I obeyed my mentor’s request for a time. I saw little of Alecielle or Vishali.

And one day, months later, an odd idea came upon me. Winter was fully upon Kalaven City now, and snow fell in heavy blankets across the land. Our Courtyard was a snowy kingdom where we gathered in our warm winter robes and complained of the cold, when it was obvious that we could have easily gone inside. And it was during one of these escapades to the courtyard that I said:

"I think I will go home and visit my family."

Tobias and Artemis were both surprised, but delighted that I had, seemingly, overcome my demons. And I was, for the most part. I was prepared to reconcile with Aunt Jill and Uncle Mortimer. I was prepared to face the glares I was sure to receive upon setting foot on the property. And I was prepared to look at Ulrich and smile, while holding Artemis’ hand.

For there was no way that I would not take them with me.

But the reason for my sudden urge to return home had nothing to do with Aunt Jill or the demons of my past. It was quite simple: I missed my brother, Michael. I wanted to see him more than anyone else.

Irwin and Bessera arranged for a carriage to transport the three of us to Crystal City, and Benivier made a point of telling me to "wear warm clothes and make sure that I didn’t catch cold."

Lotus, Tobias’ rather impetuous falcon Nemawyre, remarked sardonically, "I think he’s capable of taking care of himself by now, Benivier. He’s not a child anymore."

"No," Benivier said sadly, "I suppose he’s not." He sighed and looked up at Bessera, who held him in her arms. "They grow up so quickly, don’t they?"

"Indeed they do, my precious," she agreed with a melodramatic sigh on his behalf, then winked at me and kissed my cheek. We stood outside the carriage, bidding one another a temporary farewell. "Take care, all three of you. I won’t have you coming back here in anything other than one piece, do you hear me?"

"Yes, Madame," we all answered politely.

"And mind your manners," Irwin added sternly. I think we all shared a quiet chuckle at that.

Thus, for the second time in my life, I was leaving Kalaven City in a carriage, my destination Crystal City for a family that had almost cruelly cast me away. But the trip was a happy one, and we talked well into the night. We fell asleep together, I with my arms around Artemis and his around me, Tobias with his head resting sleepily against my shoulder. What a motley trio we were.

And again, as I had during my first trip, I awoke and found myself gazing out across a treeless plain of wispy prairie grasses and wild flowers, the stars glimmering overhead and the faintest signs of dawn on the eastern horizon. I let my head rest against Artemis’ chest, gazing out the window in blissful silence.

‘This is how it is meant to be,’ I thought, completely satisfied for the first time in my life. ‘This is right. Oh Aunt Jill, how can I ever thank you for giving me this…’ I buried my face in the folds of Artemis’ bottle green robes.

"Good morning, beautiful," he whispered to me, and I glanced up to find his luminous topaz eyes staring into my own. I leaned up and kissed him softly. There were no more words.

Crystal City had not changed. It was still the gilded metropolis I remembered, filled with controversy and inner turmoil. The Stein family guards still rode imperviously atop their horses, and Rowan ruled with a dictator’s iron fist, it was obvious. I tried not to let my gaze linger too long on the Stein mansion that I glimpsed far from me. I trembled without realizing it, suddenly overcome with an emotion I hadn’t felt in over a year. How close he was to me…!

But I did not redirect the cabby. I was determined to confront my family before, if ever, I instigated contact with Ulrich.

And so we passed through the bustling quarters of the city controlled by the Stein family. Artemis and Tobias observed the buildings with placid curiosity, sometimes inquiring, "What is that?" or, "I’ve never seen something like that before. When will it come to Kalaven City?" I would smile and shrug. So many memories were returning to me, as if I’d lived them five minutes before. Shopping with Loran and Rose for their ball gowns, charging into the streets out of bars with Ulrich, rushing away from angry merchants with Michael while in stitches of laughter… I smiled wistfully.

My heart tightened as I glimpsed the du Monte banner flapping in the breeze outside a bookseller’s shop. The lazy lioness almost seemed to wink at me as our carriage jostled past.

Artemis touched my arm suddenly and pointed out the window. "There," he said. "Is that where you lived?"

