I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place  on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit  Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!

 We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing  along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa  Claus!

 Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no  gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's  pockets.

 This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made  by our CEO at that time!

 Merry Christmas to you and your family.

 We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides  with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

 The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this  time.

 There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will  have other type of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

 Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous  requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.

 I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to

 Forget about the gifts exchange - no gift exchanges are allowed since the  union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe  $10.00 is very little for a gift.

 What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the  Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during  daylight hours. There goes the party!

 Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not  accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off  on serving your meal until the end of the party (the days are so short  this time of year) or else package everything for take home in little foil  swans. Will that work?

 Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit  farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table  closest to the restrooms.

 Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.  Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. To the  person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed  though.

 We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be  available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the  food - we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste  first.

 So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a  tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning  of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try  to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.

 People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up  like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be  "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red  suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family  feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

 Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special  announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail  sent to your home.

 I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the  %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change  your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address  will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I  will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

 Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this  party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can  sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so  quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including  hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes  scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them  scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk  and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery  from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel  our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with  full pay.

 Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern W*nker'.

 You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.

 Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.

 You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".

 You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad ferit',"Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.

 You think Londoners are 'soft southern w*nkers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.

 You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.

 You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.

 You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'.

 You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'taste of pish like'.

 You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.

 You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.

 You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.

 You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.

 You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes

 You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.

 You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten." The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 little boxes of the most expensive dog biscuits, for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog biscuits.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier put her finger into the box and it felt warm and slightly squiggy. The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

An elderly man lay on his death bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelt the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of thebedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen, were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bring him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish" says the genie. The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight on the dark front porch, the guy starts feeling horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, says to her: "Baby, would you give me a blow job?" She quickly replies: "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour in the dark?"

Without warning, the light on the porch goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pj's, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice says: "Dad says to go ahead and give the bastard a blow job. Otherwise I can try it. Or if need be, he'll send Mom down to do it, but for God's sake tell the stupid bastard to take his hand off the intercom or none of us is going to get any sleep tonight!"

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know" he blubbers, " but you can bet your f*cking arse it won't be Coco Pops."

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went  out with his girlfriend to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his trousers, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw...can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "I'd like to, but I don't think my arse can take another hard roll!"

Once, an Englishman, a Scot and a Jap were stranded on a desert island after surviving a plane crash. The Englishman looks for materials to build a shelter, the Scot looks for firewood and they tell the Jap to look for supplies. After a few days, the Jap never returned. The others looked for him. Then, the Jap jumps out from behind a bush and yells

"SUPPLIES!"

One day, a nursery school teacher was trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely". To make sure the pupils had a good understanding of the word, she asked them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student said, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replied: "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another pupil put his hand up and asked the teacher: "Do farts have lumps in?" The teacher looked at him with a frown and said "No, Johnny, but that isn't an appropriate question to ask in classroom discussion!!"

So Johnny replies: "Then I've definitely shat my pants....."

Happened to a medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. he reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. Quite shocked he told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediatly mailed in his $40.

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away

'My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker'- Dan Rather (News anchorman)

'Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps' - Tiger Woods.

'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships' Sharon Stone

'My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading' - Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

'Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"' - Patricia Arquette

'I discovered I scream the same whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot' - Axel Rose (Guns 'n' Roses)

'Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master' - Rev. Jesse Jackson

'My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch' - Jack Nicholson

'Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is' - Barbara Bush

'Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet' - Robin Williams

'Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself' - Roseanne

'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place' - Billy Crystal

'According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful' - Robert De Niro

'See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time' - Robin Williams

'In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?' - Hugh Grant

'There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.

They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?' - Dustin Hoffman 'When the sun comes up, I have morals again' - Elizabeth Taylor

'There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what i'm doing. Just show me somebody naked"' - Jerry Seinfield

'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house' - Rod Stewart

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer techie, and the fifth was a council worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible. But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive. The computer techie knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, go for it". Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow. Then the four men turned to the council worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The council worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, deleted all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six-month sick leave.

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.

Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a>meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair."