Some top-class entertainment for you...
In life, we all have our goals. These people just raised the bar!
Here's some lesser known World Records:
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her
stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the
armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation,
completely
insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit
and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft
1inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and
safely drunk
is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding
night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently
attained bull semen.
It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It
contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a
spoonful of French
mustard
and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a
tampon (unused)
instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount
of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the
greatest height (12
ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle
velocity, with
42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American,
who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr
12 mins which
was
officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134
washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an
officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
Programmer to Module Leader:
"We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT**. It will involve a
major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this
legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language
in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants
to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company
should never take these type of projects."
Module Leader to Project Manager:
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have
any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language
is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we
take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on
a project of this nature."
Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have
much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able
to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete
it."
1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who
have worked in this area and others who know the implementation
language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we
should take this project, but with caution."
Senior Level Manager to CEO:
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in
remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the
necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully.
Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other
staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project
slip by us under any circumstances."
CEO to Client:
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust
me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for
doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute
this project successfully and well within the given time frame."
A depressed young English woman was so desperate that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. When she went
down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and
took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. I'm off to America
in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving
closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That
night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by
the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained,
"He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais
ferry."
********************************
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the
desk, the receptionist asked "Yes, Sir. May we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say there's something wrong with your
ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, Sir?"
"I can't fucking piss out of it." the man replied.
********************************
Two men playing golf and a funeral procession goes by. The first
man stops playing and removes his hat as it goes by. "That was a
kind show of respect" said the second. "Well we had been married
ten years you know"
********************************
Due to the restructuring of the CIA very intense interviews are
being held: Three men are waiting to be interviewed by the director
of the CIA. He calls in the first one: "Do you love your country?"
"Absolutely!" "Then take this gun out into the waiting room and kill
your wife." "Sorry, I love her too much." The next guy comes in: "Do
you love your country?" "Yes, I do!" "Then take this gun into the
waiting room and shoot your wife." "Can I just hurt her a little?"
"No, gotta kill her." "Can't do it, I love her too much." The next
guy comes in? Do you love your country? "More than anything!" "Then
take this gun and kill your wife." The man takes the gun and walks
into the lobby. BANG, BANG BANG. This is followed by a series of
crashes and loud noises. The man comes back in all beat up and
covered with scratches. "What happened out there!" demanded the
director. "Some moron put blanks in the gun! I had to strangle the
bitch!"
********************************
Remember, Nobody is sicker than the man who is sick on his day off
********************************
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed
up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint
Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most
virtuous from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and
said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
********************************************************
********************************************************
A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting
problem. The doctors asked her the usual questions and then asked
her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit
shocked but went ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front
of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more
shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had
better do what the doctor said.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her
legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his
chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very
positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get
dressed again.
After she had the doctor sat her down and informed her that the
main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too
much liquid before going to bed.
"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"
"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."
******************************************************
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch? A: You don't, there's a clock
on the oven.
********************************************************
An 80 year old man goes to confession. He tells the Priest
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The Father asks the
nature of his infraction. The old man confesses he made love to
two 20 year old girls. The Priest asks "How long since your
last confession"? The old man replies "Oh, I've never been to
confession...I'm Jewish." The Priest queries "Then why are you
telling me this"? The old man replies "Hell, I'm telling
everybody!"
********************************************************
********************************************************
A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband, a big burly
bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these
on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants!," she said.
"That's right!," said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm
the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He
tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his
knee cap.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants!" She said, "That's
right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn
attitude changes!"
********************************************************
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation,
aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone
is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf
a second time.
"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I
shall telephone the police."
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time: "Hello, this
is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"
********************************
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close
shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden
ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek
and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few
strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
********************************
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room
after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long
before we can have sex?" The doctor says, "At least wait until he's
walking."
********************************
Did your hear about the two gay ghosts? They kept putting the
willies up each other.
********************************
Q: What did the husband do when he saw his wife staggering
around the backyard? A: He shot her again!
****************************************
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? The first
couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
********************************************
A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse
was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby
from hand to hand like a basketball. "Here's your baby, maam" says
the doctor. The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it
up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several
times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor
window. Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and
yells, "My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!" The doctor
chuckles a little to himself and says, "April Fool!!! He was
already dead!
********************************
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: Never tell
everything you know.
********************************
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November
evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what
happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never
seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came
across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery
acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid
and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?" "Oh that was
easy, I charged one and let the other off."
