Title: Hold my breath
Author: Lusmeitli
Rating: PG-13
Show: DA
Disclaimer: Not mine, yadda yadda
Genre: Drama/Angst
Pairing: Elizabeth Bennett and
Mr. Darcy
Summary: Alec’s thoughts as he waits to see Max.
A/N: Warning: This is a rather
dark fic. No details will be given as to “how”, “why”
and so on. This is how I’ve experienced this situation. It wanted to get out,
so I’m sharing it with you from Alec’s POV.
Inspired by real
life, brought out by Natalie Imbruglia’s “On the
Run”. Dedicated to my dad.
His head was terribly heavy.
All his limbs were heavy and aching, as if he had just come back from an
“exceptional” drill at Manticore. His whole body felt sore. And so did his
soul. His thoughts were hurting and he just wanted to hide in bed and never
ever have to get up again.
Alec couldn’t remember how
many times he had cursed Manticore for his inability to get drunk. It would
make things so much easier right now. He could just go to the bar across the
street, order a bottle of Scotch and wash it all away. Find his sanctuary for a
couple of hours. Where he could hide, but could open up completely. Where he
could suffer and numb his pain. Where he could make things
clear by fogging his mind. Where he could find some peace of mind and
his brain would be too busy telling his liver to get rid of the alcohol in his
blood, than producing any more of those silly, annoying, disturbing thoughts.
He sighed in frustration. So
he was condemned to think and sit this out. In moments like this, he could
almost understand why his brother Ben had gone mad. What had made him kill people. Maybe he just needed to… take off his mind of those
thoughts. If ordinaries had problems, they could just go to the next bar and
drown them. Swamp it out, file it somewhere in the
dusty corners of their brains.
But transgenics had
photographic memories. They couldn’t forget. Only if
Manticore made them. And that included a certain laser and a couple of
very painful hours strapped down on a chair, accompanied by a killer-headache
for the next two weeks. He would give a lot for that laser right now. He would
even take the headache and the straps. Instead, he felt as if he was going
slowly mad. Going bonkers. Wacko.
Maniac. Lunatic.
This room was driving him
crazy too. Basically, it was this room’s fault. God, it was so very hot in
here. Sticky. Was there no air conditioning in here?
Not even a fan? Alec felt his mouth go dry. Gosh, he was thirsty too. And no water in sight. He was parching. But he couldn’t
leave now.
Why was it so sodding hot in
here? Maybe he could open the door a little bit and let some air from the
hallway stream in. It sure would be fresher than the one in here. And why the fuck were there no windows? Only this fake
window which, in fact, was a mirror. Displaying the features
of a very pale and agonised young man.
It took Alec a couple of
moments to realise that he was staring at his own reflection. He buried his
head in his hands with a frustrated sigh and sat back down. Only
to get up again a second later, taking up pacing the small room again.
He eyed the second door of the
room. What was taking them so long? They had told him it would take an hour and
three hours had passed by now. They had promised to tell him and let him to her
as soon as she was in the ICU. So what took them so long?
His hand wandered to the
collar of his shirt, pulling it away from his throat. It had never been as
tight as right now. It had never deprived him of breathing like it did now.
What if she died? What if he had come too late? He should have insisted on
riding with the paramedics. Instead of chasing after them on
his KTM Duke. But everything had happened so fast, it was like a blur to
him then.
Now, it replayed in slow
motion. Over and over and over again. Along with pictures of her. He felt like he was watching a
very bad film. The pictures and sounds had started slowly, but by now, they
were bombarding his mind and his senses.
Their first
encounter. How he had freed her from that cage. How she had looked at him when he
had towered over her, with a knife in his hand. How she had kicked his ass in
the cage fight. Their many nights at Crash. How her
eyes sparkled when she smiled. How her laughter sounded. He had heard it not
too often. Not often enough yet. How her voice…
Panic hit him hard. How did
her voice sound? His head was a mess right now. Dozens of female voices rang in
his ears and he desperately tried to make out the one that belonged to Max. And her eyes? What colour were they again?
“Ungh!”
Alec suppressed the wish to
sink his fist into one of those four walls. It was all this room’s fault. It
was too small, too quiet, too hot in here. Of course
he remembered Max’ eyes, he just needed to close his, like this, and there they
were, looking at him. Everything okay, he could still remember her eyes. And
this fake window was driving him insane. Making him feel very
claustrophobic.
Until three hours ago, his
world had been in place. And then it had shifted out of place, just like that.
Things that had been important until three hours ago,
now seemed to be so minor and – meaningless. What once had mattered,
didn’t anymore. All that mattered now was whether Max was still alive.
Everything else had lost its meaning.