I looked out the window and felt my breath catch in my throat. There was the du Monte Manor, still splendid and tastefully outdated, covered in pale green ivy and surrounded by all the rose bushes that Aunt Jill could ever long for. I smiled and nodded. "Yes," I whispered. "That’s the du Monte Manor."

"It’s lovely," Tobias observed. "Quite avant-garde."

"Wait until you see the inside," I said with a grin.

There was an aged gardener tending the bushes outside the manor as the carriage approached, and I felt myself near the point of tears as I recognized him. He was Joff, the old man whom I had defended so often from Ulrich when he was angry. The old man hummed a pleasant tune under his breath, but stopped to watch us pull up in curiosity, still holding the hedge clippers.

The cabby hopped down and opened the door for me, but it was a long time before I could step out. I looked to Tobias and smiled nervously. "I don’t know if I can do this, Toby," I admitted. "What if—"

"You’ll never know unless you get out and see for yourself," he interrupted. Artemis nodded sagely in agreement. He took my hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze.

"If all hell breaks loose, my dear," he told me affectionately, "we still have Kalaven College. And you will simply come home to where you are loved."

Home. Kalaven was my home, I realized. But I could not neglect my roots.

Tentatively, I stepped out of the carriage, adjusting my bottle green Astrology robes, tightened the yellow sash around my waist. I looked to Joff, who was regarding me strangely. Then, slowly, recognition dawned on him, and a toothless smile spread across his homely, wrinkled face.

"Rocielle…?" he whispered in disbelief, dropping the hedge clippers.

I smiled and nodded. I opened my arms to him. "Joff," I said, overcome by nostalgia. "You’re looking wonderful."

"Rocielle!" he cried in happiness, his voice old and hoarse. He hobbled over to me as best he could, and gripped me in a tight hug. "Welcome home, boy, welcome home!" Tears sprang to my eyes, and I embraced the old gardener as tightly as I thought safe for his fragile bones.

"Joff?" a voice called out distantly, one I recognized but could not place with a name. A man strode out of the house, noticed the carriage, and demanded, "Who’s here? What have we told you about…" He trailed off and stared at me in shocked amazement.

It was Cain, my cousin, and how splendid he looked in his new clothes.

"It can’t be," he said softly.

"It is!" Joff cried blissfully and patted my chest. "He’s come to pay us a visit!"

Cain walked down the steps slowly, his eyes piercing mine while disbelief gave way to a happiness I had never thought to see on his face. He had missed me! Stell above, my stringent cousin had actually thought kindly of me after all. I stood quietly in front of him, awaiting his judgment.

He paused in front of me and laughed a little awkwardly. "Rocielle," he said in astonishment, and my name sounded strange on his tongue. He smiled, though it was a confused expression. "Little Cousin…" He shook his head slowly. "I never thought I’d see you here again."

"I never thought I’d see me here again either," I said in as friendly a manner as I dared. My smile lessened the tension between us partially. "But I must say, it is good to see that you’re doing well."

"Oh, and you too, of course," he said, as if feeling guilty for not asking after my health. The silence grew between us, before he rolled his eyes and grabbed my shoulders. "Oh hug me, for Victoria’s sake!"

I laughed and threw my arms around his shoulders, embracing him tightly. He picked me up and spun me around, then tousled my carefully brushed hair as he sat me down, grinning widely. "Little bastard, why didn’t you visit us sooner!"

"I haven’t had the time!" I answered, but I was giddy with joy. Joff hadn’t forsaken me, Cain hadn’t forsaken me… perhaps Aunt Jill missed me as well. "Studies have been at the center of my attention for the past year, it seems. How is Luke?"

"Moved to Haven with his wife," Cain answered, then beamed proudly. "I’m an uncle now."

"An uncle?" I whispered in disbelief. Luke, a father? It didn’t seem feasible! But then again, my becoming an Astrology scholar hadn’t seemed feasible either. "I hope Luke has the sense not to let you anywhere near the child—"

"Oh hush!" he chided me with an embarrassed smile.

I smiled back, then turned to the carriage. "Artemis, Tobias, come out. There’s someone here I’d like the two of you to meet." Cain’s eyes traveled to the carriage in curiosity.

