�I just want him to fuck me. Since when do men hold out and not put out?� I knew I sounded whiney talking to my sister Sylvia this morning, but I couldn�t help it. James and I have been seeing each other for almost a month now, and he has been playing (I hope he is playing) Mr. Sweet-and-Innocent-no-Hormones-Testosterone-Free man the whole time. And I want him to do exactly the opposite. That�s the reason I picked him: I thought he would be a great lay. You see, I�m not what you call a conventional woman. I don�t want to fall in love. I�ve been down that road before. Several times. And it�s dangerous, and it hurts. A lot. So I�ve given up on love. Right there that makes me unconventional. All the other women I know are married and have, or want, babies. I don�t want to get married, and even if I was unlucky enough to fall in love and get married, I certainly don�t want any kids. They just mess things up. And then I�d end up messing them up, so that when they got older they�d mess up their own kids, and then I�d be responsible for messing up the entire line that follows me, and I won�t let that blame be put on me. Somebody else can mess all those people up, but it�s not going to be me. But I�m getting lost here. Back to my unconventionality. The other thing that makes me so special (or wicked, take your pick) is my so-called lack of morals. The other women in this town call me loose. And maybe I am loose. But if I am, it�s nothing I�m ashamed of. I give myself freely to the men around town. Not only do I give, but I take from them whatever they�re willing to give me. Except love, of course. They can keep that all to themselves. But those other women are wound up so tight, you make even the slightest mention of sex, they blush and turn the other cheek. They�d like you to think that even though they have four babies, they�re all the Virgin Mary come back to earth to save my poor lost soul, or loose soul. Loose because it is lost, or lost because it is loose. Take your pick. Maybe they sent James to me. Maybe they thought I�d get one look at his big muscles, dark hair, gorgeous eyes, and friendly smile and I�d fall head over heels in love, and then I�d be saved. Well I didn�t fall in love, but I sure did fall in lust. And that damn man just takes me out at night, and kisses me! Won�t do a thing more than kiss me, with his hands oh so prim and proper round my waist. Well he�s got another thing coming if he thinks I�m gonna sit around and let him fall in love with me. I won�t stand for it. There are plenty of men in this town who�ll give me what I want without giving me more than I can handle. That�s right. I�ll go looking elsewhere if I have to. I won�t stand for it.

�I just want him to fuck me. Since when do men hold out ant not put out?� This is what my sister said to me this morning. Can you believe her? I just about had a heart attack hearing her talk like that. I�m no saint, but my cheeks still turn red at that kind of talk. She�s always been so crass, using those curse words, talking her sex talk. I can�t even remember the last time she went to church. I invite her every week to come along with me and Hank, that�s my husband, Hank. I invite her every week, trying to be nice and help her out, but that cow says no every single time. The way she talks, you�d think I was trying to put her in jail! But no, she�d probably like that. The men there are as hungry as she is. I shudder at the very thought of it. The few times she�s picked up some a nice boy, she�s ruined it. She�s probably too much of a harlot for upstanding men to be around. Everybody knows a husband and wife are together only when they need to make children. That�s the proper way. But not according to Vanessa. Ohhhh no. That woman wants it all day, every day. Huuuh! I can�t even believe I just said that. This is improper! I shouldn�t even be talking about this with close friends, let alone a stranger like you. That sister of mine is rubbing off on me. This is why I won�t let her around my children. She�d fill their minds with trash. She�s not a woman of the Lord. She�s completely forgotten God and why he made her. She�s a sinner of the worst kind� I really must get her to church this week. I�m worried about her soul.

Sylvia just called me, all rattled. She�s so worried about saving Vanessa�s soul. She talks so much about Vanessa forgetting God�s purpose in her life, she�s going to forget God�s purpose for her own self. They�re such polar opposites, those two. We grew up together, next-door neighbors and all. I suppose you could say I�m the happy medium, although they�d never agree with you. They each think of themselves as perfect, and of the other as completely imperfect. If Vanessa and Sylvia were somehow forced into one mind and body, the product would most likely resemble me. And perhaps who I am is merely a result of spending so much time with two such strong personalities that cannot mix, like a sponge that can hold both oil and water. I am married, like Sylvia. And I love a good romp in the hay, like Vanessa. Yet at the same time I am different, for I am madly in love with my husband, and being madly in love is such a curious state. It suggests pure emotion and insanity, innocence and passion. Sylvia, I�m quite sure, has never experienced these things, nor will she. They�re �sinful.� Unless of course, they�re directed toward the Lord. But at the same time, when I make love to my husband, it is just that. It is an expression of my love for him, a physical representation of that pure emotion he evokes in me. And as you know, Vanessa would never make love to a man. She probably told you, all she wants is a good lay.

