September 16, 2004
Thursday
9:16 pm

Dear Diary,
            You would not believe what happened today in school. James asked me out. Again! I don�t know what he thinks is so different. We went out once already this year, but then he called me a prude, so I dumped him. Just because I don�t want to kiss him in front of Mrs. Miller doesn�t mean I�m a prude. Maybe I just don�t want to kiss him. Whatever. I�m not gonna go out with him again.
            Anyway, there�s something more important I want to talk about. I�ve been feeling a bunch of weird things lately, and I don�t think I should be feeling these things until I�m a lot older. Some of these feelings are compassion and love. I want to help people and express myself, but I don�t know how. I�m so confused! Nobody will listen to me because they think I�m just some stupid 12-year-old kid, but I�m not. I wish they would stop being so judgmental.
            Something else I want to talk about is kind of weird. I don�t really want to say this, but it�s not like anybody is going to read it, so what does it matter? Anyway, when we were walking home from school today, Steph told me that she got her period. I�m so jealous. Is that weird? She said it wasn�t that great, and her mom made a big deal about it. I hope my mom doesn�t do something stupid when I get mine. She probably will. I don�t know why I want it so bad anyway. Everybody says that it�s annoying, I don�t know. I guess I�m just weird.

Love, jessie

September 25, 2004
Saturday
5:04 pm

Dear Diary,
            Okay, well a lot has happened since we last talked. I know it�s only been a week, but still. It�s been crazy. James and I are going out again. Yeah, I know. I said I wouldn�t say yes. But he was so cute. He wrote me this note in Spanish this week that said I love you, and a bunch of words in Spanish that mean pretty. I had to use the dictionary to look them all up, there were so many of them. Before I said yes, I made him answer some questions. Like why we broke up last time, and why this time will be different. He did okay. We went to the movies today and held hands. He tried to kiss me but I wouldn�t. I don�t know why I get scared, but I do. I just didn�t want to kiss him.
            In other news, my mom is a bitch. She picked us up from the movies and she was so embarrassing. She kept asking me about waxing my eyebrows! Like if I wanted an appointment soon. I can�t believe she said that in front of James. I wanted to die. She just doesn�t understand at all. She thinks that because she was hanging out with older guys and drinking and smoking and stuff when she was my age, that I�m going to do all that stuff too. She was probably sleeping with guys already. But I don�t even want to kiss James. She�s so stupid.

Love, jessie

October 2, 2004
Saturday
7:45 pm

Dear Diary,
            This whole kissing thing with James is getting to be quite a problem. I don�t really understand what�s wrong with me. I like him and everything. But everytime he tries to kiss me, I move away. We went to the mall today and we were sitting on the fountain and he tried to kiss me. I turned my head really quick so he kissed my cheek instead. I felt bad, but I didn�t know what to say. I could see he was sad.
            I tried to talk to Steph about it, but she wasn�t much help. She hasn�t ever kissed a boy, so she doesn�t know what I�m talking about. Plus, she thinks James is gross. She always tells me I should dump him anyway. Just because she�s a year older than me doesn�t mean she knows more. But she�s still my friend, so whatever. I wish I had the kind of mom who understood me and I could talk to her about stuff. Mine�s just stupid. She thinks I�m going to start using drugs and get pregnant, like she did. Oh well.

Love, jessie

P.S. My stomach hurt the other day and I thought I had cramps and maybe I was getting my period, but it turned out to be just gas. I was sad.

