The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
the
pickup truck when we hit a bump in the road. All the eggs went flying and
broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket.!" exclaimed Kathy.
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks. So the moral of this story is, don't count your chickens before
they hatched."
"That's a fine story Lucy. Now, Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was
a
pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy
territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then
he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed 70 of them
with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed 20 more
with the machete till the blade broke. And than he killed the last 10
with
his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
Johnny exclaimed, "Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!"
he law not a laugh, I beg to differ.
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word....
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight,and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."
HOW CLEAN IS YOUR MIND?
I challenge you NOT to think dirty.
All of the answers in this quiz are NOT obscene in any way.
Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded:
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as
intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a
head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"?
5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in " u-n-t " one of
which is a word for a woman?
6) What does a dog do that you can step into?
7) What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with "k", and if you
can't
get one you can use your hands?
8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9) What four-letter word ends in "I-t "
and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on
others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after
they're married?
ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10.(last name)
This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally,
after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to
cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool,
and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE ICE!"
===========================================================To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in
order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his
"tool of the trade". Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it
was with a hot blonde. So, he decided to put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in
gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.
===========================================================
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a
home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the
movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme
discomfort he asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He
then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The
blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with
his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Baffled the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things!"
===========================================================
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling
outcropping on Mount Washington. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
All eleven people struggled to climb the rope, but to no avail. The rope continued to swing wildly
and was sure to break soon if something was not done to change the situation. As a group they
decided that in order for the greatest chances of survival, one person in the party should let go. All
were sure that if that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments, no one volunteered.
Finally, the brunette spoke and gave a truly touching speech, saying she would sacrifice herself to
save the lives of the others.
All ten blondes applauded.
===========================================================
Three pregnant ladies, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are talking about their pregnancy. The
brunette says, "I'm having a baby boy because when my husband made love to me I was on the
bottom."
The redhead says, "Then I'm having a girl because I was on the top."
Then the blonde looks at them both and says, "I'm having a puppy!"
===========================================================
A blonde went out on a date with her boyfriend to the movies. After the movie he took her to the
lookout mountain and started to kiss her. As things progressed they started fondling each other.
Before long they were ready to make love. He asked her if she would like to get in the back seat.
She said "no".
He was unbuttoning her blouse and fondling her breast and once again he asked her if she would
like to get in the back seat.
Again she said "no".
As more and more of her clothing comes off he becomes really hot and excited. Once again he
asks her "would you like to get in the back seat?"
And again she says "no".
Frustrated he asks "Why not?"
To which she replies "I want to stay in the front seat with you."
===========================================================
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and he stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's
going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row
stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, asshole.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical
attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like
me from being respected at work and in my community and from reaching my full potential as a
person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister!
I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
===========================================================
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She
say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if
she has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ...Aim!! ..."
Suddenly the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
===========================================================
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the
brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend
is buying me flowers again for no reason."
The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal? Don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with
my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
===========================================================
There is said to be a bar in New York that has a special mirror in the Ladies Room. If one
stands in front of this special mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a
lie --*POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, A redhead of questionable good looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before
the mirror and says,
"I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." --*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says,
"I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." --*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous, statuesque blonde with very large breasts comes in and stands
before the mirror and says, "I think...." --*POOF*
===========================================================
Two blonde carpenters were building on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing two by
fours together to framing a window. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and
either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why the hell are you throwing some
of your nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull a nail out of my nail pouch, if the pointed end is pointed
toward me I have to throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They're
for the other side of the house!!"
===========================================================
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.
===========================================================
Letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer:
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K
problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting the company calendars so
that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
===========================================================
Three blondes are stuck on an island and need to get off.
The First blond asks God to be 100 times more clever. God makes her 100 times more clever
and she becomes a red head and swims to the mainland. The second blonde asks God to be
100,000 times more cleverer and she becomes a brunette and builds a boat and rows to the
mainland. The final blonde asks God to be 1,000,000 times more cleverer. God turns her into a
man and she walks across the bridge.
===========================================================
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's a perfect 10;
3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt. Unfortunately, they both noticed he has really bad
dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close the brunette turns to the blonde
and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give 'Shoulders?"
===========================================================
Two blondes are walking down the street when the first blonde finds a compact on the sidewalk.
She opens it up and inside the compact is a mirror. She looks into the mirror, then looks away.
