I knew there was a reason behind my drinking habit!

 A herd of buffalo moves only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the

 herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest members (who travel at the back of

 the herd) are killed first. This natural selection is actually good for

 the herd as a whole, because the speed and health of the whole group

 improves as a result of the regular culling of the weakest members.

 In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the

 slowest brain cells. As we all know, excessive intake of alcohol kills

 brain cells; however, following the laws of nature, the weakest

 and slowest cells are killed first. In this manner, regular consumption of

 beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, thus causing the brain to operate

 as a faster and more efficient machine. That is why you always feel

 smarter after having a few beers.

 An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their

 wives went along as caddies.

 While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot

 in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt

 was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The

 Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of

 undress.

 "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that

 have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman

 thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to

 Mark's and

 Spencer's and get some knickers."

 Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a

 molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her

 skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any

 knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a

 reason for her lack of undergarments.

 "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot

 afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand

 into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and

 get some knickers."

 Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an

 exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head

 revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate

 husband was the same as the

 others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his

 pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a

 bit.

 The Smiths had no children and decided to use proxy father to start

 their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith

 kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

 Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

 rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You

 don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been

 expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked.

 "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband

 and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start ?"

 asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

 "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

 couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor

 is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No

 wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well madam, none of us can

 guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions

 and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the

 results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

 "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in

 and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

 "Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his

 briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done

 on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith

 exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out

 exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work

 with." The photographer handed Mrs.Smith the picture. "She was difficult?"

 asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde

 Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five

 deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Smith,

 eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more

 than three hours too.

 The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly

 concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.

 Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just

 packed it all in." Mrs Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually

 chewed on your, eh.....equipment ?". "That's right. Well madam, if you're

 ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod ??", Mrs

 Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest

 my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for

 action, it stops the tip quivering. Madam ? Madam?.....

 Good Lord, she's fainted !!" From:

 MI5 (the British Secret Service) is considering three men to be hired.

 They

 bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first

 man comes

 in and sits down.

 "Do you love your wife?"

 "Yes I do,

 Sir."

 "Do you love your country?"

 "Yes I do, Sir."

 "What do you love

 more, your wife or your country?"

 "My country, Sir."

 "Okay. We

 brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and

 kill

 her."

 The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5

 minutes. He comes

 back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He

 puts down the gun and

 leaves.

 The second guy comes in and sits down.

 The interviewer asks him the same

 questions, and the responses are the

 same. The interviewer gives him a gun,

 and tells him to go kill his

 wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I

 can't do it..."

 The third

 guy comes in, same scenario. The interviewer gives him a gun, and

 tells

 him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM!

 BLAM!

 BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is following by a bunch of crashing

 sounds that

 end after a few minutes.

 The guy comes out of the room

 with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the

 table. The interviewer

 looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"

 "The gun you gave me was

 filled with blanks so I had to strangle the bitch!"

 Jack's wife, Mary, is very beautiful. She keeps herself in very good

 shape

 and looks like a model. One day Joe, Jack's friend, comes over to

 their

 house when Jack isn't home and while talking to Mary offers to

 give her #200

 if she will show him her left breast.

 Mary is taken

 aback by the offer but after thinking about it decides to call

 his

 bluff and exposes her left breast to him. Jack smiles and gives her

 the

 #200 and offers another #200 to see her right breast.

 Amazed at

 the money in her hand she flashes him her right breast and he

 hands her

 another #200. Mary laughs a little and says "Joe, you're mad.

 What's

 going on here?"

 "You're so beautiful." he replies, "Jack is such a

 lucky man." at which time

 he offers to pay her a final #200 if she will

 show him both her breasts. In

 disbelief she agrees but insists he must

 leave after giving her the money

 which is exactly what happens.

 About

 an hour later Jack comes home from work.

 "Did Joe visit today?", he

 asks.

 Mary slightly apprehensive answers 'Yes, yes he did."

 "Good,"

 Jack replies, "did he give you the #600 he owes me?"

