Xena Top Ten Lists

10. "Not Quite Mortal Beloved"- All of Gabrielle’s dead boyfriends/husbands return.

9. "Bard… Assassin"- One of Gabrielle’s lookalikes is introduced.

8. "Here He Comes… Mr. Known World"- Joxer enters the ‘Known World’s Sexiest Man’ contest- and wins. (Ares obviously was not in this contest.)

7. "Ties That Bind Way Too Tight"- Ares can’t think of any new get Xena back plans, so he recycles some old ones and finally just gives up.

6. Number 6 is on vacation.

5. "Gabrielle and Ares"- After giving up on Xena, Ares decides to get Gabrielle instead. (This ep would be known as Succession. Gabs glad it was not rejected!)

4. "Return of the Deliverer"- Khraftstar is back!

3. "Unforgiven"- Oh, the horror…

2. "Like Mother, Like Daughter"- Hope returns! (Hey, Gabs can dream, can’t Gabs?)

And the number 1 rejected Season5 episode is:

1. "The End of the World As We Know It"- Evil Gods from Mars invade and kill everyone on Earth, starting with Eli. (Actually a FanFic story by Gabs.)

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

10. Theodorus

9. Random Victims of the Warrior Queen

8. Random Victims of the Warrior Princess

7. Ares

6. Callisto destroyed number 6.

5. Jerry Springer (gotta kill some competition- literally.)

4. Argo

3. Perdicas

2. Gabrielle

And the number one guest on Callisto’s talk show is:

1. Xena (of course!)

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

10. Attack Potidea

9. Kill Herodotus

8. Kill Hecuba

7. Ares

6. Gabrielle attacked number 6 after going psychotic.

5. Make her travel with Joxer.

4. Henbane!

3. Attempt to obliterate the Amazons.

2. Kill Lila

And the number one way to make Gabrielle go crazy is:

1. Kill Xena! (works every time)

10. You read every fan fic story you can find.

9. If someone says something offensive about the show, you stop what you are doing (unless you are watching Xena, of course) and threaten to injure them severely.

8. You become depressed if you miss an episode, new or rerun.

7. You are extremely happy/hyper for quite a while after seeing a new episode.

6. Gabs too busy being an obsessed Xenite to figure out number 6.

5. You have memorized every episode title in order, from Sins of the Past to Motherhood. (And yes, I really have done this.)

4. You spend almost all of your money on Xena merchandise. (Gotta save a few bucks for food.)

3. It’s Halloween. Does anyone even ask what your costume will be?

2. You are currently working on at least 9 fan fiction stories.

And the number one sign to tell that you are obsessed is:

1. You have three folders filled with episode lists, pictures, character lists, fan fiction and pictures. And you have your own Xena shrine.

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

Gabs decided that 10 just was not enough. So, here we go…

10. You admit it and are very proud of it. (Who wouldn’t be?)

9. You spend way too much time (according to some people) on Top Tens and FanFic.

8. Xena and Gabrielle somehow get mixed into your current thoughts during French class. (Of course I did my homework! What was it again?)

7. During a track meet, all you can think about while watching the pole vault is Gabrielle’s jump through the window in "Gabrielle’s Hope."

6. You use quotes from the show everyday. (Look! A number 6! What do you people have against number 6 anyway?)

5. Your whole life revolves around the Xena broadcast schedule.

4. You name pets and children after favorite characters.

3. Your future plans somehow involve Xena.

2. You have quit jobs, missed school and/or skipped important events to watch Xena.

And the number one way to tell that you are obsessed is:

1. You almost broke your sister’s arm because she was touching your Xena shrine. (It was her fault, honest! Gabs warned her!)

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

To: Gabrielle From: Xena

10. You take kendo and fencing lessons in hopes that you will travel the world, righting wrongs with Xena.

9. You legally change your name to Xena or Gabrielle.

8. You do number 9 and you’re a guy.

7. Everyone calls you Xena or Gabrielle. They also call you Insane Xena Girl, or Psychotic Ares Guy.

6. Number 6 was sent to an institution.

5. You call anyone who annoys you Joxer or Salmoneus.

4. You have every Xena paraphernalia known to man. (Not yet. Who needs to eat? Or sleep?)

3. You have heads of non- Xenites that touched your shrine. (I swear to Gods! It was in self- defense of Xena!)

2. People often say to you, "Excuse me girls, there is no sword or staff fighting on campus." (Actually happens Friday at lunch.)

And the number one way to tell that you are obsessed is:

1. You’ve been to a mental institution more than once for missing an episode (Gab!)

By: Xena, Warrior Goddess

10. Discuss favorite episodes.

9. Discuss favorite characters.

8. Discuss least favorite e>Top 10 Rejected Season 5 Eppisodes.

7. Discuss least favorite characters.

6. There is no number 6.

5. Attempt to overcome your obsession. (Not gonna happen.)

4. Run in fear as a blue haired person enters, screaming about being the Goddess of War. (Gabs won’t hurt you… too much.)

3. Observe all those other crazy Xenites.

2. Think about the episode on tonight at midnight, which you will of course stay up to watch despite the fact that you woke up at 2 this morning out of pure Xena anxiety.

And the number one thing to do at Xenites Anonymous is:

1. Destroy it and the founder! Who would want to get over a Xena/Gabrielle obsession?

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

10. There is therapy for that.

9. That’s an unhealthy obsession. (No!)

8. You know, there are other television shows. (What? Since when?)

7. You quit your job because of Xena- again?

6. For some unexplained reason, there is no number 6.

5. No, from what you’ve told me, that was not the series finale. You can come out of your room now.

4. What will you do when Xena really ends? (Depression… mental institute…)

3. Can you undo whatever you did to my neck?

2. I promise I will never touch the shrine again, but please don’t kill me!

And the number one thing that Xenites hear too often is:

1.Two words: restraining order. (Gabs hears this whenever Gabs is in a Xena discussion. Meaning Gabs hears it every day.)

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

10. For some strange reason, teachers insist that Gabs do work during class.

9. Softball tryouts are killing Gabs. (Apparently anyone who survives tryouts makes the team.)

8. Always going online and getting Xena stuff and meeting other Xenites.

7. Too busy working on 9 fan fiction stories.

6. No number 6, of course.

5. Currently reading The Odyssey in English.

4. Those pink dancing elephants on the ceiling are quite distracting.

3. Gabs does not have her favorite Xena folder.

2. Gabs has been Xena deprived for far too long. (4 whole days!)

And the number one reason why Gabrielle can’t come up with a top 10 list:

1. Still incredibly disturbed after learning the identity of the other parent (Gabs prefer this term) of Xena’s baby.

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

10. My sidekick is more annoying than yours!

9. I bet my sword is sharper than yours.

8. Anything you can do, I can do better!

7. That Callisto person was actually pretty nice, once I got to know her- and got over her attempt to kill me.

6. Of course, no number 6.

5. So I hear that you are a friend of Caesar, Julius Caesar?

4. I hate bards!

3. Don’t you just love the Gods? Especially Ares!

2. Joxer sure has some great songs, doesn’t he?

And the number one thing you should probably never say to Xena is:

1. Are you sure you’re Xena? I thought you would be taller! (Oh, wait- Amarice said something like that in Endgame, didn’t she?)

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

10. There is no number 10. (But maybe Key to the Kingdom…)

9. There is no number 9.

8. There is no number 8.

7. There is no number 7.

6. Naturally, no number 6.

5. There is no number 5.

4. There is no number 4.

3. There is no number 3.

2. There is no number 2.

And the number one worst episode ever is:

1. There is no number 1. (Is anyone really surprised?)

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

10. The Bitter Suite

9. Callisto

8. A Family Affair

7. A Day in the Life

6. Seeds of Faith

5. A Necessary Evil

4. Sacrifice2

3. Succession

2. Is There a Doctor in the House?

And Gabs number one favorite episode is:

1. Ides of March

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

10. She killed Solan.

9. She deserved it.

8. She was mean.

7. She was really weird.

6. No # 6.

5. She tried to kill Xena, Lila, Gabby and Joxer. (Well, that last one isn’t so bad.)

4. She was a bitch anyway.

3. It was really gross how her and Ares were together.

2. Callisto’s cooler.

And the number one reason it doesn’t matter that Hope is dead:

