Alcohol Warning Labels
=================
DUE to increasing liability litigation in the U.S., beer and other alcohol
manufacturers have accepted FDA's new warning labels which will
be placed immediately on all beer and alcohol containers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to call them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung
Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't
recognize).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
If life was fair ...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.
6. Dale Winton and the makers of that awful 'Hey what about your garlic breath'. 'Doesn't matter I've got double mint' advert would be tied to a slab of cement and pushed off the Tyne bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
7. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera angle".
8. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
9. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
10. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
11. When the Police pull you over, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. as in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's 20.00 off".
12. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of fashion again.
13. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
14. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
15. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
16. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
17. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
18. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
19. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
20. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again ?" cards.
21. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
22. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.
23. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.
24. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and 2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.
25. Saying "Lets have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response. "What a great idea!!".
26. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
27. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.
28. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
29. Along with your milk in the morning the milkman would deliver two Swedish milk maids.
30. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.
Take's some reading - best to do it under your breath just in case anyone can hear you ...
TENDJEWBERRYMUD
It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation......
Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for best email of 1999.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"
One day, Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him
and during her questions about his life, she asked him what he managed
to do for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was, and he said,
"Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"
Horrified, Jane said,
"Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs
wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an
almighty kick to the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually, she
managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"
EMPLOYER LINGO ...
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your
first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has
been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a
legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to
replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual
chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out
what they want and do it.
EMPLOYEE LINGO ...
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I can make my
own coffee.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" I only pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" I hope you don't ask me about all
the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" The minute I find a better job....
LITTLE LOVE
Tips on love. All questions were answered by kids age
5 to 10.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to
work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving
each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find
me a wife." (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies,
and that usually gets them interested enough to go
for a second date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough
bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause
she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big
embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody
sees you, I might be willing to try it with a
handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR
MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette,
9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff.
I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR
PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has
something to do with how you smell. That's why
perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so
painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your
life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to
spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't
already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be
beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm
handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to
marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a
long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off
because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen
when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide
from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I
was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding
fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because
even if you have tons of love, there is still going
to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH
YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy
stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.
You might get attention, but attention ain't the same
thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure
it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually
work for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how
you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their
food will get cold. Other people care more about the
food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that
are on fire. They like to order those because it's
just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine,
9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE
YOU"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him.
But I hope he showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy
feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin,
9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber
all over you ? that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean,
10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to
work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget
that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)
According to some studies, your sexual identity is revealed by
the first letter of your first name... what do you think!! If
you are offended by the description apologies, especially you "K" people.....
A
You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in
action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you
get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered
with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly
enticing. You are an up-front person. When it comes to sex,
it's action that counts, not obscure hints. Your mate's
physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the
chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are
passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous
than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising
these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.
Basically, you are a slut in need of discipline.
B
You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being
romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive
gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You
want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are
private in your expression of endearment's, and particular when
it comes to love making. You will hold off until everything
meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and
abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and
experiences. You are willing to experiment.
C
You are a very social individual, and it is important to you
to have a relationship. You require closeness and
togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner
before, during, and after. You want the object of your
affection to be socially acceptable and good-looking. You see
your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and
sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you.
When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for
long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at
controlling our desires and doing without.
D
Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move
full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest
easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a
problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate,
loyal, and intense in your evolvement's, sometimes possessive
and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are
stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and
open attitude. This can lead to trouble especially seeing as
you have hidden desires for bestiality.
E
Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good
listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be
intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually.
You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedlamite.
You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good
argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt
a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act
for you. But once you give your heart away, you are
uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to
fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book
(Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book). You indulge your
senses and masturbate frequently.
F
You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a
pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You
are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are
sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can
be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic.
Dramatic love scenes are a favorite fantasy pastime. You can
be a very generous lover.
G
You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and
your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual
equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You
are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic
Stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be
extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time.
Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over
everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally
close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.
H
You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and your
earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once
you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an
investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you
tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits, and
equally cautious in your sexual involvement's.
I
You are a sensual and patient lover. You have a great need to
be loved, appreciated ... even worshipped. You enjoy luxury,
sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers
who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an
amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and
exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing
to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore
easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are
more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
J
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love.
Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are
free in your expression of love and are willing to take
chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided
it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that
your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will
find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require
loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being
appreciated.
K
You are crap in bed.
L
You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe
that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or
attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself
as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful,
and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and
get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others
of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
M
You are emotional and intense. When involved in a
relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing
stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming
and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You
believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try
anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is
inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.
N
You may appear innocent, unassuming, and shy; but we know that
appearances can lie. When it comes to sex, you are no novice
but something of a skilled technician. You can easily go to
extremes, though, running the gamut from insatiability to
boredom with the whole idea of sex. You can be highly critical
of your mate, seeking perfection in both of you. It is not
easy to find someone who can meet your standards. You have
difficulty expressing emotions and drawing close to lovers.
Highly critical? perfection? not easy to find someone who can
meet your standards? stop it, you're scaring me!
O
You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and
shy about your desires. You can rechannel much of your sexual
energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily
have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate,
compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from
your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity
diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone.
Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be
kept in check.
P
You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't
think of doing anything that might harm your image or
reputation. Appearances count. Therefore, you require a
good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner.
Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy... a
good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free
of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new
ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you
enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.
Q
You require constant activity and stimulation. You have
tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to
keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an
enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other
ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots
of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
R
You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need
someone who can keep pace with you and who is your
intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on
more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However,
physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to
be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you
do not show this outwardly. If your new lover is not all that
great in bed, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is
important; you can be a very demanding playmate.
S
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy,
sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only
in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal
itself. When it gets down to the nitty gritty, you are an
expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play
any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously.
You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the
right person to come along. And if they don't, you are quite
content to pleasure yourself.
T
You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you
like a partner who takes the lead. You get turned on by music,
soft lights, and romantic thoughts. You fantasize and tend to
fall in and out of love. When in love, you are romantic,
idealistic, mushy, and extremely changeable. You enjoy having
your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and
teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships
fit your dreams, all in your own head.
U
You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in
love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to
adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and
need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential
relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your
mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire
instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's
pleasures above your own.
V
You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and
excitement. You wait until you know someone well before
committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out.
You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him
tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an
age difference between you and your lover. You respond to
danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on,
even though you yourself may not be a participant.
W
You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for
an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are
romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not
seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply
and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is
too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
X
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You
can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You
can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You
can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own
head.
Y
You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't
have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to
control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too
well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and
spending hours just touching, feeling, and exploring. However,
if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the
pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to
yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want
feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating,
romantic bedmate.
Z
For you, it is business before pleasure.. If you are in any
way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find
it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be
romantically Idealistic to a fault and are capable of much
sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You
are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away
and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment,
though, you stick like glue.
This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook, printed early 60's.
The Good Wives Guide
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal
ready on time for his return home from work. This is a way of letting him know
that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Mostmen are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal
(especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he
arrives. Touch up your makeup. He has just been with a lot of work weary
people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a
lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house
just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys,papers, etc.
and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him
to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order
and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with
immense personal satisfaction.
Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the
washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your
desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment
of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember,his topics of
conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to
dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and
tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late home
for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he
might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie
down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing
and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or
integrity. Remember he is the master of the house and as such will always
exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
Dear Tech Support,
I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initial-ization, where it monitors all other
system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can
you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Joe --see Joe's answer below
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly
due to a primary miscon-ception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by
its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to
purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden
operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install,
delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed
to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but
end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual
under "Warnings - Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0
and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I
might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that may occur, regardless of their cause.
Overall, the best course of action will be to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly
as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great
program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software
to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Chocolates 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt
3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely
to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to
take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the
day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the
last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes
to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him
was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the
chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the
body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he
puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I
got, too."
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
One guy says,"I'm a YUPPIE..you know...Young,Urban,Professional.
