�A lot of things change over 48 years. That�s 12 presidential terms, 4 generations, kids, grandkids, maybe great-grandkids if you�re lucky. Your body changes. Skin sags, wrinkles, eyes go bad, bones get weak, mind gets weak. People change, grow, shrink, move away, come back. People are born and they die every day. Even love, maybe even especially love, changes.

          �Over the last 48 years I�ve experienced these changes just like everybody else. I can barely see, can�t walk without a cane, and my friends are dying. Throughout it all, the good times and the bad, my Esther has been there to see me through. Whenever I needed her, all she had to do was place her hand in mine, on my knee, just touch me, and I was calm.

          �I�ve watched her hands change, just like everything else. They went from soft and supple, to calloused and knotted, then arthritic and stiff. Now they lay gently at her sides, loose skin dotted with liver spots, brittle bones. Strong or not, they still have the same effect on me. Even when she�s sleeping, I just have to slip my hand inside hers, and I feel calm. With her fingers wrapped around mine, I feel peaceful. I forget she needs my hands now too.�

          Forty-eight years ago, a tall, rugged-looking man stood waiting at the altar. His black tuxedo fit him perfectly, but his black cowboy boots gave away his true personality. Wedding or not, he was going to wear cowboy boots every day of his life. And his bride-to-be knew this. She smiled ruefully at the boots as she walked down the aisle on the arm of her father, who grimaced slightly. Cowboy boots were not proper for a wedding, and especially not for his daughter�s wedding. But he saw the look on his future son-in-law�s face when he reluctantly handed his daughter over, and he knew this man loved her.

          William, the tall rugged man, melted inside when he took the hand of his beloved Esther. She spent months working on her ivory wedding dress, staying up late every night for the past three weeks with her mother by her side, to get it just right. And she did. Everything was perfect. The scalloped v-neck hinted at the cleavage below, while revealing her creamy skin and swan-like neck. The tight bodice, covered in lace, displayed her tiny waist, and the full skirt completed the portrait of a bride. She even made the lace veil, situated carefully on her head.

          William gently took her hands to help her up the altar steps, and he felt a tingle course through his veins.. She always did this to him.

          The navy blue curtains blocked the morning sun from entering the modest bedroom. William began to stir in bed anyway, and eventually opened his eyes. Lying on his left side, he looked at Esther earnestly. Her pale skin looked even paler next to their navy blue sheets, purchased to match the curtains. She liked things to match. Staring into her face, as if trying to see inside her head, figure out what it was that was eating away at her brain, he sighed softly, still not wanting to wake her up.

          He gently slid out of bed and walked into the bathroom. The light filtered in through a small window, but not enough to see by, so William turned on the light above the sink. It bathed the room in a gentle glow, making the pink walls blush. The warm water pouring into the tub made a lapping sound, giving the entire room the feeling of the ocean at sunrise. After laying out a clean pink towel on the similarly shaded toilet seat cover, William left the bathroom to wake Esther.

          �Esther, it�s time to wake up,� he said in a low voice. He shook her shoulder gently. �Come on, I�ve drawn you a bath. It�s time to get up now honey.�

          She woke slowly, groggy. For a brief moment confusion flashed over her face, and she looked like a child lost in a department store. But then William�s smiling face, and the slight pressure of his hand on her shoulder reminded her she was safe, and a tide of relief washed over her face.

          �Oh, William. Is my bath ready?�

          �Yes dear, all set. Come on, I�ll help you get in.�

          She smiled again with relief. He held her hand, supporting her lightly, as they walked to the bathroom. He helped her undress, and step into the tub. He was leaving to go make breakfast, when he heard her excited voice from behind him.

          �William! We�re going to the beach today, aren�t we? I haven�t been to the beach in ages. I want to go swimming.� He turned his head slowly to look out the window. The sun was shining brighter now, and through the gap in the rose-colored curtains, he could see the falling snow. He frowned sadly, disheartened. Today would not be a good day for Esther. He turned again to face her, painting on a smile.

          �We�ll see, Esther. We�ll see. Finish with your bath, and I�ll come get you when breakfast is ready.� His hand was on the doorknob when he heard her voice again.

          �I love you,� she said quietly, like she wasn�t sure what the words meant anymore.

          �I love you too Esther,� he said, withholding a sigh.

