When I tuned into Vh1's new season of Celebrity Fit Club, I expected to see fitness challenges, weight loss victories and defeats, general testiness and the occasional Marine meltdown or two.



I had no idea that the inclusion of Dustin Diamond, whose main claim to fame was playing Geek Extraordinaire on Saved By the Bell, would nearly drive me to drink.



I should preface this to say that I can't stand instigators. I can't stand those people who, for lack of any other purpose, are there to be a burr in everyone else's britches. He can't be in the competition to simply get fit and bring his team to victory, no.



He has to get the most TV time by being a great big asshole.



Since I care what happens to people like Maureen McCormick, Da Brat, Kimberley Locke, Warren G, Ross the Intern, Tiffany and Cledus T. Judd, I have to tune in. This means I have to put up with the vomit inducing antics of this amazingly arrogant behavior.



So let's get that clear from the onset. I'm not watching this program BECAUSE of him.



Rather, in spite of.



Because of my disdain, I've decided to call him Screech. Not because I can't separate "fantasy from reality", but because it seems to annoy him. Plus it's a reality check. As in... Dude. You're Screech. That "may" (emphasis on may) have been a big deal ten years ago.



Now? You're selling Tshirts to save your house.



Get over yourself.



Let me also state that I never watched SBTB because it was utterly and totally ridiculous. I'd rather have my fingernails torn off and my fingers dipped in pure alcohol than have to endure a half hour of flimsy thin writing and painful overacting.



That he's using this to assert himself over everyone else there, specifically Kimberly Locke, is laughable. Big dog? Really? She was on one of the biggest shows in television history, and managed a career beyond that.



Dude, you're Screech. A second rate Saturday morning kid's show.



Oh, that's right. He also has The Sex Tape.



A sex tape, btw, I've never seen. Nor have I seen the Pamela/Tommy Lee tape or the Paris Hilton tape.



Watching celebrities bump uglies is not necessarily my idea of a good time.



Least of all someone whose fame comes from playing a dork. What's next? Debbie Does Steve Erkel?



I don't care what the package looks like. The bigger dick is what it's attached to.



And can I just go on the record here and say that his assertions that the tape "follows him around" are even more laughable than the fact that Screech has a sex tape to begin with? Especially since he's the one that frickin BROUGHT IT UP?



This dude obviously will do what he can to get his name in the headlines. Nothing short of God himself telling me otherwise can convince me that he didn't release it himself.



And let me also state for the record that a brave soul I know decided to "take one for the team" and watch the video in question to see whether or not the allegations of his endowment were, in fact, exaggerated.



Let the record show this lady, who happens to love comic book geeks and geeks in general, was very disappointed.



In the previews, we see Screech pushing all his cast mates to the breaking point, including one Sgt. Harvy, who - in the face of being challenged by The Mouth That Roared - will have a meltdown to beat all meltdowns.



If our resident hardass manages to give this dickhead the asskicking he so richly deserves, it'll make having to tolerate his presence on this season's CFC tolerable.



"Well, what if I just leave?" Screech may pout, adopting the M.O. of other Vh1 pseudo celebrity Janice Dickinson.



To which I reply, "Bye. Ain't gone yet?"



Let's face it... no matter how much TV time you get...



You're SCREECH.



Get over yourself.