October 6, 2004
Wednesday
3:30 pm

Dear Diary,
            James is such an a-hole. He broke up with me today because I wouldn�t kiss him in class. In front of Mrs. Miller! He wanted me to kiss him in front of the teacher, and I wouldn�t do it, so he dumped me. Oh well, he doesn�t deserve me. He said that when he went out with Elizabeth she kissed him whenever he wanted. Well he can just go back out with her then, if that�s all he wants. I�m not going to go out with him ever again. No matter what he says. He�s a liar. He already dated me twice this year and Elizabeth once and I think he went out with Leslie too. Obviously he�s not very good at staying with one girl. What do I want to be with him for anyway? Steph was right. He is gross.
            Mom actually did something really cool for once today. When she packed my lunch last night she put this little quote thing in there. It was like cut out from a magazine or something, and it said �Dance around in the rain.� It was cool because I really like the rain. You know, a lot of time I wish she was different. I wish she was like on the PTA or something and she knew a lot about my school. But I guess she just has her own way, or something. She�s not like any of my friends� parents. She�s only strict about certain things, and it�s always something weird, like what store I�m allowed to go at the mall or when I can start dating, instead of when my curfew is or how long I can talk on the phone, like Leslie�s mom. Or even worse, Steph�s mom only lets her watch an hour of tv a day! That would be so awful. I don�t know how she survives.

Love, jessie

October 30, 2004
Saturday
10:36 p.m.

Dear Diary,
            I know it�s been a really really long time since I�ve written anything. I�m sorry. Things have been kind of crazy around here lately. It�s going to be a lot to write down, but I�ll do my best. First things first: James. Yes, he asked me out again. But I was good. I told him no. Then the next day he started going out with Leslie, so it�s probably a good thing I said no. He obviously wasn�t very interested in me. He probably just wanted someone to go to the dance with. That�s another thing that I want to talk about, the dance. Last night we had a dance at school, and a lot of things happened. Heidi spent the first half of the dance in the bathroom crying because she thought she saw Brandon kissing some other girl. It turns out he was just talking in her ear because the music was so loud. They made up by the end though. Even more important than that was what happened to me though. I got kissed! My first kiss. My first REAL kiss anyway. It was with this guy Tyler from drama club. He�s kinda cute, and he�s really really tall. It was kinda weird when he kissed me, because he was so tall I didn�t really know what to do. I was waiting outside the bathroom trying to find out if Heidi was okay or not, and Tyler came up and started talking to me. We talked for a while, just about stuff, and then he asked me if I wanted to dance. Well of course I said yes. We danced all the slow songs together. It was awesome, except I kind of had to stand on my tiptoes to put my arms around his shoulders. I walked home from the dance, and Tyler lives on the way, so he called his mom from the payphone and told her he was going to walk too. So we walked together. He walked all the way to my house, even though his house is closer. When we got to my door he asked me if he could kiss me. I said yes, and then he did. And then he asked if he could kiss me again, and I said yes again, so then he kissed me again. It was kind of weird because we both wear glasses and they got in the way a little bit, but it was worth it. Then he said goodnight and left. As soon as I got inside I called Steph to tell her what happened, but I don�t think she was too thrilled. I don�t think she likes hearing about boys very much. She thinks they�re stupid. So the only problem with this whole Tyler thing is I don�t really know where we stand. I don�t know if he wants to be my boyfriend or not. I�ll have to write him a note. At least I got kissed!

Love, jessie

P.S. Steph got her period again, but still no signs for me. I wonder if there�s something wrong with me?

