The Case at Hand.
By Adrian Tullberg.

Warning - parody. Vicious slander of characters. On with the show.

***

The JLA faced the Batman, royally pissed. The Dark Knight (TM), sat at the other side of the table, not even remotely concerned, sipping instant from his Bat-Mug (TM).

"You invented techniques to disable all of us!" shouted Superman "Your friends! Your comrades! I can't believe you did that!"

"Considering the amount of times you all get brainwashed, mind-controlled, or just ordered to go blow up a city from some guy wearing a Bill Clinton rubber mask, it seemed like a pretty good idea!" He thought for a moment "If this ticks you off, why did you give me kryptonite in the first place?"

"Give me one good example!" huffed Wonder Woman.

"Okay, remember when some weird chick brainwashed your sidekick to go kick the crap out of you? You had to engage in a gigantic mid-air battle involving loss of life and massive property damage. I slipped her paediatrician a fifty and found out that she has a violent sneezing reaction everytime she gets within ten feet of a wet schnauzer!"

"D'OH! I mean ... that's not the point! We don't involve ourselves in the politics of deception and treachery! We maintain a standard of facing our enemies and..."

The Flash interrupted the imminent rant. "And another thing; we're sick of being beaten up every time we face an enemy while you just waltz in later and save the day!"

"If you keep on marching into what seems to be an obvious trap at the same time I decide to do a little precautionary research about the villain of the week, that's fine with me! Who do you think you are, the Superfriends?"

"Devious freak." Glowered Aquaman, trying to make his face scary by leaning over a light.

"Go get another title, fishboy."

The King of the Seven Seas started blubbering.

"This is the last straw! Every time you're here we have to put up with your brooding attitude ... your insisting we have 'Hellraiser' for every single video night ... for prefixing everything that's not nailed down! You're out!"

"Whatever." Muttered Batman, giving Superman the Bat-Digit (TM). He leaned towards Wonder Woman. "I want my Jennifer Lopez pictorial back." And he left the room with that swirling cape effect which made the other heroes green with envy.

Wonder Woman gave a weak smile at the other heroes. "Er ... isn't she a great actress! And she sings...!"

"We don't need you!" shouted Superman. "We've got the world's most flexible hero! The fastest man alive! A mind-reading detective! The Amazon Warrior! And Green Lantern!"

The Jim Carey parody, the guy who managed to loose a multi-million dollar lottery windfall, the Oreo Addict, and the token female looked at each other with mounting horror.

"He's right!" shouted Green Lantern. "Morrison's out! Waid's in! That means the rest of us can get some character development!"

"Assuming one has a character to develop." Whispered Martian Manhunter.

Suddenly Green Lantern lurched over in pain. "Arrgghh!" Shrieked Lantern. "Pain ... horrible! Mind ... burning!"

"We've seen your Shatner impression."

"Ohhh ... HAHAHAHAHA!" The Lantern rose up in the air. "I am the horrible mind-controlling entity ... KEVIN! I have taken over this hero, and will use him to ... CONQUER THE EARTH!"

"Why didn't you just take him over, not tell anybody about it, then used him later to take over when he wasn't in the same room with the five others who could possibly stop him?" wondered Superman.

"Errr..."

"Or better still, just took over Bill Gates and the Sultan of Brunei?" Added Wonder Woman "You could have just bought the world! I mean, who would have found out?"

"Uhmmm ... I'll explain later! PREPARE TO DIE!" The Green Lantern suddenly projected a bright green glowing rock in front of Superman.

Superman leaned back dramatically, then back into a more heroic pose "That's not real..." It was about then that the massive green hammer that materialised behind him while he'd been distracted pounded him into the floor.

The Martian Manhunter flew towards the mind-controlled hero, but The Lantern summoned a flame-thrower and started a Martian barbecue.

"Ha! Flame doesn't work ... hang on, yes it does! No ... yes ... Arrgghhh!" Thus the Martian Manhunter exploded in a field of conflicting continuities.

"What the hell's going on?" stated Batman, holding a cardboard box with three pounds of stationary and his 'Leather Boys from Luxenburg' collection (a highly reputed travel magazine).

"Kyle's mind has been controlled!"

"You mean there's a mind to control?"

"Batman! We need..."

"...a effective, yet non-lethal means of controlling, or containing him?"

"Yes!"

"Sure! I ... oh wait! I'm not part of the gang anymore! Can't help! Sorry!" With that, he walked out, humming the theme to 'Shaft'.

"Wait Batman! Please...!" The Amazon Princess' plea was cut short when she was stomped on by an art-deco manga rip-off.