She looks into the mirror a second time. Confused she says to the second blonde, "I'm not sure,
but I think this person in the compact looks very familiar".
Curiously the second blonde asked to see the compact. She looks into the compact and hands it
back to the first blonde and says, "It's me you dumb shit!"
===========================================================
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I
would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me"
He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door"
She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees"
She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper"
She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out"
She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.
The man closed his yes and whispered, "Well....go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly
"HELLO.....MOM???"
===========================================================
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at
a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her
arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is
battered against the ground, she is a few seconds away from unconsciousness
when..................................... the Wal-Mart manager runs out to
shut the horse off.
=-==========================================================
Three blondes walk into a bar. The first one walks up bar and ask for a CC,
Crown and Coke, the bartender makes it and she happily walks away. The
second one goes to the bar and asks for a J.C., Jack and Coke, the bartender
gives her the drink and she also walks away happy. The third blond goes to
the bar and asks for a 12, puzzled the bartender asks her what's in it and
she replies Seven and Seven Duh!!!
===========================================================
A blonde walks into a pizza joint and orders a large 16" pizza. When the pizza is finished the cook
asks the blonde whether she would like the pizza cut into 8 or 12 slices. Puzzled why the cook
would ask her such a dumb question the blonde replied, "8 of course. I could never eat 12."
===========================================================
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She
was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus
rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped
her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to
make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little
more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not
raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more
slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist
and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be
hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
===========================================================
A young blonde comes home from school and asked her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out
of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject
had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
===========================================================
Leaving work early...
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde who all worked together at an
office. Every day they noticed that their female boss left work a little early. So one day they met
together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
That day the boss left early again and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so
she could get an early start the next morning.
The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date.
The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her
husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They
asked the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
==========================================================
A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blond then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny
object?"
She replies "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."
GCSE ANSWERS GIVEN DURING 1999
Every effort has been made to reproduce these gems verbatim.
"Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life."
Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning
Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face...
How important are elections to a democratic society?
Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head
What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
Nelson's Column
Who was it that didn't like the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf
What's a Hindu?
It lays eggs
Name the four seasons
Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar
What changes happen to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
They'll insist you're well endowed if you're buying a house
What is a co-operative?
It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks and
Spencer
What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been involved
in a
car accident and is immobile?
Rape them in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The Kiss of Death
What are steroids?
Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs
What is a common treatment for a badly bleeding nose?
Circumcision
"Red, pink, orange and flamingo are the colours of the rectum."
"I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my
adultery."
"I always know when its time to get up when I hear my mother
sharpening
the
toast."
"Christians go on pilgrimage to Lord's."
"A sexually transmitted disease is gonorrhoea, the penis becomes
inflammable."
"A major disease associated with smoking is premature death."
"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through
Africa."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead
of
the bull."
"Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved
by
fitting them with catalytic converters."
"The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it
removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
them
perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains
the
heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
which
there are five a, e, i, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative
or
negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the
heart
tops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the
hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest
medical
doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered,
then kill it."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in
your
throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and
the
outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something to
hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two
molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards
the moon,because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is."
Some definitions
BENIGN...What you will be after you be eight
CAESAREAN SECTION...A district in Rome
COMA...A punctuation mark - a bit like a full stop
SEMI-COLON...Partial removal of the intestines *
VACUUM...Large empty space where the pope lives
ENEMA...Someone who is not your friend
MAGNET...Something you find crawling on a dead cat
FIBULA...A small lie
MORBID...When there is a bigger offer
GERMINATION...The process of becoming a German
NODE...When you have known somebody for a long time
SEIZURE...A Roman Emperor
FERTILISATION...The fussing of the male with the female garments
TERMINAL ILLNESS...When you are ill at the airport
TIBIA...A country in North Africa
VARICOSE...Nearby
VEIN...Conceited
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies. "We don't have any money; this is a sperm bank".
"Don't argue!..........Open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off"
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says
"Take out one of the bottles and drink it".
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too" he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl's amazement, it's her
husband.
"Not that fucking difficult, is it?"
Foursome
--------------
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny.. keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottomdrawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes." The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's pen!s is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.
In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat." The pharmacist replies in horror, You can't put Deep Heat on that!" The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
--------------------------------------
THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs AND COVERING LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE.
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried.Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
---------------------------------------------------
Here's a heartwarming story:
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. It's nice to now that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fu<k you.