They hesitated, then Tobias emerged first, a gust of wind ruffling his hair and causing him to squint. He looked as gauche and awkward as ever, but I knew immediately that Cain would approve of him. Moments later, Artemis stepped out, Kakarah ears pinioned flat against his hair.

I touched my cousin’s arm. "Cain, this is Tobias Ferrin, a good friend of mine at the college. And this…" I turned to Artemis and momentarily faltered. How could I introduce him? As my friend? As my lover?

Artemis sensed my distress and offered his hand out to Cain. "Artemis Jezera," he said quietly. He winked at me. "Your little cousin is a good friend of mine as well."

Cain smiled delightedly at both of my friends and motioned us all inside. As we ascended the steps, he turned to speak to me again. "You just missed Michael, Rocielle," he said. "Jeff ordered a number of Torakibian stallions a few months ago, and they just arrived. Unbroken and everything, and you know how Michael loves to spend time with them when they’re still wild."

"He hasn’t changed a bit," I said wistfully. I would not leave without seeing my brother. "Where is Aunt Jill?"

"Right here."

I turned, startled, and looked to the large archway that separated the lobby of the manor from the sitting room. I stared in awe at the petite figure of my aunt, though her impressive black tresses were streaked with a silver that only added to her ethereal beauty. She smiled at me, and I saw tears brimming at her lashes. She opened her arms to me. "Oh my nephew," she whispered, for her voice would not come to her. "Little Rocielle, how I feared that you would never come home again…"

I felt like I was six years old again, quite suddenly, and I rushed into her open arms before I was aware of what I was doing. Her arms wrapped themselves tightly around my shoulders, crushing me against her despite the fact that I was now a head taller than her.

"Forgive me," she whispered into my ear. "I never meant to hurt you."

"No, thank you," I answered and drew back to look into her eyes. Her tears had smeared her delicately applied make-up. I wiped away a stray tear. "If you hadn’t sent me to Kalaven College," I said softly, "I would never have met Artemis." And with one hand, I gestured to the shy Kakarah who stood partially behind Tobias, looking at everything inside my home in awe.

"Artemis," Aunt Jill repeated and studied him with her typical, imperviously scrutinizing stare. "Hm." She looked to me and studied me as well. "Is he good to you?"

I smiled softly. "Indescribably."

Her severe features softened again. "Then I love him," he told me warmly. Then, turning to my companions, "Come into the sitting room and have something to drink. Stell above knows that they don’t serve you adequately on those ridiculously long carriage rides…"

I laughed despite myself. My wonderfully brusque Aunt Jill…

"So," Aunt Jill began once we were comfortably settled in the sitting room. Artemis sat beside me on the divan, the slender fingers of one of his hand affectionately interlocked with mine. Aunt Jill watched him studiously. "Tell me about yourself, Mr. Jezera."

Artemis looked at my aunt, perplexed, and asked as politely as he could, "What is it you would like to know, Madame?"

And she laughed, charmed by him immediately. "You just answered my question," she smiled and winked at me. "I approve, Rocielle."

Those words gave me such a sweet relief as I have no words for. Love for my aunt swept over me. "Thank you," I whispered.

Regardless of her approval, Aunt Jill thoroughly interrogated Artemis throughout the tea break, her voice placid and serene, but it was clear that she was seriously analyzing each and every answer that he gave to her questions. Sometimes she would raise her slender eyebrows in disbelief, sometimes she would smile and try to stifle her laughter. Never did she frown or view my lover with disdain, and that gave me hope.

But something made me notice the leather seat by the hearth normally occupied by Uncle Mortimer; Cain sat there now, speculating over my relationship with Artemis in pensive silence. Sitting quietly beside me, Tobias noted my sudden attentiveness to the chair and frowned at me in confusion.

I didn’t bother whispering; Aunt Jill had always abhorred whispers in her household, and I didn’t intend to break her rules simply because I lived on my own now. "Where is Uncle Mortimer?" I asked with a frown, but I suppose I knew the answer before she answered.

A question she had for Artemis died on her lips at my query. She looked at me a little uncomfortably. "He’s upstairs," she said, and a clear message was conveyed in the dismayed expression on her face. "His obligations consume more and more of his time—"

"You needn’t explain, Aunt Jill." My words were heavy with the tightening of my throat. I had not expected a warm welcome from Lord Mortimer du Monte, as he had quite willingly excommunicated me from my family when he discovered that I was a homosexual. I had, in fact, expected to be politely yet sternly escorted away from the estate with a firm warning never to return. This was turning out far better than I had ever hoped… but for some reason, I had hoped that my austere uncle might have learned to love me despite what he viewed as my obvious faults.

Artemis squeezed my hand, the gentle pressure and warmth reassuring me. I felt great relief that he was there with me.

Aunt Jill arranged for our belongings to be brought up to two rooms. Tobias would have a chamber to himself complete with a stand for Lotus to perch on at night, while Artemis and I would have my old room. I wondered if she would allow me to arrange my clothing in the drawers the way I liked them, but highly doubted it. She had never given me the opportunity to set things up my way when I had lived in the manor; why would she start now?

In the meantime, Tobias, Artemis, Cain and I set out for the pasture. I was restless, aching to see my brother and to spend some time with him alone.

The path was well worn, I realized, and a fence line separated the dirt road from the grasses, something that had not been there when I left. Joff had planted rows of daffodils along the fence line as well, though they were not blossoming in the wintertime. Cain said that they were spectacular in the spring, that they made the entire estate headily fragrant.

"We cater to more guests as of late," he explained. "Though the rustic aspect of the estate can be rather archaic and charming, most people do not appreciate the smell of horse and dog so near them when they dine on the patio. So this seemed like the most appropriate solution."

"Indeed," I agreed without really agreeing. I frowned; the rich smell that horses carried with them had never bothered me.

We passed the stable without pausing to take a look inside. The stable hands I saw were new recruits, and Jeff evidently was down at the riding ring with Michael; I could hear the barking sound of his voice over the din of the neighing horses and growling dogs.

Rounding the corner of the stable, I glimpsed him and a beautiful white Torakibian stallion, clicking his tongue at the animal and urging it to trot around the outskirts of the riding ring with long reins. For a moment I couldn’t bring myself to approach him. Michael was still my wonderful older brother, simple and beautiful despite it. He had found his happiness, that much was clear in the way the horses responded to him. Jeff leaned against the fence watching with fierce admiration shining in his eyes.

Cain smiled at me and nudged my shoulder with one hand. "Go on," he urged me. "We’ll wait for you here."

"Are you sure?" I looked at him, then at Tobias and Artemis. "You can come with me, you know. I won’t mind."

"Talk to your brother, Rocielle," Tobias said kindly, though almost admonishingly.

"Yes," Artemis agreed softly. He gently kissed my cheek. "You have been away from him for far too long."

"Too long," I repeated somewhat dizzily, then smiled at him. "Yes, I have, haven’t I…"

"Go!" said Cain and Tobias, almost simultaneously.

I turned away from them and tucked my hands into the warm pockets of my Astrology robes, then started down the path that led to the riding ring at a semi-brisk pace. I didn’t want to rush; I had always enjoyed watching Michael work with the horses, especially during the early morning hours when no one else was awake. He would lead his own mare out into the riding ring and test her limits, encouraging her to reach past her capabilities for greater things. His tactics worked on his coworkers as well as on horses, I realized, and I was no exception… But I didn’t think much further on the topic.

The white stallion gave its head a spirited throw and kicked its hindquarters out in the air behind it, nostrils flared and ears pressed back against its skull tightly. The animal’s sharp hooves scraped against the fence, causing Jeff to curse and jump back, snatching his hat off the top of his slowly balding head. Michael gave a startled noise and gently coaxed the animal to a stop.

"Easy!" he exclaimed, his voice soothing and as placating as the chuckle of a brook. "Easy now… Jeff, you hurt?"

"No, I’m fine," Jeff answered, a little shaken but otherwise uninjured. He’d suffered through worse than a near-miss. "But I think that that one’s a lost cause. Might as well turn it loose in the plains."

"Don’t be so negative," Michael responded impatiently. He placed one hand on the animal’s neck and stroked its fur. "This one just needs a little extra attention, that’s all."

