By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CITY STREET
A computer model of CARRIE-ANNE MOSS with an
inhuman-looking face flies out of a window, shoots at an
agent, and is killed.
INT. THE NEBUCHADNEZZAR - BLUE
KEANU REEVES wakes up from his nightmare. CARRIE-ANNE
MOSS, played by a human being, is laying next to him.
KEANU REEVES
Whoa.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
What's the matter? Did you wet the
bed again?
KEANU REEVES
I had this dream. You flew out of
a window in slow-motion and shot at
an agent and he killed you.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Well of course you dreamed that -
you've gone online and watched the
Matrix Reloaded trailer like fifty
times in the past two days.
KEANU REEVES
Did you see the computer generated
me fight all those Agent Smiths? It
was awesome! I'm gonna go hack in
and watch it again now.
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE SEWER
LAURENCE FISHBURNE, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, and KEANU REEVES join
#SewerChat with all the other rebels.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Gimme ops! I want ops!
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Shut up. Listen everyone. The
Osiris has sent a transmission - the
machines are drilling straight down
to Zion. It's a wonder they didn't
think to do this sooner.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Ops! Ops! Ops!
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Fine! Jesus.
* SexyJada69 sets mode: +o TheOneBeliever.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Woohoo!
* SexyJada69 was kicked by TheOneBeliever (Don't hog ops!)
* Joins: SexyJada69
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Not funny.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Sorry. Okay, everyone. I believe
the Gloria Foster will contact us
soon, so I need one ship to stay
back here and be available if she
makes contact. This goes directly
against the order of our military
commander, but he's a total dick, so
fuck him.
* SexyJada69 has quit (irc.logos.net irc.thematrix.com)
* -[Ghost]- has quit (irc.logos.net irc.thematrix.com)
* StokChar02 has quit (irc.rebels.net irc.thematrix.com)
* StokChar01 has quit (irc.rebels.net irc.thematrix.com)
* TheOne has quit (irc.nebuchadnezzar.net
irc.thematrix.com)
* Trin303 has quit (irc.nebuchadnezzar.net
irc.thematrix.com)
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Oh shit.
* Joins: -[Ghost]-
* Joins: StokChar02
* Joins: TheOne
* Joins: AgentJohnson
* Joins: Trin303
* Joins: StokChar01
* Joins: AgentJackson
* Joins: SexyJada69
* irc.thematrix.com sets mode: +o AgentJohnson
* irc.thematrix.com sets mode: +o AgentJackson
* AgentJackson sets mode: -o TheOneBeliever
* AgentJohnson changes topic to 'Th3 M4tr1x h4s j00
h4h4!!1!'
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Agents! Get the hell out of here!
* Parts: SexyJada69
* Parts: StokChar01
* Parts: StokChar02
* Parts: Trin303
* Parts: TheOneBeliever
* Parts: -[Ghost]-
KEANU REEVES
I don't feel the slightest bit
intimidated, and as a result the
audience feels absolutely no danger.
AGENT JACKSON
That's a shame, since this is the
first fight scene and should really
get them hyperventilating.
They use kung fu and KEANU beats the crap out of the AGENTS
and flies away.
INT. ZION
All of the ships head to ZION. Nothing happens for a
while. Characters talk to other characters. Eventually,
there is an erotic rave scene, but it too is somewhat
boring. The AUDIENCE goes to sleep.
AUDIENCE
This is what they're fighting to
save? It sucks! Wake me when they're
back in the matrix.
Eventually, GLORIA FOSTER contacts KEANU, and they visit
her.
EXT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR PARK
KEANU sits down next to GLORIA FOSTER after fighting SING
NGAI for no good reason.
GLORIA FOSTER
Hello Keanu. My dialogue this time
around isn't anywhere near as well
written as the last time we talked,
so let me get to the chase. I'm a
program, all of your decisions have
already been made, Trinity is going
to die, and you need to find Randall
Duk Kim. Gotta run!
KEANU REEVES
Got it. Hey, have you seen that
spoon-bending kid from before? There
haven't been any cool quotable
phrases in this movie and I think he
could help.
GLORA shakes her head and leaves.
HUGO WEAVING
Mr. Anderson.
KEANU REEVES
That's good, but it really came
from the first movie. Got anything
else?
Suddenly, a bunch of other HUGO WEAVINGS show up. They
FIGHT to VIDEO GAME MUSIC. Despite all of the enormous
hype, it is extremely clear when the scene switches into
CGI-mode.
HUGO WEAVING
Why are you using kung fu? Can't
you jump inside us and delete us
like in the last movie? Isn't that
one of your super awesome powers?
KEANU REEVES
Nah, the only real new power I have
is flight.
HUGO WEAVING
That sucks.
KEANU REEVES
Not as badly as my appearance when
I do my little mid-air spin move
with this pole.
He fights and fights and fights and eventually gives up and
flies away.
INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR RESTAURANT
LAURENCE, CARRIE-ANNE, and KEANU enter the restaurant and
talk to LAMBERT WILSON.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
We want Randall Duk Kim. I am
totally dead serious here, as I
always am.