 A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees

 Claudia

 Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little

 odd, as he

 doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with

 her.

 He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He

 gets

 to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large

 suitcase. He

 takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the

 table and opens it to

 find $1 Million.

 This is just a little too much

 for the guy who thinks he is losing his

 mind.

 He wonders if he is

 hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws

 back the blind.

 Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and

 dangling

 from the

 tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning

 him

 and

 shouting.

 Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws

 the blind and turns

 around.

 In the corner of his kitchen is a

 leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.

 He asks the leprechaun what is

 going on.

 "Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as

 well, and as I

 was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran

 across the road and

 pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes

 in return for saving

 me."

 "Well, I can guess the first one" says the

 guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah

 I got that one. What about the other

 two?"

 "The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a

 cool

 million."

 "And them out there?" asks the guy,

 "You said you

 wanted to be hung like a blackman."

 ont lawn is the Klu Klux Klan

 THIS IS SLIGHTLY AMUSING PREHAPS A LITTLE

 TWISTED/STRANGE....ENJOY!!

 RELATIONSHIPS:

 1. If you are male, read and

 learn.

 2. If you are female, send to your male friends with

 instructions to

 read and learn.

 When a relationship ends, a woman will

 cry and pour her heart out to

 her girlfriends, and she will write a

 poem titled "All Men Are

 Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.

 A man has a little more

 trouble letting go. Six months after the

 break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a

 Saturday morning, he will call and say, "I

 just wanted

 to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive

 you, and I

 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know

 that

 there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You

 I

 Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at

 least

 once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men

 get

 over this need.

 SEX:

 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men

 prefer 30-40 seconds of

 foreplay. Men consider driving back to her

 place as part of the

 foreplay.

 MATURITY:

 Women mature much faster than

 men. Most 17-year old females can

 function as adults. Most 17-year old

 males are still trading baseball

 cards and giving each other wedgies

 after gym class.This is why high

 school romances rarely work

 out.

 MAGAZINES:

 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

 Women's

 magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because

 the

 female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is

 lumpy

 and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are

 turned

 on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men,

 however,

 elicit laughter from women.

 BATHROOMS:

 A man has six items in

 his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving

 cream, a razor, a bar of

 soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The

 average number of items in

 the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man

 would not be able to

 identify most of these items.

 GROCERIES:

 A woman makes a list of

 things she needs and then goes out to the

 store and buys these things.

 A man waits till the only items left in

 his fridge are half a lime and

 a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping.

 He buys everything that looks

 good. By the time a man reaches the

 checkout counter, his cart is

 packed tighter than the Clampett's car

 on Beverly Hillbillies. Of

 course, this will not stop him from going

 to the 10-items-or-less

 lane.

 CATS:

 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women

 aren't

 looking, men kick cats.

 OFFSPRING:

 Ah, children. A woman knows

 all about her children. She knows about

 dentist appointments and soccer

 games and romances and best friends

 and favorite foods and secret fears

 and hopes and dreams. A man is

 vaguely aware of some short people

 living in the house.

 DRESSING UP:

 A woman will dress up to: go

 shopping, water the plants, empty the

 garbage, answer the phone, read a

 book, get the mail. A man will dress

 up for: weddings,

 funerals.

 LAUNDRY:

 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will

 wear every article

 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants

 that were hip about

 eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.

 When he is finally out

 of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt

 inside out, rent a U-Haul,

 and take his mountain of clothes to the

 Laundromat. Men always expect

 to meet beautiful women at the

 Laundromat.

 This is is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American

 sitcoms.

 EATING OUT:

 When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack

 will each throw in $20

 bills, even though the total is only $22.50.

 None of them will have

 anything smaller, and none will actually admit

 they want change back.

 When the girls get their check, out come the

 pocket calculators.

 MENOPAUSE:

 When a woman reaches menopause, she

 goes through a variety of

 complicated emotional, psychological, and

 biological changes. The

 nature and degree of these changes varies with

 the individual.

 Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys

 aviator

 glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and

 goes

 shopping for a Porsche.

 RICHARD GERE:

 Women like Richard Gere

 because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men

 hate Richard Gere because he

 reminds them of that slick guy who works

 at the health club and dates

 only married women.

 MADONNA:

 Same as above, but

 reversed.

 TOYS:

 Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they

 reach the age of

 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of

 their obsession

 with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become

 more expensive

 and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys:

 little miniature

 TVs, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders,

 graphic equalizers,

 small robots that serve cocktails on command, video

 games,

 and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least 6 "D"

 batteries

 to operate.

 LOCKER ROOMS:

 In the locker room men talk about

 three things: money, football, and

 women. They exaggerate about money,

 they don't know football nearly as

 well as they think they do, and they

 fabricate stories about women.

 Women talk about one thing in the

 locker: sex. And not in abstract

 terms, either. They are extremely

 graphic and

 technical, and they never lie.

 MOVIES:

 Every actress in

 the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.

 This is because every

 movie in the history of movies has been produced

 by a man. Men will

 only show their asses because ass size doesn't

 really

 matter.

 JEWELRY:

 Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get

 away with

 wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he

 will look

 like a lounge singer.

 TIME:

 When a woman says she'll be

 ready to go out in five more minutes,

 she's using the same meaning of

 time as when a man says the football

 game just has five minutes left.

 Neither of them is counting time

 outs, commercials, or

 replays.

 FRIENDS:

 Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men

 on a boy's night

 out say about twenty words all night, most of which

 are "Pass the

 Doritos" or "Got anymore beer?"

 RESTROOMS:

 Men use

 restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms

 as social

 lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to

 each

 other.

 Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling

 together like

 old friends. And never in the history of the world has a

 man excused

 himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was

 just about

 to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

 A young man had been seriously dating three lovely girls and was

 finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave

 each of them one thousand dollars.

 The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes,

 and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to

 be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

 The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new

 stereo VCR and a month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these

 things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

 The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly

 doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to

 multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have

 taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future

 together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

 The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. And

 after giving long and careful consideration, he decided to marry the

 one with the biggest tits.

 The following are laws from around the world which, though a bit

 unusual, aren't really that surprising.... :

 In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the

 animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is

 punishable by death.

 In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,

 but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination.

 He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

 Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This

 also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must

 be covered at all times.

 The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

 There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the

 countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for

 the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under

 Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

 (Now let's just think for a minute Is there any job anywhere

 else in the world that even comes close to this?)

 In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her

 adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The

 husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner

 desired.)

 In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,

 and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to

 witness the act.

 In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a

 woman and her daughter at the same time. (...presume

 this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

 In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines

 with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending

 machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for

 consumption on the premises."

 TRUE STORY...........

 This woman went through the drive thru of Burger King for lunch a

 couple of years ago. She ordered a chicken sandwich (the breaded

 kind...before spicy chicken or grilled chicken became big sellers for

 BK) and specifically requested NO MAYO because she couldn't stand the

 stuff. She drove away without confirming that she got what she

 ordered. As she drove, she began to eat the sandwich and realized that

 there was mayo on it. She was none too pleased but was so hungry that

 she ate it anyway. When she got about halfway through the sandwich,

 she began to feel very ill. She stopped eating the sandwich but felt

 increasingly worse as she continued to drive. She felt so bad that she

 drove herself to the hospital emergency room. She took her sandwich

 with her since she started feeling bad after eating the sandwich.

 The hospital performed tests on both her and the sandwich and found out

 the following...the sandwich actually didn't have any mayo on it. In

 reality, the chicken had a tumor on its breast. When the chicken was

 breaded and fried, the tumor burst inside the breaded chicken breast.

 The mayo-like substance was actually puss from the tumor. Kind of makes

 you want to swear off fast food and mayo, doesn't it!

 ANOTHER TRUE STORY.......

 This girl was really in a hurry one day so she just stopped off at a

 Taco Bell and got a Chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home.

