You know you work in the nineties if...
You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro.
Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your bestjokes.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined
It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while your have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
Your boss's favorite lines are:
When you've got a few minutes
Could you fit this in
In your spare time
When you're freed up
I know you're busy but
I have an opportunity for you
Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get in January.
Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
You read this entire list , kept nodding and you understood it.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets
of Edmonton for a vacation in Hawaii. His wife was on a business trip
and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed, Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering
for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily,
"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have an Norweb logo printed on
my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied,
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Philips written on my
forehead? I don't think so".
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps, "he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Construction written on my forehead? I
don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As
he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to
get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a
nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to
do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake
him a cake."
He said,
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied,
"Hellooooooo........ Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so."
Gorilla at the Zoo
===============
It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with
one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free
hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the
poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more
excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She
does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla
absolutely crazy. Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair,
rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the
poor shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard
balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow
swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy: "Did you see what
your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue
ball off my pool table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"
replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink,
pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey
did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a
maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the
bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
On Sunday 14th March this year, Spain played Romania at home in the
first of the IRB Rugby World Cup European Zone preliminaries. The other
team in the group is Portugal. The idea is that the 3 teams play each
other to see who goes into the seed pool (decided after this years
World Cup) for the next world cup. They play home and away so 6 games in all.
Halfway through the first half the Spanish prop forward Iganez was sent
off for stamping on the Romanian fly half Corin Abrazu. The Romanian
was taken off the field for treatment to two wounds, a head wound and a
leg wound. After the physio had tried to staunch the flow of blood to
the head wound, (and failed) he called for an ambulance to get Abrazu
into hospital. At the hospital, a broken knife blade was removed from
Abrazu's leg. He was allowed home from hospital at flew home a few days
later. Iganez was arrested for attempted murder by the Spanish Police
in Pamplona. Iganez has continually denied any wrong doing (and video
evidence supports this).
Last week Abrazu withdrew from the Rumanian team to play Portugal,
complaining of headaches. It was thought he had banged his head in a
club match the previous weekend. He collapsed at his home, and was
rushed to hospital. X-Rays showed a .22 calibre bullet lodged in his
brain. The entrance wound had been stitched by a Spanish doctor in the
belief that it had been caused by a boot stud.
Iganez was then questioned by Spanish police about the bullet....
The truth is always so much more surreal. Apparently, Abrazu had
received death threats before the Spanish game via post (the letter was
sent from Cadiz). He laughed them off until fifteen minutes into the
game he felt what he thought was a bee sting on the back of his head.
He felt the wound and found that he was bleeding. Not knowing what had
happened, he continued until four minutes later when the incident with
Iganez occurred.
Iganez plays for Bilbao in the Basque country. He had received a letter
before the match saying that unless he helped with the murder of
Abrazu, his family would be murdered. He was told that someone on the
pitch would kill the Romanian. All he had to do was to "rough up" the
Romanian to allow a doctor on to the pitch. This is what he was
attempting to do when he was called aside by the ref. Only, he had done
nothing up to that point.
Spanish authorities, investigating the incidents found that:
1. Abrazu was targeted because he had been "seeing" (euphemism) Inja
Felipe de Compostilla ... (the ETA bosses daughter (ETA being the
Basque extremists)), the year before while he played for Santander in Spain.
She was up the duff.
2. The knife wound was administered by a stretcher assistant, the knife
used is an ETA speciality called a "Juanez", where the blade is
intended to break inside the wound.
3. The bullet was fired from the crowd by a hired assassin ... hired by
Inja Felipe de Campostilla because she was up the duff....
Complicated or what....
All of the suspects have now been rounded up. Spanish Authorities also
want to extradite Abrazu, since the young "lady" in question is just 14
years old...
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink
terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to
perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a
few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers
him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink
confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch
doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and
it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise
his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and
says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had
finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly
adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her
little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in
that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?
I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her
and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the
wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out
the window."
The Accident
This poor gentleman was in an accident at work, so he filled out an
insurance claim form. The insurance company contacted him asking for
more information. This was his response:
"Dear Sirs,
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information,
for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor
planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I
should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
"I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had
completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several
trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare
hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down
by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using
the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing
the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the
tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300
pounds of tools."
"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I
weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the
ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of
the rope. "Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of
speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I
met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken
collarbone.
"Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold on to the rope in spite of my pain. "At approximately the
same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom
fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel
now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in
block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the
side of the tower. "In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the
barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the
lacerations of my legs and lower body. "The encounter with the barrel
slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of
tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable
to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost
my presence of mind. I let go of the rope ..."
Rules women should know about!!!
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your
fat arse in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the f*cker down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad
probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look
good with your dress?
21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed
makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter
us from reading the magazines.
30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all
gay. Face it.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets,
chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain
about having their boobs stared at.