The second guy says "I'm a DINK...you know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied..."I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash,Iron,Fuck,Etc.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
*****************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one
said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took offall her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The second engineer
noddedapprovingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
*****************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.
*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
*******************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys?We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"The doctor chimed
in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead
of us? They're rather slow,aren't they?"The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes,
that's a group of blind fire-fighters.They lost their sight saving our clubhouse
from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group
was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say
a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm
going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do
for them."The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
*******************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing
all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding
a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion
dollar machines.They had tried everything and everyone else to get the
machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer
reluctantly took;the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine . At the
end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the
machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the
machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from
the engineer for his service.They demanded an itemized accounting of his
charges. The engineer responded briefly:One chalk mark $1, Knowing where to put
it , $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
*****************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
*****************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
the possible designers of the human body.One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections."The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste
pipeline through a recreational area ? Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
*****************************
Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
*****************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
wasBetter to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed
Time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The
artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" He asked theEngineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife
and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other
woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
63 Things You Might Not Have Known
(01) Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
(02) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickle the company once had.
(03) A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
(04) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
(05) The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
(06) The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
(07) A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
(08) Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
(09) A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
(10) A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
(11) A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
(12) 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
(13) Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.
(14) The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.
(15) 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
(16) During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance.
(17) On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
(18) John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
(19) Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
(20) Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
(21) Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
(22) Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
(23) Most lipstick contains fish scales.
(24) Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedo-ing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
(25) Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
(26) Dr. Seuss is actually pronounced Seuss such that it sounds like Sue-ice.
(27) Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
(29) During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.
(30) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in First Class.
(31) Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
(32) The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
(33) Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.
(34) There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
(35) There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
(36) The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
(37) The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
(38) The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
(39) There are 4 cars and 11 lightposts on the back on the US 10 dollar bill.
(40) Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
(41) If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
(42) Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
(43) If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you'd have $1.19. You would also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
(44) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
(45) The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
(46) The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
(47) The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
(48) The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
(49) Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
(50) By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
(51) Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo.
(52) Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
(53) Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
(54) In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered.
(55) Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
(56) Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
(57) An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
(58) Sharon Stone was the first StarSearch spokesmodel.
(59) The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
(60) The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
(61) Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
(62) Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
(63) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!
A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front door he leans around her with one hand on the wall. The ensuing conversation is as follows :-
He: "What about a blow job?"
She: "What here ? You're crazy???!!!"
He: "Don't worry, we've had such a thrilling night, I'm so turned on....it will be quick, I promise."
She: "No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour..."
He: "At this time of the night no one will show up.."
She: "I've already said NO, and NO!"
He: "Honey, please, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
She: "NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
He: "Don't be like that.."
At this moment they're interrupted by the opening of the front door from within. There stands girls younger sister wearing a nightgown and with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes she says :-
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he'll come down and blow him himself. Whatever, for fucks sake get him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
An Essex girl and an Irish bloke are having a drink in a bar and the paddy
is wearing a pair of wellies. One of the wellies has an L on it and the other has an R on it.
So bimbette Essex girl says to Paddy:
"Oi, geezer, why 'ave u got an L on one welly and an R on the uva?"
"Well", says Paddy, "oim a bit tick so I have an L ta tell me dat its me
left foot and an R to tell its me right foot fa when oi put tem arn."
"Fackin'ell", says bimbette Essex girl, "now I know why ma knickers 'ave got C&A on 'em!"
A Jew, A Hindu and a Man U supporter are on camping holiday together.
When a terrible storm breaks out and their tent is washed away.
The three of them decide to find the nearest farm and ask the farmer for
shelter until the morning. The nearest farmer is a kindly old soul and takes
pity on them.
"Of course you can stay the night." he says. "Unfortunately, I only have
room for two of you in the house, so one of you will have to sleep in the
barn with the animals."
"No problem." says the jew and he departs leaving the other two in the house.
After ten minutes however, there is a knock at the door.
The farmer answers it and finds the jew.
"I'm really sorry, but there is a pig in the barn and it's obviously against
my religion to sleep next to unholy swine." "No problem." says the Hindu and
he departs leaving the other two in the house.
After ten minutes however, there is a knock at the door.
The farmer answers it and finds the Hindu.
"I'm really sorry, but there is a cow in the barn and it's obviously against
my religion to sleep next to cattle."
"No problem." says the Man U supporter and he departs leaving the
other two in the house. After ten minutes however, there is a knock
at the door. The farmer answers it and finds the pig and the cow.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it....
Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with " A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worst than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what he's told.
I married miss right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me " What's on TV?"
