By Kristen Galiano
Pretzels attack me in my sleep. I swing my metal baseball bat at them, and hide inside my shower. There are ants in my toilet. I don�t like them. The clowns in my closet are afraid of the ants; they go to the bathroom in the closet. It�s smelly. They like to play with my dog. Mountains fly through my windows; they break into rubber tires and roll around my house. Cheese keeps flying in my ears and I can�t get it out. My monkey likes to jump on the curtains and pull them down. The mountains never hit him. The beanie babies are mean, and they like to kick me in the shins. The magic chairs run over my feet, and I fall down in pain. I have shiny blue turtles beneath my TV, they like to move a lot during my favorite shows and mess up the reception. I don�t like them. My TV is infested with people that have huge foreheads and tiny, little legs. I like to point and laugh at them. I can do that because they can�t hear me. There are gremlins in my refrigerator; they like to eat my peanut butter. There is a sandwich in my refrigerator as well; it told me I should drink more orange juice. My shoelaces turn my lamps on and off, and then they run away because my socks chase them. My shoes are filled with cheesy poofs. They tap dance up and down the hallway all day. I sleep on the ironing board because the maggots took over my bed. I don�t mind it though; the furry caterpillars make it all soft and cushy. The cat chases the rats around inside the dryer. I have a portal to Fragile Rock in my washing machine. I like to open the lid and listen to the music. When I turn on my stereo bats fly out. I want to move, but the dingos guard the door and they won�t let me out. I used to have a life. This one time I was on a boat, for a three-hour tour. The weather got really bad, and I wound up stranded. Stuck on an island with a geek, a fat guy, an actress, a smart guy, a virgin, and a rich couple who brought all of their clothes with them. They made a show about us, but I was cut out. They wanted it to star the geeky guy and he didn�t like me, so they decided I shouldn�t be in the show. Another time I delivered a baby in the back of a truck. That was interesting, kind of bloody, but interesting none the less. But that was all before the dingos came. Actually even after the dingos came I had something to do. I used to build monsters from dead body parts, but then the hamsters started breeding and they took over my lab. I tried to escape out the window once, but one of the mountains poked out my left eye. Murphy Brown lives on my couch. I can�t get her to leave. I think she�s afraid of the dingos. My attic is filled with mosquitoes. Sometimes they come down stairs and bite at the couch. I don�t think Murphy likes them. One time Doogie Howser came over to visit, the dingos ripped off his right arm, and removed his kneecaps. He said it was okay because he was a doctor and he could fix it. Then we had tea and cookies with Murphy. I think the dingos finished him off when he left because there was blood all over the windows. My friend Um lives in my dresser. He�s small and green and kind of funny looking, but he�s not a frog. He doesn�t like it when people think he is. Murphy doesn�t like him, maybe it�s because he used to live in the couch too, or it could be because the dingos like him. They think he�s cute and like to play with him. I think Um is very cool. He dances with wolves, just like Kevin Costner. Um and I dance most of the day. We�re both punks and we finger dance and do the swim and stupid stuff like that. The Taco Bell dog haunts me. He chases me around the house saying, �Yo quiero Taco Bell! Yo quiero Taco Bell!� I tried to tell him that I couldn�t leave the house to get him some, but he didn�t listen. Well, that is the house inside my head. I hope you weren�t too frightened. Maybe you could come and visit sometime. We don�t have very many guests. I�ve got to go now; it�s time for Um and I to watch Sit and Be Fit. Ciao.