„Mrs. Parkinson, you can stand up now. Do you know what the spell was you tried to use on three other students, a grown wizard and a teacher?“ Dumbledore had Pansy pinned with his gaze.

„Yes! I want them to die! And if the traitor and murder Black hadn’t jumped me I would have succeeded...“ she sneered.

„You stupid child you wanted to kill them because Draco didn’t want to marry you? Because Seamus didn’t want to fuck you?!“ Sirius was enraged. How could the stupid child want to kill someone and she didn’t even regret it! If they should turn their back on her she would try it again!

„You should be silent, Black! I knwo that you almost killed Professor Snape! I also know that it was because of your father...“ Remus spell hit her hard and knocked her out. Harry caught Sirius as he went down on his knees. He was so shocked. How could she have known that?

„Siri,...“ Remus knelt beside him.

„You know that Jamie rescued me, Remy. Didn’t you?“ as Remus nodded Sirius continued. „Did you know that he rescued me from hell? My father had beaten me as long as I remember. As I was nine he began...he began to touch me. My birthday present to my eleventh birthday was that he made me an adult, or so he said. He raped me that day for the first time. I was so happy to go to Hogwards! But somehow it was harder here. I did things I would never have done or said things I wouldn’t even think about saying! Then when I went home for the holidays I was always worse that before. He would hurt me more and sometimes I thought that he put a spell on me. But when I woke up there was nothing different.“ Here Sirius began to cry.

„Did...did James know all that?“ Remus asked.

„Not everything. He only knew that they hurt me.“

„Sirius, you should tell them everything.“ Harry was standing beside him and holding out his hand in silent support. If Sirius told them he would also have to tell about his attemted suicide.

„But Harry, then they would know! And...and you would have to tell...“

„I know, Padfoot, I know and will do it.“

„But I don’t want them t know, Harry! Can’t you understand that? I don’t want them to know what I did!“

„Sirius! You didn’t do anything! It was done to you by your father. I am sure they will understand.“

„Do you really think that?“

„Yes. I trust them with my life. So you can trust them too.“

„I hope you are right... On the night after I send Severus down to find Remus, I woke up from a dream and went to the Astronomy Tower. As I sat there everything suddenly became too much and I decided to end it. But someone found me...As I saw that there was someone I tried to jump, but he grabbed me and I thought he would hurt me like all did whenever they touched me. I struggled so hard to escape but he wouldn’t let me go. Why didn’t you let me go, Lucius? Why couldn’t I just end it?“ Siri was now sobbing and Harry hugged him so hard that Sirius couldn’t really breath. But that wasn’t important right now. If he had jumped maybe Peter wouldn’t have betrayed them and James and Lilly would still be alive...then Harry would have had a better childhood...

*SLAP*

Unbeknown to him he had said it out loud and Remus had slapped him

„Are you mad, Sirius Black! You can’t just say that and hope that we will understand that you wanted to die! You hope that you had died? Than we wouldn’t ever have been able to defeat Voldemort. And we don’t know how long James and Lilly would have lived then. Maybe they would have died another time? With Harry. The Slytherins would still support HIM and Severus and Lucius would have probably be dead.“ Remus didn’t want to sound so angry but he wasn’t able to understand how his friend could have wished to die that night.

„I am happy that you didn’t die, Mr. Black. You rescued me twice already. And my father...would you have wanted him to die?“ Draco asked. He had seen how his father’s eyes had lightened up at seeing Sirius. How Sirius had focused on Lucius almost immediately.

„NO! I don’t want him to die. I couldn’t imagine living without him...“

„Ah... so you love him?“ now Draco had him in the trap.

„I...I...yes. I love him. But I know that he would...could never love me back...“ with that Sirius fled the hall without seeing Lucius rise his hand to stop him.

****************

Lucius stood there dumbfounded.

'Sirius loves me! But why has he run? And where to?

„You should probably follow him, Mr. Malfoy. He will be in the Tower...“

„Do you think he will try it again, Potter?“

„No. He promised that he would never try it again...if I promised him the same...“

„What...Harry?“ Remus was shocked. His love had almost killed himself? Without him even knowing.

„I am sorry, Moony. Just before you told me that you loved me I thought about flying...without my broom. I even stood on top of the tower, where Siri found me.“

„But why, Harry?“ Dumbledore was saddend that so many of his students would try to kill themselves.

„It was all too much! Voldemort and than Ginny always trying to get me alone. All the attempts on my live when all I wanted to do is live in peace! And suddenly I had feelings for my father’s friend, a man twenty years older and a werewolf...I just couldn’t do it anymore! It hurt so bad. And then just as I wanted to go through with it, Siri found me. He knew immediately what I wanted to do and told me everything. Even about his love for Mr. Malfoy...“ as Harry ended Lucius ran.

Now he was sure that Sirius loved him. But how could they be together when Sirius had been hurt in the past?

tbc

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