Now,read the first paragraph again.Start from here : "Go ahead,call me a liar, a promise breaker..........."

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Hah! Who's the doink???!

Okay,that's sooo lame.Back to the topic.

I have went againts my word ,my hands got itchy( no they didn't (<_<) ,LIAR) and I made this layout.

I was really quite suprised that I coded it so fast.Okay,I admit it's a pretty easy page,but normaly,however easy the codes are to be,I end up screwing up,spending the whole day coding a simple code.So,I'm pretty proud of myself.

I tried to make this blog work like the blogs at blogspot,so I went and read the tutorial.Well,I could make it,but the pictures won't appear.I guess it's because Blogspot doesn't lemme upload pictures.So,yea,you get the picture,I hope.

I've always planned to make this table which lists all the blonde hair hotties in all the animes/mangas i have watched/read that I can remember.It's kinda ironic,they all look so hot,but in real life,everyone knows that asians with blond hair just don't look right,right?Anyway,here's the list!!!Most of 'em are my favourite characters...(^^)v

Who	Last seen in	Wanted because
Cloud Strife	Final Fantasy 7 Advent Children	He's just soooo yeng!!With his spiky hair,cool bike and he's soo useful in the game!! Omnislash!! Ask anyone and they'll tell you Cloud is so wanted! Plus,he never broke his promise to Tifa Lockheart - he promised that he'll come and save her when she was in trouble and he did! Picture taken from here
Onizuka Eikichi	Great Teacher Onizuka	He's a really perverted guy who loves biking and is a delinquent in his younger days.He then becomes a teacher just so he can see young girls in their uniforms and perhaps marry a girl who's 10 years younger!!!He's not that bad inside.Despite him being a pervert and everything,he still a virgin and helps his students alot,not academicaly,but through lessons of life. Picture taken from here
Sanzo	Gensomaden Saiyuki	He's a high ranking monk who has a gun.Yes,a loaded gun.He whacks his underlings,and is a very rude monk.He doesn't save anyone,because he only cares for himself.Yes.Mr-the-world-revolves-around-himself.But,he's just sooooooo bishie!!!His stare is so powerful,I'll admit. (>_<) Picture taken from here
Sawamura Seiji	Midori No Hibi	A 17 year old boy who has a really miserable love life.17 years X months and XX days without a girlfriend.Yup,he actually keeps track of the days!He's called a delinquent because he always gets into fights.But,he didn't ask for those fights.People just pick on him and challenge him.He's got this really strong right hand and is called Mad Dog Sawamura (kyou ken sawamura).Actually,he's far different from delinquents.He doesn't bully the weak,and doesn't forgive those delinquents who do.He wouldn't fight back when a gang took someone hostage and asked for him to come and fight in order to save his friend.The reason was,because if he gave in,more people would become hostages,so that he would take the challenge,and that wasn't right.So he'd rather be beaten up and not resist,then to risk other people's safety.Now isn't he just sooo cool?? He doesn't look cool but you'll grow to like him! Picture taken from here
Edward Elric	Full Metal Alchemist	Edward Elric is a 15 year old boy.He's also known as The Full Metal Alchemist,or rather Hagane No Renkinjustushi.He's always mistaken for a "kid" .He hates being called short,and although it was just the word "short",he'll magnify it ,and take it as an unbearable insult.For example,short,would've became "extremely-super-hyper-microscopic-bean".He's got an awfully bad temper but he's got a strong determination and cares for his little brother Alphonse alot. (by the way,Alphonse is blond too!) Picture taken from here
Vash The Stampede	Trigun	He's a 60-billion-dollar wanted man.All the Bounty hunters out there are looking for him.Most of all,he's wanted by me.XD This was the first downloaded anime I watched.I still remember that I didn't know that I could make the Windows Media Player screen bigger.XD.I was 12 back then.No one has actually seen him,but everyone has seen the damage done by him.He's supposed to be this cruel guy,but in actual fact,he has never killed anyone.He's this really funny guy who loves eating donuts.He's got broom styled hair,yellow shades and a long red trench coat too! Picture taken from here
Zell Dintch	Final Fantasy 8	Zell Dintch!!My favourite character when I was 9 years old!!He's this guu whose great at boxing,and he's got a large tattoo stretched from his forehead to below his ear level!He's really funny and can't control his temper very well! Picture taken from here
Amano Ginji	GetBackers	Well,I wouldn't say he's my favourite character,but he kinda reminds me of Vash the Stampeded from Trigun!! (scroll up)He can emit electricity from his body,just like an eel,thus the title "rai-tei" (Thunder Emperor).In this picture,he's Rai-Tei,but if you read the manga or watch the anime,he rarely looks like this..XD Picture taken from here
Tate Yuuichi	Mai HiME	He's not exactly my favourite character tooo,but he's blond,and he's nice,and the most important thing is,he'd make a good pair with Mai-chan! ^^" I'm kinda being bias here,but..who cares?! XD Picture taken from here
Howl	Howl's Moving Castle	This guy.Well,he's a real vain pot,and he isn't exactly my favourite character.But,he's acceptable and he is a bishounen,and ish very very bishie!!Anyway,although Howl's hair color seems to be blonde,he's actually a guy with black hair!!Later in the story,we learn that what matters is your heart your beliefs and how you treat people,in other words,it's the inner beauty that counts,and not your hair colour that determines how good a person you are! Picture taken from here