I said " Dust "
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo drive and said
" I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said " God, I wish I had your willpower"
Young son. " Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad. " That happens in every country son."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married men go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator.
Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved
them but, unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she
thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country
she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On
her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could
stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects
by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of
baked beans.
All the way home, she putt-putted. And, upon arriving home, she felt reasonably sure she could
control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a
surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the
telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then
went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost
unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her
weight to one leg and let it go.It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage
cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this
for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap, and folded her hands upon it,
smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she had peeked, and she assured him that she had
not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold.
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a ......... Happy Birthday!!!
Marconi Project Meeting.
There was a Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Project Manager Driving
to a meeting.
They were going down a steep country lane when suddenly the breaks failed. The
driver knowing they would be killed if he did not stop the car in some way
bumped it repeatedly against the wall until it eventually ended up against a
farm gate. They were all in one piece but the car was very badly damaged.
They immediately all jumped out and the Hardware Engineer rushed to the boot
saying
" Let me get me tools I?ll soon fix this bloody car".
At which the Project Manager said
"No you can?t do that until I have made a plan".
So the Sofware Engineer said
"Let?s first push it back up the hill and see if it does it again".
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of
appearance.
1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were more than three
thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to
the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the
ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their society stood up and pointed at the
first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race
was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were
intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough
to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of
some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of
their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if they had a famine hit
the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears
to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm
glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object
to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First
of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from
right to left... Now, look again... When reading it correctly, it says: "Holy
Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman ."
16 year old Stephen Barton, a pupil at one of England's leading fee paying
schools, returned from school for his Christmas holidays in what appeared to
be some measure of discomfort. When quizzed by his mother, he said that he
had received a "low blow" during a game of rugby and was sure that the
passage of time would heal all ills. Unfortunately this proved not to be the
case and on his third day home he was unable to walk. His mother insisted he
visit the family doctor, a demand to which the incapacitated Stephen
succumbed. On arrival at the surgery Stephen carefully removed his underwear
to reveal that his scrotum was swollen to nearly four times it's natural
size and was bruised almost entirely black with a number of small puncture
wounds to the right hand side showing clear signs of established infection.
The doctor, realising that he was not personally equipped as a GP to
properly treat such a "sporting" injury, immediately called an ambulance to
take his patient to hospital. Stephen was rushed into hospital where he
immediately underwent surgery to properly investigate and remedy the injury.
The infection was advanced and Stephen ended up having his right testicle
removed as the infection appeared to have spread into the gland. To his
surprise, the surgeon removed what were later identified as "a large number
of brown glass splinters" from the boy's scrotum and the highly infected
(and now ex)testicle. It was the surgeon's opinion that these had been
"introduced" to Stephen's nether regions at the time of the injury.
Realising that this was not as it had first appeared, Stephen's mother asked
what kind of assault he had been a victim of with the intention of taking
serious issue with his not inexpensive school as to how such an accident
could occur. In an effort not to make a fuss Stephen admitted to the
following episode: At an unofficial end of term Christmas party after lights
out, Stephen had drunkenly accepted a bet with the boys in his dorm that he
could not fit both his testicles into a medium sized Marmite jar. With
drunken confidence, and in order to win a large sum of money from his fellow
students, Stephen did indeed manage to perform the trick. However, such is
the shape of a Marmite pot that Stephen was not able to remove them from it
after winning his money. Much to the enjoyment of the rest of the
party-goers he crept off to the bathroom to try to remove the pot. Having
been unable to remove the pot for two days and in extreme discomfort with
his testicles swelling, Stephen took drastic measures and went to the empty
CDT room and with a hammer smashed the pot. Yes that's right, he smashed a
glass pot from around his testicles with a hammer! Unsurprisingly, this was
not a clinical operation and also where the damage was really done. As they
say - Marmite, you either love it or you hate it
Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They
come across the gorillas and after a while they notice
that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men
just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the
cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him
into the cage and mates with him for six hours
nonstop.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of
the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken
away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him
in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't
called, he hasn't written ..."
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J.
Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a
way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which
isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup
and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it
a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A school teacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she
liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells
you the time.
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question
analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Rugby.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, Who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Range Rover and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh hell.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU HAVE TWO COWS?
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as
many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two
licensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be
"throwing their vote away."