          �I don�t know what�s wrong with you! It�s not my fault,� William yelled, as he slammed the back door. The late afternoon sun shone off the lake that met the edge of their backyard beach, and flashed in William�s eyes, blinding him and intensifying his anger. He walked quickly along the waterline, cursing Esther in his head. It wasn�t his fault she couldn�t get pregnant. It was her body. �Her body got me into this mess,� he thought as he sat down on a rock. He had arrived at his think spot. Tall trees surrounded both sides of the little inlet, and he could look out, but could not be seen. The water was shallow here, and as he sat on the rock, his toes dipped into the current.

          Usually his think spot allowed William to calm down and clear his head, but not tonight he longer he sat on the rock, the angrier he got. Past fights over stupid things like money and groceries and what time to eat dinner were the logs that kindled the fire inside him. This was the most important thing they ever fought about. There was so much pressure from friends and family, and Esther, to have a baby that William just wanted to give up. They had only been married for ten years. There was still time. But every time he looked at Esther he only saw the pregnancy tests and ovulation calendars and doctor�s appointments, instead of the woman he made love to on his wedding night. If she would stop pressuring him, everything would be better.

          The anger flared in William, eating away at him, burning a path through his body. The gentle rhythm of the water did nothing to calm him. This place was making everything worse. As William was getting up off the rock, he saw Esther climbing through the wall of brush that lined his think spot, and he sat back down, looking straight ahead. It was clear she had been crying, but William did not care. He was too angry. She sat down next to him on the rock, careful not to let their bodies touch. Neither of them were ready for intimate contact. Esther stared ahead, lips pursed. William could feel her shaking, and he didn�t know if it was out of anger or sadness, so he just stared ahead, mimicking her posture, not ready to apologize.

          After what felt like a forever of silence, William began to wonder if they would ever talk again. Esther shifted and placed her hand on William�s, but they did not look at each other, and they didn�t move. The fires in William died down to read hot coals, and Esther stopped shaking.

          William helped Esther choose what to wear for the day after breakfast. She pulled her bathing suit out of the closet, still hoping for the beach. Even after he explained that it was too cold, and she needed to wear pants and a sweater, Esther still insisted on putting her bathing suit on underneath her clothes. It was easier to let her do it than fight with her, he just hoped the doctor would understand.

          After getting Esther into her matching pink coat and boots, William pulled on his own rugged cowboy boots. They were not the ones he was married in, but they loked like they could have been. The leather was worn, more gray than black, and it was separating from the sole of the boot. They were perfectly worn in, and had finally stopped pinching William�s heel when he walked too long. Just as William was about to open the front door and help Esther to the car, she piped up.

          �William,� she whined slightly. �We can�t leave without the towels. How will we dry ourselves off?�

          She can�t manage to remember that you don�t swim when there�s a foot of snow on the ground, but she can�t let go of the stupid towels, William thought to himself. He sighed on the way to the bathroom, wondering why today had to be a bad ay. Why couldn�t Esther be good on the days they had to go out? He could handle her alone. He could walk into the other room if she got to be too much. But he couldn�t abandon her in the middle of the grocery store. He prayed she would be better at the doctor�s than the last time. That time she couldn�t remember who the doctor was, and she ended up hiding behind William, crying, and wouldn�t let go of his coat if they cut it off of him. William pushed the memory out of his mind, hoping today would be better, as he walked back to Esther. He shoved the towels under his right arm, took Esther�s right hand in his left, and led her out to the car.

          On the way to the doctor�s, William was unusually silent, thinking about what the doctor would say. Was Esther getting worse? He knew she was. The towels sitting on her lap were proof of that. He wouldn�t put her in a home. The last time they suggested that, he grabbed Esther and stormed out of the office. Nobody was going to take her away. They could make it together. For better or for worse.

          �William, are you mad at me?� She sounded like a child, interrupting his thoughts.

          �No, not at all,� he answered quickly. �I�m just thinking about things. Don�t worry, I�m not mad.� He smiled at her, to prove his point.

          A few moments later, they arrived at the doctor�s. As he was pulling into a parking spot, Esther asked him �What are we doing here? This isn�t the beach. I want to go swimming!� He could see the frustration that appeared on her face whenever she didn�t understand something, which was often these days.

          �I know honey. We have to stop here to see Doctor Hart. You remember him, right?� Esther looked suspicious, but removed her seatbelt and opened the door just the same.

          Sitting inside the waiting room, William could see that Esther was no longer frustrated, she was scared. Lately the more people, especially strangers, that were around, the more withdrawn and fearful she became. It depressed William, remembering the many friends they used to have, and how lively she used to be.

          Esther was wiggling back in her chair, trying to suck herself outside by way of osmosis, when the nurse called her name. She looked at William terrified, not knowing what to do. He gently took her hand and helped her up.

          �Don�t worry. I�ll come with you.�

neb 12/15/04