36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and
does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have
to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I
couldn't/shouldn't/won't want any" and then eat half of mine
.
38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food
nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white
meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals
contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything
else falls under the category 'garnish'.
40. Do not question our sense of direction.
IF YOU ARE OF SENSITIVE DISPOSITION DO NOT READ ON.
A Strange but true story (allegedly) emphasising the importance of food hygiene.
A woman had been absent from college for a number of weeks.
When she returned one of her close friends was curious as to why she had been sick for so long. The following story emerged.
The woman and her boyfriend enjoyed involving food in their foreplay,mars bars, cream, syrup, gravy, peanut butter, you name it.
One day the boyfriend, before going to work, made his sandwiches for the day:tuna, mayonnaise leaving the leftover tuna Mayo lying out on the kitchen top.
He went to work, came home, had dinner and relaxes in for a night in with his girlfriend. Time passes and the pair of them get in the mood and start "doing the do". The boyfriend leaps up,after yodelling in the canyon for a while, and remembers the tuna Mayo.
He gets the tuna Mayo off the kitchen table begins to slap it all over his girlfriend's body (applying voluminous amounts to her vaginal area) and starts to lick it off.)
Two days later after their night of tuna Mayo lust has passed, the couple start to feel very ill.
The boyfriend first, he seems to be unable to stop vomiting and the girlfriend later who keeps on getting severe stomach cramps.
The boyfriend puts this down to eating the tuna Mayo that had been lying out uncovered all day, and sure enough his jippy belly soon eases off after day or so.
His girlfriend, however,continues to feel ill, her pain worsening and her abdominal area becoming increasingly sore and tender.
This goes on for a few more days until the girlfriend can't even get out of her bed for the pain in her crotch and abdominal area.
So her boyfriend takes her to the doctors, who recommends she sees a gynaecologist. Thinking she may have cervical cancer, the gynaecologist checks her out and to his horror discovers far inside the woman's vagina is a swarm of maggots that have been eating
into her upper vaginal cavity.
Apparently what happened was the tuna Mayo, after being left uncovered, in the sun, attracted a number of flies, who naturally laid their eggs, which the boyfriend ate and the girlfriend "incubated"!
DO NOT READ THIS BEFORE OR STRAIGHT AFTER YOU HAVE EATEN!!!!
TRUE STORY...........
This woman went through the drive thru of Burger King for lunch a couple of years ago. She ordered a chicken sandwich (the breaded kind...before spicy chicken or grilled chicken became big sellers for BK) and specifically requested NO MAYO because she couldn't stand the stuff. She drove away without confirming that she got what she ordered.
As she drove, she began to eat the sandwich and realized that there was mayo on it. She was none too pleased but was so hungry that she ate it anyway. When she got about halfway through the sandwich, she began to feel very ill. She stopped eating the sandwich but felt increasingly worse as she continued to drive.
She felt so bad that she drove herself to the hospital emergency room. She took her sandwich with her since she started feeling bad after eating the sandwich.The hospital performed tests on both her and the sandwich and found out the following...the sandwich actually didn't have any mayo on it.
In reality, the chicken had a tumor on its breast. When the chicken was breaded and fried, the tumor burst inside the breaded chicken breast. the mayo-like substance was actually puss from the tumor. Kind of makes you want to swear off fast food and mayo, doesn't it!
ANOTHER TRUE STORY......
This girl was really in a hurry one day so she just stopped off at a Taco Bell and got a Chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home.
That night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen.
The next day it was a little worse so she went to her doctor.
He said she was just having an allergic reaction to something and gave her some cream to rub on her jaw to help.
After a couple of days the swelling had just gotten worse and she could hardly move her jaw.
She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong.
Her doctor had no idea so he started to run some tests.
They scrubbed out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples and they also took some saliva samples.
Well, they found out what was wrong.
Apparently her chicken soft taco had a pregnant cockroach in the one she ate!!!!
The eggs then somehow got into her saliva glands and she was incubating them.
They had to remove a couple layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs out. If they hadn't figured out what was going on, the eggs would have hatched inside the lining of her mouth.
Lesson number one
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson number two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I wouldlove to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after the forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson number three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do
Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.
ONE POINT GAMES
Run one lap around the office at top speed.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the bathroom at the time) then say, Geez, that burns!
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAMES
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him/her with double-barrelled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAMES
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"***
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce: "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You
wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
While talking to a colleague, pick your nose and eat the booger.
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now and walk away".
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says,"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
And the boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
There's an Englishman, a Welshman, and a West Indian waiting outside a hospital delivery room. A nurse appears and tells them that they're all the fathers of bouncing baby boys.
She continues "Unfortunately the babies were all born at exactly the same time and we didn't get their ID bracelets on.
Basically we don't know which baby is which, so you'll have to go in there and claim your baby".
The Englishman goes first, and reappears carrying a black baby.
