Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.

Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!

I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.

Don't follow my instructions.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.

Death is life's way of telling you - you're fired.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there.

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

Is it possible to be a closet claustrophobic?

Don't take life so seriously... It's not permanent!

Not all men are fools...some are bachelors!

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back!

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap.

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
--Seinfeld.

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.".

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Don't let your mind wander, it might not come back.

FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Definition of gun control: use both hands.

I am not weird, it's just that everyone else is.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

Indifference is the only sure defense.

Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

"If the first grape you eat is bitter then you will not bother eating grapes again. If the first grape you eat is a sweet one then you will be willing to eat a lot of bitter grapes in search of another sweet one"

Never eat more than you can lift." � Miss Piggy.

For what profit is it to man if he gains the world and loses his soul
Matthew 16:26

parents: a peculiar group who first try to get their children to walk and talk, and then try to get them to sit down and shut up. -(i forgot who/where)

"If you want to be happy, be thoughtfoolish and stupid"
-Epicetus

"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."
-Walter Lippman

"Emotion is illogical, Captain." - Spock

Windows 95: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?

When looking for faults use a mirror, not a telescope.
Think like a man of action, but act like a man of thought.

There are only two ways to be contented: one is liking what you do, and the other is doing what you like.

The World: A comedy for thinkers; a tragedy for feelers.

The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock in the morning, is not hearing it.

The best prophet of the future is the past.
Sympathy sees and says, "I'm sorry." Compassion sees and says, "I'll help."

Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

Reduce Carbon Dioxide emmissions - STOP Breathing.

Never act out of fear, and never let fear stop you from acting.

Love others like you love yourself, except when you're suicidal.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.

If it feels good, don't do it.

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.

I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

History repeats itself because nobody listens.

Funny, only sensible people agree with me.

Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high...

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the priviledge.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom...

Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!

Don't let school interfere with your education.

Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry.

Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beat me with the truth, don't torture me with lies.

Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.

Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for he shall not be dissapointed.

Cheer up. The first hundred years are the hardest!

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

"The most wasted day of all is that during which we have not laughed."
-Sebastian R. N. Chamfort

"Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."
-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education."
-Bertrand Russell

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
-Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live."
-Margaret Fuller

"The Devil finds work for idle hands."
-First Appeared in 1721

Familiarity, the first myth of reality: What you know the best, you observe the least.
Devotion, the second myth of reality: The faithful are most hurt by the objects of their faith.
Conviction, the third myth of reality: Only those who seek the truth can be deceived.
Fellowship, the fourth myth of reality: As the tides of war shift, so do loyalties.
Trust, the fifth myth of reality: Every truth holds the seed of betrayal.
Some things are better left unknown.
Show weakness to hide your strength.
"My past holds only pain and loss. I will conquer it by creating the perfect future." -Ixidor, reality sculptor
"The world is a puzzle, and the mind is its key."
"Be logical in all things. Do not allow instinct or passion to cloud your mind." Volume II, The Book of Insight
The only prince inside this frog is the one it ate.
"Passions can't be shackled by laws or mastered with logic. The choice is freedom or death." -Volume IV, The Book of Fire

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."
-Confucius

"Telling us to obey instinct is like telling us to obey 'people.' People say different things: so do instincts. Our instincts are at war.... Each instinct, if you listen to it, will claim to be gratified at the expense of the rest...."
-C. S. Lewis

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."
-David Borenstein, January 28, 2000

"And it will fall out as in a complication of diseases, that by applying a remedy to one sore, you will provoke another; and that which removes the one ill symptom produces others"
-Sir Thomas More

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad."
-Aldous Huxley

"The glory that goes with wealth is fleeting and fragile; virtue is a possession glorious and eternal."
-Sallust

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
-Bertrand Russell