NOTES:

From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in

Texas, to be a tasting judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wantedto do

it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be

standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the

call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint

from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope

that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed

to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me

the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they

saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have

been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded

me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste

it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that

300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm

eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when

I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue

from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really

pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those

rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gasteous, sulfuric

flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I

need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge

Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin,

and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the

world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with

chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full of

lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too

painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll

just suck it in through the fucking 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not

too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell

and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make

it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

 Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are NEW (mostly), and

 are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas

 mag.....

 "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

 "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised

 the car was on fire so took my dog out and smothered it with a blanket."

 Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

 A: Travelled by bus?

 A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

 Q - What warning was given by you?

 A - Horn

 Q - What warning was given by the other party?

 A - Moo

 "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an

 elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose

 concentration and hit a bollard."

 "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

 "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion

 reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

 "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

 "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her

 to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

 Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?

 A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

 "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into

 the rear of second car."

 "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

 "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

 "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

 "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

 "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

 "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

 "I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

 "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

 "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

 "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

 "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

 "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

 "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge

 sprang up obscuring my vision and I didnot see the other car."

 "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

 "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

 "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

 "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

 "I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

 "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

 "I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"

 "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth"

 "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and associations throughout the UK;

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

.......and their 18 year old son keeps banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move in to the

house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

.......50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout? I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

.......and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

"Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

" Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,

I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushingto get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ....equipment ?".

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Couple of Britney's please Doreen".

BRUCE LEE - erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE - the need to defecate imminently.

PEARL HARBOUR - cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit

Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

SALAD DODGER - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY - a deeply unattractive woman.

WALLACE AND GROMIT - Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

A farmer and his wife went to a bull sale.

The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year.

That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.

That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says,

"Go up and inquire if it had to sh*g the same cow every day."!!!!!!

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of

you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a

difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count ourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

STRANGE BUT true