********************************
Q. What's got 4 legs and tastes good? A. Unlucky Fried Kitten
"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The
guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the
door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The
barber looks around the shop full of customers and
says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop
and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour
and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and
says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he
goes." In a
little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing
hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left
here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy
standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As
Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he
wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take
a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob
to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK,
sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red
bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars,
and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to
point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate
it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with
your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I
don't know, but I ain't touching it.
NOTICE
Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving theirvehicles.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine
2 Wind down your car window
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Re-check make-up
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
27 Release hand brake
Here are a few examples of before and after you get married:
BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating
BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month
BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a
situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start
BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm
BEFORE - £80/doz.
AFTER - 75p/stem
BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom
BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain
BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat
BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere
BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging
rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount
Everest.
Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone
would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she
would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having
meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a
scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
News just in - (this has been verified)
A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick
were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding
motorists
on the A1 road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse.
Last May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary
motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed
officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle,
and
was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of
300 miles per hour. The £5000 machine then seized up and could not be
re-set by the bemused PC's.
The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the
North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over
the
Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by Sir William
Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the
RAF
liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape -
the
tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the
"hostile" radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Sidewinder
air-to-ground missile ready to neutralise the perceived threat.
Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to
override the automatic protection system before the missile launched.
The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood
that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in future.
**BECAUSE I'M A GUY
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has
been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for
it, though one time I was able to survive by holding
a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I
will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore
your suggestions that we call a road service until
long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the
car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and
stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the
other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but
now with all these computers and everything, I
wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in
bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for
you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase
basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I
cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin"
or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops
working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite
evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost,
and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone.
Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how
the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what
I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex
or football, though I have to make up something else
when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your
mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to
her when she calls, or think about her any more than
I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is
okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to
pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one
more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every
single time I say it, even when it gets to the point
that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to
go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly
hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll
be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you
threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the
connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I
liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the
end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio
when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and
then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about
how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time
and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison
is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave.
Please do not behave as if you do not find this
fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is
fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes
ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With
the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the `90s, I
will share equally in the housework. You do the
laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes.
I'll do the rest.
All REAL MEN answer "C" to all of these questions. Know this girls, and you will have come far in understanding the male of the species and enriching your own life.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence over the entire planet. You decide to:
A. Present it to the Prime Minister
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations
C. Take it apart
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss most?
A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Bangers
3. When is it OK to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display pure and simple affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions
B. When he is the Pope (not on the lips)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
A. If he's your father, and at least one of you has a fatal disease
B. If you're performing the Heimlich manouevre
C. If you're a professional Footie player and a teammate scores the goal to win the World Cup you may hug him provided that you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat
B. A dog
C. A dog that eats cats
6. OK, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to share with her all of the joys and sorrows that the worls has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?:
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, whisper her name, and when she turns to you with the sea breeze blowing in her hair and t he starsin her eyes you tell her
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get the three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for 40 years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they got there
C. He refused to ask for directions
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy
B. Religion
C. Remote Control
THE 1999 DARWINS !!!!
For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it. A slow, but effective improvement process.
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers, until now.
Exceptions, but worth noting: RUNNER UP?
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr.Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed
them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily
stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade, two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers to
remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed
with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning," a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues. However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths...It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning
lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher. We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed."
Air Buffet: A lingering gaseous meal, larger than an air biscuit.
Armbreaker: Particularly energetic wank.
Arse Spider: Tenacious well knotted winnit that cannot be removed without bringing 8 spindly hairs with it.
Audition the finger puppets: A single-act, one man show not suitable for children.
Autograph the gusset: To allow the turtles head to sign the inside of your underpants.
Bacon strips: External female genitalia.
Barnes Wallace: The type of turd that sends a splash of water onto your undercarriage after release from the bomb bay.
Beaded curtain: A luxuriant crop of clagnuts.
Beef box: A container into which sausages are put.
Benny Hill: Rhyming slang, female contraceptive.
Biffer: A particularly hairy minge.
Bilge tanks: "Double gut" effect caused by too tight a belt.
The blind dirt snake: A malodorous, legless lizard inhabiting cak canyon which migrates south every morning.
Brown Daisy: Unpleasantly scented flower which attracts flies rather thanbees.
Budgies tongue: Descriptive, the female erective bit!!
Bum Goblin:A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out behind you casting a painful spell on your ringpiece!
Burma: Acronym, "Be upstairs ready my angel" See POLO.
POLO: Acronym "Panties off, legs open!"
B.V.H: Abbr, "Blue veined hooligan" A six inch tall, one eyed skinhead.
