All sorts of sayings, quotes and oddities...
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
The rules of chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
Things you'll never hear a mother say
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."
Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's:
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.
Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
Great Truths about Life That Adults Have Learned
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
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