Johnny Carson
The Arabs are a backward people who eat nothing but camel dung.
Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.
Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)
Nixon is a shifty-eyed god**** liar... He's one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides.
Harry S Truman (1884-1972)
I don't give a s*** about the Italian lira.
President Richard M. Nixon on being asked by H.R. Haldeman if he wanted to hear a report on the decline of the Italian lira.
I would have made a good Pope.
Richard M. Nixon
Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.
Lyndon Baines Johnson (1908-1973)
No.
President Jimmy Carter's daughter Amy when asked by a reporter if she had any message for the children of America.
Sometimes when I look at my children I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin."
Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy and Billy
Who's Virginia?
Rose Kennedy, when asked wher her daughter-in-law Joan lived in Boston while her son Ted lived in Virginia.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office.
Robert Frost (1874-1963)
Nothing is said that has not been said before.
Terence (185-159 B.C.)
How come they picked you to be an astronaut? You got such a great sense of direction?
Jackie Mason
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
David Letterman
Gary Cooper and Greta Garbo may be the same person. Have you ever seen them together?
Ernst Lubitsch (1892-1947)
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The enemy came. He was beaten. I am tired. Goodnight.
Message sent by Vicomte Turenne after the battle of Dunen, 1658
I happened to catch my reflection the other day when I was polishing my trophies, and, gee, it's easy to see why women are nuts about me.
Tom Ryan
Nolan Ryan is pitching much better now that he has his curve ball straightened out.
Joe Garagiola
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
Groucho Marx (1890-1977)