so do you ever have one of those "epiphany in the shower" thingies? yeah, well, now that i'm back, i decided i'd write it down and even share it with you :) yeah, well, to those of you that know me, i'm sure this is a shocker... actually, even if you don't know me i'm sure you'll just be amazed. i don't like to be vulnerable. wow. amazing, isn't it? well, anyway, i'm sure you'd like to know how i arrived at that.... so would i. but i can tell you a few of the things surrounding it. i guess i started thinking about wanting to be a counselor... and how when i had to see someone b/c i had trouble expressing my feelings, i didn't want to open up to them. i remember that she tried to ask me about the guys i liked at school, and i thought, "i don't even tell my closest friends this, why would i tell you?!" and then i started wondering why i didn't tell my friends who i liked. why don't i tell people about my life? oh, sure, i tell them about the past... but i think that's b/c the past is done, finished... conquered, in a sense. but the present... the present means that i would have to admit that i can't do everything, that i'm not perfect, that i STRUGGLE with things. and i guess that's hard, b/c i want to be perfect. or at least have people think i am. i want to be immaculate. i want to have all the answers. (this being the reason i am often reluctant to admit that i haven't heard of something, or to admit that i'm wrong. i know one big "i'm sorry" won't cover it, but there's my feeble attempt to make up for all the stuff i've screwed up in the past. praise the Lord it's good enough for Him.) i want to be the best. i don't want to look weak, or stupid, or vulnerable. i often wonder if i'm really that good of an actress. i know people who say they're good at hiding their emotions, and yet i always know when something's up. i wonder if i'm the same way. i still think that when i went through my depression, the only people who knew were the ones i told. that kind of annoys me, b/c (i hope you laugh at this, it's kind of pathetic) as much as i want to be invulnerable, i also want attention. but it's the kind of attention you want as in... i dunno, the one i thought of was: you're sick in the hospital, but you don't complain. someone asks you how you are, and you say alright. however, the idea of wanting to be brave and hailed as such wars with the idea of wanting to be fawned over. isn't that irritating?! i think so. i have a lot of pride, which is stupid, b/c everything i've ever done that was worthy of praise was God-driven, and i should simply be grateful that He saw fit to use me. however, there's a difference between knowing something and living it. how frustrating. but at least it gives me something to work on. anyway, there's my little realization of the day - can i go back to bed now? ;) goodnight all you people who are loved by God - that means EVERYONE. Father, help me to be vulnerable. help me to admit when i'm wrong. help me to realize that i don't have to know everything 'cause that's Your job and You've got it covered. help me to say i'm sorry. even when i don't want to. help me to trust, and yet still expect nothing. humble me, Father. i know it'll hurt like heck, but i also know i need it. break my proud heart so You can rearrange it. and let me leave the building plans up to You. amen.
p.s. may 1st... i got a d on my calc test... yeah, in that class that i was all-too-cocky in :) praise Jesus! |