Jeff chuckled at my brother’s tenacity and turned to lean his back against the fence. His eyes traversed his surroundings appraisingly, and as he noticed me I saw a dramatic transformation of his facial features. His sanguine visage, slightly chubbier than it had been the previous year, became long with disbelief and shock, before he grinned brilliantly.

"Well would you take a look at that!" he called out to me and dusted off his hands on his chaps. "Welcome home, stranger!"

Michael, tethering the horse to one of the posts in the ring, said, "Jeff, who are you talking…" His eyes met mine; an unreadable expression flitted temporarily across his face.

I stopped a few meters away from the fence and smiled. "Hello, Michael."

Michael had Jeff ready one of his newest mares, a beautiful chestnut who was only four or five years old, fleet of foot and with a sweet and demure personality. Together, we set out down a trail leading into the woods around the du Monte Manor, the silence between us comfortable yet teeming with an excited tension. I kept glancing at him, at his windblown dusty brown hair and deep mahogany eyes, at the set of his jaw and the languid manner in which he sat atop his horse. No, he had never been destined for the courtly life that Aunt Jill had chosen for him. He liked the dirt under his fingernails, he liked the feel of the sun beating down on his back while he worked. Michael was that sort of man.

And he hadn’t changed.

We trotted through a glade together, and our talk started immediately, nonchalantly, as if a conversation we had begun a year ago had simply been restarted.

"Enjoying college?" he asked.

"Yes," I said warmly. "Everything about college is so much better than life here. I’m free, Michael. I’m free to study what I will, live how I like, wear what I want, and love whom I feel drawn to."

"So you’re over Ulrich," he said simply, and I said, "I suppose so," before I realized that I had never confessed to Michael that Ulrich and I had ever been together, however briefly. I stared at him in shock, and it was only when he grabbed the reins from me that I realized I was about to lead the mare off the trail and into the woods.

Still I stared at him. "How did you know about us?"

He smirked at me and chucked the reins back at me. "I’m more observant than you think, Rocielle," he told me. "The two of you were inseparably close, and do you think that Loran and I did not watch you? Those little lovesick stares, the subtle touches—what else could it have been?"

"But that could have inferred anything," I reasoned. "We could have been close friends, there was no need for you to assume—"

"He loved you, plain and simple." He met my gaze solemnly. "He still does. And his wife cries to him at night, begging for him to forget you and to love her, but he doesn’t listen. He’s as oblivious to her pain as Mother once was to yours."

"He doesn’t love me anymore," I answered firmly, though whether I was trying to convince Michael of this or me I am not sure. I felt a swell of guilt in my heart; my feelings for Ulrich had changed unalterably. I felt fond affection for him, I wished only the best for him and under the circumstances, I would perhaps spend an evening in his company, reminiscing… but to save my own sanity, I had schooled my heart and mind away from love in regards to him. To learn, quite suddenly, that the fire in him had never been smothered left me feeling wistful and ambivalent. Had my continued letters somehow convinced him that I still held out hope for us?

"You should speak with him," Michael responded, "and tell him that you do not love him anymore. Tell him to love Camilla, because if he does not, he’s going to tear himself apart, starting with his soul."

"I didn’t come here to see Ulrich," I said, hurt that Michael would bring these things up. "I came here to see you, Michael, and to tell you how much I miss you."

"If you missed me as much as you claim, then why didn’t you write me?" he accused, a note of vehemence in his voice. He gestured vaguely, almost violently, with one arm. "Stell’s balls, Rocielle, did you believe that my address was going to change, that I might decide to ‘clean myself up’ and marry a wealthy nobleman’s daughter? You know me, Little Brother. I’m steadfast in my ways. I’ll be here for the rest of my life."

I clenched by jaws together tightly and rode along at his side in silence. The mare beneath me tugged at the reins and snorted, dancing across the trail; she wanted speed, she wanted to fly, and she was frustrated that I would not give her that. Her agitation was contagious, and Michael’s horse soon behaved similarly; she chomped the bit anxiously.

This was not how I wanted my reunion with my brother to go! I wanted to wander the estate with him, speak of the changes that he and I both had witnessed, hear of the girls he had kissed (for I knew that there would have been many)… I did not want to feel as if I had betrayed him. I did not want this guilt, I did not want to be on the receiving end of his anger and his misery…

I reached out and grasped him by the arm, so suddenly that he jerked not to free himself from me, but because he had not been expecting it. "I’m sorry, Michael," I stammered softly. "I meant to write you, honestly I did… But every time I picked up a quill, I didn’t know what to say! What could I tell you? Of the friends I was making and how happy I was, when it was clear that you were miserable where you remained? Would you have appreciated that? And I certainly couldn’t tell you about my relationship with Artemis—"

"Who is Artemis?" he demanded, cutting me off with a piercing stare.

"My… my lover," I answered softly, faintly. I released his arm when he pulled it out of my grasp.

He frowned at me admonishingly, and the disapproval in his eyes cut my heart into pieces. "I love you, Rocielle," he said quietly, "as much as any brother has ever loved his sibling. There are things about me that you seem to know without asking, and I think that is a gift that Stell gave you. But trust has never been something that you’ve given to anyone easily, and it frustrates me that you, even now, won’t extend it to me. Of course I would have wanted to hear about your relationship with… with whoever it is that you’re involved with now. I care about you! I don’t want any harm to come to you, and if possible I’d like to be in the know just in case something bad did happen. But you’ve kept me at bay—and for what? My own protection?"

"I didn’t think you would understand—"

"I’m not simple, Rocielle!" he shouted suddenly in dismay and outrage, and took his heels to his mare’s sides. The horse whinnied in surprise and sprang forward, galloping away from me and leaving a cloud of dust in her wake. I called out after him and started to edge my animal into a gallop, then decided against it. Michael was no dramatic fool; when he ran away from me, it normally meant that he didn’t want me to follow him. (He differed from my other siblings in that regard.) Instead, I turned her around and headed back to the du Monte Manor.

I was not even halfway back along the trail when I spotted Tobias and Artemis in the center of the road, waiting for me. Lotus was perched in a tree overhead, keen eyes watching me remorsefully.

They did not have to ask after the encounter. I dismounted in a huff, my foot getting tangled in the stirrup in the process, and when I finally managed to disentangle myself, I was too upset to speak. Artemis drew me into a gentle hug and, in a movement strange for him, motioned for Tobias to join him in the sudden intimacy. Pressed against Artemis’ chest, the scent of his skin and clothes chasing away my sorrow over my horrible encounter with Michael, I felt Tobias behind me, the gentle and platonic touch of his fingers against my face, pushing the damp strands of my hair out of my eyes—for I had begun to cry, I realized. Tears, in fact, were streaming from my eyes in wet brooks, streaking the black eyeliner that I had become accustomed to applying in the mornings.

We stood in the center of the road in silence undisturbed other than by the quiet chokes I tried in vain to stifle. I knew, then, that even if I could not repair my relationship with Michael before I took my leave of the manor in a week, I would be unable to return ever again. Michael was the sole reason for my return! I had wanted more than anything else to sit with him in his little cottage (for I was sure that he had one) and discuss over a cup of tea everything that had happened in his life. Now that seemed impossible.

"Don’t think on it now, Rocielle," Tobias whispered gently and let his forehead rest against my shoulder. "Your sadness resonates in my heart and is intolerable."

"It hurts us to see you this way," Artemis agreed somberly. He tipped my chin up to stare into his eyes. "Of course we know that this is an issue that will be long in settling; but let us talk through it so that it can go smoothly. Cry, yes, let out your emotions, but hold out hope!" His voice fell, his expression crestfallen as he kissed me. "Hope… you seem to have given it up so quickly."

"Michael forgives," I said disconsolately, "but he will never forget. And every time I see him, a memory of today will flash in his eyes and it will darken our conversations forever."

"Only if you let it," Tobias said warmly and turned me around in the embrace I shared with both of them. "Look at me, Rocielle," he went on, warm eyes gazing intently into mine. "Your brother loves you, and you love him, I surmise. That is why your quarrels are as fierce and passionate as they are, but love is behind them, and love can repair anything that might be broken between you. Remember that."

"It’s true," Artemis agreed quietly and traced his fingers through my hair. I sighed softly, a sigh of resignation to what they told me, and leaned back against Artemis.