This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was

  transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

  Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is

  currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without

  Cause".

  This is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer

  Support employee:

  Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

  "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

  "What sort of trouble?"

  "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

  away."

  "Went away?"

  "They disappeared."

  "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

  "Nothing."

  "Nothing?"

  "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

  "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

  "How do I tell?"

  "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

  "What's a sea-prompt?"

  "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

  "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I

  type."

  "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

  "What's a monitor?"

  "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

  have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

  "I don't know."

  "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

  cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

  "Yes, I think so."

  "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged

  into the wall."

  "Yes, it is."

  "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were

  two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

  "No."

  "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

  other cable."

  "....... Okay, here it is."

  "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the

  back of your computer."

  "I can't reach."

  "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

  "No."

  "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

  "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because

  it's dark."

  "Dark?"

  "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming

  in from the window."

  "Well, turn on the office light then."

  "I can't."

  "No? Why not?"

  "Because there's a power failure."

  "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do

  you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer

came

  in?"

  "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

  "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like

  it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it

  from."

  "Really? Is it that bad?"

  "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

  "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

  Tell them you're too f **king stupid to own a computer."

** The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the

California Department of Transportation's driving school....

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

+=- Microsoft Jokes:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

** The Top 13 Changes at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges

13) Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing Netscape logo.

12) Follow-up release to "IE4" now being referred to internally as "IE5-10 with time off for good behavior."

11) Must say "pretty please with jam on top" before devouring next competitor.

10) Cancellation of planned "You'll think what WE tell you to think!" ad campaign.

9) United Way contributions redirected towards the "Let's Buy The US Government" fund.

8) Plans to begin marketing MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter quietly tabled.

7) 10:00 AM: Barksdale (CEO of Netscape)visits Gates' office to sign landmark settlement agreement.

10:05 AM: Feeding time for piranhas beneath trap door.

6) "I don't break for software companies" bumper stickers removed from corporate limousines.

5) Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as "liquor addled she-male."

4) Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up.

3) Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from huge buttwads of cash.

3) Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small competitor to show a modest profit for three straight

quarters.

2) Then when they're lulled, club 'em to death like a baby seal.

... and the Number 1 Change at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges...

1) Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice but to have "Big Louie's Inmate Explorer" installed against

his will.

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals

throughout the company have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints

received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of

language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realise the

critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings

when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that

proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective

manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING:

Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:

And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING:

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:

No fucking way.

TRY SAYING:

Really?

INSTEAD OF:

You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING:

Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:

Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING:

Of course I'm concerned.

INSTEAD OF:

Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING:

I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:

It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING:

That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:

What the fuck?

TRY SAYING:

I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:

This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING:

I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:

Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING:

Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF:

Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING:

He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:

He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING:

Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:

Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING:

So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING:

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:

Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING:

I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:

Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING:

I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:

This job sucks.

TRY SAYING:

You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:

Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING:

I see.

INSTEAD OF:

Blow me.

TRY SAYING:

Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF

Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING:

I don't think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF:

I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING:

He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:

He's a prick.

TRY SAYING:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:

She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING:

I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:

You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Memorize your favorite poem.

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.

When you say, "I love you," mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Talk slow but think quick.

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?".

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Call your Mom.

Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Remember the three R's Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Spend some time alone.

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Read more books and watch less TV.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.

Trust in God but lock your car.

A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.

In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

Read between the lines.

Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

Be gentle with the earth.

Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.

Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

Mind your own business.

Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss them.

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.

Learn the rules, then break some.

Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Remember that your character is your destiny.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band, in another are John, Paul, George and Ringo,

all naked. Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to do what she does best.

After she's finished, she starts on Robbie Krieger, thenRay Manzarek, then finishes off with John Densmore. When she's finished, she licks her lips, wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. At that moment, there's an almighty crash as Michael Caine Smashes through a wall in a Racing-Green Mini Cooper. He jumps out,

grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts - " Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada

one day, carrying a bag of money.