Sincerely, Edna Johnston
----------------------------------------------
TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my DAD.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You ugly dork.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm sleeping with.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry's ice cream.)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you're in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfullfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off the likes of you or I'd rather be gang raped by midgets or I'd rather drink turpentine and p!ss on a brush fire or when bats fly out of my butt.)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have se* with.)
TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN
(and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)
A few nights ago, a young married couple were getting amorous in their bedroom,
when they were surprised by an escaped convict, desperate for some clothes and a
way to freedom. After twenty years in gaol he was not about to let this young
pair get the better of him and soon the man was tied to a chair, and the very
attractive woman tied, face up, on the bed.
The convict left, and they could hear him rummaging amongst their things all
over the house.
They heard glass breaking, and the sound of their locked drinks cabinet being
forced open.
The escapee then returned, looking pleased with himself. He went to the woman's
side, and leant close into her neck, nuzzling up to her ear. She suddenly
started to squirm and shout 'No! No! You can't! Please!'
The intruder got up and left the room, and they could hear him in the bathroom
rummaging in the bathroom cabinet.
The young man said 'Listen, darling. If you turn him down he might hurt you
badly. Don't worry - if he rapes you I'll still love you no matter what. Just
don't antagonise him - do whatever he wants, and we'll get through this. The
important thing is that we both make it through this thing alive. Just let him
have his way, and we'll both be OK. I love you so much, I couldn't bear to see
him hurt you.'
The young woman brightened a little 'Are you sure, darling?' she asked.
'Yes!' he replied, vehemently.
'Good,' she said, 'because he was telling me what a lovely little ass you have,
and asking where I kept the Vaseline.'
Before you offer up a sacrificial lamb, be careful - it may be YOUR ass on the
line!!
HALLMARK CARDS THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEE...
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
7. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me
8. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?
9. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?
WORK VS. PRISON
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get 3 meals a day.
At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
doors yourself.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends.
At work you can't even speak to family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside, wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside
bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
At work we call them "Managers".
Go figure.........
Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like "the dream".
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan
....and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:30!"
Quest for Quasimodo's Replacement
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an arm-less man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous: "You have no arms!" "No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the arm-less man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the arm-less campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first
man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor arm-less wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the arm-less man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the
bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...
..."But he's a dead ringer for his brother."
In 1997 Blood Transfusion workers in Washington State were surprised by the number of people who were turning up to donate blood but were found to test positive for HIV. Investigations into their backgrounds found that the onlycommon link was their place of work. Initially this suggested that sexual liaisons at the workplace were responsible for the spread of infection. However, further questioning revealed that whilst some were sexually active with colleagues at work, this did not hold true for the majority of people infected.
Inspectors from the Department of Public Health were able to trace the source of infection to the work's canteen. After installing discrete surveillance cameras in the kitchens, the inspectors discovered to their amazement the cause of the problem. One cook, who was in his first job after a drug rehabilitation program
for heroin addiction, was frequently careless when chopping onions. HIV positive blood from his fingers was being mixed into the salad vegetables and covered with Thousand Island dressing. The cook was sacked
immediately and the infected workers have submitted a damage claim totalling $80 million.
About 7 am on August 25th 1998, thirty-six year old Mrs Sarah Jenson started her period. By the time she arrived at work an hour later, she had started to experience a chronic itching sensation in her crotch.
Sarah worked as an advisor in a call centre and had recently received a final warning about her poor attendance record. To keep her job, she tried to ignore the itch and got on with answering customers' calls. At 11:25 am she reported to her boss that she was suffering from severe abdominal pain and it was only when she collapsed in her own vomit that he called for an ambulance. She was admitted to the Lincoln Hospital, Texas where doctors discovered that her vagina was greatly swollen and her labia had distended to three times normal size. Whilst cleaning the inflamed area, a tampon was found and it was sent away for analysis. Suspecting Toxic Shock Syndrome, Sarah was kept under close observation until her condition was no longer critical. One week later the Lab results on the tampon arrived and doctors were baffled to find that it contained traces of wasp venom. It transpires that Sarah was having an affair with her aerobics instructor, and when her husband Mr Henry Jenson found out, he was so enraged he wanted revenge. Knowing his wife was allergic to insect stings, he purchased wasp venom through a biochemical company. He lightly coated his wife's tampons with the venom, resealed the individual wrappers and replaced them in their box. Mrs Jenson has filed for a divorce and a case of greviously bodily harm. MrJenson is reported as saying, "I just wanted her to have a swell time without me."
