Things To Put On Your Answering Machine
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for
repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her
tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while
you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have
50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the
phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after
the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without
time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost
up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached,
"The Twilight Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone
phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone
now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work
off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone
number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
"I'm Jobadiea Rezinecker." "I'm Thermtrus Trypinstop." "And I'm
Fred." "We're not home; leave a message."
This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please
note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my
child, and have a nice day.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and
number, I'll be right with you.
E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and
number, and prepare to die.
(Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information
Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to
decide if it exists. Leave a message.
Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not
exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your
name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and
something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these
delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable
positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible.
Thank you again, and have a nice day.
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King
died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave
your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!
Hello (local radio station) what song would you like to hear played?
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is
only a test.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after
the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your
childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words:
orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying
pan? (BONK... THUD)
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now
have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic
"Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.)
You decide.
ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical
engineer. I can do that.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say can and will be recorded and used against you in a
Court of Law…
Sound of a busy signal
(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is
disconnected or no longer in service.
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number
is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.
Creamed asparagus! *BEEP*
Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am pimento loaf,
leave me a message.
This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've
dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim,
or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that
one of them will call you back.
Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible
and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a
second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what
would you like me to tell me?
You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right
now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from
recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not
here, so at the beep...
This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you
couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone
90 degrees and try again.
Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene phone
call.) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your name and
number at the beep.
(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:)
This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.
When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name,
number, and a message.
Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever
lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few
choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an
answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe
YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's
reality, I will call you back.
Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge
where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by
the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature
fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he
wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of
North Dakota.
Hi, this is (your name). Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic
membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love (your name)"
T-shirt.
Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get
back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.
Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him
call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National
Enquirer.