When would they finally come
and tell him what was going on? He approached the second door and rang the bell
that was just beside it. He waited and waited. Tapping his
foot nervously, restlessly pacing to and fro. For once, he was glad to
wear a digital watch. The ticktacking of the clockwork surely would have driven
him insane.
Finally, his transgenic
hearing picked up the sound of soft soles approaching the door. How he wished
he could kick it open and burst right in there to Max. But this wouldn’t help
her. He kept telling himself just that. Over and over again.
Let the doctors do their work. Be patient. Patience is a virtue. Yeah, right.
His hope rose with every
approaching step. This time, they would have some news,
they would tell him that she was doing okay. She had to be. She couldn’t just
leave like this. It was so un–transgenic–like to die like
this. Such a stupid, meaningless death.
The soles were now at the
door, he could see how the door handle moved downwards and then he looked up
into the face of the nurse. Her eyes were empathic, full of understanding and
compassion. As they had been all the other times before.
“She’s just come out of
surgery, Mr McDowell,” the young woman said.
Alec’s eyes drifted from her
eyes to the nametag on her uniform. He could make out the letters, he knew what
they meant, but it took him a moment until he put them together to a name.
“Thanks,” he started and then,
remembering her nametag, adding: “Thanks, Deb.” Was this his voice? It sounded
so raw and… intense. Thick with emotion. Overloaded,
strained, tired.
The nurse’s voice brought him
back to reality. “She’ll be alright.”
God, how he wanted
to believe her. How he wanted those words to be true. How he wished
her words would convince his head and heart, too. Those words were supposed to
comfort him and, for a moment, they did. For a split second.
“They’ll bring her here when
she’s out of narcosis. As soon as we have set up everything here, I’ll come and
get you and take you to your fiancée.”
Alec nearly laughed at that. Fiancée. He had to tell them something or they wouldn’t have
let him to her. Not even into this sticky, small, hot room. Had those walls
just inched in closer? He swallowed and it hurt. His throat hurt. He was so
very thirsty…
“I brought you some water,” nurse Deb said and held out a small bottle to him. “It can
get very hot in here.”
Alec looked up into her face.
This very moment, he believed in God. There must be one, for he had just sent
him an angel to give him what he needed. Water, comfort,
understanding. She was still smiling and he reached for the wonderful
cool bottle, unable to speak. And he hoped that she would understand this, too.
Apparently she did. She
flashed him another smile, turned around and closed the door again. Leaving him with – a bottle of water and the hope that everything
would be alright.
But would Max be alright? What
if this was just the common line nurses were supposed to say to people waiting
for news in this tiny, little, hot room? Damn, his collar was still so very
tight. Breathing hurt. Though the water had cooled him down a little, the room
seemed to get smaller minute by minute now.
What if the last time he would
see Max’ face would be when she was dead?
“We need you to identify your fiancée, Mr McDowell.” And they would pull away the blanket
from over her head. And she would look so fragile and small and.. pale. And her skin would be so
very cold to his touch. No heartbeat to be picked up by his enhanced hearing other than his own and the one of the doctor beside him.
What if they were all lying to
him? What if… What was the last thing she had said to
him? Her very last words?
“Take care.” And for good
measure, she had added a friendly: “
He leaned back onto a wall.
Slowly, he slid down, until he sat on the floor. What if Max died? Would he be able
to let her go, knowing that things were clear between them, everything had been
said that had to be said? Would she know what she meant to him? How he felt
about her?
What if she died? Where would
she go to? Was it just all over, lights out, nothingness? Would she be reborn?
Was there something like… Heaven and
Hell? Would the Blue Lady take
care of her? Would she be afraid? Would she think of him? Would she watch him
as he would – miss her? Or would she forget all about him? Have better things
to do like, um, play the harp?
Sighing, Alec closed his eyes
and prayed for the first time in his life. “To whomever it may concern… Please
don’t take her away just yet. She’s still needed here.” He hesitated and added silently:
“I need her.”
He rubbed his eyes and stared
at his hands. That’s when the bulb started flickering. Every fifteen seconds
sharp. Flicker. This was outrageous. The heat, the smallness of this room, the
stickiness, no window and now this stupid bulb started to flicker.
Anger welled up in Alec. He
didn’t want to be here. It all felt so wrong. He wished so hard this was a
nightmare and he would wake up any second. But he knew damn well that this was
reality. And there was nothing he could do. This was the most outraging thing
of it all. He was absolutely helpless. No bad guys for him to kill, no
medication to be acquired, no deal to be arranged, no apocalypse he could stop
to safe Max, no cowards there to threaten, no punks to beat to bloody heaps.
There was absolutely nothing he could
do to help Max.