I'm a Romance Lover Who Posesses Great Liking for Quotes

I'm a romance lover who posesses great liking for quotes.I'm not sure why,but aliens,light sabers and UFOs just don't interest me.However,there's no use in stalking me for any quotable quotes,because,I can't produce any.I'm a mere copy-cat,just reading off other people's works.

It's weird how something I first saw 5 years ago,would still mean so much to me.After all,it's just fiction,it didn't happen to me,it's merely a movie,or rather,an anime.

It's Boys Be... I'm talking about.It was one of the first few animes I was exposed to,aired on AXN.That was when I was 10,in the year of 2000.Those days,my sister and I would rush to the TV just to watch Boys Be...

It has many quotes at every episode,and they all mean alot.The songs are wonderful,and although it's shounen,I still like the anime alot.I'm really amazed at myself.How I can really like this anime so much,that 5 years from then,I still listen to the OST,play the OSTs on the piano,and talk about the anime.My 3rd layout,themed "winter" had a quote from Boys Be from it too!

My sister managed to download the anime for me,and just two days ago,I realised she downloaded the OSTs too!!I'm so happy,must remember to thank her later! (^_<)v

So you see,the anime has dealt a great impact on me,and till today,after watching quite a sum of animes,it still has it's special place,as one of my favourite animes.Anyone who wants to watch it too,ish very welcome to ask me for the anime!

Here are the quotes.

