apart from drinking, was checking the computer. That, at least made me get out of bed and we also talked on the phone because finally I wasn't able to use the computer. Couldn't type. Anyways, this contact meant a lot to me, as he was always there for me... a warm voice on the phone, even though it was from the other side of the world.

Now, this disease of mine was revealed at work. Noone knew about this except two work mates. There was a terrible fuss about this. They sent social workers to my home, threatened me that I would lose my job (a thing that would never happen in this country!, but that I didn't know then. They kept calling from work...I was lying in my bed, dead drunk, I hardly understood what they said. All this drinking cost me a fortune and I hadn't paid the rent of my apartment. So...I was going to lose that too.

On day 9 I came to some kind of consciousness and decided I wasn't going to make it on my own. Called one of the doctors at work, and she suggested I'd go by ambulance to a so called de-tox clinic in the next town. I thought the place would be something similar to the one I've mentioned on one of the previous pages here, so I went. Not by ambulance though. I had someone to drive me there. This person left me there and went back to home. When I got in there and talked to the people, I realized it would have been the same thing if I'd gotten out on the town and let the police put me in a drunk tank. That was the worst place I'd ever seen. No meds or treatment, only surveillance. I went half hysterical and took a taxi back home. That taxi also contributed to the ruin of my finances.

At home there was some booze left, at least enough to make me sleep that night. The next/last day there were only a couple of beer left, and I slowed down with them. Then I had to deal with the consequences. Both the financial and work related, but worst of all; the emotional. I tried to focus on the fact that this was a replapse, and I had to forgive myself for what I'd done. That most things were still the same; I could go on just like before, just more aware of the dangers. I still had my job, my apartment and, best of all, my friend/Love, that I mentioned earlier.

Got a little help with medication, from a wonderful doctor at work, so I could get some sleep the first and worst nights. The pills also took away the worst anxiety, so that was in fact the most rapid revocery I've ever experienced. I was back at work after a week, and the people there were good as gold to me (except some minor trouble, but I won't go into that now). A year has almost passed since this happened. I don't know why it happened. Have tried to analyze the time before but I still haven't come to any conclusion. I would like to find out in order to have something to be aware of, but there was nothing. It all happened very fast -- the idea came out of the blue, like a struck of lightning.

Just hoping now that I've learnt something from this..that I'll stop and think if it happens again. Like a reality check. That's all I can think of right now...

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