I love Hank more than anything in this world. Only one man rises above him, and that�s God himself. But sometimes he falters. No, not God, my husband Hank. He is an upstanding man who works hard and loves the Lord. He provides for this family and treats me with respect. But every once in a while he forgets himself. I forgive him for these mistakes, because the Bible teaches that we are not perfect, and that we can atone for our sins. Last night Hank made a mistake. I don�t know why I�m telling you all of this, it�s really none of your business. But you�ll hear it eventually, my sister�s got a big mouth. So I might as well tell you, so you�ll get the truth. Anyway, I was laying in bed, in my nightgown and under the sheet of course, and Hank starts to change his clothes. I look away, because it�s a sin to stare at the flesh, and Hank crawls into bed. He leans over to me, and I can feel his� his� his thing touching me! It was pushing right into my back! Good thing I had my nightgown on. I was so disgusted I jumped out of bed, and then I saw it. He was in my bed naked! I screamed. I didn�t know what else to do; it was so horrible. But I understand. He is only a man, and he is weak. The flesh tempts him. But I will forgive him, because I love him. I will teach him the right way. When I stopped screaming, I turned around so he could dress. I then explained to him that a man and woman only need only be together to make children. We already have three beautiful children, and God does not demand more from us. We never need to commit that act of sin again. When I looked into his eyes, I knew he was sorry. He turned away from me, and slept on his side of the bed. To tell you the truth, I was quite relieved he slept on his side. I was horrified that thing would come near me again. But I will forgive him, because I love him.

Let me start by saying I love my wife. She is an amazing woman, and I would do anything for her. She has helped me stay in the path of the Lord, and she has given me three wonderful children who brighten my days. But she can be a bit extreme. Her devotion borders on obsession. Most people in this town walk around acting like they believe every word that preacher says and they practice their faith every moment they live and breathe. But the truth is, most people in this town don�t practice their faith every moment they live and breathe, and they don�t believe every word the preacher says. They know enough to take it all with a grain of salt. Sylvia, on the other hand, does not. Don�t get me wrong, she�s not a gullible or na�ve woman. Not at all. She just wants so badly to be true to the Lord, that she takes everything to the next level. And I even love this about her. But she doesn�t realize that she can hurt me. She thinks that I am a man and so I have no feelings, and that I am a sinner. But I do have feelings, and one of them is the overwhelming love I have for her. Last night I wanted to tell her about that love; I wanted to show her with my body. But she thought it was a sin, and screamed. She screamed at my body. My body horrified her. My wife. Every second of her scream broke a little piece of my heart. And then she lectured me on propriety and informed me of the complete and utter lack of physical love we are going to share for the rest of our lives. I will never cheat on my wife because I love her. But she saddens me. Some of my happiest times were when I was able to make love to her. Now I have to restrict myself to telling her. I love her.

Lily and I had the best sex of my life this morning. We�ve been married for 15 years, and that woman still manages to amaze me. I love her more and more every day. She grows more beautiful and graceful with age. And somehow, by some miracle, our sex life has not dwindled, it has improved. I had to go into the city yesterday, and I stopped by a bookstore. As usual when the store is pretty empty, I snuck over to the adult book section. They had a new one called Improve your sex life in 30 days: A new position for every day of the month. It wasn�t too expensive, so I bought it. I got home early and made Lily dinner. I don�t get to do it a lot, but she really loves it when I do. After dinner I showed her the book. She was so excited. We spent an hour just looking through it. To be completely frank, I was so excited I wanted to jump on her right then and there. But sometimes it�s worth it to wait. And let me tell you, it was worth it this morning. We went to bed full of a delicious dinner, excited about the new book, and even more excited about trying out some things from the book. This is why I love Lily so much. Not only is she an amazing person outside of our marriage, but she makes me so happy. Little tiny things she does astound me. Like looking through that book, and being excited. How many other women do that? And then this morning, I woke up and watched her sleep for a good five minutes. She was so beautiful and peaceful, I didn�t want to wake her. I went to give her a little kiss, and her eyes popped open and she tackled me, laughing. That little wench, she was waiting for me to make the first move. Hahaha. I don�t really need to give you the details on what happened next. I�ll just let you know that I love my wife for the astounding human being she is to everyone, not just me, and for her ability to let everything go, what other people think and what they say is right, and be her own woman who loves her husband in every way possible.