• Spring-"Cherry Blossoms"Cherry Blossoms, the noble flower, watched many encounters over time. Cherry Blossoms, the vain flower, have watched many farewells. And again, this year, the flower open its buds in order to watch over a lot of faint but painful feelings in the season of beginnings called spring...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Spring-"Memorial Essence" Nice memories have their own scent. Whenever you're veiled in the scent, your heart can always go back to the unforgettable past together with your own scenery that will never fade...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Spring-"After Kiss" There are many books in the library. Each book has a wonderful story that will never happen in reality. But as you fall in love, reality becomes a wonderful story better than any novel...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Early Summer-"Bitter Sweet Rain"Nobody can stop the flow of time, but a moment captured in the frame of the heart will never disappear. That will be shown at the bottom of their hearts will always give off a great feeling... sweet... and bitter...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Summer-"Feeling Blue"The color blue has a calming effect on people. All the daily stress and troubles are absorbed by the blue. Awakening honest souls which have no lies. Summer... Summer... is the season that is colored by blue...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Summer-"Baseball Lovers"Not many people know when love starts. More than a friend, but not quite lovers. A delicate relationship like this changes gradually as time passes... Just like a changing seasons...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Summer-"Wind Bell"Summer days blow through fiercely with the buried feeling that something is going to happen over a summer storm. Soon, the season will change...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Autumn "Swallow"With summer's raucous noises, a simple dream seen in spring has turned into a tiny cut. The melancholy autumn wind speaks quietly of its meaning... Your hearts true self...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Autumn "Leaves" ; "Shiawase no Category"It is said that the reason why leaves fall from the branch is to allow new leaves to take their places.No matter how sad the fallen leaves look,there will always be new sprouts in spring.Perhaps, emptiness in the heart is something similar to that...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Autumn "Solitary Cross" ; "Nemurenai yoru wo daite"All sound has died out...The cold, dark night gradually fills the room.Unable to get sleep, holding on to the covers...Suddenly, that's when it strikes. As if my chest was being squeezed.Feeling like I want to cry. A painful, uneasy feeling...Yes... From the depths of my soul, a thing called "loneliness" is coming...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Autumn "First Snow Fall"Snow covers everything in white.It covers the sadness, softly..If there is hapiness, it decorates it beautifully..the snow continues to fall...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Winter "End To Beginning"An ending will come to everything in this world. It may be fate that one can never avoid...
  
  ~Kyoichi
  
  
• Next Season "Let It Be"There's nothing that won't change There's nothing that won't end It's hard to admit, but that's reality. One season ends, and a new one begins...
  
  ~Chiharu (Blond)
  
  
• It must only be a matter of a moment once it's gone...
  ~Makoto
  We should probably be able to laugh at it someday.
  ~Yumi
  But the feeling will stay forever in the depths of the heart.
  ~Kenjo
  It's precious, only here for now. It's our season.
  ~Aki
  So, one season ends, and a new one begins...
  ~Chiharu (Nitta)

L'Arc~en~Ciel
"See ya in the next world~~ yeah!"

Hooh,never thought that that's how a song will end.That's the ending of L'Arc~En'Ciel's Driver's High,also the Opening Theme song of Great Teacher Onizuka (anime).I haven't watched it and I think it's quite sucky,based on the animation itself,but I just love the comic,and the OP and ED songs!!

Here's the lyrics to Driver's High,I was quite shocked after knowing what the lyrics meant,because,Driver's High really fits Onizuka's personality and the random things he'll do. Here's the Mp3.Enjoy

Sung by: L'Arc~en~Ciel Lyrics: Hyde Composition/Arrangement: Tetsu Translated by Takayama Miyuki
atsuku natta gin no METARIKKU HA-TO doukasen ni hi wo tsukete ageru fushigi na hodo HAI na kibun sa sunabokori wo maki agete yukou	It heated up, my silver metallic heart I'll light the fuse I feel so high it's strange Let's kick some dust
himei wo majirase bousou suru kodou me no mae ni wa MISAIRU no ame	A reckless beat blends in with the shrieks Before my eyes is a rain that seems like missiles
ADORENARIN zutto nagashite boku no hou ga O-BA- HI-TO shisou bakuhatsu shite hai ni natte mo kono mama da to waratte'ru ne kitto	My adrenaline's always flowin' so it feels like it's me that's gonna overheat Even if I explode and turn into ashes I'll probably still be laughing, just like this
machi wo oikoshite kono yo no hate made buttobashite shinjuu shiyou [*] saa te wo nobashite	Blowing past the town, until the ends of the earth Let's burn rubber and die together like lovers; [*] C'mon, give me your hand! [*] "Shinjuu" is a double suicide; a lover's suicide.
chiheisen ni todoku you ni genkai made furikitte kure Woh! Clash! Into the rolling morning Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high saikou no FINA-RE wo! Yeah!	Let's cut loose until we reach our limit So we can reach the horizon Woh! Clash! Into the rolling morning Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high Towards the best finale! Yeah!
mou kazoeru gurai de bokura wa kieusete makkura na asa ga kuru ne o-ki ni iri no fuku ni saa, kigaeta nara kakedashite!	Soon enough A pitch black morning will come when we'll just wink out Once you change into your favorite clothes, we'll be off!
akireru hodo koe wo agete taikiken wo toppashiyou ze Woh! Clash! Into the rolling morning Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high hagane no tsubasa de	Let's raise our voices absurdly high and break through the atmosphere Woh! Clash! Into the rolling morning Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high With steel wings
kakenukete yo, jikangire made umaretsuki no SUPI-DO kyou na no sa Woh! Clash! Into the rolling morning Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high raise de mata aou, Yeah!	Let's keep racin' through, until time runs out 'cause we're natural-born speed demons. Woh! Clash! Into the rolling morning Flash! I'm in the coolest driver's high See ya again in the next world, Yeah!