November 13, 2004
Saturday
10 pm

Dear Diary,
            Tonight was the drama play. It was super fun, but we messed up a few times. The beach balls went into the audience during the beach scene, and I don�t think Mr. Boyd was very happy. I�m just in the chorus, so I didn�t have to do very much. I like it better that way. Leslie and Sam had to kiss, and he was supposed to put his hand up so that they both kiss his hand, but at the last minute he pulled it away and kissed her. She must be a good actress because she didn�t scream or anything, she just acted like everything was normal. After the play the girls all put lots of lipstick on and ran around kissing the boys. (On the cheeks, don�t worry.) Except Brian decided to put lipstick on too and go around fake kissing the other boys. I kissed Tyler on the lips, but that�s because he�s my BOYFRIEND. Yep, it�s official, but I�ll tell you about that later, there�s more from drama. Okay, so this is kind of gross, but after the play, Leslie and Elizabeth were talking about the boys. Well, they were talking about their�shall we say�manhood. I can�t believe those girls! Why they would even want to think about that is beyond me. Eww.
            So anyway, Tyler, the love of my life. Well, actually, I don�t think I do love him. I like him a lot, but I don�t really think I know what love is yet. I�ll probably figure that out when I�m older. But for now Tyler and I hang out a lot. We kiss a lot too, but sometimes I feel weird. Like the other day we were watching a movie in his room and I was kind of half laying down on the bed, like on some pillows, and he started kissing me, and like pushing me further down on the bed. That�s just not okay. So I kind of pushed back and sat up more, but kept kissing him. I didn�t want to stop or anything. I like kissing him. Just not laying down�. Kissing him is so great. His lips are really soft and they�re always wet when he kisses me, which I think is a good thing. But just like at the dance, I still don�t really know what to do with my hands. I mean, he�s just so tall. He can put his hands on my shoulders, but then what do I do with mine? Sometimes we hold hands, but not with both, just my right hand, so then what do I do with my left? I usually just leave it hanging there, but then I keep thinking about it while we�re kissing.

Love, jessie

Novemer 18, 2004
Thursday
4:37 pm

Dear Diary,
            I just got off the phone with Tyler. I feel so bad for him. He was telling me all about this girl he went out with last year and how mean she was to him. He said that she broke his heart. He was so sad when he talked about it, I just wanted to reach over the phone and give him a hug and take all his hurt away. How could someone do that to him? Didn�t she know what a nice person he is? He didn�t deserve whatever she did to him, I�m sure of it. I�ll just have to make up for it by being an extra good girlfriend.
            In other news, my birthday is next week and I�m really starting to get concerned with this whole period issue. Leslie just got hers last week. Am I going to be the last one? I know I�m younger than most of my friends, but my birthday�s next week and I�ll be 13! That�s pretty old to get your period. Isn�t it? I mean I already wear a bra, what more do you want? I�ve been shaving my legs since I was in fifth grade. I think it�s about time for me to really become a woman.

Love, jessie

P.S. Mom took me waxing finally. It hurt but at least I don�t have hairy eyebrows anymore. (They did my moustache too, but I don�t tell anyone about that. And mom says you�re supposed to call it the upper lip instead of moustache, but it�s all the same thing.)

December 1, 2004
Wednesday
7:43 pm

Dear Diary,
            Sometimes I am so stupid I just don�t know what to do about it. My birthday was last week, and Tyler was so sweet. He bought me a flower from the store in town and gave it to me after school with a card that he made. He drew a heart on it with my name in it, it was so cute. But then I had to go and mess it all up. I don�t know what is wrong with me. During Thanksgiving break I ended up hanging out with Larry a lot and I thought that I had a crush on him. I don�t know what was I was thinking. So I convinced Larry to dump Sasha, and then I dumped Tyler so we could be together. God, how stupid could I have been? Tyler actually started to cry! Then I realized how stupid I had been to break up with him, and I apologized over and over again. He finally agreed to take me back, and then he french kissed me! In front of other people! I couldn�t believe it. He actually took me back and then he French Kissed me. The french kissing thing was kind of weird, but I think I liked it. It was slobbery, but I think that�s how it�s supposed to be. I mean, I don�t really how it could be NOT slobbery to have your tongue in someone else�s mouth, you know? I think Tyler�s gotten the hint about lying down. He hasn�t tried it lately, which is good. I felt kind of stupid trying to push him up and keep kissing him at the same time.
            Steph got her period again, and for once I was glad I don�t have mine yet. She spent the night, and she was kindof bitchy. Plus she said she had cramps, and she kept having to take aspirin. And she told me about tampons. That�s what mom uses (I saw them in the bathroom. I opened one up once, a while ago, and it looked like a gigantic q-tip or something.) But I think I am more of a pad girl. I don�t like the idea of all that stuff just sitting inside me. It�s like not squeezing all the water out of the sponge after you do the dishes. It gets gross and smelly, and if you leave it for too long it starts to get moldy. I wonder if I tampon can get moldy. ewww. I guess I�ll just have to wait and see. This period thing isn�t looking as good as it used to, but I�m still worried.

