Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before

long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the

apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more

attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the

other apes all try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it

with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the

stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another

attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will

be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new

one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous

newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a

third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and

is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why

they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating

in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which

have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no

ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's

always been around here. And that's how company policy begins....

   A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes

  over to their  table, gives her husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

   His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"

   "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress

   "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.

  "I've had enough,  I want a divorce."

   "I can understand that," replies her husband,

  "but remember, if we  get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no  more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in

  Tuscany, no more  Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more Yacht club. But the decision is yours."

   Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant  with a gorgeous  babe on his arm.

   "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

   "That's his mistress," says her husband.

   "Ours is prettier," she replies.

In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2008, the organisers of Liverpools bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Toxteth area), wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Liverpools competitors have not been particularly successful. I order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.

100 METRES

Sprint competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRE HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles eg. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc..

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public in the time allowed.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the competitors will aim at post clerks, a bank teller or a wages delivery guard.

BOXING

Entry into this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents Extra while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some "mummy's boy from the country" on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian Rugby team who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

SWIMMING

Competitors will be thrown off the Pier Head into the Mersey and the first three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50km WALK

Unfortunately this will be cancelled as police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.

CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation Rave dancing by the members of Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised brick throwing and music from the Toxteth reggae band. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine on to it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all of the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

1. I can only please one person per day.

Today is not your day.

Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

2. I love deadlines.

I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need.

And I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

 . On the keyboard of life,

 always keep one finger on the escape key.

 . I don't suffer from stress.

 But I am a carrier.

 . Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

 . Never argue with an idiot.

 They drag you down to their level,

 then beat you with experience.

 . A pat on the back is,

 only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt

 . Don't be irreplaceable.

 If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 . I don't have an attitude problem.

 You have a perception problem.

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace

-Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

-Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with

that.

-Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the

direction of one of your company's products.

Forward the mail to a coworker and ask him to settle the disagreement.

-Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear

them one day after your boss does.

(This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

-Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names

at staff meetings. "That's a good point Odo."

"No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Yoda."

-Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for

lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.

During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

-Insist that your e-mail address be: "[email protected]"/

"[email protected]"

-Suggest that beer be put in the vending machine.

-Schedule meetings for 5:10 PM.

-Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

-Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For

example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

-No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

-Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

-Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

-Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

-When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think

my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

-Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

-Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

-Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

-Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as

special treats for your co-workers.

-Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

-Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom,

when people complain that there was none... Just lean back,

pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See how long

it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.

-Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their

caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 (1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the

 fatlady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

 (2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

 (3) The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

 (4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat at again".

 All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

 Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 Hard work pays off in the future.Laziness pays off now.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

 Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

 Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

 Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

 24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence? I think NOT!

 Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

 The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

 If you think nobody cares about you,try missing a couple of payments.

 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.