Problem Breakout

I made a layout,a Hellsing layout.But,there's a problem.I've never faced such a problem,and I didn't expect a problem like this,thus the title "Problem Breakout".

Here's the problem : I coded the layout using Notepad,and it worked perfectly fine on my computer.After I uploaded it,it didn't work tooo well. Here's a table of what was going on,screenshots and scripts.

	On Computer	After Uploading
When the Borders were up	Click Me!	Click Me!
When the Borders were down	Click Me!	Click Me!
The coding,and the MILD difference	<td width="150" valign="top" background="left9.jpg" ALIGN="CENTER"> <img src="leftbottom9a.jpg" width="150" height="545" ALIGN="CENTER" valign="bottom"> </td> <td width="480" background="main9.jpg" valign="top"> <img src="main9.jpg" width="480"> </td>	<td width="150" valign="top" background="left9.jpg" ALIGN="CENTER"> <img src="leftbottom9a.jpg" width="150" height="545" ALIGN="CENTER" valign="bottom"> </td> <td width="480" background="main9.jpg" valign="top"> <img src="main9.jpg"> </td>
The Weird Thing	I'm sure you'd have noticed that the sole difference was the existence of the word ~width~ in the <img src="main9.jpg"> tag. The -width- should not affect anything.It has no logical reason to. While doing this,I decided to take another screen shot of the site which wasn't working.In order to do that,I had to make everything the way it was just now.So,I added the width word ,to make a malfunction,like just now. But,I realised that the site worked perfectly well! I decided to upload the "perfect-site-on-computer-but-not-good-online-version" and try to operate the "malfunctioning" site. And,I realised that the problem was still there. So in conclusion,the site worked after i altered something which wasn't relevant to the problem.After I chaged everything back to the exact same coding as the time when the site was malfunctioning,it functioned.Not believing that,I decided to start from scratch and uploaded the site again.This time,it didn't function at all. Now,isn't that kinda weird???

Hachikuro

Hachimitsu to Koroba,or rather,Hachikuro,also known as Honey and Clover.

A tale of 5 college students,and how they face life's challeges: their love life,job search,coping with their graduation thesis,helping out their teacher,doing part-time jobs,and how some of their lifes changed.

This anime has an insert song in almost every episode.The insert songs are mainly by Suneohair and Spitz.All (or most) of the songs weren't written for Hachikuro,and it's amazing how the lyrics and tune always fits the scene.

There're a few songs I like,but I can't upload them.There are just too many,and I'm running out of space on this web.I've only got 15MB,and half of that has been used up.Oh,whatever am I gonna do?!

Shoujo

Comics meant for girls,with alot of pretty boys who are oh-so-yeng,and girls who are oh-so-weak,who end up being together.

I started reading my first shoujo manga yesterday - Boys' 'N' Girl.

