There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day &I found a packet of cigarettes.
I was really shocked as I didn't evenknow she smoked".
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I can across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was reallyshocked as I didn't even know she drank".
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worryabout. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a
packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock".
The 25th Anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years
ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out,
and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was
fully
grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was
an
expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try
and
set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the
bird
yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and
more
rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in
the
freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then
suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was
frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer
door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and
said,
"I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I
will
endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and
beg
your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in
attitude
and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot
continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
The Ugly and Fat Birds Act (1999)
WHEREAS it is desired that all parties wish to define the legal and acceptable behaviour in respect of all Ugly and Fat Birds (hereinafter
defined) wheresoever located, THIS ACT, hereinafter referred to as the Act, demands the following as the law of the land:
Definition:
An Ugly and Fat Bird, also referred to as a Fat Bird or Ugly Bird interchangeably and all terms to infer the other, is defined as:
a) Any female who requires a male (the Bloke) to consume a minimum of eight pints of lager (or such other beverage as may be deemed
appropriate at the time and subject to the Court's discretion as to suitability in any subsequent investigation) and/or a shotgun to the head
before snogging becomes feasible.
b) Any female who solicits van and truck drivers to shout 'Boiler', whilst they simultaneously bang the side of the van/truck duringa drive past.
c) Any female who, when weighing herself on the 'Boots the Chemist' scales (or other such public scales as may be reasonable) receives the response 'No coach parties'.
d) Any female who is deemed Ugly and Fat by the boys (the Arbitration Committee) particularly after having refused to shag any of the Arbitration Committee, alone or in any combination, after a request made in a pub, inn, bar, night-club or any other establishment of ill repute,
especially on or after an all dayer (the Leo Sayer).
e) Any female who comes to a Bloke's mind when any or all of the jokes more properly detailed in Appendix I (the Jokes) are told.
f) Any female who is nicknamed Big Bertha or Ten Ton Tessie by her colleagues and/or friends behind her back.
Section 1: Clothing
a) It shall be a crime for a Fat Bird to be seen out in public wearing anything more revealing than a barrel.
b) The wearing of jeans without protective baggy jumper by Fat Birds is punishable by execution.
c) Fat Birds are forbidden to wear skirts or leggings in public.
d) Beachwear is limited to a large windbreak, to be placed in such a way that it conceals the Fat Bird.
Section 2: Relationships With Men
a) No Ugly or Fat Bird shall take advantage of a Bloke's drunken state. Being drunk is a Bloke's right. The offence carries a life sentence.
b) On the male part, drunkenness is no excuse. Should he succumb to a Fat or Ugly Bird, he will spend the rest of his days being ridiculed by his mates.
c) Should a snog take place, sexual intercourse may well follow. This is only acceptable in the eyes of the law if the Bloke says:
"Eeh, you're a big 'un' and laughs at her before, during and after the act of copulation and tells her one or both of the Jokes.
d) Under no circumstances shall a relationship beyond a "quick shag" develop. To do so will result in castration for the man and execution
for the Ugly Bird.
Section 3: Force Majeure
Ugly Blokes may plead before the Court that they have to take what comes along. This is no excuse as prostitution is easily accessible. Though this is illegal, it is far less embarrassing to be caught kerb-crawling than it is to be seen in the company of a Fat or Ugly Bird.
Section 4: Miscellaneous Provisions
a) A Bloke is well within the law to shout abuse at Ugly or Fat Birds he may see in the street.
b) Public houses, night-clubs and bars will introduce a Fat and Ugly section where these kind of women may socialise amongst one another, thereby avoiding them spoiling a good night out for Blokes.
Section 5: Relationships Between Fat and Ugly Birds
a) If two Fat and Ugly Birds desire to commence sexual relationships with each other they will be referred to as Muff Munchers, Juice Jugglers, "Clam Slammers" or Gusset Typists (or such other amusing Bloke-developed terms as may be applicable and trendy at the time) in the usual custom and manner. This is perfectly acceptable as it leaves more fit and rampant totty for the Blokes to shag.
b) The aforementioned Clit Lickers must not, under any circumstances, be seen to engage in any overt sexual behaviour in public on pain
of everyone else being sick.