Vanessa makes me nervous. She�s a nice girl and all, well woman, yes you�re right, she�s a woman, but she makes me nervous. She�s not like the other girls I�ve been with. All they ever wanted was for me to say I Love You. But I finally want to say it to someone, and she has to be the one who doesn�t want to hear it! Why does God have such a sense of humor? I was more than happy to sleep with those other girls because I didn�t love them. Now I do love someone, and I won�t sleep with her. What�s wrong with me? No, it�s not my fault. I�m doing the right thing. Sleeping with Vanessa would only cause me heartache. She just wants my body, and I want all of her. I feel like the woman in this relationship. And the worst part is that I want to sleep with her. I would LOVE to get her into bed and whisper sweet things in her ear, and make sweet love to her all night long. But she would have none of that. She wants to tear my clothes off, ravage my body, and leave me bare for someone else to worry about. I never thought I could be reduced to my body. Maybe I should let myself go. Lose my muscles, get fat, stop caring. Then she would have to stop looking at my body and start looking inside me. Or stop looking at me at all. What can I do to make her love me, so we can live in love and sin together?

I told you before, and I�ll tell you again, I will not fall in love. Not again. My sister thinks love is God�s greatest gift to mankind. I think it�s sex. God made the body, right? What can be wrong with it then? If God didn�t want us to have sex, then why did he make it feel so good? Huh? If it was only for having kids, why didn�t he make it some painful thing that people would only do a few times? But it�s not painful, it�s amazing. I don�t see how she can say that love is better than sex. Love is messy and complicated. You love someone, but they don�t love you, and you�re hurt. Someone loves you and you don�t love them back, you�re guilty of hurting them. Love begins, and love ends. And when it�s over, it hurts. Love is hurt. Sex, on the other hand, is a win-win situation. It is a mutually beneficial relationship. One person pleases the other while simultaneously being pleased. And when it�s over, both parties are satisfied. It doesn�t hurt, it feels great. It�s a relief, a relaxation. And you�re not scared to do it again, you look forward to it! Sex is easy. And it�s passion. It�s a wild fire burning through your body waiting to be put out. It courses through my veins. Love is boring. It makes you sappy, and annoying to everyone around you. Love is the ferris wheel you went on once, and it made you puke at the top. Sex is the roller coaster you ride ten times in a row because it feels so good.

Warning: I�m about to get disgustingly sappy. If you don�t have the stomach for heartfelt romance, you might want to leave.. My husband is the sweetest man on the face of the earth. A few nights ago I had to stay late at work, and I was really not looking forward to making dinner when I got home. Well, when I finally got home, he had this really romantic meal set up. He dimmed the lights, and lit candles. He made pasta and garlic bread, my favorite meal, and had it warm and waiting for me. He had even poured me a glass of my favorite wine. When I walked in, he sent me upstairs to change into my pajamas. I came down, and before he would let me eat, he gave me a foot rub. Right there, I was in heaven. Then we ate. The food was fantastic, and just talking to him relaxed me. When dinner was over, he cleared all the dishes and wouldn�t let me get up. He brought me a slice of chocolate cake, and had me eat it while he did all the dishes. He took care of everything. He truly is amazing. I cannot even begin to explain my feelings for him. After dinner we relaxed on the couch, and he showed me a new book he bought for us. It looked really great, and we tried something out the next morning, and it was beyond belief. I can�t speak for him, but it might have been the best sex of my life. And this is why I love George so much. He is the perfect man. We have the most amazing sex, and at the same time I love him with every fiber of my being. It�s like our love is a part of me, and it exists in every cell of my body. Sometimes I think I�m going to explode because I�m so full of love. It�s like my love for him just wells up inside of me, from my heart and my head and my fingertips and my toes, and it needs to be released somehow. This love is the most powerful thing I�ve ever felt. It consumes me. Every time I look at him I can feel the love pouring out of my eyes. Sometimes I love him so much it hurts. But in a good way. God, do I love him�

I told you before how much I love my wife. I think it�s clear that I have a dying devotion to Lily. But sometimes it just hits me. We really were made for each other. Where I am weak, she is strong, and I am strong when she is weak. When I�m sad, she knows just how to make me laugh. When I can�t laugh, she cries with me. And when I say I love you she says it back every time. See, everything always clicked with us. Our life plans have been the same since before we even met. We both wanted to live in the same place, in the same type of home. She wanted kids, and I wanted kids. She wanted a career, and I wanted children later in life. She makes me want to be a better man. When I hold her, it�s like every hole in my body is filled by some part of hers. Together our ins and outs make something complete. When we make love, her every move complements mine. Our love is God�s perfectly choreographed dance.