1. We don’t need any Gabby look-alikes! We have enough Xena look-alikes!

10. Hope killed him.

9. He deserved it.

8. He was dorky.

7. He was really weird looking.

6. As usual, no number 6.

5. He looked absolutely nothing like Xena and Borias.

4. He was a wimp anyway.

3. He was taking up too much screen time.

2. Hope is cooler.

And the number one reason why it doesn’t matter that Solan is dead is:

1. Xena and Gabrielle were wasting too much time visiting him once each season.

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War

10. It was time for a new Amazon Regent. (Out with the old, in with the new.)

9. Her hair looked better than Xena and Gabrielle’s. (Yeah, sure…)

8. Amazons should not have such abnormally proportioned, fat overloaded thighs.

7. Ares thought that she was too peaceful for an Amazon Regent.

6. She was an Amazon with a name. All Amazon’s with names die.

5. She was almost as dumb as Argo. (That’s mean! Argo’s pretty smart!)

4. TPTB thought it would be fun to go on a killing spree at the end of Season 4.

3. Why do we need her when we have Velasca!?

2. She was like Solan- taking up too much screen time.

And the number one reason it doesn’t matter that Ephiny’s dead is:

1. TPTB thought that with her out of the way, Joxer could be Queen!

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War (evens) and Xena, Warrior Goddess (odds)

10. Instead of homemade cookies, she makes homemade nutbread.

9. When she grounds you, she says, "Go straight to Tartarus and stay there!"

8. Her usual cry of "Monday Night Football!" is replaced by "USA Xena reruns!"

7. Instead of taking the dog for a walk, you take the horse for a walk.

6. Number 6 is just too sick.

5. Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses stop bothering you for fear of being hit with a chakram.

4. Your father spends less and less time at the bar and more and more time in the bedroom. (Lovely visual.)

3. A blond woman comes to the door every day and says, "Is your mommy here? I’d like to kill you in front of her."

2. An irritating blond woman tells you bedtime stories about your mother.

And the number one way to, you know, is:

1. All the clothes mom buys you are leather or suede.

By: Xena, Warrior Goddess

10. Your French teacher starts to ask, "Will all the boys line up against the wall? My new friends haven’t eaten yet."

9. Your math teacher keeps asking, "Madame Marsolais’ new friends aren’t looking for me are they?"

8. Your P.E teacher says, "Instead of swimming we’re going to learn to fly."

7. Your friends start arming themselves with sharp bones.

6. A Bacchae stole number 6. Sorry.

5. A dopey guy in kitchenware comes up to you at lunch to check your neck for bites.

4. When you try to answer a science question your teacher is found dead.

3. A tall woman with black hair tells you to avoid the school café. (Which, incidentally, is now a nightclub.)

2. All of your blond friends grow fangs and longs black nails overnight.

And number 1 is:

1. Your principal has been replaced by a big red guy with horns. NO, a different big red guy with horns!

By: Xena, Warrior Goddess

10. She hasn’t watched Xena as long as me. (Since it started.)

9. Hasn’t seen The Reckoning. (Anyone who calls themselves a Xenite has seen this episode 12 times. She hasn’t seen a minute of it!)

8. Doesn’t realize that Ares does not want Gabrielle anymore because she refused him. Twice.

7. Xena is so much cooler than Gabby, it hurts.

6. Joxer took number 6.

5. Ares doesn’t like peaceful Amazons, as is evidenced because Ephiny’s dead.

4. Gabby isn’t any good at fighting.

3. Xena is the only one who is goddess material.

2. Why bother? Ares will be mine soon. (Mental note: Execute plan #1 to get Ares back.)

And the number one reason why it’s wrong that Gabrielle calls herself Goddess of War is:

1. Gabrielle: Goddess of War just seems wrong. (Mental image of those two in bed is very disturbing.)

By: Xena, Warrior Goddess

10. She does not like Ares new haircut. (What the hell is wrong with you??)

9. She is not as obsessed as Gabrielle is. (See: top ten ways to tell that you are obsessed and ten more ways to tell that you are obsessed.)