Love, jessie

December 9, 2004
Thursday
4:36 pm

Dear Diary,
            Christmas is coming up soon. Mom has been asking me what I want lately. I think I just want some clothes and some CDs and stuff. There�s nothing big I want this year. I�ll probably just leave it up to her. She usually does a good job picking out presents for me. You should see what Steph�s mom got her last year, it was awful. It was this huge t-shirt with pictures of cats on the front. Why would she wear that? She doesn�t even have any cats, she has dogs. And the thing is huge. Like gigantic. Like bigger than even a pajama shirt. I told her she should just throw it away, but she keeps it in the back of her underwear drawer instead.
            Speaking of moms, mine has been super annoying lately. It�s all the same stuff as before. She just doesn�t get it. I was in my room writing, because I�m trying to express myself, and she kept bugging me! She would knock on my door, and then just open it. She wouldn�t wait for me to say �come in� or anything, she would just come in. And one time I said �hang on� and she opened the door anyway! It�s like she doesn�t even listen. I don�t know why she even bothers knocking in the first place, if she�s just going to barge in. She�s always going on and on about how she respects my privacy, because when she was my age she had to share a room with two of her sisters, but she doesn�t know what respecting my privacy means. Okay, so maybe she doesn�t search my stuff when I�m not here (at least I don�t think so does), but privacy means private. It means being alone. And she definitely doesn�t ever leave me alone. What does she think I�m doing up here? She�s so overprotective, I just can�t stand it sometimes.
            She did take me waxing again, that was good. She made me go in by myself though. I didn�t like that. I remembered to tell them I wanted my �upper lip� done instead of moustache, but I still don�t see the difference. I asked mom about it, and she said that upper lip was more polite. What does that mean? How can your hair be rude?

Love, jessie

December 14, 2004
Tuesday
3:06 pm

Dear Diary,
            Oh my GOD. You are NOT going to believe what happened to me today. I think I got my period! Well, maybe. I�m not sure. I was sitting in Spanish class, trying not to look at James, because he was trying to get my attention and I didn�t want to know what he had to say, and I decided I had to pee. Plus, it was kind of boring and I needed a break. So I went to the bathroom. When I sat down on the toilet, there was stuff on my underwear. It was brown stuff, but it wasn�t poop (it wasn�t in the right place). It didn�t smell or anything. It was just like little spots of brown stuff. A while ago I was looking up period stuff on the computer, because I was trying to predict when mine might finally make an appearance, and I discovered there�s this thing called spotting. It can happen for lots of different reasons, but one of the reasons was that sometimes before a girl gets her full blown real period, she�ll have like a month of spotting. Well not spotting FOR a while month, but she�ll spot a little a day, or sometimes a few days, one month, and then the next month she�ll get her real period. So I think this is what it is. When I got home from school a little while ago I changed my underwear, and I put the dirty ones on the washing machine so mom would see what happened.
            Tyler and I are still going strong, just to let you know. And I do like french kissing, even if it is slobbery.

Love, jessie
(almost a woman)

December 23, 2004
Thursday
8:52 pm

Dear Diary,
            I broke up with Tyler today. I don�t know why, I just didn�t really like him anymore. I�m on Christmas break now, and we haven�t hung out or anything. The weird thing is that I didn�t really want to. I guess that says something, huh? We used to talk on the phone every day, and now I�m not even sad that we�re not going to kiss anymore. Besides, with my period coming, and since I�m gonna be a real woman, I should be single. I need to be able to run free.
            Mom hasn�t said anything to me about the dirty underwear. I wonder if she�s embarrassed. That would be typical of her. She�s not like any other mom. No, she probably just forgot, or didn�t even notice in the first place. That would be more typical. Maybe she�ll get me pads for Christmas or something. I hope she doesn�t try to explain how to use them. I�m pretty sure I know already, and if I don�t, I�m pretty sure I can figure it out. I�m smart enough. I�ve gotten honor roll every marking period in school since they started itin 5th grade. Steph gets high honor roll, but that�s just because she�s a better test taker than me. I get nervous or something, I don�t know. And I think she studies more. I don�t like to study, so I just wing it most of the time.

