Great Mysteries of Life
Have you ever just sat
and pondered the deep questions in life? I mean the really, really deep questions? The
questions so deep that there are little guys with horns running around in red suits
poking each other in the butt with pitchforks? Yeah, that's deep.
What is the meaning of life? How did they build the pyramids? And why is it that the bird
finds your car right after you wash it?
And, while you're pondering those deep questions, here are some more to ponder over . . .
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, then why is it still #2?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour?"
Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when we're already there?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why is it called "after dark" when it's really "after light?"
Could someone be addicted to therapy, and, if so, how would you treat them?
If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?
If a criminal turns himself in, shouldn't he get the reward money?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is a "shipment," but when you transport
something by ship, it is "cargo?"
If you melt dry ice, would you be able to swim in it without getting wet?
What color do we say a smurf is when he's sad? They're already blue . . .
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words
"hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?"
Restaurant doors have signs on them that say "no shoes, no shirt, no service." What if someone
walked in without pants? Would they have to serve them?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve
their own government?
What did tornadoes sound like before freight trains were invented?
Why do caregivers and caretakers do the same thing?
How come financial advisors are never as wealthy as they think they can make you?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated, instead
of just murdered?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change clothes? They're going to see you naked
anyway.
Why did she sell seashells down by the sea shore when you can just pick them up yourself
for free?
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
Why isn't the word "gullible" in the dictionary?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Did you really look in the dictionary to find the word "gullible?" HA! HA!
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see through your
eyelids?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
What is the speed of dark?
Why do we say an alarm clock is "going off" when the alarm is really turning on?
How come you never hear about gruntled postal workers?
Are people who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouths full?
If you kill your clone, have you committed murder or suicide?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put
wheels on luggage?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars in the sky, but
check when you say the paint is wet?
Is the vice president's wife called the "second lady?"
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If so, where did he keep them?
And why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
Why do all Abraham Lincoln impersonators sound the same? There were no recordings of his
voice, so how do we know that's what he sounded like?
If you send someone styrofoam, what should you pack it in?
How can there be self-help groups?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what
would happen?
Why do you play at a recital and recite at a play?
Why do banks leave both doors unlocked but chain their pens to the counter?
Why do we say someone is "late" when they died earlier?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there a light in the fridge, but not in the freezer?
If bald people work in restaurants, do they still have to wear hairnets?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you
take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why does Goofy stand up on two legs while Pluto remains on all four? They're both dogs.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Do cross-eyed teachers have trouble controlling their pupils?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't
he fix a hole in a boat?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two
hours?
Why are you "in" a movie but "on" TV?
Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
If a 911 opeator has a heart attack, whom should he/she call?
Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the end you first try?
Whose idea was it to put an "s" in "lisp?"
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one player or two?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why don't flea markets sell fleas?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Do Lipton employees get coffee breaks?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
What's another word for "synonymn?"
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why is it called "baby-sitting" when all you do is run after them?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're
ahead?"
If swimming is so good for your figure, then why do whales look like they do?
Why do drug stores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescription, while healthy people can get cigarettes at the front?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
What happened to the first six "ups?"
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why is someone who invests all your money called a "broker?"
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can
be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
locomotive engineers derailed, bankers disinterested, and dry cleaners depressed?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why is there a song about it?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Can you cry underwater?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they're attached?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow, only to be
troubled and insecure?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
Why is it possible for your nose to run and your feet to smell?
When sign painters go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?
What is a "free gift?" Aren't all gifts free?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Bread is square, so why is sandwich meat round?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Once you're in Heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" when it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's
the extra penny go?
Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on
the ground?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting
there, looking at the carpeting?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
Why is it that when you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?
Is it ethical for vegetarians to eat animal crackers?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until they
speak?
Where are Preparations A through G?
If a fly lost its wings, would it be called a "walk" instead?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What is the purpose of static electricity?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but publishers aren't afraid of a Chapter 11?
Why is it called the Dept. of the Interior when it's in charge of everything outdoors?
If we have free speech in this country, then why do we have phone bills?
Why don't you ever see the headline - "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's ouside the hemisphere, but call it a hemerrhoid when
it's in your butt?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If a funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their headlights off?
Why do you get on a bus and on a train but into a car?
If "pro" and "con" are opposites, does that mean that "Congress" is the opposite of "progress?"
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .
write to them? Why don't we put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for
them while they deliver mail?
How come the windshield wiper always works better on the passenger's side?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you
are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
Why are taxes due on April 15 - the same day the Titanic sank?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Why does the sun lighten your hair but darken your skin?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
If you have odds and ends, and you get rid of all but one, then what is left? Is it an odd,
or is it an end?
Why do we say we are getting our pet "fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all of that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no
decent human being would ever want to eat?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are weak?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil
made from?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal?"
When Geronimo jumps out of a plane, what does he yell?
Why is it that lemon dish detergent is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificially
flavored?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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