Well,being a girl,I kinda liked it,especially the main guy character,ahhh,so yeng,so lengzai (although sometimes he looks pathetically girlish...),so strong...lalallala.But,the girl is so pathetic!And the guy too!He's got such a huge ego that he wouldn't even save the girl until she screams his name for help.Super-duper-egoistic-guy. (<_<).....But then again..*voice trailes off*

So anyway,I finished reading and went on with another few one-volume-only-shoujo-manga......and then,I decided to read Boys' N Girl again........... (><)

Okay,main point.The problem with shoujo novels,manga and all the other books and magazines,videos and movies for young girls,is that,they are all tooo sweet to be true.The chances of having such a great boyfriend(or not so great in this case),are so low.And c'mon.Like what the quote from Boys Be... said : Each book has a wonderful story that will never happen in reality.

Okay,take CHS for example.The main character in Boys' N Girl is Tennouji,an ace basketball player,who looks yeng and is the center of attraction of everyone.He's mean,and he always pushes and bullies the main girl character,Aria and then picks her up again,and then he hurts her again,and picks her up again ....See?He's such a big meanie (><).So in CHS,the basketball players,those popular guys would be.......well,you know 'em,don't havta have me list their names out.

But at the rate their going with their girlfriends,I don't think anything like the manga would happen. (=.=)

But wait a sec,I have seen sweet couples before....so far I've seen 3 of 'em.....

Argh,whatever,but they don't happen often!

Well,basically what I'm trying to say is,that all these stories were meant for girls,and sure they were entertaining,but however much the reader(in this case,me) would want those things to come true,it'll never happen.And even if there was ONE guy like the guy in the novel/movie/book/manga/magazine/whatever,that would lead to desperation and we wouldn't want that,would we?

But I guess it's alright for pleasure reading.I can't be stuck with Shounen all the time,right?Swords fighting,gun shooting,monster fighting,vampires and witches kinda story.......

Anyway,enough excuses,I'm a girl! A bit of dream-like-romance is normal....But I do wonder why this kinda manga always makes me feel like I'm in the story,and stir up my emotions.My emotions seem to be affected by the manga alot,although nothing like this has happened to me in real life.I guess this is when the word "touching" comes in.

Confession

This post is a confession of all the things I wanna do,but can't do and all the new things that are popping up one by one,waiting for me to smack 'em down.

First things first.

Jpop/Jrock.Heck,I don't even know what I'm listening to anymore.

I normaly have no interest whatsoever in Jpop ,Jrock and Japanese trends and fashion.I only listened to Anime OSTs and Inserts.I find them wonderful and I listen to 'em over and over again.And no,I never run out of songs to play,there are just tooo many.

BUT...
I just had to play Driver's High that day.
I just had to read the lyrics.
I just had to feel that the lyrics were soo much like Onizuka.
I just had to like that song.
I just had to play it over and over again.
I just had to visit Vanessa's blog.
I just had to hear New World.
I just had to love it.
I just had to look at all the pictures Vannessa posted.
I just had to go to www.sonymusic.jp.
I just had to listen to more songs.
I just had to bump into www.hyde.com.
I just had to like L'Arc~en~Ciel.

Okay,I didn't just listen to Laruku.I heard Hirai Ken and Asian Kungfu Generation too.I quite like Hirai Ken and W-inds.Flame is just so-so,but I don't think I really like Asian Kungfu Generation yet.

Next,

I was going to buy a new pair of baggy denim pants.That pair of pants would match with all by short blouses and tank tops.It would be sooo worth it.I was sooo looking forward to shopping for it.Also,I wanted a criss-cross patterned short skirt.I wanted it for 2 years already.Right,want,not need.

But...
I just had to go broke.
Heck,I can't even remember why I was broke.
I just had to go to Canada *I'm NOT complaining about this trip*.
I just had to spend money instead of earn money doing part-time jobs.
I just had to realise that there was no money in my bank account.
I just had to be broke.

