The following was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas

 website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The

 company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and made the web

 department take it down immediately:

 Registration Card

 Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order

 to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out

 the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is

 not required, but the information will help us to develop new products

 that best meet your needs and desires.

 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_]

 Classified [_] Presidente [_] Other

 First Name: .....................................................

 Initial: ........

 Last Name: ......................................................

 Password: .............................. (max 8 char)

 Code Name: ......................................................

 Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........

 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

 [_] F-14 Tomcat

 [_] F-15 Eagle

 [_] F-16 Falcon

 [_] F-117A Stealth

 [_] Classified

 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /......

 4. Serial Number: ................................................

 5. Please check where this product was purchased:

 [_] Received as gift / aid package

 [_] Catalog showroom

 [_] Independent arms broker

 [_] Mail order

 [_] Discount store

 [_] Government surplus

 [_] Classified

 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product

 you have just purchased:

 [_] Heard loud noise, looked up

 [_] Store display

 [_] Espionage

 [_] Recommended by friend / relative / all

 [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

 [_] Was attacked by one

 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision

 to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

 [_] Style / appearance

 [_] Speed / maneuverability

 [_] Price / value

 [_] Comfort / convenience

 [_] Kickback / bribe

 [_] Recommended by salesperson

 [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation

 [_] Advanced Weapons Systems

 [_] Backroom politics

 [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

 [_] North America

 [_] Iraq

 [_] Central / South America

 [_] Iraq

 [_] Aircraft carrier

 [_] Iraq

 [_] Europe

 [_] Iraq

 [_] Middle East (not Iraq)

 [_] Iraq

 [_] Africa

 [_] Iraq

 [_] Asia / Far East

 [_] Iraq

 [_] Misc. Third World countries

 [_] Iraq

 [_] Classified

 [_] Iraq

 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to

 purchase in the near future:

 [_] Color TV

 [_] VCR

 [_] ICBM

 [_] Killer Satellite

 [_] CD Player

 [_] Air-to-Air Missiles

 [_] Space Shuttle

 [_] Home Computer

 [_] Nuclear Weapon

 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all

 that apply:)

 [_] Communist / Socialist

 [_] Terrorist

 [_] Crazed

 [_] Neutral

 [_] Democratic

 [_] Dictatorship

 [_] Corrupt

 [_] Primitive / Tribal

 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

 [_] Deficit spending

 [_] Cash

 [_] Suitcases of cocaine

 [_] Oil revenues

 [_] Personal check

 [_] Credit card

 [_] Ransom money

 [_] Traveler's check

 12. Your occupation:

 [_] Homemaker

 [_] Sales / marketing

 [_] Revolutionary

 [_] Clerical

 [_] Mercenary

 [_] Tyrant

 [_] Middle management

 [_] Eccentric billionaire

 [_] Defense Minister / General

 [_] Retired

 [_] Student

 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the

 interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy

 participating on a regular basis:

 [_] Golf

 [_] Boating / sailing

 [_] Sabotage

 [_] Running / jogging

 [_] Propaganda / misinformation

 [_] Destabilization / overthrow

 [_] Default on loans

 [_] Gardening

 [_] Crafts

 [_] Black market / smuggling

 [_] Collectibles / collections

 [_] Watching sports on TV

 [_] Wines

 [_] Interrogation / torture

 [_] Household pets

 [_] Crushing rebellions

 [_] Espionage / reconnaissance

 [_] Fashion clothing

 [_] Border disputes

 [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

 Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your

 answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas

 serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive

 mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist

 groups,and mysterious consortia.

 As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win

 a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

 Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

 McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION

 Marketing Department

 Military Aerospace Division

 P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

 When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate,

 how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll

 cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart" "Ah

 tat'd be grand" says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks

 later when

 Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed

 the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with only one ear

 each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Well Paddy" said

 Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig.

 Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear" "Ah tat'd

 be grand" says Paddy. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks

 later when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your

 fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two

 fookin pigs

 with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah

 tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do I'll cut

 ta tail offa my

 fookin pig.Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only

 one fookin tail. "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Another couple of weeks

 went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

 "PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED

 THE FOOKIN TAIL OFF A MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS

 WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS !!!!!!!!!!!

 HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 "Ah fook it" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have

 the white one."

 (3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

 (7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

 (8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

 (9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

 (10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

 (11) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

 (14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

 (15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

 (16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

 (17) "He's been working with glue too much."

 (18) "He would argue with a signpost."

 (19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

 (20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

 (21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

 (22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

 (23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

 (24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

 (25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

 (28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

 (29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

 (30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans"

 (31) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

 (32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

 (33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

 (34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

 (35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

 ORAL SEX

 Penis breath, alover's dread

 Is what you get when you give head

 unpleasant as it tends to be,

 Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

 It's times like this you wonder why

 You bothered reaching for his fly.

 But its too late, can't be a tease

 Accept the facts, get on your knees.

 You know you've got a job to do

 So open wide and shove it through

 Lick the tip then take it all

 Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

 Slide up and down, use your tongue

 And feel the precum start to run

 Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb

 So when the fucks he gonna cum.

 Just when you can't take anymore

 You hear you lover's mighty roar

 And when he hits that real high note

 You fell it oozing down your throat.

 Salty, fishy, sticky stuff

 Okay already, thats enough.

 Let's switch you say, before you gag

 And what revenge, you're on the rag!!!!!

 One day while walking down the street a highly successful software

 engineer was tragically hit by a bus and died. His soul arrived up in

 heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

 "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,

 it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once

 had a software engineer make it this far and we're not really sure what

 to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in." said the man.

 "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is

 let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose

 whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

 "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven",

 said the man.

 "Sorry, we have rules..."

 And with that St. Peter put the software engineer in an elevator and it

 went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself

 stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the

 distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his

 friends - fellow software engineers that he had worked with and they

 were all dressed in fine clothes and cheering for him. They ran up and

 shook hands and they talked about old times. They played an excellent

 round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an

 excellent steak and lobster dinner.

 He met the Devil who was actually a really beautiful woman and he had a

 great time telling jokes and dancing. He was having such a good time

 that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand

 and waved good-bye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went

 up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter

 waiting for him.

 "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So he spent the next

 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He

 had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St.

 Peter came and got him "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent

 a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

 The software engineer paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I

 never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and

 all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

 So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again he went

 down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened he

 found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and

 filth. He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the

 garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to him and put her

 arm around him.

 "I don't understand," stammered the man, "yesterday I was here and

 there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we

 danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage

 and all my friends look miserable."

 The Devil looked at him and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,

 today you're staff."

 Found in Island Times, this is a transcript of an actual radio

 conversation which took place between a US Navy Ship and Canadian

 authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

 US Ship: "Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a

 collision."

 Canadian: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to

 avoid collision."

 US Ship: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert

 your course."

 Canadian: "No. I say again divert your course."

 US Ship: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri. We are a large

 warship of the US Navy. Divert your course now."

 Canadian: "This is a light-house. Your call."

 Below is a quiz written by Einstein last century. Probably translated

 and updated since then but the logic is the same.

 He said that 98% of the people in the world cannot solve the quiz.

 Are you among the other 2% ?

 Facts:

 1: There are 5 houses in 5 different colours

 2: In each house lives a person with a different nationality.

 3: These 5 owners drink a certain beverage, smoke a certain brand of

 cigar and keep a certain pet.

 4: No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar or drink

 the same drink.

 Further Details:

 1: The Brit lives in a red house.

 2: The Swede keeps dogs as pets.

 3: The Dane drinks tea.

 4: The green house is on the immediate left of the white house.

 5: The green house owner drinks coffee.

 6: The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.

 7: The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.

 8: The man living in the house right in the centre drinks milk.

