*****
Author: Anya
Email: [email protected]
Rating: Prolly a weak PG for language
Archive: Please do, just let me know where. Mooncat,
Superhero, 'rith, Grey Archive, do it to it :)
Notes: Written on MLK Jr. when everyone else in the US was
off and I was answering the stupid phone and answering, "No, it's a
holiday, they aren't here."
Thankees mucho to 'rith and T for the beta.
Feedback ADORED!!!!! ([email protected])
Disclaimers: No money made from this, done out of love. DC
owns them, I'm just a writer with the strange ideas. Please don't sue me.
***************
What Holidays?
***************
It's MLK Jr. day, and I ask myself for the bazillionth time
today why I took this gig. Everyone else has the day off. I could be home,
under the covers, snuggled next to someone warm, watching Looney Tunes while
listening to the rain hit the skylight in our bedroom. I could be eating
popcorn in the twentyplex, watching Ahnold blow something else up. I could be
anywhere. But I'm not. I'm pulling monitor duty.
I hate monitor duty.
I mean don't get me wrong, it's important hero stuff we all
have to do. Even Big Blue pulls his shifts. Of course he probably does it
without griping. He never gripes.
"Wally," he tells me, "it's our first line of
defense. We can stop evil in its tracks from this little console." I just
nod and give him that glazed donut look, like I am in awe of everything he
says. Sometimes Superman reminds me of the Tick. Only with more hair.
Bats probably doesn't gripe either. I don't think gripe is
part of his emotional make-up. He goes from 'moody and forbidding' to 'notify
your next of kin' in 1.5 seconds. But he's a good guy. Never smiles, but that's
probably a good thing. I think if he smiled, we'd all go running for cover.
That's part of his charm. One time Plas put a whoopee cushion on Bats' chair.
Even Supes thought it would be worth a laugh. Batman swooped in, cape billowing
and sat down and.... Nothing. The damn thing was probably too scared to go off.
At the end of the meeting, he got up, tossed the thing on the table and said, "Try
Yukko brand. They're harder to puncture than Acme's." Leave it to Bats. We
all thought it was stuck up there, not out there.
Bats has never pulled a shift up here, but then neither has
Arthur. I think we all don't mind. If you want the perfect example of moody,
look no further than Arthur Curry, a.k.a. Aquaman, a.k.a. King of Four-Fifths of
the World. It's gotta be rough, and with he and Garth being not exactly as
chummy as they could be, he's pretty much on his own. We've all offered to
help, not that he'd take us up on it. He's more of a loner than Batman. I mean,
even Dick sends pizza to Batman sometimes (and if you're wondering, four cheese
with mushroom). Garth wouldn't dare doing that, because Arthur would probably
have a fit. And when the Sea King has a fit... well... you remember the movie
Jaws? Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water...
Probably the only one Arthur is vaguely pleasant with is
Diana. The Amazon Princess, or goddess if you ask me. Beautiful, intelligent,
dangerous, and a connoisseur of fine chocolate chip cookies. The last two
things are what you need to remember. The last time I came up with Mrs. Fields
Double Chocolate Death cookies, Diana wrassled me for them. Not that I minded
having my legs tied around my neck, because she offered to unwrap me after she
finished her glass of milk. But Diana can't bake a chocolate chip cookie to
save her life. The last batch she made, the Titans used as skeet. Roy broke
more arrows that day.
You know who can cook? Huntress. I've never met an Italian
that couldn't cook, but Helena? Geez, I'd consider selling out my country for
her tiramisu. She's actually a very nice woman, once you get past the 'touch me
and I'll break your elbows' phase. One of Bats' people. Not that anyone minds.
She's smart, savvy and is more of a team player than him. Add that to her
lasagna and the way she fills out her utility belt... Dick would kill me. If
she didn't first. I miss her.
She and Steel got along great. They're both smart. I mean
really smart. But John's not as scary as she is. It's the Bats/Supes factor.
Not that it's bad, because it's not. But then for a seven-foot tall guy in
steel pajamas carrying a sledgehammer, intimidation isn't really a problem. No,
John is a nice guy. Wicked sense of humor. He and Bats get along well too,
surprisingly. I guess they communicate on the genius level. John just seems
more... normal. Well, as normal as we get. I feel sorry for his niece though.
He probably keeps that hammer behind the door for when she goes out on dates.
Steel gets along with everyone, even Plastic Man, which is
surprising since most of us want to choke or drop kick him. Not that it would
help. Don't get me wrong, Plas is ok. I mean really ok, but damn if he's not
worse than Robbie when it comes to one-liners. I still can't believe Batman was
the one who brought him in. Plas must know where the bodies are buried.
Kyle's running late. He's supposed to relieve me for the
night. Kyle is cool. True blue hero material (or green if you want to get
technical). And to top it all off, he
does for a living what most of us wish we could do. He draws
comics! I remember when I was a kid, before I was Kid Flash, running to the
drugstore and grabbing a stack of comics (back when you could buy them without
mortgaging your house). I'd read them and trace all the heroes and pin the pictures
on my walls. And those lame-ass "Draw Tappy" ads would come out and
I'd draw him, thinking 'I'm gonna be famous,' then the reviewuation came back
and I had 'raw talent' but it could be refined into something fabulous... for
$198 a month payable in easy installments. Kyle, on the other hand, doesn't
need that. He is gifted. I mean really gifted. He even does *those* drawings.
You know, the ones you get when you do the file search for
alt.pics.nude.heroes. Of course he doesn't go by Kyle online. I think he uses
SLee or something like that. Dunno if anyone else knows, maybe Bats. Probably
Bats. Batman knows.
Probably the only one Kyle hasn't drawn is J'onn, and I
don't think it's because of the 'Manhunter' title. J'onn's just one of those
guys you don't mess with. Not because he can flatten you without breaking a
sweat. He's kinda like... I don't know, a priest. Or that one uncle that comes
to family reunions that everyone likes, everyone respects and everyone will
kill for if he asked. You just don't mess with J'onn. J'onn, on the other hand,
tends to mess with people when they least expect it. When he found nude
drawings of him on the net, he printed one out and pinned it in Kyle's locker,
along with a note saying, "They forgot the spikes." Kyle about had a
heart attack, then stared at J'onn for a week, trying to figure out how much of
that was a joke. We never found out.
The drawing Kyle did of Batman mysteriously disappeared off
the web not even an hour after it was posted. I'd put my money on Oracle
pulling it for him. He brought him in. Oracle that is. And yes, I think he's a
he. Girly head and all, I'd bet money he's a he. I mean I know plenty of guys
that play girls online. They get more info that way. And if anyone has info,
it's Oracle. He must not have a life, I swear, he's always online. No one but
Batman knows him. He's probably some fat pimply, superfan-boy with the
god-computer. Or an ex-cop who never left the beat. Whatever he is, he's aces.
Funnier than sin, and sends me the strangest emails too: Did you know that in
Arizona, Texas and Florida, it's not illegal to copulate with an animal? It's
true, I looked it up. Don't know where he found that out, and I probably don't
want to know. Now that I think of it, I shouldn't complain. I only pull monitor
duty for a 6 hour shift. He's there 24-7.
I guess it's not too bad. There are worse things I could be
doing. Another 20 minutes and-Damn.
Why did I take this gig?
"JLA alert. We have a tanker stuck off the coast of
Washington. At least 12 crew still onboard. Oracle will relay
particulars."
I'm a hero. We don't get days off.
~~fin~~~~