Saa,there goes my baggy pants and skirt.

Not only that,

I just had to realise that I'm spending way to much of my parent's and sister's money.
I just had to start thinking of ways to start saving money.
I just had to start thinking about the things I have to sacrifice for this and that
I just had to realise my cosplay project just couldn't be.
I just had to realise that my money will not go to shopping next year.
I just had to realise that if Lee Hom produces another CD,I won't be getting it.
I just had to realise that I won't be reading much manga next year.
I just had to realise that my PMR results may not be too good.
I just had to realise that my Japanese classes and Piano classes are taking tooo much money.
I just had to realise that Meia(my dog) is being neglected by me.
I just had to realise that while I'm here in Canada,Meia had been sent to a pet shop.
I just had to realise that Dad has to pay RM100 for each week Meia stays there.
I just had to realise that Meia has been there for a long time already.
I just had to realise that Meia's food was very expensive,because of her foot problems.
I just had to realise that I was wasting money,fast,and alot.
I just had to realise that I was soo lucky.
I just had to hate myself for realising that.
I just had to feel "what the heck?!"
I just had to be upset.
I just had to realise that I was not going to Japan for Homestay,but I'm going on a sister-trip with my sister there.
I just had to realise that I was actually getting the opportunity to go to Japan,although it wasn't for homestay.
I just had to understand that I was getting an opportunity to go overseas to further my studies,and I should just shut up and be grateful.
I just had to realise that I was lucky,very very very lucky.
I just had to realise that not all dreams come true.
I just had to realise that alot of other people's dreams go down the drain.
I just had to realise that my dream wasn't as important,in comparrisson to other people's life.
I just had to realise that the money that was going to be used for my homestay could be used to feed lots of people.
I just had to realise that I was selfish.
I just had to make my dream come true despite all my realisations.
I just can't let this dream go away.
I just had to realise that I don't even know why I want to go to Japan.
I just had to realise that life in Anime and Manga aren't totally true.
I just had to realise that Japan would be just like Malaysia,after all,we're all Asians.
I just had to realise that there was nothing special about M'sia.
I just had to realise that Japanese aren't very fond of Malaysians. *I think*
I just had to realise that no matter what,I was not going to Japan.
I just had to realise that the money I was planning to work for/save,was not going to be used for my homestay programme.
I just had to realise that my dream wasn't that important.

Even so,I would still like my dream to come true.I could just forget about those CDs and those clothes,but I have wanted to go for Homestay since form 1.I even joined the Interact Club,for that one purpose.I was so sure I would go,but I was slapped with reality,just recently.I act like I'm crazy over Edison and Lee Hom,but the truth is,they aren't that important.What's important is this.The reason I work so hard,the reason I save so much,was to go to Japan.

Maybe I looked to far into the future,I neglected the present.What was to be of my PMR results?I'm really worried I can't get into Science Stream.If I can't get in,I don't know what would happen to me.I have no interest what-so-ever in bussiness and arts.

I know that I shouldn't ask for so much.I learn the piano,I waste money going to classes and not doing my homework.I learn Japanese,for a high price.I go overseas ,and have the big opportunity to study in Canada.

Alot of people can't afford to feed their families,what more send them to these extra-curricular activities that need fees.And here I am,learning 'em. Alot of people can't afford send their kids overseas,wheter for holiday or for them to further their studies.And here I am,refusing to go to Canada,and wanting to go to Japan for Homestay,which doesn't give anything,except experience.

And that's why it pains me.
To want something I don't need.
To understand that I'm having alot,and shouldn't request for more.
To dream of the unachievable,or rather,"best-not-to-achieve".
To give up on a dream,because it was too selfish to accomplish it.