 9: The Norwegian lives in the first house.

 10: The man who smokes Blend lives next to the one who keeps cats.

 11: The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.

 12: The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.

 13: The German smokes Prince.

 14: The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.

 15: The man who smokes Blend has a neighbour who drinks water.

 The question is ... WHO KEEPS FISH?

 (You may assume that one of the owners DOES keep ONLY fish!)

 A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says,

 "Who is this?"

 "This is the maid," answered the woman.

 "We don't have a maid!"

 "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

 "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

 "Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just figured

 was her husband."

 Now the guy is angry. He says to the maid,

 "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

 "What do I have to do?"

 "I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch

 and the jerk she's with."

 The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a

 couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.

 "What should I do with the bodies?"

 "Throw them in the swimming pool!"

 "What pool?"

 "Uh... is this 832-4821?"

 ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES

 It has been determined that there is no longer any need for network

 or software applications support.

 (See below)

 The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.

 Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

 1. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

 2. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

 Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

 Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I create a New Document window?

 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

 A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

 A: Don't shake it.

Programming Languages with Chickens(new)

Straight from the department of General Humor

The "Programming Languages with Chickens" list has been circulating on

the Net for quite some time. This is an updated version which takes

into account the new languages that have come along and the old ones

that no one uses anymore.

APL: The chicken crosses the road, but nobody else can figure out how

you made the chicken do it.

Assembler: First the chicken builds the road, then it attempts to

cross. This method allows the chicken to cross extremely quickly, but

requires enormous amounts of chicken-wrangler time and is not used

much these days.

BASIC: The chicken crosses the road very slowly, and often trips over

the yellow lines. However, it's easy to make the chicken start

crossing the road. . .

C: The chicken crosses the road without looking both ways. It often

squawks "Segmentation Fault!" and stops moving while it's only halfway

across.

C++: The chicken doesn't have to cross the road; you merely refer to

him on the other side. Of course, you have to remember which of your

chickens are real and which ones are virtual, because they look so

much alike.

COBOL: The chicken can't cross the road, because it's dead.

Forth: road chicken cross

FORTRAN: See COBOL.

HTML: Allows construction of many chickens, from basic to extremely

complex. The most complex have a lot of pretty colors they display

while crossing the road, but unless the road is a T1 line or something

similar, they cross very slowly.

Java (applet): If you need a chicken to cross the road, the server

will download one to the other side. Of course, these are "chicklets,"

and lack the full chicken functionality, being unable to peck,

scratch, or lay eggs because of "security restrictions."

Java (application): The chicken crosses the road, but it moves so

slowly you go out and buy a turkey instead.

Javascript: The chicken crosses the road, but you need two chickens,

one to cross Internet Exploder roads and another to cross Netscape

roads.

Lisp: The chicken tries to cross the road, but trips over all the

parentheses.

Microsoft Office Macros: Lets chickens cross roads, sort of. Also may

cause all your other Office chickens to get confused and be run over,

if you let a hostile "virus" chicken into the henhouse.

Microsoft Visual C++: You see pretty colors while the chicken crosses

the road, but the chicken is enormous and refuses to run at all on

roads less than 32 megs wide.

Pascal: The chicken starts to cross the road, but gets run over by the

C or C++ chickens before getting halfway across.

Perl: The chicken uses a Swiss Army Chainsaw to dig a tunnel under the

road.

Python: As Perl, but the chicken rents a backhoe to dig the tunnel.

SQL: Allows many chickens to cross many roads in many places, but you

need a full-time chicken wrangler to keep everything straight.

Visual Basic: Makes you think a chicken is crossing the road.

COM Threading models (and concurrency management in general) is like the

movie "Dawn of the Dead" - every time you think it has gone away it

resurfaces to eat the brains of the living.

These are all taken from police records in the USA (true stories) that are fully documented.

Two friends moved to New York, and because rent was so high, they shared a studio apartment.

One of the girls was a real party girl and the other apparently a stay-at-home type.