In March 1997, Brian Cranshaw, a chemical engineer from West London, returned to the UK after spending the previous six months overseeing work at a petrochemical plant in Nigeria. During his first week back, his
wife complained that he seemed to have difficulty listening properly. Brian suggested that his ears had not fully recovered from the air pressure changes experienced during his flight. Over the next two weeks, Brian's condition worsened as he started to feel tickling sensations deep in his ears. thinking the trouble was caused by loosened ear wax, he attempted to clean his ears with a ballpoint pen. When he pressed it into his right ear, he heard a cracking sound and saw the pen covered in yellow goo. He went to his local GP claiming he had punctured his ear drum. The GP reached into Brian's right ear with a pair of tweezers and pulled out what appeared to be an insect antenna. During the examination Brian was horrified to learn that he had a total of 5 African cockroaches living in his head. Four cockroaches were alive and one cockroach was dead, presumably crushed by Brian's pen attack. An investigation revealed that when Brian was in Nigeria, a female African cockroach must have laid numerous eggs in the toiletry bag where he kept his cotton buds. When he was cleaning his ears, he was also transferring the cockroach eggs to his inner ear where they started to hatch.
On September 4 1999 at 9.30 a.m. Ron Guptey of N.S.W Australia went intohospital complaining of severe pain in the rectum area. The doctor on call examined him, he found severe swelling around the anus but was left puzzled because he had not seen such a thing before. Two more doctors examined Ron but they too were left confused about what was happening. Through the day Ron's was deteriorating he had developed a fever and was suffering a lot of pain around his abdomen. The doctors gave painkillers but the symptoms worsened until 2.57 p.m. when he lapsed into a coma and 2 hours later was pronounced dead. An investigation was led to discover the reason of death. The body was placed in for a post-mortem, traces of wood bark were found inside the rectal passage, but as the examination went further the doctor discovered
about 3 or 4 black widow spiders in Ron's intestine. The police had found a tree with a cut of branch along the side in Ron's back yard, there were traces of KY jelly and traces of rectal juices along the branch. There was also Black widow eggshells found inside the bark. Ron was apparently satisfying himself with this tree stump, but failed to notice the black widow nest on the tree. During his sexual act he had impregnated himself with the black widow eggs. The eggs had embedded in his rectal passage walls and were kept at the required temperature for the eggs to develop and finally hatch. once the baby spiders were hatched they had bitten him and had poisoned him from the inside.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you
wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she
wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her,
"You do
realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome
man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied,
"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will
only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be
okay
because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The
bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?" The man
says, "I'll have a beer," the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer," and the cat
says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK
that will be $3.87" The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact
change and pays him.
About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says "What'll
you guys have?" The man says, "I'll have a beer," the ostrich says, "I'll
have a beer," and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."
The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87." The man
reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks
over and asks, "What do you guys want today?" The man says, "I'll have a
scotch," the ostrich says "I'll have a bourbon," and the cat says "I'll have
half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53,"
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays
him. The bartender's curiosity gets the best of him and he asks, "Why is it
that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact
change in you pocket?" The man said "I found a bottle with a genie in it and
she granted me three wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact
change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says "That's a great wish ... better than asking for a
million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What
were your other two wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long
legs and a tight pussy."
Lesson 1
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there
in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung
was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Moral(s):
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're up to your neck in shit, keep your mouth shut.
The following is an actual excerpt from Forbe's Magazine:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained
or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much
the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest
brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent
epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of
alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the
weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal
link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also
explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and
getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance
of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of
voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels
that they achieve during their college years. So, this is a call to
arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not
shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your
company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny
yourself the career that you could have.
One - Relaxed
To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost
unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination
etc.
Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps,
schooldays, sport and the price of net curtains, etc...Some beer-mat
flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet.
Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you
to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the
one-eyed
Latvian and the chicken?
Two - Merry
With the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the
second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the
first,with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have
picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else is
there?
Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your
first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a
good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not
everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round,
enough said.
Three - Tipsy
Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the
spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behavior. The
urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now
and
last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still
on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of
a
"I'd give that one" nature.
Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of
net curtains. Could be a goodtime for the first belching contest of the
evening, boys in particular go a bundle on
this type of competition.