8. Seems to be in denial about the fact that it is fifth season and Ares wants Gabrielle now. Get over it!

7. Xena is not anywhere near as cool as Gabrielle.

6. Number six decided it would be best to stay out of this.

5. Xena is married to Autolycus now. She should leave Gabrielle’s man alone!

4. Gabrielle is a kick-ass warrior bard this season.

3. Xena sure as hell is not goddess material. Ephiny and Gabrielle are the only ones worthy of being goddesses, and having gods as husbands.

2. Why bother? Ares is already mine!

And the number one reason… well, you know… is:

1.Gabrielle and Ares look so great together!! Ephy even said so!

10. X:WP is brought up every ten seconds.

9. "What will happen to you when X:WP ends?" is often asked.

8. Family members have died because of saying number 9.

7. Heads of non-Xenites decorate the front lawn.

6. No # 6.

5. Frisbees are thrown at neighbors, followed by, "Sorry, just practicing."

4. X:WP is the only show that will show up on the television.

3. Xena merchandise fills more than one room.

2. You’re friends with a weird blond girl. (Gabrielle, who thinks she is Goddess of War.)

And the number one way to tell that you have a Xenite in your house is:

1. You have rabbit every night for dinner, which is paid for with dinars.

By: Xena, Warrior Goddess

10. You have an Ares shrine. (Ares and Xena fight often in my room.)

9. Your entire wardrobe consists of clothing that has Ares on it.

8. Whenever someone says Ares is a jerk, you beat them into submission and make them like Ares.

7. You daydream about being Ares’ Goddess of War. (You wish, Gabrielle!)

6. A very big fan of Ares destroyed number 6. Made her really mad. Please don’t kill me!

5. You tell your parents that you’re married to a teddy bear because the spirit of Ares is inside of it. (Oh, Gabrielle…)

4. Ares is your imaginary friend.

3. Ares is your imaginary husband. (Gabrielle- again)

2. The only episodes you watch have Ares in them.

And the number one way to tell that you are obsessed with Ares is:

1. You try and kill your best friend because Ares likes her more.

10. Think about how many men have died because of Gabrielle’s "Kiss of Death"

9. And how many have died after falling for Xena.

8. My poor Perdicas!

7. Her beloved Borias!

6. Six is making subtext with 11

5. That would complicate plans for global Xenite domination! Oh, my apologies… wrong list

4. Hercules and Iolaus!

3. So many other hot men…

2. Because Xe, the Warrior Goddess, loves Autolycus! (Really has nothing to do with this list, but still…)

And number one reason is…

1.That would destroy my dream of seeing Gabrielle and Ares get together on the show, instead of just in my mind (and my fan fic…)

10. Comic relief

9. A good, loyal friend

8. All around nice guy

7. Autolycus isn’t as dumb as Joxer looks

6. For once, there is a number six- his son is a hottie!

5. Who knows why? Gabs just does, damn it!

4. Depressing to think about 6^th season with no Joxer, no Gods and no Callisto!

3. Because, Gods damn it, I love Ares! (oops, wrong list… again)

2. Despite his goofiness, he was quite useful at times (think Sacrifice II & The Bitter Suite)

And the number one reason is…

1.Who is gonna obsess over Gabrielle in season 6? (On the show, Gabs means. Xenites don’t count!)

10. All you think about and talk about is Xena.

9. You write top ten lists about how excited you are.

8. If anyone says the words "six" or "season," you automatically assume they are talking about Xena.

7. When you wake up in the morning, your first thought is that you get to look forward to another season of Xena excellence (and the ARGO Awards!)

6. No number six (though gabs stills hasn’t figured out why…)

5. You go to your room, planning on watching Stigmata again, but end up watching Motherhood for the millionth time.

4. People often ask how much sugar you have had, or else what drug you’re using.

3. Your reply to number 4 is "It’s a Xena high."

2. You hear new rumors about sixth season and end up scaring your family because you’re so excited.

And the number one sign is:

1. You spend a whole day trying to remember the rumored name of a 6^th season episode. Then, at 11:40 PM, you jump out of bed and turn on the light because you suddenly remembered it.

By: Gabrielle, Goddess of War