Chugnuts: Extremely large piles.
Cider Visor: Beer goggles for the younger drinker.
Clapping fish: Female genitalia.
Cliterature: One handed reading material.
Cockoholic: One who is addicted to cockahol.
Conkers deep: To be in a state of deep penetration.
Cough your filthy yoghurt: Romantic expression for ejaculation.
Crunchie: A sock worn the morning after being used as a wank-mop.
Dingleberry roast:Lighted farts.
Disco fanny:The full strength flavour achieved after 6 hours on a dance floor in PVC trousers.
Ditch Pig: Affectionate term for an ugly fat girl.
Dizzy Gillespie: A formidable blast from the spunk trumpet where the ladies cheeks puff out like a bullfrog's.
Double basing: To have sex from behind while fiddling with the ladies left nipple with one hand and her budgies tongue with the other, a position similar to the one adopted for playing the double bass, though the sound is slightly different.
Drop fudge: Pinch a loaf, crimp one off, have a shit!
Drown some kittens: To drown a litter of small stools.
Eating sushi off a barber shop floor: Cunnulingus.
Face fannies: Sideburns.
Feeding the pony: One handed feeding of a lady's toothless gibbon.
Fertle, ferkyfoodle: To feed a lady's pony through her dung hampers.
Five pinter: A very ugly woman you would only chat-up after five pints.
Fizzy gravy: Rusty water, diahorrea.
FLAME: Abbr, Fanny like a mouses ear
Flat as a kippers dick:Descriptive of unleavened baps.
Free the tadpoles: To liberate the residents of ones wank tanks.
Fuckshitfuckshitsuckshit:The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
Fud Slush:Scottish fanny batter usually smeared on the face when eating a haddock pastie.
Funbagtastic: Exclm, may be uttered when seeing a large pair of breasts.
Geetle: The little pointed bit that hangs outside your rusty sheriffs badge after you've had a Gladys.
Gladys: Rhyming slang, To defecate, from Gladys Knight.
Granny's oysters: Elderly female genitalia.
Greyhound: Very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Hairy Scallops: Furry shellfish to be eaten when bearded clams are out of season.
Hand-to-gland combat: Vigorous three minute bout of gladiatorial combat involving a Spam javelin.
Hefty-clefty: Welly top, horses collar. Descriptive of a large vagina.
Kojaks moneybox: The German helmet.
Lord of the pies: Salad dodger, barge arse, Danny Baker.
Mexican lipstick: Embarrassing facial tide mark found after eating out.
Men in the rigging: Small tagnuts found in the hairs of sailors arses.
Ming the merciless: Death by chocolate starfish.
Monkey bath: A bath so hot when lowering yourself in you go Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!.
Mumrar: The act of creeping up on your mother and shouting Rar!
NORWICH: Acronym, Knickers off ready when I come home
Opera house: A large vagina, with heavy pink safety curtains.
Pie-Liner: A Femidom.
PIK: Acronym, Pig In Knickers.
Pumpers Lump: The condition of enhanced right arm muscle due to excessive wanking.
Quim Chin, Muff mouth: A bearded fellow.
Release the chocolate hostage: To liberate Richard the third.
Ripped out fireplace: A much swept out skin chimney.
Roy Castle's last blow: A pathetic whimpering fart.
Rubik's: Rhyming slang, gorilla salad.
Splinge: A particularly lubricated Kipper Mitten.
Starfish Trooper: An Arsestronaut..
Tit Pants: A Bra.
Tongue Punchbag, Small man in a boat: See Budgie's Tongue.
Two Bagger: Someone so ugly that two bags are required, one to cover their head and one to cover yours in case theirs falls off.
Up on the blocks: Monthly MOT failure due to recurring leak under the Beatle Bonnet.
UTBNB: Advisory abbr, Up the bum, No babies!
Walnut Whip: A minor operation that removes the cram but leaves the nuts intact.
Wet as an otters pocket: Descriptive as to the moistness of a ladies kipper mitten.
Wuffle nuts: The fruits of the dingleberry tree.
X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
Apparently this was voted the sickest joke of 1999. By whom i do not know but
it's pretty sick. Enjoy.
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day
and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says
"Mummy what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies
"Ummm they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two lions having
sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies
with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making
cakes in the lounge last night eh?" Shocked, the Mother says "how do you
know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".
For Her
08.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08.30 Weigh in at 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
08.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and fresh croissants.
Open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil.
10.00 Light work out at club with handsome and funny personal trainer.
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow-dry.
12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafi.
12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained 7 Kg.