Breakdown

I don't know what's going on,but I'm having a big break down.I need someone to listen,but there's no one around.Heck,my mum asked my problem,and she ended up getting offended,losing control.What the fuck,I knew I shouldn't have told her my problems.I just need someone to listen.I don't need any fucking consolations.I have a problem.I have my solution.I just need someone to talk to.I just need someone to sit by me and listen.That person doesn't need to talk,doesn't need to console,doesn't need to do anything.He/she just needs to sit by me,and give me a listening ear.Siew Thong does that just right,maybe that's why I can talk to her so much.I wish Siew Thong was here.I wish she's here,just as usual,listening.

I'm soooooooo upset....I'm crying buckets.And my mum is the only one here,and she just turned my listening session into a heated argument.I am in no condition to argue with her,to explain to her what's actually going on.Heck,I've got enough problems to make me just pour buckets outta my sockets.Guess there's no one to listen but this place.I'll just type the fucking shit out.

I'm so upset.Destination.Everyone needs a goal,a destination in life.My first destination is very near.It's my homestay programme.I have never thought of anything else but it.And I worked very hard to achieve this dream of mine.And recently,I got slapped by reality.But that's not the point.

I just felt like I lost my goal.And I let go of it myself.No one forced me,I just came to a realisation,that it was too selfish to achieve this goal.

And I'm just feeling so lost.Lost.Lost!I don't know what to think.I don't wanna give it up,but I have to,and that's why I'm so sad.There's nothing to wish for,there's nothing to work for.And there's nothing to dream for,because the dream I'm dreaming is in a way bad,because I'd be wastinbg RM10 000 ,and a year.And that's why I'm trying to stop this ambition,this goal,but it just pains me so much.And it's giving me so much problems,that I just break down crying.AND ALL I NEED IS SOMEONE TO LISTEN DAMMIT.

Fuck,I'm not even upset that I can't go.Well,I was,a little,but now I'm trying to let go.the main problem is that I feel like I'm lost and I have to start over again.Heck,I'm not even feeling upset because of disappointment.

I just feel terrible.If only I didn't have sooo much gratefulness in me.I just need that small amout of it.Just that much.If only I had just that much gratefullness,I would walk the streets in peace.I can't even walk the streets in peace.Heck,I can't even stay in my house in peace.I start thinking :"Why do I have such a comfortable life?Why do I have parents?Why do I have enough to eat????"

And look at the strings of problems it brings!But no,the listener who was supposed to be listening,went beserk.WHY?! BECAUSE SHE THINKS THAT I'M IN NO PLACE TO MAKE THAT STATEMENT! WHY?! BECAUSE SHE HAS GONE THROUGH ALOT,MUCH MORE THAN ME,MUCH MORE THAN WHAT I CAN COMPREHEND.

Please,c'mon,I wasn't even saying that she wasn't grateful.I was saying that she had just the right amount of gratefulness.But no,some people just can't keep their cool.She started saying that my problem was that since young I couldn't accept advice and consolation.And she didn't wanna hear my problems anymore.

I mean,what the fuck...I just needed her to listen,but she takes this and turns it into that,and that says that I'M THE ONE WHO IS CHANGING STORIES.

What the fuck.I knew I couldn't talk to her about it,that's why I was just lying down and letting my tears roll down silently.If she didn't wanna listen she shouldn't have asked me about my problem.

FUCK IT GEEZ.Shitproblem.Just disappear!Stupid grateful problem.......HELL I'M NOT EVEN SAYING THAT I'M A HOLY BITCH WHO IS OH SO GRATEFUL.I'M JUST SAYING THAT I DON'T WANNA BE SO GRATEFUL.I WANNA LIVE LIKE OTHER PEOPLE,SPENDING WHEN THEY WANNA SPEND,NOT REGRETING AFTER SPENDING OR HAVING A HOLIDAY.I CAN'T WALK THE STREETS PEACEFULLY,GO SHOPPING HAPPILY.YES,I CAN,BUT AFTER THAT,I FEEL TERRIBLE,AND I START THINKING ABOUT POOR PEOPLE OUT THERE,AND HOW I HAVE TO HELP THEM.

