Hey. I have a problem, a big one. So, I figured, before I go out and get some intelligent advice, I might as well get your take on it. Here goes: I think my boyfriend of 5 months is cheating on me. His friends, his brother, and him all give different stories on where he goes on certain days. I've tried to confront him about it with subtlety but it didn't work, I think he was playing ignorant. I also happen to know that he has a history of lying. . .I have been the "other girl" before. . .What I find the strangest though is that I was waiting for him at his house one time, and when he came home, I felt like fooling around. . .but he said he wasn't IN THE MOOD! When are guys not in the mood?!?! Guys are in a permanent horny mood unless they just FINISHED SOMETHING! Help me if you can, oh brilliant one.
Yours Truly,
Anonamous Person
First of all, I don't like your attitude, but I'm willing to overlook it so that I can help you solve your troubling problem.
This is an age-old crisis, and the solution is almost as simple as the problem. You and your boyfriend merely have a communication problem. He's not telling you the truth, and you lack the courage to confront him. To solve your problem all you need to do is get him to tell you the truth. There are many ways to make people be honest, but among my favorites are hammers, knives, wrenches, and rope. You're probably too juevenile to figure out how to go about this properly so I'll walk you through it. First go find a sturdy metal wrench or pipe and use it on the back of his head to encourage him to take a nap. Next drag him to your home or an abandoned warehouse of some kind and tie him to a chair, make it snug and comfortable, there is no need to cause your lover unnecessary discomfort. Before he wakes up place knives somewhere in view to intimidate him somewhat. The rest is pretty self-explanitory, use the hammer to beat honesty into him.
Make it perfectly clear to him that all you want to hear from him is a confession and an apolagy. He'll probably confess eventually and all your problems will be solved, you'll be a happy couple once again and all you need to do is politely ask him to stop. However if he still hasn't confessed after 3-4 hours of loving interogation you might want to be a little more harsh. . .Remember if you love him as much as girls usually love their boyfriends you'll want to reduce him to an incompitent crying little girl. If after 8 hours he STILL hasn't confessed he probably was being honest from the beginning. If this is the case you can finally be at ease, because he never cheated on you in the first place. Don't worry, he'll understand why you had to be a little mean, if he doesn't, simply offer him sex, guys will do anything for sex.
One more thing, if your boyfriend happens to ask you why you interogated him in the above manner, or he asks you where you got the idea, don't mention my name. It'll be in YOUR best interest if he thinks you came up with a brilliant idea like that all by yourself.
I hope you and your boyfriend are as happy as I am.
The uncontested genius of all,
Scott