Love, jessie

December 31, 2004
Friday
11:55 pm

Dear Diary,
            It�s almost the new year. I thought it would be cool if I wrote in my journal while it turned to the new year, so that�s what I�m doing. The last few days have been pretty busy. We had Christmas here, very late in the morning, because mom said I wasn�t allowed to wake her up before 10, then at Grandma�s house the next day. Then we went over to the other Grandma�s house the day after that. And on Christmas Eve we went to the midnight mass at Church. I think that�s my favorite time of the whole year to go to Church. They have all these candles and lamps and stuff instead of the regular lights, and it�s really beautiful. At the end everyone sings Silent Night, and they slowly dim the lights one set at a time so that it�s really pale when you�re done singing. And after that Church is over, and you walk out. I always get the chills when we�re singing, I don�t know why.
            I got lots of cool stuff for Christmas. No pads or tampons. I think I�ve given up on mom. She just doesn�t seem to be getting the hint. From now on I�m just going to carry a pad with me at all times, to be prepared. I�ve heard horror stories from some other girls in school about how they didn�t know it was coming and they made a big mess in the middle of school and then they had to call their parents and go home. I definitely don�t want that to happen to me. I�ll have to ask Steph if I can have one of hers, since mom doesn�t use them. She�ll probably look at me funny, but she does that a lot anyway, so what does it matter? She�s my best friend and all, but sometimes she�s kind of weird. Oh well. She probably thinks the same thing about me. You know, when you think about it, we�re all just weird.
            Oh, it just turned midnight. What a way to ring in the new year, talking about periods and being weird. Oh well, that�s just how I am and you�re going to have to deal with it. Anyway, I�m tired. I�m going to bed now.

Love, jessie

January 3, 2005
Monday
3:56 pm

Dear Diary,
            You will not believe who just called. Tyler! Of course I didn�t answer the phone, I let the machine get it and listened to what he said. I saw him in school today but he just ignored me, or maybe he really didn�t see me, but I doubt that. So he calls, and I think he�s confused. He said �Hi jessie, this is Tyler. I guess you don�t want to talk to me. Well, just to let you know, we�re not going out anymore. Bye.� Umm� what did he think I meant when I called him over break and said �I don�t want to be your girlfriend anymore�? Maybe he has some sort of weird control issues, I don�t know. Grandma calls it �short man complex� when guys act all macho and stuff. Maybe that�s what he has, except he�s not very short. Oh well. He�s stupid. I�m glad he didn�t look at me today. I don�t want him looking at me anymore.
            I talked to steph about the pad situation. I was right, she definitely thought I was stupid. But she said she�d try to remember to bring one when she comes over later tonight. I wonder what it looks like. I�ve never actually seen one before, except for the ones they show on tv. Maybe I should ask her to bring two, so I can open one and look at it. I�ll have to wait till she leaves though, because she probably won�t want to look at it with me. Besides, she already knows what they look like.
            So, I�ve been thinking a lot lately about this whole trying to express myself thing. Maybe it�s the new year or something, I don�t know. I think I need a make over. Like not a physical one, but a personality make over. I don�t know. It�s not that I don�t like myself, or hate myself, or something like that, it�s just that when I think of the kind of person I want to be� I�m not it. Or at least not yet. I think I should be nicer to people. Lots of times at school my friends make fun of other kids, and I laugh, but when I think about it later, it�s not really that funy. It�s kind of mean. I want to be the kind of person that is nice to everyone, not the one who makes people feel bad. I remember back in fifth grade I stole some of mom�s lipstick and would put it on at school and this one kid would always make fun of me. It was really mean and I didn�t like it at all. I don�t want to do the same thing to someone else. But it�s hard to go against your friends too, you know? Like what if they make fun of me for being nice? That�s kind of stupid, but I could see it happening.
            I also feel like I have all this passion inside of me and no place to put it. I think when I was with Tyler that�s where a lot of it went, and that�s why I didn�t really think about it. We would kiss and make out and all that stuff, and I also thought about him a lot. And we would talk all the time on the phone. He really took up a lot of my time. I glad we broke up, whoever dumped who, but now I feel like something�s missing. I wish I was an adult. Then I could have a husband and a real life and stuff. I know it�s probably important to enjoy being young, like adults always say, but sometimes I wish I could just start living my life in the real world.

