Werule

It is bound to happen soon. Commissioner Gary Bettman is probably going to give his job, nay his legacy, to his illegitamite children, Kyle and Tim. So we thought of a few changes that we would make for the better of the sport. We are so sorry to the players we insult in this segment. We really do have some respect for you, after all, you did make it to the NHL.

If we rule the NHL...

...all players must go by their nicknames that they are given (by us). Richard Park will now be known as Dick Park.

...there will be a new penalty coined...Holding The Gaborik.

...Jacques Lemaire will become our foster dad.

...whenever the Wild travel to NYC or LA, any and all super-models will be at the players disposal.

...Mike York is banned, no reason given.

...Sunday's at the Xcel are no jockstrap days, let the fun begin.

... speaking of the Xcel, the arena will be now known henceforth as the XXXcel Energy Emporium. Free lap dances in between periods. $20 during periods.

... Marian Gaborik will replace current NHL commissioner Gary Bettman as a player-commissioner.

...New York Rangers only allowed to play IHL or AHL teams.

...The Columbus Blue Jackets will now be known as the Columbus Yellow Jackets, or the Crap Jackets, depending on home or away games.

...Toronto Maple Leafs' player Wade Belak has to carry Marian's hockey bag for him.

...make Theo Fleury play while high and/or drunk.

... Matt Johnson will be given immunity to penalties.

...before every game, make Ed Belfour commit a "domestic disturbance' and drink a fifth of whisky. Canadian whisky.

...on off days, Marian must perform stand-up comedy at a Minneapolis night club as stipulated in his contract.

...opposing teams of the Wild must pull their goalie on command so the Wild can score more goals.

...Manny Fernandez is now allowed to use a big-ass board in place of his stick with the words "no goals allowed" written on it.

...Every time Sylvain Blouin is penalized, he has to drop where he is and do 20 push-ups.

...Derek Morris must change his first name to Zack. His will also be referred to as "preppy".

...Jarome Iginla must declare homosexual tendencies.

...Wild given Stanley Cup before the Playoffs, regardless of their position in the standings.

...Anna Kournikova, Daniela Hantuchova, and Jelena Dokic will be named official Minnesota Wild cheerleaders.

...Marian must be allowed to wear tinted sunglasses at all times.

...those shitty Subway commercials featuring that ass Jared must not be shown during Wild telecasts.
Better yet, those shitty subway commercials: banned nationwide.

...The Wild must get rid of that fat National Anthem singer and replace with _______.(anyone)

... Marian receives all NHL trophies at the end of the regular season, including the Conn Smythe trophy for most valuable playoff performer, the Vezina trophy for best goalie, the President's trophy for most regular-season points by a team, the Norris trophy for best defenseman, and the Adams trophy for best coach. Also, after Marian retires, the Gaborik trophy will be awarded annually to the NHL player who has the hottest wife.

...DVD's must be free for us because they are just so darned expensive.

...Jarome Iginla must change his name to A.C. Slater, and the Flames will henceforth be led by head Coach
Sonski and assistant Coach Rizzo.

...Instead of the foghorn during Wild goals, The theme from "Saved by the Bell" will be played, including the cool bell sound in the beginning.

...Every fight between a Wild player and an opponent will now be broken up by Antti Laaksonen as he begs them: "Come on guys, break it up, please? C'mon, someone is going to get hurt!" (In little girly voice.)