Section 6: Comfort Eating and Related Issues
a) The Fat Bird will eat copious amounts of food, including, but not limited to, sandwiches, pizza, McDonalds, Mars Bars and other confectionery, chips, battered sausage, kebabs and crisps at the slightest encouragement. Examples of such situations include, but are definitely not limited to, death of a pet, someone talking to them in a funny way (whatever that means), hard day at the office, no friends to go out with, breakfast, mid morning snack, lunchtime, mid afternoon snack, dinner and supper.
b) The Fat Bird will always say 'It's my glands' when attempting to justify extreme obesity and unattractiveness to her colleagues and friends.
c) The Fat Bird will bleat on and on about needing to go on a diet, hoping for a reassuring 'Oh come on, you really don't need to' from a Bloke whereas a Bloke will always be thinking 'Too f*cking right, love!'
The Act is to take effect immediately but has been common law for f*cking ages.
Two women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the pair
teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of
men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he
immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
rolled around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately
began to apologise.
?Please,? she said, ?allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd just allow me.?
?I'll be all right...? squealed the man, still in agony, ?honestly, I'll be fine
in a few minutes.?
But the woman persisted and as the man lay breathless in the foetal position,
his hands still clasped in his crotch, he relented and finally permitted the
lady to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his trousers and put her hands inside his pants. She began to massage him. She
then asked him, ?How does that feel??
?It feels absolutely great,? replied the man, ?but my thumb?s still killing me!?
How was the diameter of the Space Shuttle's solid rocket boosters picked?
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who
designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the
SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The
railroad from the factory runs a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to
fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track.
The US Standard Railroad gauge (the distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8
inches. That's a exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they build them in England, and English expatriates
built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first railway lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that is the gauge they used. Why did they use
that gauge in England, then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that
they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did
their wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
Because, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagon wheels would break
on some of the old, long distance roads. Why?
Because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old
rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the
benefit of their legions. The Roman roads have been used ever since. And the
ruts? The original ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their wagons, were made by the wheels of Roman war chariots.
Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in
the mater of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer. The United States Standard railroad gauge of 4
feet, 8 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial
Roman army war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass
came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war
chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two
war-horses.
So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced
transportation system was originally determined by the width of a horse's
ass.
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their
world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of
their own.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach
bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the
game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat
them now.
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn
Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a
Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their
dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it
as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forceably removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the
other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest
of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will
alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the
tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the
side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in red penis substituting cars, sexually harass the
female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim
that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl
up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to
the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed
in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the
UK Government).
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition
are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let
sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV
contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with
them in Sheperds Bush before beating up all the women on the
touchline.
One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a
pond . He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the
pond
there was a little cocktail sausage . The cat was feeling quite peckish
so
as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and
hooked
the sausage out and ate it . The next day the cat was walking through
the
park again and he peered into the pond again there was another sausage
but
this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but this time
he
had to put his whole arm into the pond . The cat hooked the sausage out
and ate it. The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an
enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond - it looked so
delicious but it was so deep that he had to actually put the whole of
his
body into the pond to reach the sausage - he found it very tasty. The
moral of the story is - the bigger the sausage - the wetter the pussy
Two Essex girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the
perfume
counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and
smells it.
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace"
"Yeah what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the fuck does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is
French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying
"That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to
you?".................................
Subject: Stumpy and Martha
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane
ride
costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
"Martha,
I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never
get
another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and
ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take
you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and
not
say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten
dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not
a
word is heard.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I
could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out,
but
ten dollars is ten dollars."
At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, theydecided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there.
They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday
morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they only just arrived now! The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,and told them to begin.
The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters
to The Sunday Times.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dove. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I
am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own
bath-size Dove so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your
way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dove was. I
put the Dove in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't
remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to
when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of
further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that
you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints
please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
only asked Mr.Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dove is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room
including my own bath-size Dove. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies
for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dove. Do you realize I
have
54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dove.
Please give me back my bath-size Dove.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the
3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I
had
returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dove. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under medicine cabinet: 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser: 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 + 1 stack of
3.
* On the bedroom dresser: 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of
4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet: 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
of 2.
* In the shower soap dish: 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
* On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dove which I
am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's:
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of 3.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you
to ask "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply
"Yeah, give me five minutes".