Love, jessie

January 20, 2005
Friday
6:23 pm

Dear Diary,
            Oh my gosh, I�m so sorry it�s been so long since I�ve written anything. I don�t know what happened, I just got busy and stuff. I got my period this week. I don�t know why I didn�t write about it at first. With all that fuss I made about it before, you would think I would want to talk about it as soon as it happened, but I didn�t really. Maybe I was hormonal or something, I don�t know. I thought Steph was exaggerating about that cramps thing, but she definitely wasn�t. Or maybe she was, because I don�t know what hers are like, but mine were definitely HORRIBLE. I had to take aspirin and even then they still hurt. Luckily they only lasted for the first three days. (Today is my fourth day, I think it�s getting ready to be done soon, but I don�t really know how to tell for sure.)
            I finally got to test out my pads vs. tampons theory. I was in school when it happened, just like I thought, so I used the pad Steph gave me. (When she came over that one time she only brought one, so I didn�t open it up or anything before.) It was kind of big, and it had �wings.� I wonder why they call them that. They don�t fly away or anything, they help it stick to your underwear. Probably just because they stick off the side. The whole thing kind of looks like a big white airplane, at least before you fold the wings over and stick them to your underwear. It was a little uncomfortable to wear, but it didn�t hurt or anything. My mom says they feel like diapers, and that�s why she doesn�t wear them. I don�t really remember what a diaper feels like, but it�s probably not quite the same. Mom has a tendency to overstate things a lot. So I used a pad for the whole first day and then when I got home from school I told mom what happened, and we went to the store and got more pads. She didn�t say much to me, and I was a little surprised. I don�t know what I was expecting, but it was something, instead of nothing. She wasn�t mean, just� quiet. Well, as quiet as she can get anyway. So I used a pad that night too. Changing it was kind of gross, but not really. It�s weird to think of all that stuff just coming out of your body. It smelled weird too. I wonder if the inside of your body smells like that. How would you find out what the inside of your body smells like?
            Anyway, I tried a tampon the second day. Mom bought some regular tampons for me when she bought the pads, because she only users the really big kind. It was a little weird to put in, like I looked at the diagram a lot. I don�t know if I did something wrong or what, but all day at school it kept coming out! Like I would go to the bathroom and it would be poking out of me. Not like halfway out or anything like that, just the end. I don�t think it�s supposed to do that, but maybe I�m wrong. It was more comfortable, but the poking out stuff was pretty annoying so I switched back to a pad that night. Tried a tampon again the next day, same thing happened. So I�m a pad girl. Maybe my body just doesn�t like tampons. Who knows.
            So that�s it for the period news. It happened. Steph was right, no big deal. I have to say, I�m a little disappointed. Wouldn�t it be neat if instead of bleeding out of vagina you could like shoot fireworks out of your fingers or something? I don�t know how that would figure into the whole reproduction thing, but it would certainly be more fun.

Love, jessie

neb 3/31/05