13.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
15.00 Nap
16.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card from secret admirer.
16.15 Light work out at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who
says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror.
19.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing with compliments received from other diners.
22.00 Hot shower ( alone )
22.50 Carried to bed........( freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen ).
23.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
For Him
06.00 Alarm
06.15 Blow job
06.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.
07.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
07.30 Limo arrives
07.45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport
09.15 Flight in personal lear jet
09.30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club ( blow job en-route )
09.45 Play front nine ( 2 under )
11.45 Lunch: pie, chips and gravy; 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12.15 Blow job
12.30 Play back nine ( 4 under )
14.15 Limo back to airport ( several Chivas Regal's )
14.30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew ( all nude )
16.30 Catch world record Marlin (1234lbs ) on light tackle
17.00 Fly home, massage and hand job naked Elle McPherson
18.45 Shit, shower and shave
19.00 Watch news; Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised 19.30 Dinner;
lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon ( 1953 ), big juicy steak followed by ice cream served
on a big pair of tits
21.00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch International Match
of the Day; England beat Germany 5-0
21.30 Sex with 3 women ( all with lesbian tendencies )
23.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale
23.30 A night cap blow job
23.45 In bed alone and lights out
23.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt."
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man,
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh
day, resting.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds
"Look Michael, look what I've made." Said God
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,
"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East
over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over
there I've
placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of
black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very
cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small
land mass and said "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from
Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and
they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely
sociable,
hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the
world
as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in France."
Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the
jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them,"If you pass the tribal
test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the
same fruit."
So the three guys scampered into the woods, and Tom came back first with
10 apples. The Chief explained the trial to him: "You must shove the
fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be
eaten." The first apple was OK, but Tom winced in pain on the second
apple, and was promptly killed, eaten, and went to heaven (he was a good
explorer).
Dick came back with 10 berries, and the chief explained the trial to him
as well. Dick didn't think it should be too tough, and began.
1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6,
7,
8,
but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was immediately killed
and was eaten.
Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asked, "Dick, why did you laugh?
You almost got away with it!" With a smile Dick replied, "I couldn't help
it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples."
http://www.emode.com/emode/tests/celebrity_men.jsp
Phrases you wish you could say at work...
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!... Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
*************
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
*****************
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
******************
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative.
What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the game is up.
******************
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials.
Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
********************
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
*******************
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
****************
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant,
my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
******************
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything
that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
********************
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
*********************
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
*********************
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
***********************
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labour?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
******************
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
********************
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
*******************
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
***********************
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
*********************
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
***********************
Q. Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
***************************
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
*****************************
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
*****************************
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
*******************************
Q. How does one sanitise nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
******************************
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
******************************
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
***************************
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
*************************
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
***************************
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
**************************
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
***************************
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
****************************
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
WHY WOMEN SHOULD MARRY SOFTWARE ENGINEERS :
DOCTOR
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship
to last more than five years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from
his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick.
He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a
problem with your SOFTWARE ENGINEER husband. He had a hard enough time meeting
you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER
Do you seriously expect to have an honest, trusting relationship with
someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your
SOFTWARE ENGINEER spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie
convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is that when the
divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows,
etc. where he will be in the company of other equally untrustworthy
individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on
the Ricki Lake show. The company that your SOFTWARE ENGINEER husband works at
will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go
home to you.
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION
WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not killed in a serious accident, will likely be
crippled with a back injury, etc. at around the time you are reaching your
sexual peak. The only hazard that your SOFTWARE ENGINEER husband faces is losing
his eyesight from staring into a monitor for too long. This actually has
some benefits. For one, he will never notice that you are getting older
since you will be a blur; he will remember you as when he first met you
because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask, "Honey, were you
looking at her?" he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded
by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and
then you'll have to look for another man.
MINISTER
See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".
A hippie on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from him and at once finds himself very attracted to her. He
moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he asks her to dinner.
The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for "perhaps a roll in the hay". The nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop.
The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie, "You really want that nun, huh?"
After the hippie nods emphatically and demonstrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment.
"Well," he says, "Every Thursday at six PM she takes this bus to the local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there..."
The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan.
Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery. Sure enough, at six PM he sees the nun enter and he quietly follows her. She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer.
The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume---a long flowing white robe and a bearded face mask. He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun and catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her.
"My child" he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience."
The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind? At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin. My vow of celibacy is important to me."
The hippie, eager to get going nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out.
After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts... "HAHA, I'M THE HIPPIE!!!" to which the nun responds by taking off her mask and shouting... "HAHA, I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!"