�The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not be in want.� I send this prayer out to Vanessa and Hank every day. Every morning I wake up and pray for them. I will not accept that Vanessa is a lost cause, though I feel it in my soul more and more every day. The devil has taken her over, and I�m afraid the Lord will loose this one. But Hank is not so hopeless, though he is getting there too. Every since the incident a few nights ago, he has been different. He treats me differently. He is not cruel, but he is distant. He does not smile so much. I can feel a melancholy coming from inside him, and this is why I pray. The devil takes advantage of those who are weak, sad, depressed. I must do something to help him, but I am only a human. So I call on God�s powers to save my husband. Surely he will not take my sister and my husband from his kingdom. I will go to church more. I will pray more. I will light candles for them in the sanctuary. I will ask them children to pray as well. They need a father more than I need a husband. God will hear my prayers. He is merciful. If I have to, I will stop praying for Vanessa and spend all my efforts on Hank. He is not so far gone. This is the answer. I will pray more.

Vanessa broke it off with me. I guess I�m not really surprised. I knew what she wanted from me, and I wasn�t able to give it to her. No, I take that back. I refused to give it to her, because I thought I would get hurt. Well I�m still hurt. I suppose it�s for the best though. Or at least that�s what I�m going to keep on telling myself until it doesn�t hurt anymore. Last night we went out to dinner, and she kept staring at other guys. I was in the middle of talking to her, and she looked away from me, at another man, and winked at him. She was out with me, and she was flirting with other men. I don�t know why I ever thought I could make her fall in love with me. She�s hopeless. All she wants is sex. I should have just slept with her. At least I would have been physically satisfied, instead of heartbroken and horny. Unfortunately I wasn�t smart enough to figure that out while we were still dating. So now I really am horny and heartbroken. And Vanessa�s off with some other man. They�ve probably slept together by now, it�s been a whole day. God knows she�s probably hornier than I am, since she�s used to getting it so Goddamn much. I should have stayed away from her. She made me nervous, but I was in love. Was, right. Like I could be over her that quickly. AM in love. I am still in love with her. Too bad for me. She�s incapable of love.

I had to do it. James is a sweet boy, he really is. But he was not giving me what I need. He refused to sleep with me. I can�t handle love, and I really believe he was falling in love with me. Love is not a part of my life, and I can�t be with someone who loves me. I can�t and I won�t. I refuse to put myself through that kind of drama. Like I said before, love is way to complicated. I like the simple life. And I think I might have been falling for him. He�s such a sweet boy, that James. He was always so nice to me. He did things for me, and he actually asked questions about me, Vanessa. He didn�t just come over to fuck and then leave. But this is exactly why I had to end things. I will not fall in love again. So when we were out at dinner last night, I did something I knew would hurt him. I flirted with another man right in front of James, right when he was talking to me. And then I ended it. And now I�ve moved on. That man is coming over tonight, and I will finally get that good lay I�ve been dying for. Thank God, it�s about damn time.

Well, things are back to normal. Vanessa is screwing some random man, and she�s rid her life of love. James is heartbroken, poor thing. Sylvia is spending all her time praying for other people, as usual. But now she�s convinced her husband is about to fall into the hands of the devil. Meanwhile, he�s heartbroken she thinks he�s so weak and sinful. And George and I are as happy as ever. Yes, I think Vanessa will always run from love into the arms of any willing body. And Sylvia will always love the Lord above all else. Hopefully these men can find a way to continue loving these crazy sisters, because they need it, even if they don�t know it. At least I know I need it. I need that passion in my life. That intense high. The extreme happiness I get. The excitement. But maybe Sylvia and Vanessa can find it somewhere else. Maybe Vanessa doesn�t need a husband, and maybe Sylvia doesn�t need sex. All I know is that I need both, and I thank God that George gives me all the love, both kinds, I�ve ever asked for, and more.

neb 2/2/04