 That night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen. The

 next day it was a little worse so she went to her doctor. He said she

 was just having an allergic reaction to something and gave her some

 cream to rub on her jaw to help. After a couple of days the swelling

 had just gotten worse and she could hardly move her jaw. She went

 back to her doctor to see what was wrong. Her doctor had no idea so

 he started to run some tests. They scrubbed out the inside of her

 mouth to get tissue samples and they also took some saliva samples.

 Well, they found out what was wrong. Apparently her chicken soft taco

 had a pregnant cockroach in the one she ate!!!! The eggs then

 somehow got into her saliva glands and she was incubating them. They

 had to remove a couple layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs

 out. If they hadn't figured out what was going on, the eggs would

 have hatched inside the lining of her mouth!!!!!!!!!!

 At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer

 industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with

 technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving

 twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

 In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release

 stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like

 Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following

 characteristics:

 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to

 buy a new car.

 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and

 you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would

 cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case

 you

 would have to reinstall the engine.

 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought

 "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,

 five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on

 five per cent of the roads.

 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be

 replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you

 out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door

 handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of

 Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they

 neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option

 would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or

 more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the

 Justice Department.

 12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to

 learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would

 operate in the same manner as the old car.

 13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

 Compliment her,

 cuddle her,

 kiss her,

 caress her,

 love her,

 stroke her,

 tease her,

 comfort her,

 protect her,

 hug her,

 hold her,

 spend money on her,

 wine & dine her,

 buy things for her,

 listen to her,

 care for her,

 stand by her,

 support her,

 go to the ends of the earth for her...

 HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

 Show up naked,

 bring beer.

 Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and

 hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water

 trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus

 steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the

 fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and

 chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and

 hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the

 water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up

 and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into

 the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The

 eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky

 and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the

 fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into

 the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says,

 "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

 A True Story About Hell

 This is reported by a graduate of the University of Oklahoma School of

 Chemical Engineering, citing one of Dr. Schlambaugh's final test

 questions for his final exam of 1997. Dr. Schlambaugh is known for

 asking questions like this one on his final exam, "Why do airplanes

 fly?" In May 1997, the Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II final exam

 question was, "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer

 with proof."

 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Laws

 or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

 First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If

 they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So at what rate

 are souls moving into hell and at what rate are they leaving? I think

 we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell it does not leave.

 Therefore no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's

 look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some

 of the religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,

 you will go to hell. Since there is more than one of these religions

 and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project

 that all people and all souls go to hell.

 With birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of

 souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of

 change in the volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for

 the temperature to stay the same, the ratio of mass of the souls and

 volume need to stay constant. So:

 A1) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

 enter hell, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all

 hell breaks loose. Or

 A2) If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls

 in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell

 freezes over.

 So which is it?

 If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during

 freshman year, that "it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep

 with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT

 succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then A2 cannot be

 true...

 Thus hell is exothermic.

 The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

Subject: Performance Review

One day, a project leader was asked to submit a review of one of his

employees. He wrote the following:

1) Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2) hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3) wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4) thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5) finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended

6) measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7) breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8) vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10) classed as a high caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11) dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12) promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13) executed as soon as possible.

Regards - Project Leader

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from

the same project leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the

report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered

lines for my true assessment of him.

While proudly showing off his new flat to friends late one night, the drunk ledthe way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock," the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering belt with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For feck's sake, you shagging eejit, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!?

 A guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees

 up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods

 on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball

 and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on

 his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness,"

 says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little

 guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught

 me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you

 three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you,

 I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

 Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he

 was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do

 something for him. I'll give him the three things that I

 would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game,

 and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often

 do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on

 the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one

 into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When

 he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he

 is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how

 your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under

 par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun,

 "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that

 you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull

 out a hundred dollar bill" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and

 says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

 Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe

 once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or

 twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well,

 that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

 Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a

 neighbouring kingdom.