Four - Half-cut
Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now
much,much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some
dodgy comedian's redundant catchphrase will also never fail to get
laughs...very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open
invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now
turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic
detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the
difficult side, boys take care not to
catch your foreskin (or anyone else's) in your zip fly. Some girls will be
working up to the firstof the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates
me" tears in the toilet crises.
Five - Drunk
Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody
loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's
all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges -such as the
need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to
procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires
come what may.
Six to Seven - Rat-arsed
Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's
if anybody else can remember what the fuck you were talking about, but
mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be
on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills
to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return
to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people
expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk,
but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in
the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got the most chance to do so
with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tacticalchuck at
this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any
chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leaveroom for a
curry.
Eight to Ten - S**t-faced (alternatively W****ered)
It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers
undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've
had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered.
Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their
existence of this planet. Hey, if only they'd realise that there isn't one
and that
having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's
hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better
looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems
to notice - pissheads.
Ten to Fifteen - Esperanto
For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto,
however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that
you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever
there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the
slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can
proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced
by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - ify ou don't live
nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to
back-sufferers as
its orthopedic qualities are well known.
Fifteen Plus - Clinically Dead
You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a
cliff - but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off
your hangover and try desperately to remember what the fuck you did the
night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even
lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself - cheers then.
There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1American woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Australian men and 1Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
After one month, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them
'bloodywankers".
One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi is searching the island for sheep.
The Irish divided the island into North and South and immediately set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.
If you have a few spare moments then this is worth a read cause it's actually quite funny in places. Takes a while to read it thou.
As all of you are well aware, online computers chat channels are often use to engage in cybersex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over theInternet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy. This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual on-line cybersex session.
Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humor known to mankind.
-----------------------------------------------------
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather miniskirt and high heeled boots. I am tan and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt,it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling.My hand works its way down to your crotch and I beginto feel your huge swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: WHAT?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a second.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.
Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark, I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?
Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom
Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: WHAT?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.
Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the urtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!
You girls are gonna love this....(unless you've seen it ten times already)
Hazardous Materials Information System -- Material
Safety Data Sheet
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary
from 75 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum,
and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning,
and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly
increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in
natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several
can be maintained at different locations as long as
specimens do not come into direct contact with each
other.
ELEMENT: Man
SYMBOL: Ego
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when
she had a craving for ribs.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs., known to vary from
98 to 360 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas.
Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events
and areas known as "singles bars."
Extremely low quantities can be found in any location
where cleaning up is required.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface often covered with hair.
2. Boils when inconvenienced; freezes when faced with
Logic and Common Sense.
3. Melts if treated like a god.
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle
with extreme caution.
5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging
from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is
applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge,
flattery are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious
and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery
Store). However, is attracted to quantities of these
when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is
believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned
to create a highly magnetic attraction for this
element.
2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as
attention, reassurance, and beer.
4. When saturated with alcohol, will be fairly inert
and will repel most other elements.
5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common
household cleansers.
6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers,
particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the
items in #5 & #6.
8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent
known to woman.
SUPER GRANNIE: DEFENDER OF JUSTICE (TRUE STORY)
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found
four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping
bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her
voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you
scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like
mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so
shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and
tried and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four
pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair
carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
A Consumer Reports special: Girlfriends
---------------------------------------------
Well it's been over 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR,Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced,and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CUdecided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriendfor before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personalcharacteristics - if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and agood sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-endmodel.
On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester
clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not reccommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually increasewith time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age Used or New -------- -----------
1-12 years (see note A) 13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up 22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B) 60+ (see note A) Notes:
A couple was golfing one day on a very very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife tee'd up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much its going to cost us."
They walk up, knock on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh yes, sorry about that the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me.
I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself," the genie said.
"OK," the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I can do. And what do you want?" the genie said looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said.
"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband said. "Well, since I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was all over; the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"
"26," she said.
A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed the ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again.
"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green, as it passed over a bit of forest near thegreen, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
The Priest sighs, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A rancher in Oz was out checking farm fences in his four-wheel drive when he hit a pig. He radioed the ranch for advice. "The pig is stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free"
hesaid "Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 4x4 there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it.
When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the rancher called in again: "I did what you said, boss, I shot the pig in the head, it went all limp and I got it out of the bullbars, no problem but I still can't go on."
"Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike, the blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch". They
started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood
at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, ....
"Burrrrrrrr...gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sitdown, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did".
