You Got a Problem with Schnapps? Part Two
YOU GOT SOMETHING AGAINST SCHNAPPS? Chapter Two
by
Linda
Seton
Moving carefully and quietly along the roof, Chloe edges toward
the tree. Staring out across the rolling farm country, she absently waves in the
direction of the Kent farm. For all she knows Clark might be at his telescope
and she does not want to be rude.
The tree presents itself much more
quickly than she had expected. She struggles to focus and looks up. Above her is
a sweep of midnight blue sky and white stars. "Outer Space," Chloe correctly
identifies and then she looks to the ground below. "And a long way
down."
Taking a breath, she reaches out and wraps both arms around the
tree trunk. She immediately begins to slide but the branches of the tree slow
her descent.
She lands with a soft thud in a mulberry bush at the corner
of the house. Unfazed from her drop, Chloe pulls free one of the bush's tiny
lavender berries and makes a face once it hits her tongue. "Nothing at the Lang
house is good." She claws her way to her feet and wobbles across the yard. She
looks at her red orange stained hands and lifts them to her nose. "Yum, pine
green. I need to get one of those things for my car."
Chloe saunters
toward an adjacent field.
Almost fifteen minutes later, Chloe reaches the
road that she knows will take her to her front door. "Just stay the course. And
hopefully no glowing green rocks will create a mutant to eat you. Umm, hungry."
Her stomach growls and she scans her surroundings for anything edible. A few
stray cornflowers catch her eye. She thinks they are salad flowers but can't
find the information in her addled brain that makes them safe to consume.
Teetering, she pulls blossoms free and nestles them in her hair. She resumes her
trek home.
There's the soft hum of some sort of motor fast approaching
and Chloe glances up for the flying saucer. Instead, a car rounds a corner and
Chloe steps back to watch the silver Aston Martin roll past. Her eyes accustomed
to the dark, Chloe immediately recognizes Lex Luthor as the driver. He sees her
and his face registers surprise.
"Ha, sexy Lexy!" Chloe mutters as the
car disappears around the bend. Not really in the mood to talk to Lex and half
afraid he might come back, Chloe veers off the main roadway and onto a narrow
side path. She walks with arms pumping for about thirty seconds.
Suddenly
very tired, she plops down and flops back in the soft fronds of the ferns that
edge the roadway. Yawning, she stretches back and her hand connects with
something solid. She spins up to her feet and tries to brace for the worst.
Half-hidden in shadow, a wild watermelon challenges the tipsy girl.
"Oh."
Chloe says logically enough. She bends down and pulls the melon free of the
vine. About the size of a small bowling ball the watermelon is encased in a blue
green rind that refuses to be punctured by Chloe's desperate fingers. "You're
coming with me." Chloe weaves back out onto the lane with the melon under her
arm. "And no monkey, or beaver or manatee is going to take you from me. I need
to find a rock." She motions as if she were hurling the watermelon down at the
ground.
She toddles along in search of a rock but the unpaved roadway
offers up nothing but sand. �It�s like being in a desert. Sand, sand everywhere
and not a rock to break. Or something.�
The world suddenly shifts under
Chloe�s feet and she drops the watermelon as her hand flies to her mouth. She
tramples over the weeds bordering the roadway before coming to a stop and
heaving up the schnapps in a cluster of goldenrod.
Eyes filled with tears
and her skin a shocking pink, Chloe finds the mints in her pocket and
self-medicates. She retrieves her watermelon and resumes her journey.
She
weaves up a steep incline in the road and has an unobstructed view of the
horizon line. Metropolis lies somewhere just beyond and the lights of the
distant city streak the sky a sort of sunset orange. Chloe wishes she were in
Metropolis. If she were drunk in her old home town she could flag down a cab and
be driven home.
A breeze begins to blow and a small tumbleweed rattles
past. No, Chloe realizes she is very far from an actual city with amenities to
get drunken girls dinner and transportation.
�Amenities,� Chloe says
aloud. Her brain just used the word amenities. She realizes she is sobering up.
She tries to remember the words to the National Anthem. �O beautiful for
spacious skies,,/For amber waves of grain, /For purple mountain
majesty��
Chloe stops singing. �America the Beautiful� is not the
National Anthem. The �Star-Spangled Banner� is the National Anthem. Chloe
remembers that the song was written by Francis Scott Key during the War of 1812
but the lyrics are lost in the muddle that is her brain.
She picks up
speed and comes to a crossroads. She tries to figure out what sober Chloe would
do. One path is partially overgrown with brambles and twining wisteria while the
other is relatively clear. She takes the more difficult path and wades through
feathery leaves and cerulean flowers. She makes it about a hundred yards before
the path ends. She tries to find her way back but gets further
confused.
She tries a sharp diagonal and bumbles out of the brush onto
another roadway. �Yep, lost.�
Chloe realizes she has stopped walking and
forces herself to move. Then there are car headlights again and she shields her
eyes as Lex Luthor pulls up beside her.
He leans out the window. "Chloe
are you all right?"
On the verge of tears she explains, "I've been
schnapped and I can't find my way home."
Completely unprepared for that
response, Lex laughs. Chloe shrugs and resumes walking.
"Get in the car,
Chloe!" He calls after her.
Still clutching the watermelon, she waves him
off and stumbles along.
He puts the car in park and pursues her. "Chloe
come with me. I'll take you home."
Chloe turns and hands him the
watermelon. "Thanks." She rambles over to the passenger door and tries without
success to get the car to let her in. Before she can manage to wander off, Lex
rushes over and opens the door for her. Sighing she sits down with her feet
hanging out of the car.
He cautiously grabs her by both ankles and puts
both feet on the floorboard of the car. He slams the door and realizes he still
has possession of the watermelon. He starts to toss it and a scowling Chloe taps
fiercely on the window.
He tucks the melon under one arm as he pulls his
car keys out of his pocket. He hurries to the driver�s side before Chloe
escapes.
All in one move, Lex slides behind the wheel and hands off the
watermelon.
�Thanks.� Chloe clutches the melon.
�Are you all
right? Did someone hurt you?�
�Oh, I�m completely responsible for my own
drunkenness. And my being lost. You�re the first person I�ve seen in ages. How
are you?�
"Fine, thanks." Lex answers levelly. He has a feeling that
coming to the rescue of drunken girl is probably going to cost him. Trying to
avoid any real contact, he leans over and pulls the seatbelt across her. She
seems mesmerized by the whole procedure. He clicks the buckle into place. "Where
did you come from, Chloe?"
"I just escaped from a sleepover at Lana
Lang's. And I�ve been pushed to the brink. Pink and blue stuff everywhere. Nail
polish and pillow fights and every other clich� you could possibly dream
up."
"Ouija board?"
"No. I think that might be a little too
progressive for that crowd. They have a tickling game, though. I personally
think ten should be the cut off age for same-sex tickling. It just gets weird
after that."
"Sounds like expos� material, to me." Lex starts the car
and squints out at unfamiliar surroundings.
Chloe's stomach growls. "And
they don't feed you." Her stomach growls again. "Lex, what did you have for
dinner? I'm eating by proxy."
"Poached salmon with
asparagus."
"How was it?"
"Everything was doused in this
Thai-style orchid butter with chestnuts which I didn�t really care for. Dessert
was a bittersweet chocolate torte. A little dry."
"Oh, I'm regretting
throwing away all those sides of cafeteria macaroni and cheese. Everything about
the dish, including the noodles, is always a burnt orange color which up until
now I thought was a sign of inedibility."
"Did you throw
up?"
Confused, Chloe looks around the interior of the car.
"No, I
mean before."
"Yes. But I had a mint." She checks her breath in her
cupped hand.
Lex laughs. "It's not that. Most drunks can't pronounce
'inedibility'."
"Are we lost? Chloe asks as she presses her face against
the window. She recognizes a barren spot in the smear of forest green and
realizes they must be going in circles.
"To retrieve you I had to drive
down a series of tiny little roads. And the navigation system just told me to
stop."
"Pushy navigation system." Chloe swings around and squints at the
teal blue display screen. "'Stop' with an exclamation point. That is
aggressive."
Lex brakes and steers off the road into a small
clearing.
The computer begins to flash: "Triangulating".
"This
might take a minute." Lex offers.
"Uhm." Chloe unbuckles, opens the car
door and is off with melon in hand.
"Chloe!" Lex gives chase. "Where are
you going?"
"I don't know." Chloe sits down with a thud. "I'm just so
tired. Climbing down the tree..." She trails off with a sigh.
"You
climbed down a tree?" Lex kneels beside her.
"Just two stories of tree."
Chloe holds up both hands which are sepia tinged in the moonlight.
"To
escape from a sleepover you risked breaking your neck."
"Have you ever
been to a girl's sleepover?"
"A few."
Chloe laughs. "You might
have liked this one. You were voted sexiest Smallvillian."
"Money,
clothes, cars?"
"If it's any comfort I suggested your father using the
same criteria and you still won."
"The fact that you nominated my father
makes me more than a little uncomfortable."
Chloe laughs. "With all that
hair....does your father even have a neck?"
"Sort of. But if you unknot
his navy blue tie his head comes off." He draws her to her feet and begins to
lead her back to the car. "You weren't afraid wandering around the backwoods of
Smallville by yourself?"
"I had a stray thought about a timberwolf but
figured it had probably been hunted to extinction."
"I don't know. There
might be a few wolves left in Kansas." He purposefully says the words in the
most arch manner possible.
She makes eye contact with him and starts to
laugh. He exhales a little. She is neither flirty nor touchy which is usually
his least favorite type of drunken woman.
"You looked surprised when you
saw me." Chloe tries not to giggle.
"I was half asleep behind the wheel
and I honestly thought you were the ghost of Carole Lombard."
"Carole
Lombard was married to Clark Gable. 'Frankly, Scarlet I don't give a damn.'"
Chloe concentrates, "Clark Gable...Clark Kent. Is that the
extrap...extrap..."
"Extrapolation? Purely unintentional on my
part."
"Good."
Lex checks over his shoulder. They are closing in
on the car. "So, what's the attraction, Chloe?"
Her forehead wrinkles.
"Clark? Clark is tall, dark, handsome and a much better person than I
am."
"What?"
"I sometimes think I'm not very nice. A lot of people
have told me I'm not very nice. I don't think anyone all the way from the
Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific blue has ever told Clark he isn't nice. Even
Spitney. Or the mutants."
"Nice isn't 'better', Chloe."
"You know
what I mean. Clark will sacrifice everything to help someone. I think there are
some things I'd never be willing to sacrifice."
"I think that makes you
human, Chloe."
"And Clark's not." The words are more statement than
question. She stops shuffling along and seems about to continue when she is
suddenly attracted by the button at her eye level on Lex's shirt. "Is that red
violet or violet red?" With pincher like fingers she takes hold of the button.
Lex shifts back and throws Chloe off balance.
She teeters and topples.
The watermelon explodes between the ground and her ribs and knocks most of the
air out of her lungs. Surprised, she looks up at Lex and manages to huff the
single syllable, "Ow."
He drops beside her. "Just breathe,
Chloe."
She gives him a "yeah, right" stare as she recovers. Finally she
offers, "You've got that look. 'I hope she's not broken so I don't have to take
her to the hospital'."
"Are you broken?"
"No. Someone should have
told me when you drink your bones turn to rubber."
He helps her to her
feet and she shakes the watermelon remnants from her pjs. Somewhat covertly, she
rescues one stray piece of melon and eats it. "I know, I'm a pig. Pink juice
everywhere. You shouldn't let me back in the car."
"My father has all the
cars stocked with body bags. I could just put you in one of
those."
"Despite the attempt at black comedy I think you're probably a
better human being than Clark." She resumes her pre-accident
conversation.
He laughs. "Now, I know you're drunk."
"You mean me
falling on a watermelon wasn't proof? No, really. You drove past me and you had
to really consider coming back to get me. Clark would have just slammed on the
brakes but you must have done some major thinking. Famous rich guy with schnappy
teenager. Here's the right thing to do and the consequences. A flat tire, a
speeding ticket, me choking to death on my own vomit. Even with the whole
daughter-of-employee, friend-of-friend thing I might have left me."
"I
think you're worth rescuing on your own merits, Chloe."
"Sweet. So far
this evening you've told me I looked like a dead movie star and told me I had
some personal worth." She grows very still and seems to be considering something
very serious. "Lex?"
He braces for flirtation.
"Do you have any
food?"
More than a little relieved, Lex hurries back to the car and
returns with a mahogany box.
She takes the offered item and opens the
lid. Within the box, a regiment of chocolate covered espresso beans, alternating
from a burnt sienna to a raw sienna in color, are neatly lined into columns.
�The paler of the two is soaked in an orange liquor so maybe you should
avoid those.�
Chloe takes a few of the beans from the top and begins to
chew. With each candy removed more of the velvet maroon lining of the box is
exposed. �The Luthors cannot eat espresso beans out of a bag like the rest of
the common folk?�
�Only money bags from Fort Knox.�
�If I were
very rich you know what I�d do?�
�Buy the DAILY PLANET?�
�Just
very rich. Not wealthy. Not conglomeratey or empire building.�
�A
bottom-feeder among the moneyed?�
�Yes. If I were, I�d buy a Vespi
scooter -- aquamarine. And I�d have someone to read to me while I was doing
stuff that made it otherwise difficult to read.�
�Wouldn�t it be easier
to pay someone to do the difficult stuff while you read?�
�I guess. But I
don�t think I�m going to ever make it through Proust unless someone reads it to
me.�
�Mme Loiseau avait beau avoir � sa fen�tre des fuchsias, qui
prenaient la mauvaise habitude de laisser leurs branches courir toujours partout
t�te baiss�e, et dont les fleurs n'avaient rien de plus press�, quand elles
�taient assez grandes, que d'aller rafra�chir leurs joues violettes et
congestionn�es contre la sombre fa�ade de l'�glise, les fuchsias ne devenaient
pas sacr�s pour cela pour moi.�
Chloe smiles and applauds. "I understood
about four words. French might be the way to go with Proust."
"He's as
tedious in French as he is in English."
"I'm sorry, Lex."
"For
what? Proust being a bore?"
"No. This must be really tedious for you.
Babysitting someone hopped up on schnapps. And I got you lost."
Before
Lex can answer there is a persistent beeping from inside the car.
"I
think we are now found."
He moves to take Chloe's arm but she shakes her
head. "The chocolate and coffee beans seem to be working."
Clutching the
espresso box, she moves slowly and carefully to the passenger door of the car.
She negotiates the handle and drops into the seat.
Lex gets behind the
wheel. The onboard navigation system offers a map of the field and the bordering
roadway with a glowing tracking line.
"That's amazing. I never fully
appreciated the power of spy satellites until this second."
Lex starts
the car and drives in silence for a moment. "Do you mind music?"
"It's
not something Lana's friends would listen to is it?"
"I hope not." Lex
switches on the CD player and Pulp in acoustic mode begins, "Am I talking too
fast or are you just playing dumb? If you want I can write it down. It should
matter to you, cos aren't you the one, with your razzmatazz and the nights on
the town?"
Chloe hums along absently and then looks at her wrist. �When I
started this evening I had a copper bracelet. I hope it�s still at Lana�s.�
Chloe slides a little lower in the seat. �I wanted the one with the stone,
turquoise blue, but then I found out that it was paste. Who wants something that
isn�t real?�
Lex considers the comment and turns to the girl. She is
asleep.
He exhales and drives down the dark roadway. As he approaches the
neighborhood of the Sullivan house, he turns off the headlights and glides to a
stop.
"Chloe, you're home." Lex puts the car in park and realizes that
his passenger has fallen into a very deep sleep. He shakes her shoulder but she
does not stir. He sits quietly for a moment trying to figure out his next move.
The Lex of old would have hauled her out of the car and left her in front of the
house. But now...
He gets out of the car, leaving his door open, and
moves to the passenger side. He scans the house. All clean white paint and
spring green trim, the house is a postcard of suburbia. He bets there is a
welcome mat. And Lex thinks that the man with the worst reputation of anyone for
probably well over a thousand miles in all directions is going to knock on the
door at 3:00 AM and turn over a pajama-wearing, drunken, sticky teenage girl. He
cannot decide which of those things 'pajama-wearing', 'drunken', 'sticky' or
'teenage' is most likely to get his jaw broken. Probably, 'sticky'.
He
leans in and unbuckles the girl's seatbelt. Hopeful, he jostles Chloe but she
sleeps on. With a sigh, he hoists her out and staggers back surprised by the
weight. The petite girl who looks rather wispy on her feet weighs more than he
expected. It could be the large brain...or maybe the attitude.
He is half
way up the drive when Chloe's eyes flutter open. She realizes where she is,
there is a flash of blue violet and then suddenly she is on her feet in front of
Lex. He has no idea how she managed the maneuver and is sure Jackie Chan would
have been impressed.
She looks at him with wide-eyes and whispers, "Are
you crazy?"
Lex realizes this is Rhetorical Chloe and makes no attempt to
answer.
"Get out of here before you get yourself arrested and me sent to
an all girl's school." Chloe backs up the sidewalk toward the house. She
whispers, "You should have just left me at the mailbox. Lex Luthor wins Purple
Heart for roadside gallantry and stupidity."
He stays long enough to
watch her slip into the house.