 The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful

 happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a

 very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the

 answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

 The question was: What do women really want?

 Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to

 young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

 Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's

 proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his

 kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes,

the

 priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with

everyone

 but

 no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

 What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only

 she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch

was

 famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

 The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to

 talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have

to

 accept her price first:

 The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of

 the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

 Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous,

 had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene

 noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature.

 He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a

 burden.

 Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him

 that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and

 the preservation of the Round Table.

 Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered

 Arthur's question:

 What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own

life.

 Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and

 that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring

 monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

 What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between

 relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and

courteous.

 The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her

hands,

 belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

 The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific

 night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful

 woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and

 asked what had happened.

 The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd

 been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed

 self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

 Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the

night?

 What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:

 During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at

 night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?

 Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a

 beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

 What would you do?

 What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made

 your own choice.

 Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon

 hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,

 because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own

life.

 What is he moral of this story?

 THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY

 OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and

get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a

path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed

the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man.

The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in

that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son

said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

 THE MAGIC MIRROR

  A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness

  spa for some fun and relaxation. After a

  stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to

  visit the ladies room and found a

  strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance,

  who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure

  to check out our newest feature: a mirror which,

  if you look into it and say something truthful,

  you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned,

  for if you say something false, you will be

  sucked into the mirror to live in a void of

  nothingness for all eternity!"

  The three women quickly entered and upon finding

  the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the

  most beautiful of us three" and in an instant

  she was surrounded by a pile of money.

  The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm

  the most talented of us three" and she suddenly

  found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her

  hands.

  Excited over the possibility of having a wish

  come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and

  said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into

  the mirror.

The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be

a jock or a nerd?"

I submit the following:

Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That

$10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a

day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every

night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but

he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618

while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of

Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000)

it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement

money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00

every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round golf,

but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his

income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit

the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every $10 he made, you

would be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter

dash in the Olympics.

He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a

meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in

about $5600.

This Year, he'll make more than twice as much as all

U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

-------------------------------

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the

next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates

has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

The following training courses are now available for women;

1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Don't Need New

Shoes Every

Day.

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait

Until

After The Game.

6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet

Too

7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His

8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The

First

9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking

10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without

Nagging

11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire

12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up

14. Introduction to Parking

15. Introduction to Petrol

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space

17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Filler Cap Off

18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption

20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People

21. PMS: Your Problem... Not His

22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To

23. Sex - It's For The Married Couple Too

24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have

25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women

Notice

26. TV Remotes: For Men Only

27. Bathrooms: They do look the same before and after cleaning.

28. Unisex shopping: What you spend on clothes I am allowed to

spend on

beer, since i will have the beer inside me for about the

same time you

will wear the clothes.

  This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.......honest !

  One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up,

  ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask

  them the same three questions, if the answers are the same,

  the couple win a holiday to Bali.

  Last week the competition went like this:

  Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

  Brian: Yeah, sure.

  Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex ?

  Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

  Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?

  Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.

  Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

  Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

  Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !

  Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

  Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter).

  Good one Brian,

  now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

  Brian: Yeah, alright.

  Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?

  Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

  Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other

  line, say hello.

  Sharelle: Hi Brian.

  Brian: Hi Sharelle.

  Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three

questions

  we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two

 to

  Bali.

  Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

  Sharelle: O.K.

  Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

  Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

  Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

  Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

  Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for

  Sharelle ?

  Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

  Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

  Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

  Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way,no.

  Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

  Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway...

  just tell em.

  Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !

  Radio Silence

  Advert

  Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here,

  and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the

  holiday.

  Now we'll take a music break.

Ski Weekend

Larry decided to go skiing with his buddy, Peter. They loaded up Larry's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the

night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid

the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Larry said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Larry got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Peter and asked: "Peter, do you remember that good looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north."

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Peter's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.

Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Peter . She just died and left me everything!

wo young lads were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The Judge said, "You seem like nice men, I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday".

Monday, the 2 lads were back in court and the judge said to the first one,

"How did you do over the weekend?".

