| the back-and-forth relationship |
| why is it so hard to let go? i've always had this problem. the only non back-and-forth relationship i've had was with my first boyfriend who refused to go along with it because he'd been through it before. he was smart enough to know when to call it quits. unfortunately, unlike him, i didn't learn the first time and have recently done it again. the back-and-forth relationship is taxing, for anyone who hasn't had the pleasure of being in one. sometimes i wonder why i do it to myself. maybe i like to suffer. maybe i need to be 100% sure before i let something go. maybe it's immaturity and inexperience. whatever my reasons may be i have learned a few things this time. first, i'm going to make pretty damn sure that i want to be in the relationship with the person from the start. that was the first mistake i made with my second boyfriend, my first back-and-forth relationship. next, i'm going to make sure i should be in the relationship. that was the problem with this last guy. from the start, things were bad. i mean, we didn't even speak the same language, literally. although i still firmly believe that language barriers can be broken down, i think it takes two creative people to do it. i don't think this guy even knew the word creative in his own language. i was always upset about something and instead of getting out when i first realized there was a problem, which was embarrassingly early on, i kept pushing, hoping he would come around and be who i wanted him to be. i excused too much of his shitty behavior on language and cultural differences. it's funny that while i can give great advice i can rarely follow it. my friend recently started liking this guy who was acting fairly aloof. she would call me asking for advice, or just want to talk about it. i told her that she was a cool girl and shouldn't have to struggle. hmmmm, i thought, aren't i also too cool to struggle? here i was telling my friend to run and never look back. so why wasn't i running? i still don't fully have the answer to that. maybe it was hope. maybe it was fear of loneliness. maybe i didn't think i could find anyone better, or was too lazy to try. the one good thing that came out of this ridiculous game of tug-o-war is that i am positively sure that i am happier without him than with him, which is a good thing because i don't have much doubt that i've driven him to absolutely detest me. i also know that i can never, ever, no matter how lonely my Sunday nights might be, call him or text message him again. |