LAMBERT WILSON
I won't give him to you, but you
can use my girlfriend, Monica
Belluci to go behind my back and get
him. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm
going to go have some matrix sex.
MONICA BELLUCI
Grrr, I get so mad when he cheats
on me. To spite him, I will give
you Randall.
KEANU REEVES
Wait, you're a program right? So
some machine actually specifically
programmed you and gave you the
ability to be jealous, conniving,
and spiteful?
MONICA BELLUCI
Not only that, but they made me a
hornball. I will only help if you
make out with me.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
What? It's bad enough that the
agents no longer pose any threat at
all, but now these are the kind of
obstacles we must overcome to save
Zion? Make out with Monica Belluci?
What will we have to do next, eat
our way through a prison wall made
of chocolate?
MONICA helps them and they escape with RANDALL DUK KIM in a
car.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Hurry, we have to get Randall out
of here!
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
And take him where, exactly?
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Uhhhh.. away from the bad guys? It
doesn't matter, we're just waiting
for Neo to save us.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Don't you realize that without any
real goal, this scene is utterly
without tension, regardless of how
cool it is, stylistically?
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
This is a matrix film, there's no
point to anything other than style.
They are CHASED by TWO ALBINO RASTAFARIANS. More video
game music plays in the background.
ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #1
We are utterly pointless.
ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #2
Yes we are.
Eventually, KEANU REEVES saves them all and takes them to a
secret hideout.
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CONFERENCE ROOM
LAURENCE, KEANU, CARRIE-ANNE, JADA, and VARIOUS OTHER
REBELS meet with RANDALL DUK KIM.
RANDALL DUK KIM
To save your world, you must strike
at exactly midnight.. it will
require a complicated three-pronged
attack...
AUDIENCE
Holy shit, we're at the climax of
the film! I haven't seen anything
from this in the trailer - it must
be fucking amazing, especially since
it has to top the burly brawl and
the car chase.
We see a montage of shots from the important mission while
RANDALL and THE REBELS discuss the plan in voiceover. Once
the discussion is over, the problem is solved. KEANU enters
a ROOM OF LIGHT.
INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR WHITE ROOM
KEANU enters a white room, the walls of which are covered
in monitors. A chair spins around to reveal THE EXPLAINER.
KEANU REEVES
Who are you?
THE EXPLAINER
I am The Explainer. I designed the
matrix screenplay. Unable to
decently explain the convoluted plot
well, I have resorted to putting
myself here in the final act and
having you ask all of the questions
the audience wants to ask.
(dramatic pause)
You must begin by asking your own
questions then gradually switch to
asking those of the audience, in
order to not make this scene any
more awkward than it already is.
Concordantly, while your first
question may be the most pertinent,
you may or may not realize it is
also the most irrelevant.
KEANU REEVES
Why am I here?
THE EXPLAINER
Many years ago, shortly before the
success of Speed, you sold your soul
to the devil in exchange for a
promise of notoriety that your
piss-poor acting skills do not
deserve. This series is the
actualization of this promise.
KEANU REEVES
What was the Osiris? And who was
that kid in zion who kept pestering
me?
THE EXPLAINER
You will find the answers to these
questions by purchasing The
Animatrix, a collection of nine
animated shorts from some of Anime's
top directors.
KEANU REEVES
Alright. Well, what was that crap
Glora said about vampires and
werewolves? And how did Jada Pinkett
Smith get to Laurence Fishburne
during the car chase? And what the
hell happened during the power plant
takeover climax that-wasn't?
THE EXPLAINER
You will find the answers to those
questions by purchasing the Enter
The Matrix game, available for
Windows, Playstation2, Xbox, and
Gamecube. Enter the Matrix features
awesome gunplay and spectacular
martial arts that bend the rules of
the Matrix. This game isn't just
set in the Matrix universe--it's an
integral part of the experience,
with a story that weaves in and out
of The Matrix Reloaded. Enter the
Matrix is the story behind the
story.
KEANU REEVES
Fine! Then tell me this, what the
hell is with Hugo Weaving saying he
and I have some special connection?
And how come I can control machines
in the real world? And will we win
the war if I don't choose the door
to my right?
THE EXPLAINER
You will find the answers to these
questions when you watch The Matrix
Revolutions, coming later in 2003.
KEANU REEVES
I hate you.
THE EXPLAINER
Perhaps you should drink more
Powerade.
KEANU REEVES
Just answer me one question. We're
not going to find out that the real
world is in another matrix, are we?
THE EXPLAINER
Christ I hope not.
KEANU leaves and flies to save CARRIE-ANNE MOSS from being
shot. She is SHOT anyway. Then KEANU reaches into her
matrix code and pulls out the bullet in a comical fashion.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
That was preposterous.
KEANU REEVES
Wait till you see what I do outside
of the ship.
THE CREDITS roll, as DISC ONE of the soundtrack is played
in its entirety.
END
Copyright 2003 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author's name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.