"Well your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever".

"17 people, that's wonderful!. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram your honour. I drew 2 circles like this. And I told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the little circle is your brain after drugs."

"Thats's admirable!" said the judge.

To the second lad the judge said, "and how did you do?"

Well your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well I used a similar approach. I also drew 2 circles. And I said this small circle is your asshole before prison......"

In the hospital, The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their

family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired

and sombre.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as he surveyed the

worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a

brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi risky, and you will

have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as

they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a

brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$500 for a female brain, and

$200 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding

eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.

A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone

wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group

said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the male brains

down, because they're used."

 At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine

 my

 annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user

 of

 a

 Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and

 was

 calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system

 error

 and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a

 warning that

 the

 computer was going to blow up.

 **********************************************************

 Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

 Customer: "Ok."

 Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

 Customer: "No."

 Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

 Customer: "No."

 Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until

 this point?"

 Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

 (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of

 the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop

 from

 giggling when I got back to the call.)

 Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

 Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

 **********************************************************

 One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the

 batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the

 first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just

 paid $2,000

 for

 this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

 **********************************************************

 Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still

 getting the same error message."

 Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

 Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

 **********************************************************

 Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

 Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

 Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

 Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

 Customer: "It says ' PC manufacturer| Restore and Recovery disk'."

 Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

 Customer: "What?"

 Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

 Customer "No..."

 **********************************************************

 Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can

 you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

 Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

 **********************************************************

 Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

 Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

 Customer: "I can't open the box."

 Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed

 and go from there."

 Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

 **********************************************************

 Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got

 a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it

 says is 'Bad command or file name'."

 Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\

 and type 'dir'."

 Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

 Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there.

 Type 'INSTALL'again."

 Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

 Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it

 can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing

 I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"

 Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad

 command or file name'."

 Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing

 I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

 Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using

 the 'M' key...does that matter?

 **********************************************************

 At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything.

 They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning

 the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

 Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

 Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open

 An outage."

 Customer: "What is that?"

 Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

 Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

 **********************************************************

 And the best for last]]]]

 Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install

 disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

 Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

 Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck

 in my drive, now it won't work at all."

 Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error

 messages did you get?"

 Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in

 the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and

 tried to get it out That didn't work either."

 Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

 Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but

 it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic

 stuff a bit."

 Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject

 button?"

 Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used

 a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the

 disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it

 came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk

 that was broke and defective."

 Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your

 A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"At this

 point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned

 at the other techs to listen in.

 Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat

 what you just said?"

 Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk

 out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

 Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out

 when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing

 called the disk eject button?"

 Silence.

 Tech Support: "Sir?"

 Customer: "Yes."

 Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

 Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am

 going to sue you for breaking my computer?"

 Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our

 company because you put the disk in the A: drive,

 didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't

 actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your

 user's manual on how to use your computer properly,

 instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and

 physically rip the disk out?"

 Customer: "Ummmm."

 Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do

 record every call and have it on tape?"

 Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help]"

 Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for

 you. Have a nice day."

A man is driving up the M6 and as he reaches the M56 turnoff he finds himself at the back of a queue of standing traffic stretching as far as the eye can see.

After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the motorway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows. When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's causing all this delay?"

The guy on the motorway says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but David Beckham has sat down in the middle of the motorway up on the Thelwall Viaduct. He's totally distraught, and he says that now he's too old to play football and can't get another job there's no way he can afford to pay alimony to Posh Spice and themaintenance payments for Brooklyn, Peckham and Knutsford. He's threatened to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire if people don't give enough money sufficient pay for a solicitor to contest the alimony and maintenance awards, so I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."

"Blimey," says the driver, "how much have you collected so far?"

"About forty gallons."

In a recent News paper advice colum

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Liverpool, England. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in aBrothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her

knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer

them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?

BATH TIME

 It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun,

Sister

 Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old

nun had

 instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at

Fr.John's

 nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and

pray. The

 next morning the old nun asked Sister

 Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

 "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

 "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

 "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,

and while

 I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he

said the Lord

 keeps the Key to Heaven."