She insisted that she must speak with the

president of the bank to open a savings account

because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff

finally ushered her into the president's office

(the customer is always right!).

The bank president then asked her how

much she would like to deposit. She replied,

"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag

onto his desk. The president was of course curious as

to how she came by all this cash, so he asked

her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.

Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet

you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid

bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to

take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000

that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since

there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my

lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about

the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his

balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly

checked them out until he was sure that

there was absolutely no way his balls were square

and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the

little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated

the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the

old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at

his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay,"

said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess

you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his

head against the wall. The president asked the

old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your

lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000

that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's

balls in my hand."

A Riddle

READ SLOWLY AND DON'T READ AHEAD!!!! WHAT AM I?

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The

functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found

hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of

little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is

quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes

quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and

drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and

accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will

most surely recognize the rhymthic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well

lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy,

frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the

outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased

emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for

yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice

or three times a day, but often much less.

WHAT AM I?

By now, you should have guessed, what is it?

IT'S A... TOOTHBRUSH

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my

Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says "My grandma says there's a bug

going round and it's contagious

"Well done Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door

neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will

take the contagious".

ONE FOR THE LADIES !

If you read one disgusting story this year . . . LET IT BE THIS ONE!

Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.

One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up

with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhoea, but

when she stood up out of bed, she realised that it was urinary pain.

It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhoea, just out the wrong

hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted

into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard.

In paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push

and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she

gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.

She was screaming wildly, and the neighbours called the police. When medics

arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her

bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe.

Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had

to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent

crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all

twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he

exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a

finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet

popping sound.

Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile

bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat

there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth.

The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in.

when he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so

horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing.

The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and

splashing at a furious pace.

If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:

Ms. DeLucci's death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head

trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had

done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet

and then on the floor. It is believed by police that two nights before the

accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a

tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive physical

pleasure.

At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to

flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian

XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of

the tub.

The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag.

Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic

hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobsters' tail joints. The

lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters.

The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud

shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten

them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually

harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's

vagina when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to

gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period. Doctors

believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH

balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the

popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Overnight the

eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten

minutes!!!

You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave

birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.........

>>LIP PRINTS

>>

>> According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced

>> with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use

>> lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after

>> they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror,

>> leaving dozens of little lip prints.

>>

>> Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

>> She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the

>> maintenance man.

>>

>> She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major

>> problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night.

>> To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked

>> the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a

>> long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet, and then cleaned

>> the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

>>

>> There are teachers, and then there are TEACHERS!

>>

>>

> > > > There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer

> > > > > sitting together in a carriage in a train going through

> > > > > Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and

> > > > > as it was an old style train, there were no lights in

> > > > > the carriages and it went completely dark.

> > > > > Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really

> > > > > loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel,

> > > > > Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if

> > > > > nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against

> > > > > his face as if he had been slapped there.

> > > > > The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have

> > > > > kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me

> > > > > instead. 'Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French guy must

> > > > > have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman

> > > > > and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking:

> > > > > 'Absolutely brilliant! Next time the train goes through a

> > > > > tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap the French

> > > > > twat again.

>Female Comeback Lines

> >

> > Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

> > Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

> >

> >

> > Man: Is this seat empty?

> > Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

> >

> >

> > Man: Your place or mine?

> > Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

> >

> >

> > Man: So, what do you do for a living?

> > Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

> >

> > Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

> > Woman: Do not enter.

> >

> > Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

> > Woman: Unfertilized.

> >

> > Man: Your body is like a temple.

> > Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

> >

> > Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

> > Woman: But would you stay there?

> >

> > Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

> > Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die

> > laughing.

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.

These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an

angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been

exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you

your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes

to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove

behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the

two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied

and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,

"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon

down and I'LL shit on it's head!"

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a dog called Sam for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Sam, her old faithful dog, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the

porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened dog in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Sam my old dog into a

beautiful and handsome young man".

Magically, Sam suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicalmake-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Sam and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Sam walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath,

"I bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off now, don't you?"