And no,I'm not saying that you all are ungrateful imps,I'm just saying that you all have JUST ENOUGH in you.JUST ENOUGH,dammit.JUST ENOUGH!!!!WHICH PART OF JUST ENOUGH DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!

And I know it sounds like I'm just a spoilt brat who throws a tantrum whe she gets to know that things aren't going her way.I may be a spoilt brat,and maybe I'm tooo self centered.

The thing is I really wanted to go,and then I learnt that it wasn't such a good idea,because of various reasons,and I just have to give it up.I understand now,that I get the second best if I don't get the first.I SO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.But,I just find it hard to let go of this ambition,so very very hard to let go.....................And I just couldn't take it and I started crying,and so my mum asked me the problem and I told her,but she doesn't understand it.........

I just feel like I'm being pulled in two directions,one direction is telling me that I have to make sacrifices,and one of 'em is this,after all,not all dreams will come true,and that's reality;and the other direction is telling me that I shouldn't be giving this up.

Owh GOSH!Gimme a break!!!!!!It's just that all this things were being compressed and I just feel sooooooo damn upset!Well I don't expect consolation from a computer,but thanks for letting me type this hell of words out.

I always felt as if I was about to lose something....

I finished typing that second post out( breakdown ),and I refreshed the page.And what I saw gave me another thought.

I always felt as if I was about to lose something,something very important

A quote from Kumo no Mukou, Yakusoku no Basho.I just put it on the layout because it was one of the main storyline,the cause for the movie.

I never realised it would apply to me.

I always felt as if I was about to lose something?No..I didn't feel that.But looks like I have lost it,and I have to search for a new one.

I lost my goal.And I know,shoot me that question that has been on your mind "Why the heck are you still brooding over this goal of yours?!"

Answer: I don't know myself.

All I know is that I'm at a lost,and I'm trying very hard to cut clear from that goal.I'm not sure if it will work though.

Nothing Interesting

Okay,I'm very sorry that a whole string or rather,rope of foul words came outta my blabbering mouth yesterday. Refer here.It's just that I was very angry,and well,I won't say I didn't mean what I say,but I'll say that maybe my words were a little overboard.

De,hontou ni hontou ni gomen nasai,minnasan.Kino,atashi no hanashi wa chotto warukatta.Demo ne,hanashi no imi wa hontou desu yo,koto dake wa warukatta.Gomen ne.

So as I was browsing the web,looking for songs to listen to,it strucked my mind.Chole's blog that is.Her blog is always that interesting.I was reading and reading that I even forgot to reply msgs on MSN.That just shows how glued to her blog I was at that moment.

I guess there's nothing much going on in my life,now that school break is going on.And when school break is on,and when my friends are back in Malaysia,yes,that hot-humid country,with the tag-line "Malaysia,Truly Asia",I guess there's nothing interesting enough to be written.

Canada does suit me.That's solely because I am away from Malaysia,away from that hot-humid-country.But,the truth is,nothing is fun without my oh-so-beloved friends.

Ah,anyway,I'm torn.Shredded I'd like to say.I'm worried over alot of "trivial" things.From PMR results to my homestay programme,to my part-time job,to my holiday in Japan,to L'Arc~en~Ciel.Everything is just a mess.And I just got to know that PMR results are coming out on the 22nd.And you know that just grinds me.Now I'm a mass of grinded human meat.$10 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 per pound. *How many zeros did I write?*

Wallpaper!!

Having finished reading Devil&Devil,I was tempted to make a new layout.Luckily,I quickly changed my mind to start doing a wallpaper.This is the second wallpaper I have ever made,and I'm quite confused as to choose which one. I made 11 variations,don't ask me why,I just couldn't decide which one I liked!)

I have tried to place them in complete opposites.^^"

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