My best friend and her boyfriend have been doing some things that my sunday school teacher would be shocked about! They have been engaging in explicit sexual activity. She keeps telling me about her "latest conquest" over her boyfriend, but I don't want to tell her that she is a heathen sinner. How can I make her see the err of her ways? As a devout member of my church, I myself have never even considered doing the things I hear from her. Don't they need to understand that sex is WRONG? Please help me out, because I fear my friend is straight on the path to hellfire.
Signed,
Concerned Friend
Wow, this is quite a dilema. First of all, I would like to have the phone number of your easy friend, so that I may help her personally. If this information is unavailable to you it is imperitive that you commit everything I say to memory, and therefore let it replace anything else anybody ever told you. Now we all know that the bible expressly forbids happiness of any kind, and that by breaking this cardinal rule your friend is destined for an eternity of fiery torture.
I assume that rather than "err" you meant to say an actual word, error, maybe? If this is, in fact, what you meant to say then the answer to your question is simple. The only way to make someone see the error of their ways is forcing them to learn it the hard way. You will need to acquire some burglary equipment probably, for you are going to have a lot of work to do. First break into any local hospital and locate the room where they keep the frozen diseases, yes there are such places. Your target is any form of deadly STD. Of course, not every hospital carries something so dangerous and deadly as an STD, but fortunately, all jocks do. You should have no trouble obtaining a sperm sample from a jock, three minutes maximum. If you start having any second thoughts about anything you must do, just remember you are doing God's work.
Once you have acquired the desired disease, simply inject it into your friend's boyfriend's blood stream via the neck for best results. Next you must stealthily snatch any condoms that your friend and her lover may have and use a needle to poke a small hole or two through the very center. Eventually all this should result in both sinners being infected with a deadly disease. The birth of a child may be a side effect. Subtley try to get the point across to your friend that God is punishing her, and that she is a horrible person and deserves all the strife that she may encounter in the course of her life. She may not take to this well at first, so make sure you let her know that if she endures a long solitary life of misery and servitude, God will welcome her to the after life with a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. This will serve as her just compensation. If you have any trouble converting her to your exact beliefs however, there is nothing left to do but shoot her; There is no hope for the ignorant.
Your friend will thank you for the pious lesson in ethics. Trust me.
Your empathetic spiritual leader,
Scott