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, shut your mouth! NOW!"
The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket."
And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette."
And, as the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP"
And the officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking..."
An 85-year old man is having his annual check-up.
The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.
"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
Well the Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, " Well, let me tell you a story.
I know of guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM!!!!
The beaver drops dead in front of him.
"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, " Someone else must have shot that beaver."
The Doctor says, " My Point Exactly."
New Business-to-Consumer Retail Craze They're calling it shops or
"S-Commerce" and it's being rolled out in cities and towns nationwide.
"It's a real revelation," according to Malcolm Fosbury, an engineer from
Hillingdon. "You just walk into one of these shops and they have all sorts
of things for sale." Fosbury was particularly impressed by a clothes shop
he discovered while browsing in central London. "Shops seem to be the ideal
medium for transactions of this type. I can actually try out a jacket and
see if it fits me. Then I can visualise the way I would look if I was
wearing the clothing. "This is possible using a high definition 2D viewing
system, or "mirror" as it has become known. Shops, which are frequently
aggregated into shopping portals or "high streets", are becoming
increasingly popular with the cash-rich time-poor generation of new
consumers. Often located in densely populated areas people can find them
extremely convenient. And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by
shops.
"Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of
rotating trainers and then wait five days for them to be delivered in the
hope that they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst
from Chelsea. "This way I can actually complete the transaction in real
time and walk away with the goods." Being able see whether or not shoes and
clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey, "I used to spend my
evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, sometimes they
just sent the wrong stuff." Shops have a compelling commercial story to
tell too, according to Gartner Group retail analyst Carl Baker. "There are
massive efficiencies in the supply chain. By concentrating distribution to
a series of high volume outlets in urban centres - typically close to where
people live and work - businesses can make dramatic savings in fulfilment
costs. Just compare this with the wasteful practise of delivering items
piecemeal to people's homes." Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive
goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of
returning home to find a despatch notice telling you that your goods are
waiting in a delivery depot the other side of town. But it's not just the
convenience and time-saving that appeals to Fosbury "Visiting a shop is
real relief for me. I mean as it is I spend all day in front of a f****ng computer."
Just in case you were feeling young today...
The people who are starting University this autumn across the
nation were born in 1981.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Thatcher era.
They were prepubescent when the Gulf War started.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great
Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Atari's and Space Invaders predate them, as do vinyl albums and
audio tapes.
The Compact Disc was released when they were one year old.
Even worse............
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 26 pence.
Few, if any, have lived without an answering machine.
Few have used a TV set without a remote control and they don't
know
they come in black and white.
They were born the year that Sony brought out the Walkman.
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to
them.
You're probably aged 23 to 33 if.........
You wore a Kagoul, especially those windbreakers that folded up
into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
You remember Le Freak by Chic and Bad Manners' Can-Can.
At school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to
get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by
Prince.
You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in a Duran Duran,
Madonna or Bruce Springsteen video.
There was nothing strange about Bert n'Ernie living together.
You learned to swim after seeing either the advert with Rolf
Harris
or the one with the fairy godmother and it was about the same time
Jaws came out (and still carry the emotional scars to this day.)
You choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.
The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during
"Crazy
for You" by Madonna.
You know who shot J.R. but have probably forgotten.
You remember which policeman you liked best in "Chips".
Mark from Eastenders will always be Tucker from Grange
Hill/Tucker's
Luck.
You remember when Terry Wogan was on TV everyday.
You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.
Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized"
packages of Bazooka gum.
You reckon Wagonwheels/Mars Bars/Ginger Nuts used to be bigger.
You
remember a 'Man's got to chew, what a Man's got to chew'.
You remember when there was no breakfast TV and when TV shut down
at midnight, and when there was nothing on TV in the middle of the
day except for that test card girl with the stupid clown and a
blackboard.
You remember Farleys rusks tasting nice, but when you had one
about
5 years ago they were bloody awful!!
One word.....SPANGLES!!!
You are a true child of the 80s if ....
You remember Now compilations that had the pig on the front cover.
You never questioned why the A-Team was always imprisoned in
places
that had sufficient tools to build an armored tank.
Dungeons & Dragons was your favorite cartoon
Your lunch times were spent perfecting swan dives and backspins.
You've ever said "bright light, bright light" in a strange
high-pitched voice You know the theme tune and the names of all
the actors and characters in Dallas & Dynasty.
You ever wished your hair/clothes/lifestyle resembled the above
(or
they actually did!).