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from the
other side of the world, but you haven't spoken to your
next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is
that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider Royal Mail painfully slow or call it "snail
mail".
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored
post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in
person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still
answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally
insert a "9" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked
for three different companies.
14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your being laid off on the 9 o'clock
news.
18 Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you
lose all your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your
job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third
World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in
the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until
you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant
knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when
told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it
must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-
the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time
to go for lunch while yours powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in
hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent
staff your department is short of, but they can afford four
full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss
on strategy.
31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few
minutes... Could you fit this in...? ...in your spare time
...when you're freed up.... I know you're busy but... I have
an opportunity for you
32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round
because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your
leaving' collection
35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works
with computers".
36. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
37. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to
your "friends you send jokes to" e- mail group.
The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered by
[name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,
but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide
you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this
helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex
was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to
track down the father can you send me his phone number ? Thanks
I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by
my country please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green jacket.
[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs
earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather
than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained
unfertilised.
Nike Condoms : - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms : - The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today?
KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.
M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Bernard Matthews Condoms : - Beautiful
Safeway Condoms : - Lightening the Load
Abbey National Condoms : - Because life's complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.
Ever Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....
ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger
Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.
Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper.
Goodyear condoms : "For a longer ride go wide"
The Painter!
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a
contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she
points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room,
I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.
Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into
the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white,
not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out
his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans
out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but
still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She
says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.
Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side
up"! This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every
time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the
window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying
grass across the street."
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say "I'm Stupid." That
way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see
your sign."
It's like before my wife & I moved from Texas to California. Our house
was full of boxes & there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My
friend comes over & says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our
stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's
your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled
his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass & this
idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked
'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test
it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, & you tell us if
it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I
don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my
truck, looks at me, & I swear he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't
resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around & those other three just
swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house & drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out of the car, reaches down & grabs the exhaust pipe,
then goes, "Wow, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I
could have stopped him.
Lifes Tools
^^^^^^^^^^^
1. Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the
oven serviced.
2. Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
3. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
4. Gardening: Avoid being stung by nettles in the garden this year by
smearing their leaves with Immac cream.
5. Save money, at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender,
with the simple inscription "Same to you".
6. Why pay 100 pounds for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for 25
pounds and fill it with all your shite. Then sit back and wait for the
authorities to tow it away.
7. Hungry at breakfast? Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade
instead of honey.
8. GENTLEMEN. Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open your
flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink
it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if they remain the same
size it is the same temperature outside as it is in the house.
9. Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an
underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential emergency plug chain
repairs.
10. MICRA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a fucking dodgem car, so
it may as well look like one.
11. Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then
lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke
signals' across the bedroom.
12. Late for work? A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
13. ANGLERS. Pond or lake dried up? Pop down the local woods, attach a
helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under
a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an
ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree
at the end of the day
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided
to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started
canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the
owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
'"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you
charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man
agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that
she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the
conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way round the
house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing
on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to
collect her money.
You're finished already?" he asked.
Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left
over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the
$50.
And by the way," the blonde added, that's not a
Porch,
it's a Ferrari."
You are probably all familiar with Darwin Award nominees. This one is horrible, but strangely fascinating.
Warning - on no account should you read this while eating!!!!!
A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city of Tucson.
They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city lights.
Overcome by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love. The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the path of least resistance --- straight down! Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain.
The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her, which of course, he couldn't!
A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out.
Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the
dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was little he could do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also
tasted the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on.
Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was
parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about 20-feet.
Doctors managed to "successfully" separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state.
The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was unable---and unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student's family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass," are irreparable.
Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed himself from the gene pool.
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar
getting really wasted. They are both really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies,
"My husband left me because he said I was too kinky
in bed."
"What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me.
She said I was too kinky in bed too."
So they start talking and they find that they have much
in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment
and have kinky sex.
When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she
needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more
comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight,
black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-
on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries
into the kitchen and comes out with Tabasco sauce, whipped
cream, and a rolling pin.
Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat
and is walking towards the door.
"What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted
to get kinky?"
He turns around and says, "I just f***ed your dog and
shit in your purse, that's me done"