| Twelve Suicides |
| Part 1 � The call (Start with the den of the house of Arnold Thomson, a person in his late twenties. As he watches T.V. the phone rings.) Arnold: Hello? Alkri: Hello I am Alkri. I�m a representative of the Sardanic Priests. Do you want to be saved? Arnold: No. Alkri: We are having our annual �Save one soul get the next half-off� ceremony tomorrow. You�re sure you do not want to come. Arnold: Are you that guy from the men only club? (Laughs) Alkri: Hey buddy! You just might be sorry for insulting a Sardan. Arnold: What? No, I don�t want any sardines. Alkri: What is your name? Arnold: Arnold Thomson. Alkri: Well Mr. Arnold Thomson, of 812 Hilly Rd. You�d better enjoy tonight. It may be your last. Arnold: Whatever. (He hangs up.) |
| Scene 2 � The Eviction (Saturday morning. A police officer is standing in front of his house.) Arnold: (noticing the officer) Hello officer, what seems to be the problem here? Officer: Well, there was a break in here last night. We�re here checkin� it out. Arnold: Oh I see, I see. (He goes to his house and finds a note on his door. Reading out loud.) Dear renter, we�re sorry to inform you, it seems there has a lag in your payments and we�re hereby evicting you. Evicting ME?!(He keeps reading) You have 24 hours to move all of your belongings. 24 HOURS?! I�m screwed. (He goes into the house. He continues reading.) As well as moving out at such short notice, you must pay your overdue rent of 85 thousand dollars!!! I need some help. (He turns on the TV) Announcer: Life got you down? Arnold: Yes. Announcer: In debt, with not near enough money to pay it? Arnold: Yes. Announcer: Can�t think of anything to do other than sit on your lazy ass and watch TV? Arnold: YES! Announcer: The law offices of Dumass and Stoopid can help. Call 1(800) 596-6634. Dumass and Stoopid: We�ll fight for you. Arnold: (picks up the phone and calls) Dorris: Hello? Arnold: Hello is this the law offices of Dumb ass and Stupid? Dorris: That�s Du-mass and Stoop-eed. And yes this is their offices. This is Dorris speaking, how may I help you? Arnold I need a lawyer, and fast. Dorris: Mr. Dumass is out of town visiting his brother, a teacher. But I can get Mr. Stoopid right over there. Arnold: That would be great. How long should I? (The door bell rings) That was fast. (He gets the door) Stoopid: Hello, Mr.? Arnold: Thompson. Stoopid: Thompson, right. What�s seems to be the problem here? Arnold: I�m being evicted and have to move all of my stuff out today. If that wasn�t enough I have to pay 85 thousand dollars. Can you help me? Stooped: I think I can, all you need is money, fast. Hmm. (they think for a while). I know! Arnold: What? Stoopid: Here�s the plan. You ready for this? Arnold: Yeah. Stoopid: We sell all your stuff at a garage sale Arnold: A garage sale. Stoopid: Yes. Arnold: How exactly does that help? Stoopid: Well it�s simple really. With no stuff it will make packing easier. And with the money we make you can pay off your debts. Arnold: You think I have 85 thousand dollars worth of stuff. Stoopid: I mean everything. Your car, the TV, the couch, anything antique. Arnold: And what if it doesn�t work Mr. Stupid. Stoopid: That�s Stoo- pEEd. And if that doesn�t work we�ll get in my car and drive to Mexico. Arnold: MEXICO!?! Stoopid: Or we could steal things from rich people and sell them. Arnold: Okay. Stoopid: Or Plan D we take out your kidney and sell it on the black market. Arnold: What room do we clear out first? Scene 3: (Title, 3 hours later) Arnold: Well, that takes care of the offstage rooms. Now we just have to clear out the living room. (Knocking is heard, Arnold answers it) Arnold: Hello? Alkri: Hello Arnold. (Blank stares) Arnold: So, what do you want? Alkri: Don�t you remember me? Arnold: No. Alkri: It�s me, Alkri. Arnold: Don�t know you. Alkri: The Sardanic Priest? Arnold: Nope. Alkri: The guy from the men only club. Arnold: Ohhhhhhhhhh. Right, you. What do you want? Alkri: I want your soul. (Maniacal laugh, keeps laughing) Arnold: Okay. Alkri: (stops laughing) But seriously, I�ve come to ask for a donation to our cause we are to collect souls for our dark master...I mean children. Yes, children. Arnold: What�s the number of the mental institute you escaped from? Alkri: Look, smartass, if you don�t give us what we want we�ll send Brackus to come and persuade you. Arnold: Whatever. (Goes into house and closes door) |
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