One Friday evening the party girl headed out for a night on the town, and asked her flatmate to come along.

The girl declined and said she was going to read and then go to bed early.

The party girl had been out at the local bar for a few hours when she remembered she had forgotten something.

By this time, pretty plastered, she stumbled back to the apartment and quietly let herself in. Not wanting to wake her

flatmate, she didn't turn the light on, picked up whatever it was she went back for and returned to the bar.

When she got home the next morning, she opened the door to this: Her flatmate's head had been cut off and was

lying on the floor. Scrawled in her blood on the walls were the words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?"

***********

On a Sunday evening, a young woman drove herself to a meeting she had up north the next day, when she noticed

that she was running low on gas and didn't know where the next gas station was. Just as she thought she would have

to pull over and sleep the night on the side of the road, she came across a rather dodgy-looking petrol station.

When she pulled in, the attendant made his way round the car and seemed to be very distracted when she asked him

to fill it up.She even thought that the man was making faces at her! He finally agreed to get the gas, but then asked her

to pop open the hood of the car because there seemed to be a problem." Naturally, the woman became a little anxious

she was all alone in a remote gas station, out in the middle of nowhere and it was obvious that the attendant was trying to find

reasons to keep her there.

He asked her to come look at the engine, because he had to show her something". Not wanting to seem hysterical and paranoid,

she did as he asked. As she rounded the front of the car he grabbed her arm and said that her car needed to be towed to the nearest

town and she would have to come into the office to complete the paperwork. He then put his hand over her mouth and forced

her into the office. She began to bite his hand once they were inside and he let her go. He explained to her that there was a man crouched

down in the backseat of her car and the attendant didn't want him to know that he'd been seen. They called the police who came to arrest the man who, it was later discovered, was a known serial killer.

********

Berlin - Just after W.W.II. A young woman made the following report to the police.

She had met a blind man at a rally. She claims that they hit it off pretty well and the blind man asked her for a favour;

could she possibly deliver the letter to the address on the envelope?

As it was on her way home, she agreed.

She started out to deliver the letter, but then turned around to ask the man a question.

To her dismay, she spotted him hurrying through the crowd in the opposite direction - without his dark glasses or white cane.

Sensing something seriously dodgy, she went straight to the police, who raided the address on the envelope, where they

found heaps of human flesh for sale.

What was in the envelope? A note which said "This is the last one I am sending you today."

Blowjob etiquette for men as stated by a woman:

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch tv, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we'regood at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette,drink, etc...

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to eithersympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

HE SAID: Man's reply to Woman's BJ Etiquette...

1) First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. if you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

2) Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish

3) You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4) I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5) If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any.

6) Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterward.

7) When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.

8) Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

9) At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth

10) Play with the balls

11) No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

12) Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

13) Caress the ass, too, we like that.

14) Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action,gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

15) If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they

are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny

goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love

and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies. "In Susie's

room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"O'kay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll

need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week

and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should

do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much

thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with

something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second,Mr.Smith says,

"Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.

I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you

should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay, I'll just keep

fucking her up the arse for now..."

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking

for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

Here are some of the submittals...

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building

using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday

and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in

Redmond, Washington.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will

encounter.

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should

be used only for company business.

(Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more

important interfere with it.

(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one

will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on

it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know

when it's time to tell them.

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that

only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and

she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.

(CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'

say."

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was

scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I

would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked

if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better

for me."

(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not

going to discuss it with the employees."

(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is

to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject

mentioned above."

(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him

concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be

soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited

until tomorrow to ask for it!"

(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

13. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was

asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and

materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the

"pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day

after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into

the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president

wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told

that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her

company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo with her demand that

I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager

was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary,

and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to

worry, he would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire

staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in

the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month

later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my

resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

(Taco Bell Corporation)

14. I am not making this up. This gem is the closing paragraph of a

nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company.

"(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention

on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on

innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of

quality!" (Lucent Technologies)