You fell out with friends during heated arguments about the
relative
merits of Matt & Luke.
You owned, or wanted a "Frankie says..." T-shirt.
You have ever danced (or even worse cried)to Kylie & Jason.
Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow have ever featured in
your wardrobe or make-up collection.
You ever did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck
without having your arms in the sleeves, and knew you looked like
a
super-hero.
You remember when the Aha video was the pinnacle of modern
technology, and you can still sing all the words.
Parachuting Action man was your favourite toy.
Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt. You
ever owned a thin, black leather tie(and were proud of it), or
worse
it was patterned like a piano!
You wondered why a popular kids TV programme told you to "Turn off
your TV set and go and do some less boring instead".
You wanted to be either Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys. You have
ever
po-goed or space-hopped.
You remember when Keith Chegwin & Maggie Philbin were the hottest
romantic couple.... And when Keith was associated with Cheggers
Plays Pop rather than Cheggers drinks alcopops.
You wondered why your walkie-talkie didn't have the same range as
those in the Red Hand Gang.
You were shocked by the controversial plot lines in Degrassi
Junior
High.
You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime
horse, and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was
perfectly
normal.
You know who Joey Deacon was.
You thought ABBA were cool, the first time round! You tried to
convince your Dad to fit a strip of red lights on the front of his
Capri so it looked like KITT.
"Ca-vey Wa-vey!" means anything to you.
Remmington makes you think of something other than shaving
equipment.
You wouldn't say no to a milkshake
You've ever had more than 10 sweets in a 10p mix-up.
Not only did you wear luminous clothing, but they were mismatched
finger-less gloves and towelling socks.
When Yoda said There is another Skywalker you wished he was
talking
about you.
Wearing your hair like buns on the sides of your head seemed like,
a good fashion statement.
You remember when Betamax was at the cutting edge of technology
You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word Exterminate.
Vimto or Dandelion & Burdoch ever featured in your diet.
You were really pleased when Pacman got a girlfriend.
You grew up believing that filing cabinets and telephone boxes
possessed magical powers of transformation.
After ET, you wanted a Speak & Spell even though you were top of
your class (don't lie you weren't really top of your class)
Your new winter coat was best used to demonstrate that your wings
were like a shield of steel.
You remember when PC had one meaning, rather than three.
(Girls) You owned a pair of Pixie Boots, generally worn with leg
warmers!
(Boys) You owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with
white toweling socks!
Shiny grey flecked suits.
You grew up in Trumpton, Chigley or Camblewick Green.
You've rolled the sleeves of your suit jacket up Ooh, you could
crush a Grape!
You've ever held a chicken in the air, or stuck a deckchair up
your
nose.
You went to school with Pogo Patterson,Gripper Stebson,and
Ro-land.
Long scarves, K9, and a time-travelling police box ring any bells.
Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy have ever featured on your Saturday
afternoon
You wore legwarmers, tried to do the splits while jumping in the
air, while singing you were going to live forever.
Fingermouse
You were proud of your picture appearing in the Gallery, just
before watching a lump of plastercine who couldn't speak English.
You fantasised about those girls from that Robert Palmer video.
You know all the words to Hey Mickey (well nobody knows past the
first verse anyway).
You remember Look In magazine, and when it was only 20p
You wondered why you and your mates never encountered diamond
thieves whilst out on your BMXs.
You can remember what Quatro tasted like.
Your best mate had a soda stream at home and you were jealous.
The Yuppie next door caught you nicking the VW badge off his Golf
Gti
You remember mobile phones that had briefcase size battery packs
attached.
* This is the kicker
You cringed every time your parents reminisced about the popular
culture of their youth
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`.Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs,
call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Win every time when playing noughts & croses by having the first three goes.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every
bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your
existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you
book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson,Canada
Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about
how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
(Failed to qualify on the technicality that the perpetrator did not, in
fact, remove him/herself from the gene pool.)
1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with
a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near
the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch
and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored
couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what
would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was
closed.
4. This from Tacoma, WA: Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several
friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at
4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that
no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One
end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied
to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore
his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy
river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said
Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no
other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
RUNNERS UP
1. In September, in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned" when he ran, according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting
in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying
him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used
their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy
equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarising.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the Flakvest Berrena was
wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
AND THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
1. PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally
let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators
say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck
full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and
lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one
there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a
watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be
just one of those freak accidents that happen."