 "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

 Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to

Heaven fit my

 lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be

assured of

 salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to

Heaven into

 my lock."

 "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

 "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to

salvation was often

 painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with

ecstasy. And

 it did, it felt so good being saved."

 "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was

Gabriel's Horn,

 and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

 SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY TO GNAW THROUGH THE STRAPS!

 Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that

destroyed

 a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly

installed fire

 prevention alarm system.

 "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner,

"when

 someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

A guy goes into a bar and orders 3 triple Vodkas.

 "Blimey" says the barman, "are you celebrating something?"

 "Yup" says the guy, "my first blow job"

 "Well wouldn't you rather have a bottle of champagne then" asks the

barman

 "I would" says the guy "but I don't think it would get rid of the

taste"!!

The TRUE ending to "the Empire Strikes Back":

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but

straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out

of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the sith... waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart

and says "one-nil."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."

The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,

"Goal! 2 all."

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not to

be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just

one more fart.

He strains a little too hard and shits the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

Subject: Children's Books That Didn't Make the Cut...

 1. You Are Different and That's Bad

 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

 3. Dad's New Wife, "Robert"

 4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

 6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

 7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

 9. All Cats Go to Hell

 10.The Little Sissy Who Snitched

 11.Some Kittens Can Fly.

 12.That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

 13.Grandpa Gets a Casket

 14.The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

 15.Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

 16.The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

 17.Strangers Have the Best Candy

 18.Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

 19.You Were an Accident

 20.Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

 21.Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

 22.The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

 23.Your Nightmares Are Real

 24.Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

 25.Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

 26.Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

 27.Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

 28.Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Subject: FW: Random Thoughts

Never raise your hands to your kids, it leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out, my philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape!

I just don't understand the logic of kamikaze pilots wearing helmets.

I sometimes wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet

soup.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I probably should have been more

specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Why is it anybody going slower than you is an idiot,

and anyone going faster is a maniac?

I can think of no reason why most people play golf unless it's to wear

clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, you can

pretty much figure a bank robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock

every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there

picking the locks, they are always locking three.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans

is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three

best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls, they'll usually

go on about what a beautiful animal is. Now I think my

mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library;

the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill

Clinton Adult Bookstore.

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by

 transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or

 phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out

 there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at

 Scrabble.

 When you rearrange the letters:

 Dormitory Dirty Room

 Evangelist Evil's Agent

 Desperation A Rope Ends It

 The Morse Code Here Come Dots

 Slot Machines Cash Lost in em

 Animosity Is No Amity

 Mother-in-law Woman Hitler

 Snooze Alarms Alas No More Zs

 Alec Guinness Genuine Class

 Semolina Is No Meal

 The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet

 A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place

 The Earthquakes That Queer Shake

 Eleven plus two Twelve plus one

 Contradiction Accord not in it

 And for the grand finale:

 PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

 It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each

 letter only once) into:

 TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

By Rod Hilton

FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP

It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.

I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.

INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI

A droid enters.

I sense a disturbance in the force.

Well, shit.

Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.

EXT. NABOO

They run until they smack into some more CGI.

Who might you be?

I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.

I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.

Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.

Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?

Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.

Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.

Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.

I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.

I'm so sorry, Amidala.

No, no, I'm Padme now.

I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.

No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out.

Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!

LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.

INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE

Hi there! Golly I'm cute.

You certainly are little boy.

I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?

Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.

No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.

They pod race. It looks really COOL.

Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2.

JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has toleave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.

He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?

Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?

They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.

INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL

I want to train this boy.

Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.

Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.

Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.

I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.

He exits.

INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING

Damn I'm evil.

Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.

EXT. NABOO

I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.

One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?

No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.

They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares? Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL. Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care. Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die. Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space- battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.

INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS

MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

Whoa! This is really cool!

Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.

Grrr.

Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.

Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.

Muahahahaha.

Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.

EXT. SPACE

Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute.

JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.

Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!

They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.

EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO

The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.

Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!

Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.

Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!