Edgar Allan Poe In My Own Backyard: Chapter five
EDGAR ALLAN POE IN MY OWN BACKYARD: Part five
by Linda Seaton
Clark and
the two Petes linger outside one of the windows of the house watching Lester
Luthor pace the floor of the study. He has changed into a pale violet shirt and
black pants. The cashmere sweater rests in a nearby trashcan.
“He’s kinda
got that Lionel Luthor thing going on,” Pete whispers.
“I’m going to try
to talk with him.” Clark straightens. “You two stay here. If anything happens
I’m depending on you to find Lana and get her out of there.”
The two
Petes nod as they hang back watching Clark go to the door. He
knocks.
Lester screams, “Come on in!”
Clark obeys and the two
Petes watch through the window as he approaches Lester.
“Hey, Lex. How
you doing?”
“Good, good. I seem to have lost all my servants. And I
thought you were the Justice of the Peace.”
Clark smiles and swings his
arms. “I brought the firewood and I just wanted to see if you needed anything
else.”
“I need to pay you, right?” Searching his pockets, Lester stalks
around the room.
“You usually keep the money in that cabinet beside your
desk.” Clark offers helpfully.
“Right, right, follow me.”
Clark
trails after Lester and scans the upstairs of the mansion with his x-ray vision.
He makes out a small Lana-like skeleton pounding on one of the bedroom
doors.
“Are you all on your own this evening, Lex?” Clark follows Lester
in Lex’s office.
“No, I’ve gotten Lana Lang imprisoned upstairs as a
means to lure Chloe Sullivan to the house.” Lester reaches the cabinet and pulls
open the bottom drawer. He marvels at the huge pile of cash trapped under a
softball-sized glowing green meteor rock. Lester mumbles, "Paperweight...money
weight...” He chucks the rock behind him. The meteor cracks into Clark’s
forehead and he collapses to the floor with the stone resting on his
brow.
Straightening with money in hand, Lester notices the prone Clark.
He stomps over. “Hey, monkey-looking boy. Here’s your money.” He drops several
hundred-dollar bills on Clark. No response. Lester nudges him with his foot.
Before he can do anything else to Clark, Lester is distracted by the knocking at
the door.
“Coming!”
Lester rushes over to the door and swings it
open to reveal a frail little old man. The man focuses on Lester and explains,
“I’m Jeb Tremel, the Justice of the Peace.”
“Right this way. Do you mind
waiting a few minutes? The bride should be here soon.” Lester lays hands on Jeb
and half carries him into the room. “Would you like a drink?”
Jeb
brightens.
Outside the window the two Petes crouch down in the
bushes.
“We’ve gotta help Clark!” Pete starts inching toward the door but
Faux Pete pulls him back.
“We can’t do anything for Clark. We’ve got to
get to Lana. We promised.”
Pete reaches out and lays a hand on his
doppelganger’s shoulder. “You’re right. Let’s try that door we were using when
we were pretending to be servants.”
The two Petes hustle off just as Lex
parks the car, headlights off, at the edge of the drive. He and Chloe slide out
of the car and creep up the walkway toward the house.
“You have a plan?”
Chloe asks softly.
“Not a plan so much as a course of
action.”
“You’re going to charge into the house and try to throttle him,
aren’t you?” Chloe shakes the handcuffs. “Remember, I am a girl and I fight like
one.”
“Just stay out of the way.”
He sets off at a brisk walk and
drags Chloe behind him. Shoving open the door, Lex beelines toward his office
where Lester is sipping scotch with the Justice of the Peace.
Lester sees
Chloe and smiles broadly. “Chloe!”
Chloe and Lex stop in their tracks as
they access the roughly 6’ 5” 300lb Lester and the unconscious
Clark.
Chloe makes the smallest of sounds and merely shakes her
head.
Lex begins. “What are you doing in my house?”
“I don’t know
what you’re talking about. I’m Lex Luthor. This is where I live and
reside.”
Lex turns an unhealthy pink and closes in on Lester. Chloe
follows with her free hand covering her eyes.
“You’re one of my father’s
mistakes, aren’t you? Lucien? No, Lucien was the one with a cleft palette. You
must be Lester.”
Lester shifts uncomfortably at the mention of his real
name. “My name is Lex Luthor.”
“No, I AM Lex Luthor. You might pretend
that you’re me but we both know the truth.”
“I’m Lex!” Lester
whines.
“What’s Lex’s favorite color?”
“Blue!”
Lex touches
the collar of his lavender shirt and smirks at Lester’s identical piece of
clothing.
Lester trembles. “I like purple?”
“It’s the color of
royalty. Blue is the color of sad people. Sad like you, Lester.”
Lester
screams. He shakes his fists over his head. “I hate purple!” He rips his shirt
off revealing a body that is actually 3% body fat. He charges Lex, grabs him by
his collar and head butts him.
Lex crumples to the floor and pulls Chloe
off her feet. She lands on her stomach and stares up at Lester.
He kneels
down and gently strokes her hair. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
“No. I’m
fine...Lex.”
“Good.” He inspects the handcuffs. Grabbing the chain that
links the two cuffs, he snaps it without any real effort. He hoists Chloe up.
“You’re just in time.”
“Time for what?” Chloe asks the question even
though she knows the answer will terrify her.
“Time for us to get
married.”
Chloe just looks at him for a moment. “We can’t get married
Lex. Where are we going to find a minister at this time of night?”
“I’ve
already got a Justice of the Peace.”
He gestures toward the tipsy Jeb who
waves. “Congratulations!”
“And we need at least one witness.” She looks
to both Clark and Lex. “One conscious witness.”
“Lana Lang is upstairs.
She’ll help you get ready. I picked out a gown for you.”
“Lex, I’m not
sure I’d be the ideal wife for you. I mean, I talk a lot. And, I’m pretty
sarcastic. And, and I’m constantly endangering my life and my friends’
lives.”
“I love to hear you talk. And if someone tries to hurt you.” He
grinds his fist into his palm.
Chloe smiles a little warily and lets him
lead her up the stairs.
They reach the first landing and approach the
room where Lana is being held. The two Pete’s are fighting to get the lock
open.
“The driver’s license just isn’t working.”
“Why do you keep
our driver’s license in your boxers?”
Lester comes up behind them and
grabs them both by their arms.
Chloe blinks at the two Petes but takes it
all in stride.
Lester unlocks the door and forces Chloe into the bedroom.
He looks to the two Petes. “Which of you tried to kill me?”
Faux Pete
lifts his hand.
“Okay, I wanna keep an eye on you. You’re going to be the
best man.”
Lester shoves the other Pete into the bedroom and locks the
door.
A relieved Lana hugs Chloe and then Pete. “What’s going
on?”
“I’m marrying Lex Luthor.” Chloe sits on the bed.
“The fake
one, right?” Pete asks.
“Yep.” Chloe drops on the bed.
There’s a
violent knocking on the door. Lester shouts, “You’ve got ten
minutes!”
Chloe lifts her head and tugs her cell phone out of pocket. She
dials.
“Of course, the police!” Lana whispers.
“Hello, Mr. Kent.
This is Chloe Sullivan. A Lex Luthor has Lana Lang and I locked in one of his
bedrooms. And it appears I’m going to be forced to marry him in ten minutes. Mr.
Kent?”
At the Kent farm the phone rests on the floor as Jonathan rushes
out the door with shotgun in hand.
Back in their holding area, Chloe
straightens. “I think he’ll be here faster than the police. You two help me find
that dress. We need to stall for time.”
All three begin to check the
closets in the room.
Downstairs in Lex's office, Clark stirs. Still
resting on his forehead, the meteor rock pulsates between his eyes taunting him.
He struggles to move his arms.
His twitches draw the attention of Jeb,
the Justice of the Peace, who looms over him with a highball.
“You need
some help, son?”
Clark tries to speak.
“Hey, Justice?!” Lester
shouts from the adjoining room.
Jeb toddles off leaving Clark to his own
devices, such as they are.
Swaying just a little, Jeb makes it out into
the main entry of the house. Lester postures with his .45 in hand pointing out
the respective places of the wedding party.
Faux Pete stands to the left
of the stairs and Lana lingers at the top.
“Justice, just stand right
here.” Lester places Jeb near Faux Pete and then races across the room to
retrieve a portable CD player. He punches play. The Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin
begins and Lester gestures to Lana with the gun. Acting as a sort of bridesmaid,
she slowly begins to descend the stairs.
Then comes the distant sounds of
a helicopter’s rotors.
Seated in the helicopter, Lionel Luthor speaks in
a low and strangely flat voice to whomever is on the other end on the cell
phone.
“Do what you can to stop those two. And the Bulgarian woman.
Whatever it takes.”
He puts the phone down and sits placidly looking out
at the dark farmland sweeping by. In no particular order today, Lionel had found
out that Lester had given away two top secret dossiers, had been spotted chasing
two young men in their underwear and had bought a lot of women's
clothes.
The castle appears as a blaze of light in the distance and
Lionel leans toward the pilot.
“Put me down as close as you
can.”
The roar of the helicopter almost drowns out the bridal march as
Chloe, on Pete’s arm, appears at the top of the stairs. Chloe’s wedding gown
looks like she just escaped from assisting a magician in a Vegas lounge act. The
white dress hits just above the knee and the skirt and sleeves of the disaster
are nothing but flouncy feathers.
Pete instinctively looks up as the
helicopter flies over. He whispers to Chloe as they continue their descent.
“What’s that?”
“I’m hoping it’s the Calvary.” Chloe smiles and slows her
pace even more.
In the nearby office, Lex eyes flash open when he hears
the helicopter. Struggling to get his bearings, he forces himself onto his hands
and knees. He sees Clark and half-crawls and staggers toward his
friend.
Pretending to be unconscious, Clark allows Lex to shake him hard
enough to send the meteor fragment sliding across the room.
“Clark?”
“Hmmmm, Lex?”
Giving up on rousing his friend,
Lex forces himself across the room. He grabs his fencing foil and tosses it
aside as his attention is drawn to the bronze mace mounted on the wall. Heavy
steel re-enforced handle, thick chain and two dangling spiked balls -- Lex
realizes the mace is the perfect weapon when dealing with barbarians. He hefts
it free and marches toward the strains of Lohengrin.
Clark jumps to his
feet and quietly follows.
Outside the mansion, Lionel Luthor prowls
toward the front door. Spotting Lex’s car, he realizes his real son is probably
very much alive. He smiles.
“Luthor!”
Lionel turns as Jonathan
Kent charges toward him with a shotgun.
“Jonathan Kent. What are you
doing here?”
“I’m going to stop your madman of a son from marrying Chloe
Sullivan.”
Lionel blinks at him. “Married? Without a pre-nup!?” He hurls
himself toward the front door with Jonathan at his side.
A surprised
Lionel staggers back from the locked door. “The new Lex is an idiot but at least
he’s responsible enough to lock the door.”
“The new Lex?”
“Oh,
never mind. Just use that gun to get this door open.”
Inside, Chloe
reaches the bottom of the stairs and Lester joyfully shoves Pete out of the way
to take her arm. Faux Pete catches his double and the two stand side by
side.
Jeb smiles over the proceedings and begins, “Hello, folks, we are
gathered here today to unite this man, Lex Luthor...”
“No, we are not!”
Lex slides into the room and, with rage on his side, beans Lester on the top of
the head.
Lester’s hand goes to his scalp. “It already hurts from being
shaved!” And Lester passes out in a big shirtless heap just as Jonathan Kent
blows a hole through the door with his shotgun.
Through the plume of
smoke, Lionel reaches in the gap and unlocks the door.
He steps inside
with Jonathan at his shoulder.
The scene that greets them includes a
mace-wielding Lex, an unconscious Lester, a confused looking Clark, an equally
confused looking Lana, a feathered-wedding dress clad Chloe, the two
boxer-short-wearing Petes and a hiccuping Justice of the Peace.
Lionel
Luthor is actually shocked into silence.
Lex sees his father and charges
with the mace in hand. “If you ever try to replace me again I will kill you. And
replace you with that cousin of yours that you hate so much! The one who gives
half his income to charity!”
Lionel grins, steps forward and kisses his
son on the top of the head.
Lex looks very uncomfortable, as does
everyone else in the room.
“Lex, we have to try to undo some of the
damage that buffoon has managed to inflict on LuthorCorp.” Lionel hurries off in
the direction of the office.
With Clark at his side, Jonathan walks over
to the two girls and the two Petes. “Is everyone okay?”
There’s a low
affirmative murmur from the group.
Pete looks to Lex. “I hate to admit it
but you had the coolest moment. Whacking that guy with the mace. That was
awesome.”
“Lex!” Lionel’s voice booms from an adjoining room.
“I’m
considering carrying it with me at all times. I’ll be back.” Lex charges out of
the room with the mace on his shoulder.
Clark moves over to Chloe and
Lana. He surveys Chloe's gown and smiles. “I like your dress.”
Chloe
looks to Lana and they both crack up. Clark shrugs.
“What about?”
Jonathan asks as he glances from one Pete to the other.
Chloe gasps
between giggles. “Something similar happened a couple years ago to that farmer
on Newley Road. The double just evaporated after a few weeks.”
Standing
beside the unconscious Lester, Faux Pete sighs.
“Hey?” Lester whispers
softly catching Faux Pete’s attention. “Let’s get out of here. That helicopter
is probably loaded with emergency money. If you’ve only got two weeks you
shouldn’t be stuck in this loony town.”
“You’re not dead?” Faux Pete
mutters without looking down.
“I didn’t wanna get married. She’s shorter
than I thought but I didn't wanna hurt her feelings.”
Faux Pete looks to
the smoking door. “On the count of three.”
As soon as he says the word
“three” Lester is off and running. Faux Pete gives chase.
“Hey!” Clark
yells which doesn’t stop Lester or Faux Pete but it does flush out Lionel and
Lex.
The helicopter rotors hum to life and Lionel realizes what is going
to happen, “They’re hijacking it!”
He tears off after the two and Lex
nods to his guest. “Pardon me.” He pursues his father.
Outside, Lionel
shields his eyes as the helicopter kicks up debris and dust. It shoots off into
the night sky with Lester and Faux Pete waving goodbye.
“When the
insurance company calls what should I say?”
“Tell them whatever you
want.” Lionel almost hisses as he rushes back toward the castle.
“Oh, and
Dad, I broke into the bank and stole your land grant book. It's been
shredded.”
Lionel swirls around, “It’s good to have you back
son!”
He strides back toward the house leaving Lex to watch the
helicopter as it disappears over the first bank of trees.
