Irregular Attraction.

by Adrian Tullberg.

***

Batman and Wonder Woman were entering the Watchtower rec room (both closet Angel fans) when they heard the cries of anguish.

"He taped it..."

They both ran into the room to see Superman building up to a rant that would have your average to mid-range megalomaniac (usually found in local and state government) proud.

"I am not attracted to Luthor! I've never been attracted to Luthor! There's never been anything resembling that in my titles!"

"Oh, titles. Emphasis on the plural. Wouldn't know anything about that..."

"Can't all be winners, Diana."

Superman stopped his spiel and looked at the two.

"C'mon you two ... have I ever given the impression ... any at all ... that I'm sexually attracted to a ruthless criminal businessman who wants my wife and had me fired twice?"

Wonder Woman opened her mouth but was beaten by Batman's derisive snort.

"You're asking Diana? According to Jiminez, she hasn't had any sex."

"And Batman's just been in prison. He's trying to forget the last time he had sex."

"Look..." Batman gave Diana a patented Bat-Glare before sitting across from Superman. "They've been saying I'm a fruit since the fifties straight through to The Authority. Have several gorgeous femme fatales queuing to either kill you or bed you? Never noticed. Enjoy a playboy lifestyle with the inheritance to go with it? Ignored. But when, out of the goodness of your heart, you let a kid hang around with you fighting crime while wearing green bikini briefs, you're an irresponsible paedophile!"

"Maybe it started when they had Lois leave you."

"When did that one slip by the editors?"

"About the same time they had Spider-Man suddenly rediscovering single life, I think..."

"Hey, why the hell are we following Marvel?"

Diana ticked off the points on her fingers. "X-Men and Blade turning into sleeper hits ... Spider-Man smashing box-office records ... Daredevil and X-Men 2 being filmed as we speak..."

"Okay! Geez!" Superman started pacing up and down. "What does that mean for us?"

"Chances are Time-Warner will chuck a ton of cash at some MTV reject to direct ... something resembling one of us ... and borrow a monkey to write the script."

"And George Lucas for the dialogue."

Even Batman had to repress a shudder...

***

Just saw Smallville for the first time ...