It was a sunny morning on August 8, 1993. The guy I lived with had gone away to some temporary work he had. I was sick - hungover. That was almost a constant condition. It wasn't the worst time, but it was bad enough, though. It was always worst when I was home alone, because I was afraid I would die. Took some tranquilizer I had and a beer, but that didn't help. Couldn't drink water, it came up immediately. I knew it was important to drink water as you get dehydrated while you drink (!), oddly enough.
Went to bed, tried to calm down, started to think of my situation. Lying in bed 10 A.M. on a sunny day, no job, noone would respect me - I was just another alcoholic. I realized it wasn't the worst time, and that I probably wouldn't pass away this day. At least not due to the abstinence. But next time...couldn't tell anything about that. Started to think of my hometown, and what people would say there when they learned I'd passed away. They wouldn't be much surprised - I could almost hear their comments. "Oh well...she finally drank herself to death..."
Then something happend. It was as if I got mad...furious - as if I could see myself from outside, lying there in disgrace, thinking of the comments in my hometown. I jumped out of bed, thinking; "no, never!!! I'm not going do die from drinking - they'll never get the chance to say that about me!!! I want my social life back, I want to be respected for what I am and what I think. Not just be considered another alcoholic.
I felt something had to be done immediately so I called the wonderful people at that clinic I mentioned earlier. Half an hour later I was there, and I haven't had a drink since.
Unfortunately I can't explain what happend that day - otherwise I could have been of great help to many others in the same condition. I'm not bitter that I sort of "lost" all those years, I've learnt so much from it, and met so many people I would never have met otherwise.
I'm much more grateful for the small things in life, that people in general never pay attention to. Going to the shopping center, taking a bus-trip, go to the movies - no problem. For many years I could hardly do any of those things. The really bad days, I couldn't go out at all. I couldn't watch a video or read a book due to lack of concentration. The panic anxiety was the worst though, and I indeed feel sorry for all those people who suffer from that without knowing the reason. I, at least, knew that if I stayed sober for two or three weeks, it disappeared. I can still recall the feeling, and I hope I'll always be able to do that so I won't forget. If you've never felt it, you can't imagine...
This webpage is just my story. It's not an explanation or a solution of anything. I don't think there are any solutions. It doesn't matter how many explanations or conclusions the scientists come to - it is just the way it is. If somebody would have presented me with a reason for my drinking; "It's because of this and this, you're drinking this much", it would probably have gotten even worse. Then I'd had a good reason and could have relaxed and really drunken myself to death. I think we have to stop asking "why", and instead ask "how" (...can I quit).
When I look back now, almost seven years later, at those years, it's with disbelief. Was it really I who did all those things?! The life I lead now of course has its ups and downs, but that's like it should be. I'm alive, for some reason, and able to enjoy the wonders of nature! ...and able to use the computer!!!
I could spice this up with lots of horror stories from my drinking period, but I won't do that. There's enough of that already. I just think there's a way for anyone who wants to quit, and this was my way. L'Chaim!
Here's an update from July 2002, written July 1, 2003
