The most difficult thing I have lived through is having an abortion. I know this is a controversial topic, and maybe I should write about something else, but I don�t want to lie about how my grandmother�s death really affected me. This is what affected me, and so I�m going to write about my abortion. The summer before my junior year in high school I got pregnant. I was terrified, and didn�t know what to do. I finally realized I couldn�t have a baby and finish high school, let alone go to college, so I decided to have an abortion. My boyfriend thinks they�re immoral, and he wouldn�t go with me. I was too scared to tell my parents first. I was 5 weeks pregnant. My baby was 5 weeks old. Afterwards I told my parents, and they were shocked. My dad wanted to kick me out of the house, but my mom wouldn�t let him. After listening to him yell at me for 3 hours, my mom took me aside and told me that everything was fine and not to worry. School started the next week. I was horribly depressed, and I thought I was the worst person in the whole world. I thought everyone who looked at me could tell I was a baby killer. After another three weeks of this, I told my mom I was thinking about suicide. Then she told me that she had an abortion once, before she met my father. She was my age, and she felt the same way I did. She said it took her a long time to get over it, and there was no one for her to talk to. She said she would be there for me no matter what, and I could always talk to her. I felt a little better, because I know she�s not a bad person, and she had an abortion, so maybe I wasn�t such a bad person either. At school I still felt like everyone knew what I had done, and I was convinced my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend by that time, had told all of his friends. The school nurse noticed something was wrong with me, and she called my house. My mom told her everything; I was so mad. I thought she betrayed me. But the nurse gave me some things to read, and told me she wouldn�t tell anybody. I read the booklets she gave me, and they made me feel a little better too. They said that I was not a bad person, and I was definitely not a baby killer. They talked about how I had done the right thing, because I wasn�t burdening myself or my parents. They said everything that I told myself right before I had the abortion. Now, over a year later, I finally believe those words. This is the most difficult experience I have ever had, because it made me question myself and my beliefs, and it challenged all the relationships in my life. It has changed me because now I trust myself a little more, and I know the boundaries of my friendships and of my relationship with my parents. I am also much more careful to not get pregnant. I think more about the future now, and don�t just live for the moment. I am definitely a changed person.

neb 3/22/04