Our Story
After a lengthy session of semi-private display of affection with Siobahn MacDougal, better known as the Silver Banshee, NoMattsLand appeared to have not only survived, but triumphed. Siobahn, more than satisfied with the evening and never having actually threatened to kill the intrepid office boy anyway, revealed to him the identity of the one behind the murder of Vesper Fairchild and the framing of Bruce Wayne. Immediately upon the heels of this revelation however, the guilty party burst in with the intent to silence NoMattsLand for good! We now rejoin our hero in his final confrontation with his mysterious opponant after he has valiently shoved his date into a utility closet in a misguided effort to protect her.
"At least tell me why you did it!"
"Why? Isn't it obvious?"
"Well actually, no. If it was obvious, I wouldn't have asked."
"I DID IT FOR THE PEOPLE! THEIR TRUST WAS BEING BETRAYED! THEY WERE NO LONGER ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEIR OWN HEROS! ..."
One hour later, after NoMatts has gotten himself a chair, the Banshee's emerged from the closet and NoMatts has gotten her a chair too...
"... and further more, he had no right to decide to start changing his own clothes! Who gave him that right? The outfit was grey! GREY! Not black! I had to do it to stop the cancer here before it moved to Metropolis... ARE YOU TWO MAKING OUT??"
"..mmf! Sorry! But I didn't have any idea when you going to finish!"
"And you were terribly boring."
"Yeah, and you were terribly boring- hey! Don't provoke him!"
"THIS IS NOT BORING! IT'S SERIOUS!"
"You've been going on about Batman's outfit for over an hour now. I don't understand how this connects to killing Ms. Fairchild and framing Bruce Wayne for it."
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING?? BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN! I HAD TO FRAME BRUCE WAYNE SO HE WOULD BE FREE TO BE BATMAN ALL THE TIME AND COME TO UNDERSTAND THE VALUE OF HIS ONE TRUE COSTUME! HE HAS TOO MUCH INFLUENCE TO BE ALLOWED TO CHANGE HIS CLOTHES!"
"Mr. Wayne is Batman? Sheyah, right!"
"HE IS!"
"Riiight. Let me get this straight: you murdered a woman, framed Mr. Wayne for it to get Batman to stop changing his clothes on the off chance that if Batman changed his clothes then others like - oh say, Superman - might decide it's okay to change their clothes too?"
"You understand at last."
"You're a fruitcake."
"Well you're a dead man!"
"Gak!"
"Excuse me."
"WHAT? I HAVE TO KILL HIM ALEADY!"
"I never did get your last name?"
"It's LORD- uh oh..."
"Thank you. That's all I needed to know...
"As I know thee, so shall I slay thee!"
The unearthly sound of the Banshee's Wail rippled through Gotham, loosening dental fillings for a radius of two miles and building up a harmonic in the soil that rebounded through the bedrock all the way to the Batcave, where it struck just the right frequency to shatter the display case containing Batman's grey costume.
Meanwhile, after the dust settled...
"'Tis safe to uncover your ears now, Matts darling."
"Oi!"
"Are you alright?"
"Ow. Can't hear."
"I'm sorry..."
"I'd like to see you again though."
"Really?"
"Was that a yes or a no? I never learned to read- mmf! Mmmm..."
"Mmm..."
And so it came to pass that NoMattsLand overcame his necrophobia and spent the rest of the Halloween Ball in a broom closet with Siobahn. Far from breaking up the ball, Siobahn blood-curdling scream put everyone in the Halloween mood and as terror-aroused couples were driven into each others' arms. This had an additional benefit when Lacey and Leighgion were mistaken for a real lesbian couple by a conservative city councilman who later changed his position on gay marriage after witnessing the "..unmistakably genuine love between two women clinging to each other during a moment of pure terror." Lacey declined to comment and Leighgion's only statement on the matter was: "Figures."
Bruce Wayne was cleared all charges, and in appreciation, NoMatts was promoted to Monochome Photocopy Overseer, a position of considerably more focused responsibilities but with correspondingly greater benefits, including full discretionary photocopier use. Eventually, our hero would ask Siobahn to accompany him to the office Christmas party to meet all of his co-workers, but that is a another tale.