The West Indian chap confronts him saying "Surely that one's mine". The English fella replies
"Look, there's two white babies in there and one of them's Welsh. I'm not taking any chances!"
The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing
Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.
Third Place:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in
the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let
me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the
bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Second Place:
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have
time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the
lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
'SURPRISE!' My entire family aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins
and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were
frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like
an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a
surprise party again.
First Place:
One of the funniest 'most-embarrassing-moment' stories I've come
upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items
at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she
learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her
embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out
for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX,SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear
of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over
the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB
OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird
section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in
dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does
and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high
up in the
hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot
drop. "Dis looks
loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis
looks good,"
replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I
git to go
first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds
out of the bag,
places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes
straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy
looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and
says, "Fock
dat, dis
budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"
======- PART TWO =======
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the
pet
shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
He pulls a
parrot
out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his
other hand,
Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches
himself
over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way
down, Seamus
takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus
continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's
remains at the bottom.
Paddy
shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat
parrotshooting
nider"
======- PART THREE =======
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls
up. He
too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying
the familiar
'peeper bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag,
and
launches himself of the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first
der
was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot
shooting and now
you blimmin' hen gliding"
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED AT THE MOVIES:
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price
range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You
will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
15. Don't worry if you're involved in a war, as long as you never make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent
will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
On the other hand, even when driving around numerous bends, with oncoming
traffic, you can turn and talk your passengers behind you and not look at
the road. Don't worry you'll never crash.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will
know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to
speak to each other in English.
28. You never need to lock your car.
You might like this. If you're having the kind of day that is causing you pain it is unlikely to be as painful as the day this chap was having....
When I was studying in Ireland, I took up rugby. As my first season wore on, the lads and I were eventually scheduled to play a team which had quite a reputation for violent play.
Considering that we weren't the most talented outfit to have ever taken the field, we decided to accept the challenge with a "do or die" attitude, hoping things would eventually swing our way.
They didn't, and to make matters worse our star player, Alan, dislocated his hip after a particularly ferocious tackle. He was clearly in a lot of pain, so we all stood back to watch the medic who, in one swift movement, managed to slot the hip back in its socket.
Then Alan began a long, blood curdling scream.
To our horror, we realised that one of his testicles had also been jammed into the socket, and was now firmly held in place by his hip.
Incidentally, Alan managed to rip a vocal chord with his screaming.
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."
**********
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
**********
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
**********
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back
to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
**********
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto the disk for
me?"
**********
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh....uh...yeah."
**********
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a
Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
**********
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
**********
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for
about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't
solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colours would print
fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan,
magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and
yellow, but green printed fine. Every colour of the rainbow printed fine
except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the
customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my
co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of
troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in
to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a
piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
**********
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's Tech
support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the
printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in
front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
**********
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in
the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also
complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very
embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed
away from her.
****************
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home
computer."
Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the
little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialised."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialise it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialised, all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the
A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of
Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
*********
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message
every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and
password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
**********
Email from a friend:
"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
**********
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a
young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms
crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes
he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was
impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she
replied : "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes
ago!"
**********
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant
user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the start-up files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need
to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system
start-up files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to
explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted
that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but
there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it
goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't
include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a
patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you
said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power
supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
DEFINITIONS BY GENDER
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression
and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as
we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every
three minutes.
A guy is strolling down the street in London
where he comes across an old lamp. He picks
it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to
which the guy replies I've always wanted to
be lucky." The genie grants his wish. So off
the bloke strolls, wondering how this will
change his life, when he spies 10 quid on
the footpath. Not a bad start he thinks. As
he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes
betting shop across the road. He strolls over,
looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse
named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at
Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and
what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to
the local illegal casino, fronts up at the
roulette table and puts the whole 1010
quid on "Lucky seven." Round and round
the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying....what better way
to celebrate than to head to the local brothel
for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks
and enters, when all of a sudden he is
showered with streamers and handed
a glass of champagne. The madam of the
establishment puts her arm around him and
says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in
informing you that you are our lucky 1000th
customer, and you have won the right
to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl
who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The bloke says that he's always fancied
making it with an Indian girl....so he's
ushered into one of the rooms when in
strolls the most gorgeous woman he has ever
seen. Not much time passes before
clothing is strewn around the room and the
Karma Sutra is being well and truly tested.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the
girl, "You are one of the most beautiful
women I've ever seen in my life. I can't
believe how lucky I am. But there is one
thing I don't really like about Indian
women. I don't like that red spot that
you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and
says, "Sir, I am here to please you and
succumb to your every desire. If you wish
to see it gone, then please scratch off
my caste mark." So the bloke goes at it
with his fingernail. All of a sudden he
leans back and starts laughing his ass off.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the
Indian girl. To which the bloke replies,
"You're never going to believe this, but
I've just won a car!"