The man's cycle.....
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed
a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as
happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on
the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.
Now I am 40 and all I want is a girl with big tits.
Don't cheat
Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image...
You'll be quite amazed when it comes into view.
(start as close to the screen as you can and then move back about 30 cm)
!!!///////****\|||||{{{{{######****""""""x"x"&&&^<<<""""
{{{{{{===**++++*****++++++++++++++?????????????/////////////%
||||||@@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""""}}}}}}}]]]]]]]<<<<<<<%%$~~~~~~~"
=/////////^!~~~~~::---))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<%%%]]^*/======@@@@@~
====]]\\\\\///////*****<<<<<<<{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~@!!!%%
?????&&??===~!~!~!~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%%*^
Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer.
If you had trouble and didn't see it, try getting close to the screen and relax your eyes. Then scrowl down to compare the answer with what you saw.
It's.........NOTHING, you bellend, get back to work.
I can't believe you fell for that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose against the monitor!
Care to hear what Larry Ellison,CEO of ORACLE (2nd Richest Man on the
Planet) said at the Convocation of the Yale University last month:
"Graduates of Yale University, I want you to do something for me. Please,
take a good look around you. Look at the classmate on your left. Look at
the
classmate on your right. Now, consider this:
Five years from now, 10 years from now, even 30 thirty years from now, odds
are the person on your left is going to be a loser. The person on your
right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And you, in the middle? What can
you
expect? Loser. Loserhood. Loser Cum Laude.
"In fact, as I look out before me today, I don't see a thousand hopes for a
bright tomorrow. I don't see a thousand future leaders in a thousand
industries. I see a thousand losers.
"You're upset. That's understandable. After all, how can I, Lawrence
'Larry' Ellison, college dropout, have the audacity to spout such heresy to
the graduating class of one of the nation's most prestigious institutions?
I'll tell you why. Because I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, second richest man
on the planet, am a college dropout, and you are not.
"Because Bill Gates, richest man on the planet-for now, anyway-is a college
dropout, and you are not.
"Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of
college, and you did not.
"And for good measure, because Michael Dell, No. 9 on the list and moving
up
fast, is a college dropout, and you, yet again, are not."
"Hmm... you're very upset. That's understandable. So let me stroke your
egos for a moment by pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were
not attained in vain. Most of you, I imagine, have spent four to five years
here, and in many ways what you've learned and endured will serve you well
in the years ahead. You've established good work habits. You've established
a network of people that will help you down the road. And you've
established what will be lifelong relationships with the word 'therapy.'
All that of is good. For in truth, you will need that network. You will
need those strong
work habits. You will need that therapy.
"You will need them because you didn't drop out, and so you will never be
among the richest people in the world. Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your
way up to No. 10 or No. 11, like Steve Ballmer. But then, I don't have to
tell you who he really works for, do I? And for the record, he dropped out
of grad school. Bit of a late bloomer.
"Finally, I realize that many of you, and hopefully by now most of you, are
wondering, 'Is there anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?'
Actually, no. It's too late. You've absorbed too much, think you know too
much. You're not 19 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I'm not referring
to the mortar boards on your heads."
"Hmm... you're really very upset. That's understandable. So perhaps this
would be a good time to bring up the silver lining. Not for you, Class of
'00. You are a write-off, so I'll let you slink off to your pathetic
$200,000-a-year jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates
who dropped out two years ago."
"Instead, I want to give hope to any underclassmen here today. I say to
you, and I can't stress this enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas
and don't come back. Drop out. Start up. "For I can tell you that a cap
and gown will keep you down just as surely ..."
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday. "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story."
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then
add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
STORY (first paragraph by Rebecca)
----------------------------------------------------------------
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,"
he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.
No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's
cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had
ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly
and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower
to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent,
chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F****** TEA??? Oh no I'm such
an air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
A**hole.
----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
Slut.
----------------------------------------------------------
Get f*****
----------------------------------------------------------
Eat s** & die
----------------------------------------------------------
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
Go drink some tea - whore.
If you think YOU'RE having a bad day...
Fire authorities in a state in US found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.
The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask.
A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast--some 20 kilometers
away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters
with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it!!! One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the sea, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire
bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!!!!!
So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen.
The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear.
The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped
onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying
on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone
and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long
steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and
pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the
gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette,
he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and
found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks,
the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband
on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife
how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the
stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm