7th Dimension Bar & Grill

If you ever find yourself in hyperspace, turn your radio to 92.4, moisten the antenna with Diet Pepsi, downshift, and just as the reddish haze turns to a reddish brown haze, vent a little tachyon. It won't take much, just for a second or two. After the blinding flash, you'll find yourself in the 7th Dimension. Follow the signs to the 7-D Bar and Grille and resist the urge to pull out an autograph book.

"7-D B&G" is where fictional characters go to see and be seen when they're not starring in novels, screenplays comicbooks and other stories. At the bar you might see Jay Gatsby hanging out with Han Solo. In the Lounge you could see Ford, Trillian, Arthur, and Zephod partying with Sam Spade, Oliver Twist, Londo and G'Kar. In the diningroom you might spot Romeo and Juliet on a doubledate with Archie and Veronica. 

The night I went, The Joker was buying a round for the whole bar. This made me kind of nervous, but Dave Copperfield assured me it was okay and I shouldn't confuse the man with the roles he plays. "He just wrapped on another Elseworld, so he's feeling pretty good." 

"Why shouldn't he," muttered King Lear, "He had another death scene. In my day we only got one, you know." 

"I've never been clear on how that works either" Dr. Watson chimed in. "Medically speaking, a death scene means you've died. What kind of stories can you play after that. You can't move, can't talk..."

"It's his agent," growled an envious voice. I turned. Ra's Al Guhl had spoken. I would have expected a more impressive figure. He's so intimidating in his comic appearances - all those centuries of knowledge, those hypnotic eyes, that megalomaniacal vision. "Muse-2" he went on, and his shoulders slumped a little. 

"But Ra's," I said, "You're easily as important a villain as he is -You're a mastermind."

"Mastermind, you know what that means - manipulating events behind the scenes! No Lines! No appearances 'til the last few issues. When I finally make an appearance, do you know who is pictured on the cover?" he asked. "Talia. Her trailer is bigger than mine too, she gets more scenes with Batman, and she has more lines."

I tried to think of something nice to say, but at that moment Catwoman walked in. Ra's seemed to slump a little further into his booth: "Muse-2 is her agent too. She and Joker, they're in every Elseworld, you notice that? And the movies. Nobody ever mispronounces her name. Her trailer is bigger than mine too, and they're always delivering flowers and fruitbaskets."

"She's got her own title" Joker put in. "She doesn't need the elseworlds or the guestspots on Bat's titles - And if she's not treated as a star of his stature when she guests on his set, there's payback when he shows up on hers. Besides, just look at her - she's more fun to draw than you or me. Especially you. What is that on your chin, a goatee? They went out with whalebone corsets."

"Whereas green hair has that look of timeless elegance, I suppose."

Catwoman settled into a corner table in the diningroom and began holding court. "Fellas, please," she cooed, " I can't listen to pitches right now. I'm just sitting down to eat... well, okay, until the appetizers come, but keep it to 25 words or less." Writers and artists clustered around, as did other characters hoping for a guest appearance. There was blood in the water and everyone knew it. The woman voted 'sexiest in comics' had been so inundated with offers she'd let herself be sent to prison in her title, thinking that would give her some time to work on other things. When she returned to her set after several months starring in other stories, she found she was being written as a crazed dumpy-looking psycho taking orders from Harley Quinn and holding a gun to Jim Gordon's head. No one knew exactly what would happen to the writers and artists responsible. But there was talk of huge bonuses for anybody who could repair her image and concoct the most fitting punishment for the previous team.

The phone behind the bar rang. After a few moments conversation, the bartender signaled to a waiter, who took the phone on a platter and delivered it to a table where Nightwing and Robin were sitting as the former was saying: "If I have to read another sensitive male-bonding script..."

Then Batman walked in. He wore sunglasses and a bandana instead of the cowl, and a Perry Ellis jacket was draped over his shoulders. He spoke into a cel phone: "Well what are they offering?" He glanced at Catwoman's table as she was saying: "Can you imagine anyone writing a story like that then handing me a loaded gun?"

"No," Batman continued. "I don't object to working with either of them, I'd just like something new. " He approached her table, shooed away the hangers on, and seated himself, but continued his conversation on the phone: "well something with a second act would be nice." He smiled at her. "No No, Look, We've done the first meeting in every possible genre and variation except musical comedy, iambic pentameter and that Aboriginal clicking language....Something new" and hung up.

"You're going to pay for that."

"What?"

"Iambic pentameter, aborigine clicking language. You shouldn't have said that. They'll do it."

"Never mind that - I heard something good. Hypertime. Bringing back alternate universes."

"Shit, I can't keep that stuff straight - amnesiac stewardess battered wife petshop owner whore orphan socialite kleptomaniac thrillseeker secretary criminal crimefighter criminal civilian mercenary crimefighter criminal criminal-sometimes crimefighter with a heart of gold a pet panther a leopard a tiger or a housecat or a daughter..." she threw up her hands in disgust. "I need a vacation."

"It's easy. You want to know the trick to starring in 9 comics, 4 Elseworlds, and 3 Cartoon continuities at the same time?"

"Schizophrenia?"

"No, it's easy. Whatever is on the teleprompter at this moment - that's reality. Nothing that's gone before matters. None of it."

"So continuity is a crock."

"Continuity is for people that exist."

"Okay then. Bring on Hypertime 

Catwoman opened a manilla envelope Batman handed her, flipped through several pages searching for the first scene she would appear in, then mouthed the words 'What man is this that thus becloaked in night so stumblest on my council' - OH SHIT, THIS IS IAMBIC PENTAMETER."

She threw a buttered roll at his head.

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