He felt empty and hollow and
incomplete. “Scared to death” suddenly had a whole new meaning to it. That he
was. Scared of what he was feeling, scared of his thoughts, but most of all,
scared of losing her. He never really had her in the first place, but still,
she was around. He knew that she was sleeping only a couple of doors down. She
was alive. He had her in his life.
A sigh escaped his dry lips. He
was condemned to wait. Like ordinaries. Wait, wait, wait.
And the time seemed to run in extra slow–motion. He was angry. They hadn’t come
this far for her to die now. And certainly not like this. Was this really it?
Everything they had fought for, everything they had lived through and survived,
for her to die like that? Wasn’t
this… unfair? Didn’t she deserve to die happy and very old, like ordinaries?
Did it have to be so sudden and so – senseless? Useless?
Unprepared?
He wasn’t ready to let her go
just yet. He doubted if he ever would be, but he had never needed her more. And
what the hell was she thinking anyway? Sneaking off like this? Couldn’t she
take better care of herself? Shouldn’t he
have taken better care of her? He should have been there. He couldn’t have
prevented it. No one could have. But he would have been there. With her.
Alec downed the last bit of
water and threw the bottle into the bin at the other side of the room. What
would he tell Joshua? How would he tell him? And the others?
What would he have to do?
“She’ll
be alright.” Nurse Deb’s words rang in his head. Yes, she would be alright. In a
couple of days, he would be thinking about this day again and laughing about
it. Being happy that it had turned out so well. That
she was still alive. Yes, this was how it was going to be.
It just had to.
He had to think positive now.
Max didn’t need him being all pessimistic and scared and full of dark thoughts.
He needed something lighter… Yes, he would think about what he wanted to do
with her, once she had fully recovered. He could take her to a Ferris Wheel. He doubted Max had ever been on one. Or they could
make a race through
But how his head
ached right now. He could feel his heartbeat in his head. How strange
was that? He wished he didn’t feel it. He wished he could feel her heartbeat
underneath his fingertips. He needed a proof of life. Now.
Footsteps quickly approached
the door. Alec sprung to his feet, as if ready to jump. His entire being
concentrated on that door and the person approaching
it. The message was vital for his entire being, his life as such. It decided on
everything, on hope and desperation, on joy and on pain, on life or death.
His body was trembling with
anticipation, sweat was forming on his forehead, his
mouth went dry once again. It was as if he had never drunken that water. His
heart pounded in his ears, his palms balled to fists. Alec’s whole body was
tense, as was his mind.
The door handle went down.
Alec could smell disinfectants, illness, desperation, hope, medications, wounds. Suddenly, he was scared of looking up. He would know
now. The moment he had waited for for so long had now
come. And suddenly, he didn’t want to know anymore. Suddenly, waiting for some
more hours seemed perfectly okay with him. Suddenly, knowing seemed a lot worse
than waiting and not knowing.
“Mr McDowell, you may see your
fiancée now.” A small silence, then: “She’s fine. Please follow me.”
The nurse’s words broke the
dam in him. Every thought he had had, every emotion he had lived through in the
past few hours seemed to well up again, overwhelming him. A wave of relief
washed through him, bringing him back to his seat again. He wanted to cry, to
jump for joy, to shout out loud his relief.
But all he managed was a weak
smile to the nurse.
Like in a haze he followed
her. Out of this sticky, hot, small room. Leaving this heavy burden behind. But still, he was worried.
Now, he needed to see for himself. The nurse showed him to a room.
He took it all in. The
machinery, the noises, the whirring sounds, the beeping, the monitors,
surrounding – the bed. And there she was, tiny and fragile and pale, the wires
and tubes making her look more dead than alive. He stepped closer to the bed,
searching for some spot on her that wasn’t covered in bruises or bandages or
wires or hoses. Some place where he could touch her. He needed to touch her to
see if she was for real, if she wasn’t just a hallucination.
Her left hand seemed to be
free. Slowly, Alec walked around the bed. At first, his touch was hesitating,
very careful. But then, he felt the warmth of her skin. He felt her heartbeat
on her wrist. She was alive. Max was alive.
Tears sprung to his eyes. Alec
had never felt as happy before. Alec had never felt as light before. His heart
constricted and he said a silent “thank you” to “whomever it may concern”.
Lying in front of him was the greatest gift he had ever been given in his
entire life. His very personal miracle. He didn’t feel
the collar of his shirt anymore, he didn’t feel hot anymore.
That was when he felt her
stir. It was just a weak movement, but he felt it nonetheless. His eyes sprung
to her face and he met her eyes. They conveyed so much to him, words completely
superfluous and unneeded, as their eyes did all the talking. Gently, Alec
squeezed her hand. And she squeezed it back.
His world had shifted back in
place.