"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need the advice." -Bill Cosby
"Never raise your hand to your children for it leaves your groin unprotected."
-Red Buttons
"He who laughs last didn't get it." -Helen Giangregorio
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" -Woody Allen
"Suicide Hotline, please hold."
"You tired and you failed, so the lesson is, never try." -Homer Simpson
"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't know how to spell anonymous."
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the icecubes got stuck in my nose."
"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind her, another man looking at her ass."
For you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I can see clearly now the brain is gone...
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.
Does the noise in my head bother you?
Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth.
"It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts." -Tre Cool of Green Day
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
I hear voices and they don't like you.
As you slide down the bannister of life, may your ass collect many splinters.
The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver is this: A bad golfer goes, WHACK, DANG! A bad skydiver goes, DANG, WHACK.
Chocolate...men...some things are just better rich.
Why do they call little candy bars fun size? Since when is little better?
"I used to play baseball. I was really good, my coach didn't think so, but I was."-Joel Madden
David Desrosiers: Look, banana.
Pierre Bouvier: Double banana!
David D: Yeah double banana, that means it's got two bananas in it.
Pierre B: Like your ass.
Billy Martin: Do you ever think about saucepans?
Joel Madden: Saucepans? Um...no...
Billy: Me either.
"Of course the boxers are yummy and it's the bacon that gets the girls, no wait, the other way around."- Benji Madden
"I...I can't get up, I've got a boner."- Chuck Comeau